Answered prayers

15

FAITH TOSSED AND TURNED ALL NIGHT, SHE FINALLY dozed off around four o'clock, and woke again at six. She got up, and watched the sun come up. It was a beautiful sunny day, and she had never felt worse. All she could think of was Alex and the woman with the long black hair sound asleep in their bed. She wasn't sure she would ever be able to sleep in it again.
She ordered a pot of black coffee at seven o'clock and put on a sweater and a pair of jeans. She went to the seven-thirty mass at St. Jean Baptiste on Lexington Avenue, and she held Brad's rosary beads in her hands, but she couldn't concentrate enough to say the prayers. She just knelt and stared into space. And when the mass ended, she walked back to the hotel. She didn't know what to do with herself all day. She wasn't due home till four or five, and she was afraid to go for a walk or leave the hotel, because she might run into them.
Brad called her when he got up. It was eleven o'clock for Faith, and he was worried about her, but she sounded all right. She said she was going to play it by ear when she got home. She just had to see how she felt, which Brad thought was reasonable.
“Just don't take any shit from him,” he reminded her, and for the first time since the day before, she smiled.
“I won't. I promise.”
“Call me when you can.” He was going out to play tennis with a friend, and he had promised to do an errand with Pam. She wanted a new stereo system for the living room, and he had said he would look at some with her. But he was carrying his cell phone, and told Faith to use it if she called the house and he was out. He was entirely available to her, and he didn't give a damn what comments Pam made. It was easy enough to explain to her, although he didn't think he would. He had nothing to feel guilty about, and neither did Faith. Their friendship was entirely clean, and completely pure. Unlike some of Pam's. He thought Pam might even feel sorry for Faith if she knew. She hated it when women were taken advantage of, or abused, and she would have told her just how to let Alex have it right between the eyes, better even than Brad could. But he was doing his best on her behalf.
Faith languished in her room all day, and at five o'clock, she called the bellman to carry her bags, and had the doorman call her a cab. She had too much stuff with her to walk the two blocks to the house. She let herself in with a shaking hand as she turned the key. The lights were on in the hall, and there was no sign of Alex. She assumed he was upstairs. She put her bags down in the hall, and walked slowly up to their room. The bed was made, and everything looked impeccable. She figured he must have made the bed himself. She wondered if he had had the decency to change the sheets, but she didn't look. He was sitting in his favorite chair by their bedroom fireplace, reading a book. He was the portrait of innocence itself. And he didn't even have the grace to look up at her, as she stood watching him. And for an instant, she felt a wave of disgust and hatred and hurt wash over her. She had to fight back tears.
“You're late,” he said, without looking up, and she couldn't believe his nerve. She didn't answer him, and he finally glanced up at her. She hadn't moved since she walked in. “How was the trip?”
She didn't answer his question, but proffered one of her own. “How was your week?” He could read nothing on her face, nor she on his.
“Long. Difficult. We had a lot of work.”
“That's nice,” she said, and sat down across from him. And as she did, she knew that she couldn't go on with the charade. She had to tell him the truth, as she knew it, whether or not he did.
“What did you do in Washington?” He could see something in her eyes, but he didn't know what it was. He kept talking to her while he tried to figure it out.
“What did you do in New York?”
“I told you,” he said, sounding irritated, “I worked. What do you think I did?” He was about to go back to his book, but stopped short at what she said.
“I'm not sure. I came home yesterday, Alex. We finished earlier than planned.”
“What do you mean you came home yesterday?” He looked stunned. But he made no admission of guilt.
“The professor's mother got sick and she had to leave, so some of us came home. I got in at two o'clock. I stopped to buy groceries, I thought I'd make something you really liked, and I came home. You know, kind of like Goldilocks … who's been sleeping in my bed? Whoever she is, she has fairly big feet, long black hair, and wears a thong.” His face went pale, but he said not a word for a long beat.
“Where've you been since yesterday?” he said accusingly, trying to turn the tables on her. Brad had warned her about that, so she was prepared. She wasn't buying it.
“I went to the Carlyle as soon as I figured out what you were doing here. I thought I'd spare us both the embarrassment of making a scene in front of her. What's happening, Alex? Who is she? How long has this been going on?” Her eyes never left his, and he had never seen her that way.
“That's irrelevant.” If he could have denied her existence entirely, Faith suspected, he would have. But there was no chance of that with everything she had seen. “If you weren't jaunting around pretending to be a kid, going to school, things like this wouldn't happen.” It was exactly what Brad had predicted he would do. He was trying to blame her for what he'd done.
“Does that mean when you go on business trips, you expect me to screw around, and it's your fault? That's pretty much the same thing.”
“Don't be ridiculous. I have to work for a living. You didn't have to go back to school.”
“And you think that gives you license to cheat on me? Wow, that's certainly one way to look at it.”
“I told you you were taking a risk when you went back to school.”
“I didn't realize your cheating on me was the risk you meant. We're playing for high stakes here, aren't we?” She was furious but she still didn't know what she wanted from him, or what the outcome would be. Neither of them was backing off and he was still trying to blame her. And as she looked at him, he got out of his chair and paced around the room.
“This is all your fault, Faith,” he accused without batting an eye. She couldn't believe her ears. “If you hadn't been such a damn fool about going back to school, this would never have happened. You threw our marriage out the window the day you did.”
“No.” Faith had white heat in her eyes and faced off with him. “You threw it out the day you brought that bitch into my bed. How dare you do such a thing!”
“How dare you speak to me that way! I won't tolerate that from you, Faith.” He was trying to fight fire with fire.
“You won't tolerate it? How do you think I felt when I came home and found her underwear in my bed and her hair in my sink?” There was very little he could say to that, but Faith wasn't prepared for what he said next. But he wasn't willing to let Faith have the upper hand.
“I'm moving out,” he said, and then walked into his bathroom and slammed the door. She could hear him slamming and banging in his dressing room, and twenty minutes later, as she sat on a chair looking stunned, he was carrying a valise. She didn't say a word to him. She couldn't even think of what to say.
“Where are you going?” She looked devastated. This was a nightmare come true. And suddenly she was wondering if it was her fault, if she had been too hard on him, if she was to blame because she'd gone to school. She didn't know which end was up anymore.
“I'm going to a hotel for the time being. You can call me at my office if you want to speak with me.” She wanted to tell him that her lawyers would, but she didn't want to jump the gun, just to have the last word. She didn't even know if she needed a lawyer yet, and she didn't want to ask him if she did.
“Are you in love with her, Alex?” Faith asked pathetically. She knew she'd hate to hear it from him if he was, but she wanted to know.
“It's none of your goddamn business whether or not I am,” he said viciously. Not once since she'd confronted him had he apologized to her.
“I think I have a right to know. Who is she?” Faith sounded calmer than she had. There was so much she wanted to know.
“You lost your rights in this marriage, Faith, when you put our marriage on the back burner and went back to school.” It was a ridiculous thing to say, and even Faith knew that. He was being spiteful, irrational, and cruel.
“Are you telling me this is the first time you've been unfaithful to me, and it's all because of me?”
“I'm not saying anything. You'll hear from me when I've decided what I want to do.” It was incredible, he was threatening her. He had turned the tables on her. And he was walking out. But she was the one who had been wronged, and that much was clear to her.
She didn't say another word as he clattered down the stairs, banging his bag along the wall, and a moment later, she heard the front door slam. She knew nothing more than she had when she got home. All she knew was what she had seen in her bedroom the day before, and nothing more. He wasn't about to enlighten her. She walked around the house aimlessly for a while, looking stunned. Half an hour later, she called Brad.
“How're you doing, Fred?” he asked sympathetically. She didn't sound good to him, but she wasn't sobbing this time. Her voice sounded very small.
“He moved out.”
“Are you kidding?”
“He said it was all my fault, because I went back to school, and it's none of my business who she is, or what she means to him.”
“I told you he'd blame you.” But Brad hadn't expected him to move out. He had been cornered like a rat, and it was the only defense he could use. Escape. It was a shabby thing to do, and he said as much to Faith. “I'd like to tell you you'll be better off, but I'm sure you don't feel that way right now.”
“We've been married for twenty-six years. I'm beginning to wonder if I even know who he is.”
“You probably used to, Fred. Things change. We don't always notice it, or want to acknowledge it.” The truth was, he was right. Alex had closed the door on her emotionally years before. She had chosen not to notice it, and to just live with things that way. But sooner or later, what she had ignored had come home to roost. And then she had another frightening thought.
“What am I going to tell the kids?”
“Why say anything, for the next few days at least? They won't know for a while, unless he tells them, and he probably won't. Let the dust settle. He may come back when he calms down. Getting found out may have forced him into a position he doesn't want to take. He may just slip back in if he doesn't lose too much face.”
“Do you think he will?” Faith sounded hopeful, which nearly broke Brad's heart. He didn't want her being buried alive with a man who treated her the way Alex did. If only on behalf of Jack, he wanted better for her. She deserved so much more than Alex gave.
“He might. Just try to relax. And maybe you should call an attorney tomorrow, just to protect yourself. I'll see if I can find you someone in New York. I'll call some friends who do family law out here and see who they recommend. I'm so sorry, Fred. You don't deserve this. And it's not your fault. I hope you know that.”
“I'm not sure what I believe.” She wasn't sure yet how she felt. More than anything she felt dead.
She moved into Zoe's room that night. She couldn't bear the thought of sleeping in her own bed, whether he had changed the sheets or not. Brad called to check on her late that night, and Pam commented when he got off the phone. She hadn't seen him look that upset in a long time. Not since one of their kids had been seriously sick.
“What was that all about?” She had just come in from dinner with friends, and he had stayed home, allegedly to do some work. But she knew perfectly well that he just hadn't wanted to go out with her and her friends.
“A friend in distress.”
“It must be pretty bad for you to look like that. Anyone I know?”
“No, it's okay. Marital problems.” Pam wondered if it was Faith, but she decided not to ask. Brad looked too upset for her to question him. She was smart about things like that, and she backed off.
And by noon the next day, Brad had e-mailed her the name of an attorney in New York. Faith called him and left a message, and was relieved when he called her back. She explained what had happened, and the attorney asked her if she wanted to hire a private investigator to see if they could find out who the woman was. And much to her own surprise, she said yes.
She felt like she was swimming underwater for the next few days. She went to school, talked to Brad. She hadn't heard a word from Alex, and the attorney called her back on Friday. She was stunned to hear that he knew who the woman was. She was twenty-nine years old, divorced, had a child, and was a receptionist at the investment banking firm where Alex worked. According to some of the secretaries who knew her there, she had moved to New York from Atlanta the year before, and she and Alex had been involved for the past ten months. Ten months. It had nothing to do with her going to school. He had been cheating on her for nearly a year. And just listening to the attorney, Faith felt sick.
She made an appointment to come to his office the following week, but she still had no idea what to do. She didn't know if she should divorce him, or ask him to come back. They hadn't talked all week. She didn't even know how serious he was about the girl. And not knowing what else to do, she called Alex at the office that afternoon. And was relieved when he took her call. She was afraid he wouldn't even do that, but he sounded anything but pleasant when he heard her voice.
“Do you want to get together and talk?” Faith suggested, trying not to sound as angry as she felt. What the lawyer had told her that morning had knocked her off her feet. But so did Alex's response.
“There's nothing to say, Faith,” he said bluntly, and tears sprang to her eyes again. She had spent a week crying on and off. It was almost the way she had felt when Jack died, only that was worse. But in its own way, this was like a death too. It was about loss, of faith, of hope, of dreams, of trust, and maybe even their marriage.
“We can't just walk away from this, Alex. We have to at least talk.” She tried to sound calmer than she felt, so she wouldn't frighten him off.
“I have nothing to say to you,” he said, as though he still felt it was all her fault. And she took a breath, and a leap that would have horrified Zoe and Brad. But it was all she could think of to do. In the face of his endless criticisms, she always felt as though she should make the effort and the sacrifice, no matter how unfair or unwarranted. It was her childhood haunting her again, trying to be the perfect little girl, and never quite measuring up anyway.
“What if I give up school?” It was the ultimate sacrifice, but she wanted to save her marriage. It was too much to give up without at least trying to salvage it. And if that was the issue for him, then maybe she had no choice. She didn't want to trade a law degree for a marriage of twenty-six years.
“It's too late for that,” he answered in a strangled voice, and Faith felt the room reel.
“Are you serious? Do you want to marry this girl?” It was the only reason she could think of for his not coming back. She had been a good wife to him. Her only “mistake,” if he wanted to call it that, was going back to school.
“It's not about this girl, Faith. It's about you.”
“Why? What did I do?” Tears were rolling relentlessly down her cheeks.
“Our marriage has been dead for years. And I feel dead when I'm with you.” She felt his words like a physical blow, they were so cruel. “I'm fifty-two years old. I want a better life. We're all through. The kids are grown up. They don't need us together anymore. You want to go to law school. I want a life too.” He made it sound like he had been planning this for years. And she had walked right into his trap when she went back to school. What he was saying to her was like ripping out her heart. She had stayed with him out of loyalty, and respect for their marriage. And all he was doing was waiting for a second chance, without her.
“I never realized you felt like that,” she said, in a choked voice.
“Well, I do. We both deserve more than this.” He was right, but Faith would have never grabbed for the brass ring, at his expense. She had had every intention of staying with him, no matter how difficult it was. He had none of that loyalty to her. “I've already called a lawyer. You'd better find one too.” She didn't tell him she already had. This whole disaster was moving with the speed of sound, and if nothing else, she wanted to slow it down. She thought he was making a colossal mistake.
“What are we going to tell the girls?” She could only imagine the spin he was going to put on it. It was going to be all her fault. And she had no intention of telling them the sordid story about the girl. It was too humiliating, but would have explained everything. And she was sure that, like her father, Ellie would blame her.
“We'll have to figure that out,” Alex answered her. “Get a lawyer, Faith. I want a divorce.”
“Oh my God.” She couldn't believe she was hearing those words. “How can you do this, Alex? Didn't our marriage mean anything to you?”
“No more than it did to you when you decided to stop being my wife and become a lawyer.”
“How can you compare the two?” She suddenly understood the appeal of the girl in the thong. She was twenty-three years younger than Alex, and a receptionist. She didn't have a major career. He could control her, and he had lost some of his hold on Faith. He couldn't forgive her for that.
“I don't have to justify anything to you, Faith. You brought this on yourself.” Part of her believed him and the rest of her wanted to scream, it was so unfair, and a moment later he hung up. He didn't even tell her where he was staying, and she suddenly wondered if he was living with the girl. Anything was possible now. Faith felt as though she had lost her entire world in a single week, and she was crying softly when she heard the front door slam. She jumped, and couldn't imagine who it was, until she heard Zoe's voice.
“Hi, I'm home!” She had come home as a surprise, and Faith didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to explain Alex's absence, and she wasn't ready to tell her about the divorce. She hadn't even absorbed it yet herself.
Faith quickly wiped her eyes and hurried into the hall with a wide smile. But she had a wild-eyed look, and she hadn't combed her hair all day. And there were deep circles under her eyes, from not sleeping all week.
“Hi, Mom,” Zoe said, as she dropped her bag on the floor of the front hall and then took a closer look at her mother, with worried eyes. “Are you sick?”
“I had some kind of stomach flu, and I've been feeling rotten all week.”
“That's too bad,” Zoe said sympathetically, “you sound like you have a cold too.”
“I do.” Faith was quick to agree. The truth was that she looked as bad as she felt. And it was going to be agony trying to keep the truth from Zoe over the weekend, but she was also relieved that she was there. It gave her something to hold on to, and to anchor her reality to. Her entire life had begun to feel surreal.
“Where's Dad?” Zoe asked, as she checked the refrigerator. There was hardly any food. Faith hadn't shopped or eaten all week.
“He's out of town. He's in Florida.” It was the first place that came to mind, and Zoe nodded. The story was plausible to her. Her father went away a lot.
“We need groceries. Sorry I didn't call. I thought it would be fun to surprise you, Mom. I'm sorry you've been sick.” She turned to her mother with a smile.
“I'll be fine.” Zoe nodded, and didn't think much of it, and then was surprised to see her mother's nightgown in her room and her bed unmade when they went upstairs.
“Who's been sleeping in my room?” She looked startled as she saw her unmade bed.
“I didn't want to keep your father up with my cold, so I slept in here. Sorry, sweetheart, I'll make the bed right away.”
“I thought you said Dad was away.” Zoe looked suspicious. It was obvious that something was wrong, and she wondered if her parents had had a fight.
“He is. But he only left today. I was going to move back to our room tonight.” But the big pretty yellow room all done in flowered chintz looked like a hellhole to her now. She couldn't imagine sleeping in it again.
“How come he left over the weekend?” That was unusual for him.
“I think he was afraid he wouldn't get in. They're expecting a big snowstorm in Chicago at the end of the week. He was going to a very important meeting, so he left early to be sure he'd get in.”
“Mom.” Zoe sat down on the edge of her bed and pulled her mother down next to her. In all her eighteen years, she had never seen her mother in such distress or so confused. Not even when her brother's plane had crashed. Zoe had been fifteen years old then and remembered it well. Her mother looked dazed and in total disarray. “You said he went to Florida. Mom, what's happening? What's wrong?”
“Nothing,” she insisted, as she started to cry. It had been the week from hell, and she was falling apart. And she didn't want to tell Zoe anything yet.
“Tell me the truth, Mom. Where's Dad?”
She knew she had to say something, if not the whole truth. “We had a little fight. It's nothing. I'm just upset, that's all. It's not a big deal.” But it was, and she knew she'd have to tell Zoe the truth at some point. She hated lying to her. “Okay, we had a big fight. A very big fight,” Faith admitted, blowing her nose, as Zoe kept an arm firmly around her. Her sympathies always lay with Faith.
“How big?”
“Very big. He walked out.”
“He left?” Zoe looked shocked, and was suddenly glad she'd come home. Her mother was a total mess. “He walked out?”
“Yes.” She had to fight to hold back sobs.
“Why?”
“It's too complicated to explain. I really don't want to tell you about that part. You have to trust me on that.” Zoe decided to respect her mother's boundaries, for the time being at least.
“Did he blame you?”
“Of course,” Faith said, blowing her nose again. “Who else can he blame? Certainly not himself.”
“Is he coming back?” Faith started to say yes, and then stopped and shook her head as she cried more.
“Holy shit. He's not? Are you sure?” Zoe looked stunned.
“He just told me he wants a divorce.” Zoe was suddenly not just her daughter, but her best friend. And she was afraid to burden her, but Zoe seemed to be holding up a lot better than her mother was. “When did all this happen?” “A week ago. I'm sorry I'm such a mess.” “What a bastard he is,” Zoe said about her father. It confirmed everything she'd thought of him for years, and then she looked at her mother again. “Does Ellie know?” “No one does. I just talked to him half an hour ago. He moved out on Saturday, and he just told me he wants a divorce. He says he has a right to a life too, and he feels dead being married to me.” “What a shit!”
“Don't talk about your father that way.” “Why not? He is. When were you going to tell us?” “I don't know. This is all pretty new. I've just been sitting here crying all week.”
“Poor Mom. I'm so sorry … I wish I'd known … I'm so glad I came home. I don't even know why I did. I just missed you this week.”
“Me too,” Faith said, as the two women hugged and she cried helplessly. And then Zoe took over, and tucked her into her bed. She went downstairs and made her some soup and scrambled eggs. She was shaken by the news she'd heard, but not as badly as Faith. All she wanted to do now was take care of her mom.
She climbed into bed with her when she came back upstairs, and they hugged and talked and watched TV.
And when Brad called late that night, she told him that Zoe was there, and he was relieved. She told him what Alex had said, and he sounded grim at his end.
“What a son of a bitch he is,” Brad said, sounding disgusted, and when Zoe left the room to go brush her teeth, Faith whispered what she knew about the girl, and that he'd been involved with her for nearly a year.
“I know you don't believe this now, but maybe this is for the best, Fred. You'd have never left him, and he'd have ruined your life.” But it was twenty-six years. A lot to lose in a single week. No matter how difficult he was, or how cold, she couldn't imagine a life without him. “I don't want to bother you if you're with Zoe. I'll call you tomorrow. Get some sleep.”
“I will.” Zoe had told her to sleep with her in her bed, and Faith was relieved. She couldn't imagine ever sleeping in her own bed again.
“Who was that?” Zoe asked when she came back from brushing her teeth. She felt like a mother taking care of her child, instead of the reverse.
“Brad Patterson.”
“The rosary guy?” Faith nodded, still looking sad, and Zoe smiled. “Maybe now you can marry him.”
“Don't be silly. He's like my brother, he practically is my brother, and he's married. And I'm still married to your dad.” But they both knew now that it wouldn't be for long. Faith couldn't even fathom it, as she lay in bed with Zoe that night. And she finally fell into a deep troubled sleep.