Answered prayers

16

ZOE WENT BACK TO SCHOOL ON SUNDAY NIGHT, AND they talked all weekend before that. Faith was still in shock, and in spite of how miserable she was, she never told Zoe about the girl. She just said that her father said he wanted a more exciting life than he had with her, and he was furious that she had gone back to school, which was hardly news.
“Those are stupid reasons to get a divorce, Mom. Do you think he's having an affair?” Zoe said sensibly. But Faith didn't give away what had started it. In spite of everything, she was still loyal to him.
“I really don't know,” was all she said.
But she felt better by the time Zoe left. And she saw the lawyer Brad had recommended the following week. He told her everything she needed to know, and showed her the report from the private investigator. The girl's name was Leslie James. And a photograph they'd included showed a very pretty girl. She was tall and shapely and looked like a model, and had long wavy black hair, which Faith already knew. She had a five-year-old daughter, the report said, and she was well liked in the office. The romance was apparently an open secret at Alex's firm. The other secretaries in the office thought they might get married, but Alex had never said as much to anyone.
Faith felt as though she had been kicked in the stomach by the time she left. She was a beautiful girl certainly, and very young. She was eighteen years younger than Faith, which was yet another blow.
She was sitting in her study, staring into space, when the phone rang. It was Brad, checking to see how the meeting had gone.
“It was fine. I saw the report. She's a beautiful girl, Brad. I guess I can't blame him.” She sounded mortally depressed.
“I can. The guy's a fool. You're beautiful too.” More so than anyone Brad knew, inside and out.
“Thank you,” she said politely, but she didn't sound convinced. She felt as though her whole life had caved in, and it had. She and Zoe had laughed over the fact that she had missed Valentine's Day entirely. It had disappeared into the smoke of her own private hell. She hadn't even remembered what day it was, and she no longer cared. But Zoe had gotten the chocolates her mother had sent. And so had Ellie in London, after a slight delay.
“I have some news for you,” Brad said, trying to cheer her up. He had been worried about her for more than a week. She was sounding depressed, and he knew she'd been struggling in school, but at least she went.
“What's that?” she asked, feeling half dead. She felt as though she were hanging somewhere in outer space. Everything about her life suddenly seemed unreal.
“I have to come to New York for a couple of days. I have some work to do there. I was hoping you'd have dinner with me. We can just go out for pizza if you don't feel like getting dressed.”
“Now that is good news,” she said with a sad smile. Even seeing him wasn't the joy it would have been only weeks before. But it was pretty good. It was something to look forward to. “When are you coming?”
“This weekend actually. I have to see a couple of attorneys there, to consult on a tough case. I'm coming in late Friday night. I can be at your door on Saturday morning, and maybe we can go skating in the park.”
“I thought you had to work,” she said vaguely, and he smiled at his end. She wasn't as dead as he thought.
“I do. I'll work it in. But I'd love to see you. Save me Saturday night, Fred. I'm going home on the red-eye Sunday night. It's a quick trip.” He had concocted it entirely for her. He was worried sick about her, and he told himself he owed it to Jack. He wanted to go to New York to take a look at her and make sure she was all right. He didn't have to see anyone, but he told her he did, just so he would have the excuse to come and visit her. It seemed like the least he could do.
And by the time he arrived in New York, Faith had survived another week since Alex's perfidy. Their lawyers had contacted each other, and things were moving ahead. They hadn't told Ellie yet, but Alex had said he would call her over the weekend, and Faith dreaded the reaction from her. It was easy to guess that no matter how wrong her father had been, or how cruel, she would side with him. But since she was closer to Alex, Faith agreed that Ellie should hear it from him. Especially since Zoe had heard it from her. She knew she couldn't have convinced Ellie to see it her way anyway. Faith only hoped that Ellie would try to see her side too.
Brad decided to stay at the Carlyle, so he would be close to her. And he arrived at the house on Saturday morning, at nine o'clock after he had showered and shaved. He had been so tired he had actually slept decently on the plane. All he had told Pam was the same he'd told Faith, that he had to meet with two attorneys in New York about a tough case. And Pam hadn't questioned it. And in the end, neither did Faith. He had been afraid that she would object to his coming, if she thought it was just for her. She didn't want to impose on him more than she already had.
And he was worried when he saw her open her front door. She looked very pale and very thin, in a black turtleneck and black jeans, no makeup, dark circles, and her straight blond hair was hanging straight on either side of her face. It was obvious that she had lost weight. But she smiled as soon as she saw him and gave him a warm hug. She didn't look as shell-shocked as she had sounded on the phone at first. She just looked tired, and very sad.
She toasted him English muffins, made coffee, and scrambled eggs, and they sat in the kitchen and talked for a long time. And afterward they sat in the living room, and he made a fire. She was still sleeping in Zoe's room, and was beginning to think she always would.
“It's so weird,” she confessed to Brad, “I feel like I did after Jack died. I feel like everything's different and will never be the same again. Twenty-six years of my life just went right down the tubes.”
“I know, kiddo. It's the shits. You'll get used to it after a while. And it will be better one day. It's different than Jack. This gives you a chance to have a better life. Alex was killing you slowly. You're the one who deserves to have a life, not him,” Brad said quietly as they sat by the fire. He had asked if she wanted to go skating, but she said she was too tired, and in truth so was he. It was a long way to come for a weekend after a busy week, but it was worth it for her. He was glad he had come, and so was she.
“What time do you have to work?” she asked, and he almost forgot, but recovered before she noticed it.
“Around four o'clock. Maybe five. I only need a couple of hours with them, but we just couldn't cover it on the phone, too many files.” He figured he'd go to the hotel and take a nap, and then meet her again for dinner.
“You didn't come just for me, did you, Brad?” she asked suspiciously with a familiar smile, and he laughed.
“Hell, no. I love you, Fred. But I wouldn't come all this way just to mend your broken heart.”
“Good. You've got better things to do with your time than worry about me.”
“I say that to myself every day,” he teased. “Actually, you're worth worrying about, Fred. You got a rotten break, kid. I think your first rotten break was the day you married him.”
“That's what Jack always said.” But there had been rotten breaks much earlier in her life too, which had set the stage for her accepting far too much pain from Alex.
“Jack was right. About a lot of things.”
He took her out to lunch, and they went to a deli nearby. She picked around at an egg salad sandwich, and he nagged her until she ate half of it. And he shared a bowl of matzoh ball soup with her. It was one of his favorite things about New York.
“They just don't have matzoh ball soup like this in California,” he said, and she grinned, and looked more like herself. It was comforting just being with him.
They went for a long walk afterward, and wandered into Central Park. The trees were still bare, and the park looked gray, but the air and the exercise did them both good. It was midafternoon before they went back to her house, and she made him a cup of hot chocolate while he started another fire, and wondered if she was going to keep the house. He didn't want to upset her by asking her. It was a nice place, but he thought it would do her good to move on. But it was too soon to say it to her.
“What were you looking so serious about?” Faith asked as she handed him the steaming cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows on it. It had been one of their favorite things when they were kids.
“I was thinking about you,” he said honestly, “and what an amazing woman you are. A lot of women would have handled this whole thing differently, and told their kids what he did. You're always so fair to everyone. Pathologically decent and kind. That's a nice thing to be.” But they both knew it came at a high price to her.
“Thank you,” she said, smiling quietly at him. Her brother had been that way too. They were instinctively good people, and had always been. But they had been through a lot too, before their father died, and even afterward. There were things about both of them Brad had never known. He had always admired them for their kindness to people, and their tolerance, and honesty, as well as for the bond they shared. When other kids lied, Jack had always told the truth. And the one time Jack knew that Faith had lied to him, he had given her hell. She had been about ten years old, and Brad still remembered the big tears rolling down her cheeks when Jack had scolded her. She didn't look much different than that now, and it had been the vision he had had of her for the past week. Thinking of her that way, in tears, was what had brought him to New York to see her. He couldn't stand knowing how unhappy she was, and not at least doing something to help. And it meant the world to her just to see him and talk to him. She respected everything he thought and said. And she trusted him as much as she had Jack.
“How are you feeling, Fred?” he asked with a look of concern as he lay sprawled on the carpet in front of the fire. He looked very much as he had as a boy, with the same cleft in his chin, and endless legs. And his hair was nearly as dark as it had been then. Even sitting close to him, Faith could hardly see any gray.
“Better, thanks to you.” It made him doubly glad he had come. She looked better than she had that morning when she opened the door. Happier, and more at peace. “Not quite as weird. It's going to take time to get used to this. It's going to seem so strange not being married to him.” She had been married to Alex since she was twenty-one. It seemed like an entire lifetime to her.
“You may get to like it eventually. How are you holding up at school?” He had been worried about that at first.
“Not great. But I haven't flunked out yet. I think it'll be okay.” She was going to apply to law school soon.
“Don't you have to go to work?” she asked, worried about him. It was nearly four o'clock, and he didn't seem in a hurry to go anywhere. He was relaxed and content, lying close to her.
“Yeah, soon,” he said, without glancing at his watch. He was getting sleepy from the hot chocolate and the warmth of the fire, and the sense of well-being he had with her. “Life is strange, isn't it? We grew up with each other, and we had every opportunity to fall in love, and never did. Instead, I married Pam, whom I have absolutely nothing in common with, and you married Alex, and he treats you like dirt. It would have been so much simpler if we'd taken a good look at each other and fallen in love way back then. Nothing is ever simple, is it, Fred?” He was looking into the fire as he said it, and then looked up at her with a sleepy smile. But there was something deep and sad in Faith's eyes. There was so much he didn't know, especially about what had set the stage for Alex to treat her as he had.
“It never works that way,” Faith said with a sigh. “We all have to go find other people and complicate things. We marry complicated people, and then we think we've done it right. If you marry someone in your own backyard, you feel like you've failed somehow. Too easy, I guess. And there was more to it than that for me.” She wondered if Jack had ever said anything to him about their father, but suspected he had not. It had been their secret shame for their entire childhood and a significant part of their adult lives.
She had never told anyone else about her father molesting her, and threatening her about it. She had never felt able to tell Alex, and had always been afraid he would hold it against her somehow. She had discussed it with her therapist at length years before, and with Jack, and her conclusion had always been that Alex wasn't up to it. His own childhood had been cold and unemotional, but relatively normal otherwise, and circumspect. She didn't think he could have understood her father doing something like that, without blaming her for it, which would have broken her heart. But she felt differently about Brad. She knew she could tell him anything. What he had offered her, and always given her, was his unconditional love.
“Complicated is never the right thing,” Brad said simply, as he watched her. He could see something painful come into her eyes. “Are you okay, Fred?”
“Yeah. I was just thinking about some old stuff. Ugly old stuff actually. But I think it's always been a big part of my life with Alex, in an unspoken way. I think it's why I let him call the shots and be so hard on me at times. I suspect I always thought I deserved whatever he dished out to me.” Her eyes were speaking volumes to Brad, and he held her hand tight, as though sensing that she was facing old demons with him, and within herself.
“Why is that?” he asked softly, as she lowered her eyes, and then looked up at him again. It was harder to say the words than she had thought it would be, even to him.
“There was some pretty bad stuff that happened when I was a kid. Jack knew about it… not at first, but he found out eventually. It was hard for him too.” Before she even said the words, Brad suspected it, and tightened his grip on her hand. He didn't know how or why he knew, but he did. And she could sense his acceptance even before she spoke to him.
She took a breath finally, and dove in. She wasn't sure why, but she wanted to share it with him. Faith wasn't even aware of the tears rolling down her cheeks, as Brad's heart nearly ripped out of his chest as he watched helplessly. He was just as helpless as Jack had been. Jack couldn't stop it at the time. And Brad couldn't take the memory away from her now. All he could do was be there for her, and as always, he was.
“My father molested me when I was a little girl,” she said barely audibly. There was no sound from Brad as he waited for her to go on. “He started when I was about four or five, and did it until he died, when I was ten. I was too scared to tell anyone, because he told me he'd kill me and Jack if I did. So I never told. I tried to tell my mother years later, when we were adults, and she never believed me. Jack found out the year before Dad died, and he threatened him too, if he told. I think it was part of the bond between us. Jack was the only one who ever knew. But I always felt guilty about it, as though it were my fault and not his … as though it made me less than everyone else … or worse … it was hard to forgive myself for it,” she said in an agonized voice, “but finally I did. I think, without even knowing it, that was Alex's hold over me. I felt he had the right to treat me badly or be critical or unkind … I didn't think I deserved better than that. I played right into his hands.” She had looked down for a moment as she explained it to Brad, and when she looked up, she could see that he was crying too. He said not a word to her at first, but pulled her into his arms, and held her tight. Everything he didn't say was in his powerful grip on her. It was a long moment before he could find words for her.
“I'm so sorry, Fred … I'm so sorry … what a rotten thing to carry around with you all those years. I don't know why, but I just suddenly knew before you said anything. I'm so sorry that happened to you. It doesn't make you less … it makes you more … a million times more. What a sick, cruel thing to do to a little girl. Thank God he died.”
“I used to think that too, and then I felt guilty for that. It happens to a lot of kids, I guess. It's a lonely, scary place to be.”
It had impacted her entire life, affected whom she chose to marry, and how she dealt with him and let him treat her for all those years. But Brad's reaction was exactly the one she would have hoped for when she was finally brave enough to speak up. Brad never let her down, unlike Alex, who never failed to disappoint her at every turn and had for so long. Somehow telling Brad and feeling his arms around her vindicated her. She had finally told someone, and he accepted her in spite of it. She was free at last from the chains that had bound her for most of her life. It was an incredible gift he had given her, and they sat there in silence for a long time, as he held her. He was the friend and brother she had always loved, and knew he was, and when she pulled away from him at last, he smiled at her.
“I love you, Fred … I truly, truly love you … what an incredibly wonderful human being you are. And what a goddamn shame you married that a*shole instead of me. I really blew that one, kid.” But everything he had said to her that day had been right for her. Telling him had been one of the best things she'd ever done. It was like holding up a mirror, and seeing herself in his eyes. What she saw was the good person who was not to blame for any of it. Not a victim either, or a bad little girl. It was a proud woman who had survived, and deserved love and good things to happen to her. It was exactly the key she needed to unlock the last door to freedom. He had freed her, and she had freed herself. Finally.
“Thank you, Brad. I guess things work out the way they're meant to. You'd probably have been bored if you'd married me.” Faith smiled again. “Besides, marrying you would have been like marrying my brother. Incestuous, to say the least.” Maybe it was better with him like this, as best friends.
“That's what I always thought. Jack told me I should go out with you once, when we were in college, and I thought he was nuts. You were like my kid sister. I was pretty dumb in those days,” he said sheepishly.
“No you weren't.” They sat and talked for a while afterward, easily and comfortably. And then finally he glanced at his watch. He hated to leave her, but he had to, to keep up the charade that he'd come to New York on business, and not just to see her. He didn't want to leave her after what they'd just shared. All he was going to do was lie in his hotel room for two hours, and watch a basketball game, or sleep. But he knew he had to stick to his story, and leave her for a while. He felt closer to her than he ever had, but tried to look casual as he stood up.
“Where do you want to eat tonight?” he asked with a yawn.
“You're going to be a ball of fire at your meeting, if you don't wake up.” She laughed, and he grinned and shook his head. “What about Chinese?” It was as though nothing untoward had happened between them. They were closer than they'd ever been.
“Sounds good to me. I forgot to bring a tie. I figured I'd buy one if you wanted me to wear one to take you out.”
“I figured you'd come in black tie,” she teased, after all his complaints about Pam. All he'd brought was a sport jacket, a pair of slacks, a pair of jeans, and some blue shirts. It was a good look, and he looked handsome as he rolled down his sleeves and pretended he was going to work.
“I'll pick you up at seven o'clock. How's that?” he said, planting a kiss on the top of her head and pulling her close to him.
“Is that enough time for your meeting?” She seemed surprised.
“That'll be enough. We only need to discuss one kid.”
“Must be a very special kid for you to come this far to discuss him for two hours,” she said, as she walked him to the front door. He had said just enough, not too much, and not too little, about the revelations she'd made to him.
“He is,” he confirmed, and then hugged her tight before he left. He walked the two blocks to the hotel, and thought about all she'd said to him, what an amazing woman she was, and what a fool he'd been not to marry her. He wished now that he'd taken a different fork in the road than he had years before. But there was no turning back now. All he could do was make the best of it, and acknowledge the mistake to himself. He couldn't even acknowledge to her that he'd made a mistake. But he looked pensive and sad as he walked into the hotel, thinking of the horrors she'd survived, the love she lavished on everyone in spite of it, and how lucky he was to be her friend.
And all Faith could do was thank God she had finally had the courage to unburden herself and tell him about her father. And Brad had been the right one to tell. It had only strengthened the bond they shared and the love she felt for him. A thousand-pound weight she'd carried for a lifetime had been lifted from her heart.