A Brand New Ending

Chapter 21

Phoenix



Calm. Relaxed. Fire. Retrained.

My eye lids are so heavy that I can't seem to keep them open and, to be honest, I don't know if I really want to. Opening them would take me back to reality. Moving my arms and legs slowly, I realize that I can't go far. I can feel the soft cloth against my skin. Bits and pieces of hours earlier flash before me. My heart begins to race. I can't exactly remember everything that had happened or how I came to be in these restraints, but I do remember what got me here.

I swallow the growing lump in my throat as I deny my body the tears it so desperately wants to produce. My mind is still in a blur, but Donovan and Rain's faces appear, my mind slowly remembering everything else. A large wave of guilt overcomes me. Donovan was the one who stopped me. My mind and the fear mistook him for Carl.

I remain trapped in my thoughts, wanting nothing more than to get out of there. I can feel the fence around my heart that I had let down for a split second harden up, the base of it now set in concrete. Moments later, I hear the door being pushed open and my heart rate increases. I try to lift my head up to glance at who it is, but it feels as though it weighs a million pounds.

"Phoenix," I hear, not able to place the voice because of my drowsiness. I can feel the figure coming closer to me, the mixture of rage and nervousness washing over me.

"How are you feeling?" I hear before anything comes into view.

I have the incredible sense of déjà vu, remembering the first time I met this figure back in the emergency room. My heart can't seem to return to its natural pace.

"OK," I squeak out. I pause. "A little bit drowsy."

"That would be a side effect of the shot of Ativan we gave you earlier," he responds.

"How long have I been here?" I ask.

He looks down at the watch on his arm. "About an hour and a half," he states.

I remain lying still as Dr. Harris asks me more questions, only giving him brief answers.

"When can I leave?" I ask abruptly. He takes his attention off my arm, looking at me.

"Well, once I am done with this exam, you may head back to your room," he states.

"No, I mean here," I say, shifting my eyes all around the room. He gets a concerned look on his face.

"Phoenix," he starts before pausing. "I think it will be better if you stayed a while longer." I don't respond.

"This…" he says, pointing to my arm, "is not helping. I cannot sign off on your release until I have complete confidence that you are no longer a threat to yourself, or anyone else for that matter."

I just stare at him, wanting to argue but I can't. We both fall silent and Dr. Harris continues to write in what I can only assume is my chart. I find myself curious about what could possibly be written in there. A spike of nervousness flows through me before I speak again.

"You know I…" I start. "I wasn't trying to kill myself."

Neil gives me a small smile, his mood darkening.

"I know," he says softly. "You just wanted the pain to stop." I feel as though he took the words right out of my mouth.

"Yeah," was all that I could respond with. He finishes up his work quietly, his demeanor still sad.

"I will let Donovan know to come undo your restraints," he states. "I am also going to put you on a dose of anxiety medication."

"OK," is all I say. Dr. Harris starts to walk away from me, but pauses and turns around to face me again.

"I know that I have no right, it's not any of my business, and… it's completely inappropriate. I shouldn't be supporting any of this… but I'm gonna say it anyway. You need to be surrounded by good people right now, Phoenix. People who can help you pick up the pieces and heal from the things…" He cuts himself off. "You have someone who cares for you. Give him a chance. I haven't seen him happier than when he talks about you. You may need each other more than you think."

Without another word he leaves the room, the door swinging behind him. I lay my head back again, my mind more confused than it already was. What the hell am I going to do? Just as soon as Dr. Harris leaves, the door swings open again and Donovan's massive figure approaches me. I squirm a little bit.

"How you doing in here?" he asks, a large smile on his face.

"Peachy," I say sarcastically. He just laughs. He reaches his arms out slightly, stopping before he actually makes contact.

"I'm going to remove your restraints, OK?"

I nod in response. He works quickly, releasing each restraint slowly. When he finishes, he backs up slowly and stands there. I have to apologize.

"Donovan," I say softly.

"Mmmm?"

"I just wanted to apologize," I state.

"For what?"

"For, you know, earlier…." He waves his hand.

"Hate to say it, Phoenix, but you're not the first, nor will you be the last." I look down as I fidget with my fingers.

"Doesn't mean I'm not embarrassed, you have been nothing but nice to me." He gives me a smile. "All of you have."

Donovan crosses his arms and stares at me.

"So, you wanna tell me what's up," he states.

My heart races. I shake my head. "No, not yet."

"Well, whatever he did, I will gladly kick his ass for you."

I can't help but laugh. "Thanks, but that won't be necessary."

We both drop the subject.

"You ready to go back to your room?" he asks. I nod.

"OK, do you think you can walk?" he asks me.

"I don't know," I admit. "I'm still pretty groggy…"

"OK," he says. "I guess I'll have to carry you."

He slowly places his hands underneath me and I feel my body being lifted in the air. When we make it to my room, he places me on top my bed, my eyelids becoming heavy again. Just before sleep completely overtakes me, I can only think of one thing. His beautiful green eyes looking back at me.