Chapter 22
‘B., darling, I don’t mean to rush you but your adoring fans await,’ Frederick shouted through his bedroom door on premier night. ‘Aren’t you ready– Oh, B., you’re beautiful.’ He grabbed my hand and spun me around, making my new summer dress flare at the hem. ‘I’m so glad you didn’t argue with me about getting ready here.’
‘I wouldn’t dream of it, not after the fuss you made. And it only meant dragging one large suitcase on the Tube through rush-hour traffic.’ I searched his face for signs of embarrassment, but he remained unapologetic. He still resented my move, even though it was for his own good as much as mine. Much as he disliked his new flatmate, he couldn’t deny the attraction of his on-time rent each month.
‘You look every inch the star tonight,’ he said. ‘Now, tell me I’m fabulous and we can go.’
‘You’re fabulous, Fred.’ I kissed his nose. ‘Faith’s running late, we’re meeting her there.’
‘Ah, the little minx, she just likes to build the anticipation. Quite the game-player is our Faith.’
‘Oh, I don’t think so. Do you really?’ I was completely ready to lie for my friend if I had to. She was obviously in love with Frederick. I couldn’t have him thinking she was fatally flawed. Only her friends were allowed to think that.
‘I don’t mind, darling, I’m a smitten kitten. Plus, she keeps me on my toes and you know how I love a challenge. What’s that look?’
‘She really likes you, Fred.’
‘Darling, she doesn’t just like me, she loves me. Ah, I see.’ He cradled me, putting his forehead against mine. ‘You’re like a mama bear. You can sheath those claws, though. I love Faith. She’s remarkable, she’s the real deal and I love her. More than anyone I’ve ever met. Okay?’
‘That makes me happy, Frederick. She feels the same way.’
‘I know she does. We do talk you know. Now, enough daytime drama. It’s unseemly. Let’s splurge and take a taxi. You’re too fabulous tonight for the Tube. Besides, I don’t want to listen to you complaining about the stairs in those shoes. Oh yes you will,’ he said to my objection. ‘You’re a diva in the making.’
He called Faith en route. She said she was five minutes away. That meant she was still in the bath. It was a good thing we over-egged her deadlines. Eight became seven, seven became six, and so on. We spoke to her in GMT-1, so she was usually acceptably late instead of abysmally late. Fred knew this already, and seemed to accept it. She’d found the one man on earth who found her timekeeping, and views on issues like unpasteurised cheese and pet preferences, charming. Lucky girl. Fred would happily wander around chatting to random strangers, as was his wont, until she arrived full of empty excuses and lovely smiles.
‘See you in a bit, Fred,’ I said once we’d arrived to find the tables already filling up with the pre-show dinner crowd. ‘I’ve got to pop backstage to check with the band. Keep an eye out for Kat, she should be here soon with The Hairy Biker.’
He waved me off. ‘See you shortly, my darling. I shall find a table for us all and amuse myself until Kat and her suitor, her hirsute suitor, hirsuitor, arrive.’ He was pleased as a pup by his dexterous wordplay.
‘Who’s a clever boy?’ I gushed, ruffling his hair. ‘Who is? Who’s clever? Fred’s a clever boy, yes he is, he is a clever boy.’
He slapped my hand away, sending me off with a wave to find the band.
For the first time in my career I didn’t have to be at the venue hours beforehand to fulfil my other role as roadie and all-round dog’s body. By now I usually had a stiff back and raggedy nails as payment. Looking around, I could have pinched myself. A man was running cables and positioning microphones for us. We only had to do the soundcheck. This must be what it was like to be a proper jobbing singer. I was so grateful for Gemma’s fabulous managing.
Talent wasn’t enough in the music business. You could be the next Nina Simone (not that I was) but without a manager, your main gigs were probably in the smallest room in the house amongst your shampoo bottles. I was thrilled that my longest-running show would no longer be a venue with a shower head.
Charlie (bass), Matt (drums) and Rebecca (piano), aka, The Swingers, welcomed me with open arms after my audition. Marjorie may not have believed in destiny but there was no denying that I was in the right place at the right time. Had their singer not fallen in love with a man who looked after lighthouses, she wouldn’t have moved off the coast of Scotland and I wouldn’t be getting ready to take her place on stage. In fact, had I not met The Musician, who introduced me to Sunglasses, who encouraged me to find a manager, I’d not be here. Or had I not met my work colleague who invited me to her wedding where I met The Musician, or had she not met the man who proposed… I would not be trying to trace my entire life back to the first human to walk the earth when I should have been concentrating on the show. It was not the time for an exploration of existentialism.
‘Hiya, B., all right?’ Rebecca called me over. ‘How are you doing? Nervous? We’ve got a little something for you. Matt?’ Shyly Matt handed me a large frame. ‘We thought you’d like a memento of tonight.’
It was the framed venue poster featuring Bella Summer and The Swingers. I saw them adorning the walls on my way in. I planned to pinch one on my way out. ‘Thank you so much, that’s incredibly thoughtful.’ I hugged her, then Matt, and Charlie sidled over for a little squeeze.
‘We’re really happy we found you, B.,’ he said. ‘You know we’ve been together for a long time, and we were nervous about replacing Amy. But you’re perfect. We’re really happy you’re part of the group.’
I welled up. This trio of professional musicians thought of me as their equal. More than that, they learned some of my songs, and my mum’s anthem, and incorporated them into the set.
‘All right,’ Rebecca said, seeing me about to descend into snot bubbles. ‘Soundcheck in ten minutes. B., are your friends here yet? Good, after the soundcheck why don’t you go have a drink with them? You should enjoy tonight, not hang around here with us old folks.’
I thought Rebecca was remarkable. It was her band really. She’d been single-minded in her pursuit of her career for almost forty years. I felt like she might become my musical mentor one day. I didn’t feel disloyal to my mum in thinking that. Mum’s advice was incredibly helpful when I was in Chicago, but Rebecca knew London. That made a difference. And she’d been gigging for decades, whereas Mum moved to recording and TV work. Rebecca knew exactly what taking a chance like this could mean to a fledgling career. I hoped she was right.
‘And tonight,’ crooned the MC as I struggled not to faint. ‘We welcome our newest member of the 200 Club family, Bella Summer, and of course the inimitable Swingers!’
It was time. There was every chance that I’d reward the front row table for their patronage by vomiting up dinner. So professional. Even with the lights so dim, I could see that it was nearly a full house. Everyone apart from my friends were probably there for The Swingers, but I imagined one day that I’d have fans I didn’t actually know. People coming to see me, it boggled the mind. All right, it was my cue.
And it was like riding a bicycle. The music washed through me and my notes rang true. The jitters evaporated in the melody. It was what I was meant to do.
‘That was wonderful, B., you sounded like a lighteningale,’ Kat said as she hugged me at their table after the set. The Hairy Biker patted my shoulder affectionately and made room for me to sit.
‘Here’s to B., or should we say Bella? I like it. Bel-la.’ Frederick pronounced my name while cupping his imaginary breasts.
‘Thanks, it was okay, wasn’t it?’ I couldn’t stop grinning. It was better than okay. No use being modest. I kicked arse. It might just have been the happiest day of my adult life. I was so pleased with the set, so very pleased. I wanted to jump up and down, shouting and waving my arms. Would that be unseemly for an almost-forty-year-old? Probably. I still wanted to, though.
Imagining my victory lap around the club made me feel self-conscious. ‘Faith?’ I said. ‘I believe you’ve got something to share with the class too.’
‘But this is your night to shine,’ she said.
I waved her objection aside. ‘Shine away!’
‘If you insist. Frederick, may we have a drum roll please.’ She smirked as she reached into her bag. ‘Ta-da!’
We craned to see her crowning glory right there on page one. ‘Karma Corruption’ screamed the headline.
‘Look, there’s your name, right there!’ Kat squealed, hugging our friend. ‘But why Karma?’
‘The council paid almost a hundred thousand pounds to a “wellness” company that turned out to be owned by one of the councillors. That’s a lot of yoga mats. I stumbled on to it, really, when I was in one of the endless council meetings that Ken makes me go to. During one snorathon they voted to approve a payment and mentioned it was one of the best yoga places in London. Well, you know how I like the idea of yoga.’
‘Yes, the idea of yoga. You’ve never actually been, have you?’
‘That’s not the point, B. The point is that I wrote down the company to look up later. I wrote it down wrong, though, because I couldn’t find the link. So I googled it with the councillor’s name. The council posts the meeting minutes online but they’re in a really strange place on the website that I can never find. The company and councillor’s name came up, but not in any meeting minutes. It was my aha moment. The page showed that she owned the company she’d just approved the council to pay.’
‘She’s our own little Nancy Drew!’ Frederick said. ‘To lucky discoveries. And more importantly, to hard-earned successes. To Faith and B. Ladies, you are incredible. We salute you.’
‘Thanks,’ said Faith. ‘This shitty assignment has turned out to be a goldmine. The council’s rotten to the core. I could build an entire career off their stench. And I plan to!’
As we all clinked glasses, I noticed a couple hovering beside us.
‘Sorry,’ I said, aware that we’d seriously outgrown our table. ‘Do you need to get by?’
‘Em, no, no thanks,’ said the woman. ‘I just wanted to say how much we enjoyed your set. When my husband read that you were playing here, he booked a childminder and got tickets. We’ve heard you at The Boisdale.’
‘Really?’ I was stunned. They were my very first fans that didn’t have my phone programmed into their mobile. ‘You remembered me from The Boisdale?’
She blushed. ‘Yes. Of course. We loved hearing you. It was our anniversary you see, our fifth, and the music just made it that much more special. And when I heard that song on Britain’s Got Talent, you know, it reminded me how lovely it was when you sang it. I hope you don’t think this is too odd. I promise I’m not a stalker or anything, but I looked it up on YouTube and saw your video with your mother. It made me cry, honestly, it was so beautiful.’
She dug around in her bag, pulling out a CD. ‘I bought her CD and I wonder if you’d consider signing it?’ Her husband looked on, embarrassed and hopeful.
‘Of course, though I don’t have a pen.’
‘I’ve got one!’ She brandished a thick marker pen. ‘To Sarah and Mike, please.’
As I handed back my mother’s CD, my signature still wet, I was hit with the overwhelming urge to cry. It was happening. After twenty years of writing music, after countless fill-in shows and corporate horrors, something was happening. The wheels had been greased. I was sorely tempted to get Sarah and Mike’s contact details so that they could become my new best friends.
‘Wow, B., you’re a shooting star!’ Kat gushed when they’d left. And Kat was not a gusher. ‘What a high you must be on! It’s such a shame Clare couldn’t come. She was gutted to miss tonight.’
‘It’s okay, I forgive her. Given her immovable deadline it’s probably more important to go to her pre-natal class. It’s a shame, but even that can’t spoil my mood right now. Nothing in the world could bring me down tonight!’ I had to fight the urge to punch the air while singing ‘Eye of the Tiger’.
Kat had a funny look. ‘Kat? What is it?’
‘Do you mean that, Liebchen? Are you truly happy?’ I assured her I was. ‘With everything in your life, you are happy? Your love life too?’
‘Yes, Kat, with everything in my life. This is probably the most positive I’ve ever been in my adult life. Why are you asking this?’
She glanced at The Hairy Biker, who shook his head. ‘Ah, Rupert doesn’t think I should tell you but I said I would. You broke up with Mattias because you weren’t in love with him, right? And he wasn’t in love with you. And you’ve never regretted that decision, even after all your terrible dates?’
‘I wouldn’t say they were all terrible.’ My friends stared back at me. ‘All right, they were terrible. But no, I don’t regret leaving Mattias.’
I felt a twinge of guilt about keeping recent developments a secret, even though I knew it was for the best. Just until we were sure.
There was no awkwardness that night, but we hadn’t repeated our performance either. It occurred to me that to throw myself on my ex-boyfriend once was forgivable. To do it again might seem a bit needy. I didn’t think I’d have to, but Mattias wasn’t banging down my bedroom door at night. In fact, he’d rarely been around the last week. James needed a lot of support these days, what with the divorce going ahead.
‘I’m glad to hear you say that, because I’d hate it if you regretted leaving Mattias. But you don’t. And that’s good.’ She took a deep breath. ‘He’s met someone, B.’
I smirked. ‘I know.’ Mattias must have let a little something slip to James about the romantic turn of events. That meant he was pretty sure where things were headed, or he wouldn’t have said anything.
‘You do?’ Kat asked.
‘I do. Ah, girls, I didn’t want to say anything.’
‘Gosh, I had no idea,’ Faith said. ‘How are you feeling about it?’
‘Well, it was a surprise, obviously, and to be honest, I’m not completely sure how I feel. But it’s early days yet.’
‘So you’re not all right with the whole thing,’ Kat said.
‘Of course I am. I instigated it.’
‘You did?’ Asked Kat. ‘He told me they met salsa dancing.’
‘Who’d he meet salsa dancing?’
‘His girlfriend,’ Kat said.
‘I’m his girlfriend.’
‘No, B., you’re his ex-girlfriend.’
We all stared at each other.
‘… He’s seeing someone?’ My head swam.
‘Yes. He came to the house with James last week to pick up the boys. Do you want to know this, Suesse?’
‘Yes.’ No, no, no. Absolutely not.
‘He mentioned it, then. They’ve been together nearly two months now. It sounds serious. He says he’s in love with her.’
That wasn’t possible. We’d slept together. I needed to think. ‘I’m just running to the loo,’ I said. ‘No, no, I’m fine, just need the loo, that’s all. Be back in a flash. ’nother bottle of champagne? Yes, good idea.’
What the hell was going on? Mattias had met someone? When, exactly, had he had time to do that? After cooking me dinner nearly every night? Before he slept with me? On one of his nights out with James?
Oh, God. He wasn’t spending all that time with James. He was spending it with his new girlfriend.
I probably should have been heartbroken. Maybe I would be once the shock wore off. Until then, I was furious. I needed ammunition. Because I was going to war.
‘B., are you all right?’ Fred asked when I returned.
‘I’m fine, Fred, thanks,’ I lied, trying to keep my voice from going all squeaky. ‘I really did just have to go to the loo. Sorry to make it look more dramatic than it was. Kat, I’m happy for Mattias. I want everyone to be in love. I just want to be in love too, that’s all. Now. You know I’m going to ask. What else do you know? Spare me no details. And why didn’t he tell me himself?’
I felt terrible for tricking Kat into divulging the details I planned to load into a Gatling gun later. But all was fair, as they say.
‘Oh, he was going to, but I stopped him,’ she said. ‘He told me he wanted to tell you, but I was afraid you’d be upset. I didn’t want him to see that. It’s better that you get upset with us, your friends. We’re your safety harness.’
I laughed, convincingly I hoped. ‘I really am happy for him. We both deserve to be in love. If it’s happened for him, then it’ll happen for me too. Now, I want all the details. Starting with exactly how he told you.’
‘Well.’ We all leaned forward. ‘I could tell he was nervous. He was hovering in the kitchen while I cleaned up. I asked him how he was and he said great, really great. Then when I didn’t say anything he blurted out that he’d met a woman. I didn’t even have to pump him for information. It all came pouring out. He said he wanted you to know and that he was going to tell you. That’s when I asked him to let me do it. He seemed relieved that I offered. I think he was looking for a way out. Then I asked about her, in case you wanted to know. He met her salsa dancing.’
‘So you said. But he doesn’t salsa dance! I used to try to get him to go all the time and he never would. He said his Swedish hips were meant for IKEA sofas, not Latin music. He would only swing dance.’ I caught my breath remembering his offer to take me dancing, and pushed down the feeling.
‘His hips are dancing now. I didn’t know he was opposed to salsa so I didn’t ask him how he started doing it. But he met her there at the salsa club, during the class before the regular dancing starts. Are you upset?’
‘I just find it funny that he met the love of his life doing something he never wanted to do with me.’
‘Yeah, that’s just hilarious,’ said Faith, unsmiling. ‘I’m sorry, honey, but your stiff upper lip doesn’t fool me. This has to bother you. The man you spent a decade with has replaced you. That must hurt.’
I loved that Faith’s idea of support was to fling bullying statements at me. Tough love was always her motto. ‘It’s weird, that’s all. Not what I expected.’ Technically that was true.
‘If you’re really okay, and I mean really, then we can drop it.’
‘Of course we can’t!’ I snorted. ‘I want details. Don’t we all want details? What’s she like, Kat? Did you get stats?’
Kat nodded. ‘I knew you would ask. She’s thirty and works as a yoga instructor. She’s Scottish and he says she’s cute. No kids, never married. He says they’ve spent nearly every evening together since they met.’
Every evening except the one he spent sleeping with me.
I didn’t know everything I was going to say when I got home. But I knew exactly how it was going to start.
‘You sneaky, lying, two-timing, loathsome turd of a man.’ I threw my handbag on the sofa.
‘Kat told you?’
‘Kat told me.’
‘It hurts, doesn’t it?
‘What?! Well, of course it’s uncomfortable, but we’re friends, so I’m happy for you,’ I lied.
‘Oh, darling, you don’t mean that. You can’t. I know how you feel about me. You proved it when we spent the night together.’
‘Have you really been going out with this woman for two months? Nearly the whole time I’ve been living with you?’
‘You make it sound bad when you say it like that. There’s technically no reason that I shouldn’t date. Is there?’ His face was the picture of innocence.
‘Not technically, no. But Mattias, how have you not mentioned it before?’
‘You never asked.’
‘Well, I certainly asked how you were! You’d think a little detail like “I’m in love” would warrant a mention. Be honest, you kept this from me. Why?’
He moved to hug me. I pushed him away.
‘Oh, darling, I don’t want to hurt you.’ He smiled. ‘There’s a happy side to this, you know.’
I cocked my head. ‘Do tell.’
‘You’re so much more important than she is, sweetheart. You always have been. Haven’t I been here for you all along? Didn’t I take you in when you lost your job? I’m committed to you. I’ve shown you that. So just say the word and I’ll tell her it’s over.’
‘Why would you do that?’
‘For you. I’d do it for you. That’s how much I love you.’ He grabbed for my hand. I pulled it away.
‘I don’t understand. Kat says you love her.’
‘I do, but I love you more. That’s why I’ll break up with her. Then we can put this whole last year behind us. See, darling, that’s how much I love you.’
‘Will you stop saying that?’ Pieces were slotting into place. Greasy, slimy, underhand pieces. ‘Mattias,’ I said carefully. ‘Something isn’t ringing true. If you love this woman, why would you be so quick to throw it away? That doesn’t sound like something you’d do if you were in love with her.’
His face reddened. ‘Are you calling me a liar?’
Well, if the lie fit. I waited for him to continue.
‘I don’t know what you want from me.’ His voice rose. ‘I’ve been patient. I’ve been your platonic friend all these months. I’ve played it all your way while you went off to find yourself. I let you move out, and I kept quiet. I let you see other men and I kept quiet. I took you back in, and still let you have it all your way. Well, I’ve got news for you. You never appreciated what you had with me.’ He was shouting. ‘I gave you every chance, but I was never good enough for you. You know what, B? I deserve you. And you deserve me.’
‘I deserve you?’ I didn’t believe what I was hearing. These months had just been part of some twisted plan. ‘Mattias, I don’t know who you’re manipulating more, me or that poor woman you’re dating! Actually, I do know. Both of us. How can you profess to love her, and then offer to dump her to go back to your ex? And how can you profess to love me when you’ve been seeing someone else? The answer is: you can’t. So one of those is a lie. And it’s now clear that you only let me move in here as part of some scheme to get back together.’ The more I thought about the last year, the more stupid I felt. ‘And what about all those texts and phone calls? Vodafone didn’t really hold them up, did they? You just wanted me to call back so you could keep tabs on me.’ I recalled the night I left The Musician in my bed to call back. ‘There’s something wrong with you, Mattias. You’re sick.’
‘And you’re a user,’ he spit back. ‘You’re very cosy when it suits you, when you need something, like a place to live. Or when you need a pick-me-up, like when you’ve been alone at a wedding, or see everyone else with boyfriends. I was there for you, B. You’d be lucky to have me back in your life. I’m what you deserve.’
The fight left me. He was so wrong, on so many levels. ‘Mattias. I don’t deserve to be manipulated, lied to or controlled. I don’t deserve you. I deserve so much more… I want to sell the flat. Now. As soon as we can get it listed. I want my money out of it, and I want to be away from you.’
‘But I love you,’ he said, realising he’d badly misplayed his hand.
‘You don’t know what love is, Mattias. I don’t either. But I’m going to find out. Just like I said I would when I broke up with you.’
I went to the bedroom to pack. It was after 1 a.m. but I was wide awake. Anger will do that to a woman.