A Brand New Ending

Chapter 19

Phoenix



I shift around in my bed, pulling the covers over my head, the air in the room cold. Can't they turn the damn heater on? Moments later I feel a poke on my shoulder, knowing exactly who it is.

"What?" I say in a whiny voice.

"Come on," she says, poking me in the shoulder again.

Throwing the covers off, I flip around to look at her, giving her my best "don't f*ck with me" look, but as soon as I see her, I can't do it. Rain is standing by my bed, her hair perfectly straight. The makeup on her face is immaculate. How the hell did she always look so good? I lean up slightly while continuing to look at her.

"Do you have your own makeover fairies that you're not sharing?" I ask, a sly smile on my face.

Rain's eyes become large, a smile coming across her face.

"No," I say sternly, grabbing the blanket and pulling it up and over my head again.

"Please," I hear her beg.

How can I say no to her? I let out a heavy sigh.

"Fine, do with me what you will," I say, pulling my body out of bed, not able to deny Rain anything that would bring her joy. I hear a small squeal escape her lips, her body now bouncing off the floor. I stand there, waiting for her instruction.

"You took a shower last night, right?" she asks me.

I nod in return.

"Perfect!" she exclaims. "Your hair will be just greasy enough." I grab my hair in my hand to one side, looking at it. "My hair isn't greasy."

Rain giggles. "I didn't mean you had dirty hair, it's just easier to style when it's not freshly washed," she explains.

She grabs my hand, taking the spare wooden chair in the other. She sets it up in the bathroom in front of the mirror, leading me over to it. I plop my body down, a sigh escaping my throat. It's now that I realize how nervous I am. I wasn't allowed to wear makeup in Elaina's house. She always said I didn't need to look like a hooker under her roof. It's not like my father even knew where to begin when it came to girls stuff. I can remember when we went shopping for my first bra. A small laughter escapes my lips.

"What's so funny?" Rain asks. I look up her in the mirror.

"Nothing," I say still smiling.

"Doesn't look like nothing," she says.

"I was just thinking about my dad," I explain. She just smiles.

"It's nice to see you smile when you talk about your family for once." I reach up, running my hand along the back of my neck.

"He's the only one I consider family," I explain. I look up at her again, a pout on her lips.

"Well, of course you, too," I say smiling. She giggles then puts the brush in my hair, slowly running it thorough my strands.

"We'll be each other's sisters," she says softly, her demeanor changing slightly.

I can tell she is lost in thought as much as I am. Reaching up, I place my hand on top of hers.

"We'll be the family we never had." I smile, Rain's returning.

"I'd like that very much," she says through a cracked voice.

I let go of her hand and she resumes brushing, it actually feels fantastic. When she finishes, she sets the big brush down, picking up a large round one.

"I'll be right back," she exclaims.

She leaves the bathroom, coming back moments later with a blow dryer in hand, and an aide trailing behind her.

"He has to watch us use this and then I have to give it right back," she explains.

She picks up the round brush again and flicks on the blow dryer, my thoughts being drowned out. I watch Rain in the mirror, trying to follow what she is doing but her hands move like a whirlwind. Minutes later she switches it off, a large smile on her face.

"You have incredible hair, Phoenix," she exclaims. "You should be a model! Don't you agree, Donovan?"

I had almost forgotten he was here. The fire in my cheeks is burning hot.

"You don't have to answer that," I mutter to him.

"I think you're smokin'." He laughs. Now I can die of embarrassment.

"Uh, thanks?" I respond, not really knowing what to say.

We both hear Rain huff.

"Donovan, you don't say smoking, you say beautiful. Women like it when you call them beautiful," she says sternly.

"Got it," he says as though he was truly listening.

Rain coils up the cord, handing it back to Donovan.

"Thanks," she says.

"Anytime, pipsqueak," he responds.

"See you ladies around," he says before giving both of us a smile and leaving the room.

I just smile at him.

"You can just talk to the aides like that?" I ask her. She shrugs.

"Most of them are pretty relaxed, plus I've been here long enough to get to know them personally."

"Oh," was all I could respond with. Does she know Braeden…personally?

I am quiet for a moment, thinking out how I am going to do this. A part of me wants to - no has to - know Braeden's story. There is clearly something there and it's eating me up inside. I swallow before opening my mouth.

"So Rain..." I start out.

"Mmm hmm…" I hear her respond, her attention fixated on my hair.

"Has Braeden ever told you his story?" I ask, feeling like I am prying into his life.

She stops what she is doing and looks up at me in the mirror. Her face changes from ecstatic to somewhat worrisome.

"No," she responds. "But I can always tell something is off with him. And whatever it is, it still very much hurts him to this day."

A million things run through my mind, trying to guess what it is. Rain resumes her work. After what seems like an eternity, she steps back to let me look at myself in the mirror. And that's all I can do. The figure standing in front of me is not me. I don't recognize this person. Her skin is porcelain like. The dark circles from under her eyes are gone. Her eye lids are a dark smoky color, making the color in them pop. Her hair looks soft, large barrel curls surrounding her face. And the scars gone. My lip begins to quiver, trying everything in my power not to cry. I turn to Rain, a large smile still on her face. I wrap my arms around her.

"Thank you," I say, still fighting the tears.

"You're very welcome," she says as I pull back. "You look beautiful, Phoenix."

As much as I fight, tears start to swell up. Rain reaches up, wiping them quickly away.

"You're messing up my masterpiece!" she giggles.

I help wipe them away, not wanting to waste all of her hard work. I turn around, taking one more look in the mirror. I feel…beautiful.

I notice that Rain has left the room, leaving me to my own thoughts. After one more glance in the mirror quickly, I head out, flicking the light off when I leave. Rain and I leave our room, arms linked just like my first day here. When we reach the hallway, my mind instantly switches. My eyes searching.

"So, what do you want to do today?" she asks nonchalantly.

I laugh. Like there are so many options. Turning my head, I take a peek outside. The wind is strong, dark clouds lingering.

"Maybe we can just watch some TV?" I suggest.

We walk into the recreation room, a few other patients mingling about. Rain and I sit down on the couch, her handing me the clicker. I spend the next ten minutes flicking through the hundreds of channels, amazed that there is nothing on. As I continue to search, I stop when something catches my eye. I watch the group of sweaty shirtless men bouncing the volley ball back and forth, all of them hooting and hollering like bunch of animals.

"He's really hot," I hear Rain say, her clearly watching it as intently as me.

"I'm more of a Val Kilmer girl," I admit.

"Nothing wrong with that." She laughs. We both go back to watching it. A few minutes later I hear someone speak.

"Phoenix likes herself some sweaty shirtless men," Donovan says, his body standing behind us on the couch.

I pick up the remote, it fumbling out of my hand and falling to the floor. Reaching down I find it, hitting the power off button, the TV going black. Donovan laughs.

"I didn't mean to interrupt you ladies," he explains.

"You weren't," I mutter. Donovan comes around the front of the couch.

"Can I sit?" he asks, ushering to the space next to me.

"Of course," I say.

I scoot over closer to Rain, giving him more room. He plops down, letting out a big sigh. We all sit there for a few minutes not saying much. I can feel the heat off his body, it making me nervous. I start to pick at my fingernails, the silence making me on edge.

"Do you guys want to play cards?" Rain asks.

"Sure," I say.

"Absolutely!" Donovan exclaims.

Rain flies off the couch, grabbing a pack of cards. She comes back, shuffling the new stack in her hands.

"So, what do you want to play?" she asks, looking at both of us. I immediately look up at Donovan. "Have you ever played cards, Phoenix?"

I have a flash back, my father and I playing Go Fish on the kitchen table.

"Just Go Fish," I say quietly.

"I f*cking love Go Fish!" Donovan yells, it making me jump.

"Sorry," he says sympathetically.

"It's OK." I smile. "I know you don't mean to do it on purpose."

Rain starts dealing out the cards. I pick mine up, holding them close to my body.

"Phoenix, you go first," Rain says. I look down at my cards.

"Rain, do you have any…three's?" I ask.

She huffs, handing me two cards. We continue to play, the stack of pairs in front of me growing. That's when I realize I'm having fun. It's Donovan's turn next.

"Phoenix, do you have any five's?" he asks me.

I giggle, shaking my head.

"What the hell," he says, looking down at his cards again. He then leans over, clearly looking at mine. I gasp.

"Are you cheating?"

We all start laughing, it feeling incredible. I take my eyes off of Donovan, looking up, Braeden standing behind him. I find myself smiling harder when I see him, but it instantly falls when I realize something is wrong.

"Hey, man," Donovan says, turning around to face him. "Wanna join?"

"Nah," he says. "You guys look like you are having fun."

"We are!" Rain exclaims. "Phoenix is winning!" I can feel that burn returning.

"Well, I better get back to work," Donovan says getting up.

"Thanks for playing with us," I squeak out.

"Anytime, Phoenix." He smiles.

He goes to walk away, but stops and turns around to face us again.

"You do look beautiful."

I see Braeden's head snap in Donovan's direction. I look down at my cards again, diverting my eyes from the uncomfortable moment. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Rain get up.

"I'm not feeling so well, I think I'm going to go lie down," she says, leaving so quickly that no one can respond.

When she is out of view, I lean over, starting to pick up the cards that are sprawled all over the floor.

"Here," Braeden says, leaning down and helping me.

We both pick up the cards, making small piles in our hands. When we get to the last card, we both reach out at the same time, our hands stopping mere inches from each other. We aren't actually touching but I can feel the electricity in the empty space between them. Braeden recoils his hand slowly. And it upsets me. Did I want him to touch him? I pick up the last card and stand up, Braeden doing the same. He reaches out, silently asking for my cards. I hand them to him, looking around the room. My stomach starts to do flip flops. I turn my head back to him, his eyes on me nervously.

"I was thinking about going for a walk," I say.

"It looks cold out," he says, glancing out the window.

"I like it out there," I respond.

"Yes, I know." He smiles. "You told me."

"Oh…yeah." I gnaw on my lip a little, the feeling of nausea growing. "Do you...want to…join me?" I ask, not knowing if that's even allowed.

"I'd love to," he says, his voice strong. "I'll meet you out there in a second."

I give him a short smile, and turn around, heading out the back doors. The weather outside is indeed cold, possibly the coldest in a while. I continue walking, heading to the right, leaving the small courtyard. Wrapping my arms around myself, I wait. Moments later, I feel him behind me.

"Where do you want to go?" he asks.

I turn around. Looking in both directions.

"That way?" I say, looking in the direction that takes us the furthest away from the hospital. He nods.

I start walking, Braeden always keeping his distance from me. The wind is whipping through my hair, the scent of his cologne swirling around me. We walk silently for what seems like an eternity, eventually reaching the end of the property. There is no one in sight. Just him and I. I stand there facing him, his face hard. Worrisome. I swallow the lump in my throat. It's now or never.

"I wanted to thank you again for yesterday," I say. "You have no idea what that means to me."

"It was no problem, Phoenix," he says softly. "I wish it could be more than that." My heart skips a beat.

"Why would you say that?" I ask, confused.

He sighs. "I can't do this anymore," he says, almost as though he is out of breath. I look at him puzzled. "I can't pretend anymore."

My heart is now pounding so hard I can hear it in my ears. Did he not want to talk to me anymore? Had I done something to upset him? He takes a small step forward.

"Something about you, Phoenix," he starts. "I am drawn to. And I can't explain it."

He pauses.

"Ever since I heard your name, ever since I first laid eyes on you. You have been in my every thought since."

I swallow. He stops and stares at me, gauging my expression.

"And I know that this is beyond wrong, and I know you don't feel the same," he says.

"That's not true," I quickly say.

He remains still. I take my eyes off of him, his gaze too intimidating.

"I can't explain it either," I mutter. "I've never felt this way before. With anyone."

The goose bumps on my arms are now a result of our conversation, not the frigid air.

"And what way is that?" he asks. My eyes snap back up to him.

"Safe," I say.

"You've never felt safe?"

"Not in quite some time."

His body is now close to mine, but I can tell he is keeping a distance between us.

"What did he do to you?" he asks sternly, the direction of our conversation turning.

I shake my head.

"I can't talk about it," I respond. "Not yet."

His face relaxes.

"OK," he responds. "Do you promise one day?"

I smile slightly.

"I promise." We both fall silent again, I shift my eyes around.

"I don't even know what I am doing," I admit. "I've never…is this even allowed?"

He shakes his head.

"It is strongly against hospital policy," he says, it making me nervous.

"I can't let you take that risk," I say shaking my head. "Plus you barely even know me." He looks down, his hand fidgety.

"I would risk a lot more than my job if it meant I got the spend time with you, Phoenix," he says.

My heart swells, so many emotions flowing through my body at this moment. Before I know it, a tear starts to stream down my cheek. Braeden reaches out, hovering his hand in front of my face. Waiting. I stare at it, my heart racing. I lean in slightly, his finger coming into contact with my cheek, the tip of his finger brushing the path of the tear, wiping it away in its entirety. His touch is soft, the feeling foreign to me. It still amazes me how much I am at ease with him. While he makes me nervous, I feel different.

"You are beautiful, Phoenix," he says as he wipes it away, then moving his hand away slowly.

Those words coming out of his mouth have a thousand times more impact. I stand there, staring at him. Amazed that this beautiful creature has come into my life. Like I was handed my very own knight in shining armor. My savior. I sit down on the bench in the nearby corner, all the emotions still running through me, feeling as though I will wake up from this dream at any moment. Braeden sits down beside me, both of us silent, watching the traffic and people go by. He speaks again.

"Today's the anniversary," he speaks. I look over at him confused.

"What?" I ask softly.

"The day my mother died," he says. My heart drops.

"I'm so sorry, Braeden," I respond.

"I had completely forgotten," he says as he runs his hands through his hair. I don't know how to respond.

"To be honest, I am surprised that I hadn't received a call from my father," he adds.

"Maybe he didn't want to upset you," I say.

"Maybe," he mutters.

"How long has it been?" I ask.

"16 years," he declares. My eyes widen.

"It still hurts huh?" I say, more as a statement then a question. He turns to look at me.

"Like the day it happened."

"Were you close?" I ask, wanting more information. Wanting to know as much as I can about him.

"Very," he explains. "Our whole family was." I can now feel his pain behind his tone of voice. "Well, that was before she decided to leave us."

I furrow my brow at him. "Decided?" I squeak out.

"She took her own life, Phoenix," he says, his eyes now looking off in the distant. Involuntarily my hands fly to my mouth.

"I am so sorry, Braeden," I say behind my fingertips.

"It's not your fault," he says. "It was a long time ago."

Something inside me wants to reach out and comfort him, that idea scaring me. He looks down at his watch, his body straightening.

"I have to go," he says to me.

"OK," I respond.

"Do you want me to walk you back?" he asks.

"I would like that."

We both stand up. We walk side by side, our bodies closer together than before. Our arms swing side by side, his finger tips grazing mine every so often. I can't hold back the smile on my face. When we get closer to the back door Braeden drops back behind me a little. Looking up, I notice the security cameras around the back doors. Always being watched. Walking up the back steps, Braeden shuts the door behind us. He steps beside me.

"I'm sorry, that was a lot to unload at you at once," he says softly.

"It's fine." I smile.

"Well, I have to go, but I will be back tomorrow night," he says."OK," I say, a little disappointed.

"Have a good day, Phoenix," he says, sounding as though he wants to say more.

"Bye, Braeden.”

He starts to walk away from me, a sight I am beginning to not enjoy. When he is out of view, I go sit down on the couch, our whole conversation running though my head. I feel a range of emotions. Happy. Nervous. Scared. I had never had a…boyfriend before. Is that even what he is?

After a few minutes I stand up and walk over to the window, knowing that I will be able to see him leave, part of me wanting one last glance. Moments later, I see him, his uniform now covered up with a jacket, his hair sticking up in every direction. I can't help but smile when I see him leave. When he gets to the curb, my smile instantly disappears.

A tall figure with long red hair runs up to Braeden, her arms wrapping around his neck, her lips on his within seconds. I instantly become sick to my stomach, running from the window, needing to get away. When I make it to our room I fly into the bathroom, emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet. For once I am grateful that Rain is no where around. When my stomach stops heaving and there is nothing left to throw up, I reach up, pulling the handle on the toilet, slamming to lid shut.

All the happiness I had been feeling moments prior are gone, a confusing emotion replacing it. I begin to cry, the tears falling fast. Holding onto my knees I rock back and forth, replaying the same image in my mind over and over. How could I be so stupid? What would he ever want with someone like me when he has someone like her? I scramble up off the bathroom floor, heading into my closet. I find the sweatshirt, unrolling it until the metal of the knife appears. Throwing the sweatshirt onto the floor, I hold the knife in my hand. My chest is heaving up and down, my head light. Tears start to flow, knowing I would end up here again. Lowering the knife, I press it to my skin, the blue veins in my wrist pulsing. I drag slowly, the first pass not breaking the skin.

I feel as though I may vomit again, but I press on. Flashes of him come across my mind but I immediately dismiss them. The second pass is a little harder, but the skin refuses to break. I scream out in frustration. I quickly do it again, using all my might, a sight of red coming into view. I smile. It will all be over soon. I hear a loud bang, the door to the closet flying open. Rain is standing in the doorway, tears rolling down her face. I drop the knife instantly, realizing what I've just done. I have people that care about me now. But then her body is moved to the side abruptly, a massive form coming at me. I start to panic, seeing Carl's face coming at me. I scramble to my feet, the room spinning.

"Stay away from me!" I scream.

I can feel his hands on me, the feeling making me nauseous. I start swinging my arms around, hitting everything and anything I can. I kick my legs out with all my force, it coming into contact with the figure multiple times. Moments later, I can no longer move my arms and legs, my body weightless. I can feel multiple hands on me now, my body still trying to fight. I try to wiggle out of their holds but it is useless. I don't know how much time passes, it feels like an eternity. I feel my body being raised and lowered, but I keep using all my energy I have left to try to free myself. And then my mind and body goes black.