A Brand New Ending

Chapter 23

Phoenix



Breathing is becoming difficult. My lungs are working overtime and my throat begs for oxygen. I look at myself in the mirror and notice that the color in my skin has vanished. A ghost.

I slowly side down the cabinet wall, my body giving up, no longer having the energy to stay vertical. As I heave against the wall I feel warmth flow from my arm, the familiar sight of spewing blood running down it and onto the tile floor.

I watch as it flows through the grout like a river, each line meeting to create an even bigger puddle. The gash in my arm grows bigger with every pulse, the severed veins coming into view as they work overtime to pump more blood. But instead of the usual feeling of happiness I have when I do this, I realize I am filled with fear. An extreme thirst for life fills me and my eyes instantly well up with tears.

Reaching over with my right hand I try to plug the hole, but my fingers are not wide enough to cover the ever growing gash. I start to cry furiously, begging God for one more second chance. The darkness and silence I longed for just moments ago is far from what I desire now. I want to travel the world; I want to feel the sun beat on my face as I lay in the grass on a warm summer day. I want to feel someone's love. I want to love someone.

My fingers are deep inside my arm now, finding the severed veins in hope of stopping the blood, but there is no luck. The bathroom floor is now a permanent pool of crimson red. Knowing that it's a lost cause, I retract my fingers, laying my head back against the cabinets. Closing my eyes I try to talk myself into remembering this is what I always wanted. What I always asked for. As I lay there I can feel myself slipping, my mind blank, no memories or visions from my soon-to-be past life coming. Complete silence. But then a touch. A slight tickle graces my arm, snapping me back into reality. It takes my mind a few seconds to process this touch, but when it does my eyes snap open instantly. Once I can focus I see a figure standing before me, both of its hands clamped onto my wound, an immense burning coming from their touch. It sends me into an agonizing pain. I scream out but the hands do not remove themselves. My whole body shakes, trying to get away from this thing that is hurting me. A pain much worse than Carl has ever inflicted upon me. It feels as though my whole body has been set on fire under my skin and sealed shut.

I decide to look up at the figure causing this, my heart instantly breaking. The hands belong to Braeden, his green eyes look demonic, the always-compassionate look on his face departed. But he isn't concentrated on my face, his eyes are looking only at his hands that remain on my arm, a sweat breaking on his brow. I realize that since I saw him, I no longer feel the need to scream and a sense of calm comes about. I take in his apparel. He is still wearing his scrubs, but instead of them being the usual green they are stark white. White in a sea of red. My eyes continue south, now realizing that the blood around his feet is non-existent, almost as though the blood retreats anywhere he touches. He grabs onto my arm even tighter, snapping me back. The pain is even more excruciating than before and I fear I may blackout. I start to plead for him to stop, confused about what he is trying to do. Was he sent here to finally end me? To put me out of my misery?

I fall back out of consciousness again, the darkness and silence returning. The pain becomes nonexistent. Just as I fear that I am slipping again, a brush on my cheek awakens me. I fight again to open my eyes and when I do, Braeden's face is mere inches from me.

"I thought I had lost you," his soft, velvety voice utters.

I try to find words to say, but my mind and mouth will not work together. His fingers continue to brush my cheeks, calming me slightly. Why is he prolonging it? Did he want me to suffer more?

Prying my eyes away from him, I notice the entire bathroom is now completely white, all the red gone from the room. Even my clothes are white. Grabbing my arm I see that the hole is entirely closed with no sign that it was ever there. The pain, however, lingers. It's not as strong but it's a low burn, almost as though my bones have been extinguished from the flames but the damage still remains. Moving my hands slowly, I reach upwards and my once-still heart beats rapidly. I continue to move slowly, fearing that he is merely a mirage that will disappear at my lightest touch. But when my fingertips come into contact with his skin I try to hold back a smile but I can't.

When he sees my smile he mimics it, his pearly whites matching the rest of the room. As my heart continues to beat, the knot in my stomach grows. Leaning up slowly, I continue to stare at his mouth until I can feel his hot breath on mine, the knot growing into desire. We both hold still, our breathing moving in sync. Not wanting to wait any longer, I put my lips to his, tasting his sweet breath instantly. My lips move with his, his arms now wrapped around my body and pulls me onto his lap. His touch is somewhat harsh, his fingers clutching onto my shirt tight but I am not afraid of it and I feel as though I crave it. When I pull back from his kiss I can't help but put my fingers to my lips, feeling the small tingle on them. When I look back up, Braeden is gone.

~

I snap my eyes open, my heart still racing, my mind still in the dream. Reaching up I touch my lips, feeling nothing but dryness. No tingle. No warmth. Tossing my body over, I lay on my side, replaying the whole dream in my head. It still seems so real. Bringing my arms out in front of me, I run my fingertips over the stitches still in my arm, the incision slightly inflamed. Of course it was only a dream.

Pulling them back into my body I spot something on my nightstand that wasn't there before. A small porcelain seal is staring at me, its lips slightly curved up as though it is smiling. Reaching out I gently pull it from the table, cupping it in my hands. I smile as I look it over. Flipping over, I place it back on the corner of the nightstand. I continue to smile but then it hits me. He was here? I know where it must have come from and that makes me instantly nervous. I know I'll have to talk to him eventually, this place being so incredibly small. But the thought of talking to him makes me scared and I wish I had never put myself in this situation. What was there to say?

My heart begins to race just thinking about it. I want nothing more than stay in this bed forever, to hide from the world. It will only be a matter of time before Rain comes and pulls my ass out. We didn't talk much about the incident once I was released from the restraints, Rain probably didn't want to upset me, but I know everyone thinks it was all because of Braeden. But it wasn't. OK, it was a little about Braeden, but it was mostly about me. I was mad at myself for thinking that Braeden and I would run off together when I got out of here and live happily ever after. Or that he was anything close to being mine. I wouldn't even know what to do with him if he was.

Once my father died, I instantly put a wall around my heart. It kept me safe. It kept me from getting close to anyone and never feeling the pain of loss all over again. Something about Braeden slowly made that wall crumble and it scared me. Fairy tales are bullshit. There was no prince to rescue me. There was no spell to make the big bad wolf disappear. This was real life. My life.

Pulling my cover off, I get out of bed slowly. I grab the seal in my hand, a sudden irritation flowing through me. I walk into the bathroom and, holding my hand clutching the seal out over the wastebasket, my palms become sweaty. As much as I want to release it and drop it into the trash, I can't. Its eyes seem to bore into mine.

"F*ck," I mutter as I retract my hand.

It bugs me how much he is still under my skin, even though I plead and beg for my body and mind to forget about him. He doesn't even have to be in the room for me to feel him. Grabbing a few sheets of toilet paper, I wrap the figurine up and place it in the back of my closet. After getting dressed I hover at our bedroom door, not wanting to leave the confines of the room. As I stand there, I can hear my stomach grumble, not having eaten in quite some time.

Putting my trembling hand on the door knob I pull it open, the bright lights from the hallway blinding me. When my eyes adjust I instantly scan the hallway. He is nowhere in sight. I feel like I exhale for the very first time. Walking slowly to the kitchen I grab myself a plate and notice that my appetite is returning, slightly. I sit down and eat a few bites, mostly pushing the rest of it around my plate with my fork. Just when my nerves have calmed, I look up and scan the room, wondering what Rain is doing at this moment. It's only a matter of time before my eyes find him.

He's looking down at something in his hand; I assume what could only be a patient's chart. After staring at him for a few seconds he looks up, our eyes instantly connecting. I quickly retreat, putting my attention back on my plate of food. My heart now starts to race. I could just get up from the table and exit the room through the other entrance, but some unexplainable force keeps me planted in my chair. I can feel him coming closer but I keep my eyes down until he is standing on the opposite side of the table, his fingers gripping the back of the chair opposite me. I look up from under my eyelashes, noticing that his knuckles are turning white. He's nervous. That makes two of us.

"Phoenix," his tone is eerily similar to what it was in my dream. Dropping my fork down on my plate, I slowly look up at him. The look on his face is heartbreaking, even to someone who is incredibly mad at him. He looks lost.

"Yes, Brae…" I pause. His eyes look down at the table instead of looking at me.

"Can I talk to you?" he asks.

I lick my lips before responding. "About what?" I ask, clearly knowing what I am doing. I hear a sigh leave his throat.

"Please," his voice begs. I realize how torn I am at this moment, wanting nothing more than for this to all be over. Standing up, I grab my tray in my hands. Braeden's hand drops off the chair, a look of defeat in his eyes.

"Remember where…" I swallow hard. "We talked earlier, out in the yard?"

He nods. "Be out there in 5 minutes."

He just nods again and leaves the kitchen. I slowly walk over and put my tray in the window. My heart still beats fast as I doodle around the day room, each minute seeming to last an eternity. When I think that enough time has passed I make my way to the patio door. The wind is blowing so hard that it takes all of my might to push it open. When I get outside, an instant chill runs through my body. I usually like the cold, having lived in cold places for all of my life, but not tonight.

I slowly make my way down, out of the security camera's eye. When I round the corner he is already there. When he sees me he takes a hurried step forward, making me instantly take a step back.

"I'm sorry," he mutters as I retreat.

Wrapping my arms around myself, I wait for him to speak. To plead his case. Braeden remains standing where he is and I can tell he is thinking carefully about what he was going to say next.

"You shouldn't have seen that," he says first, his words shocking me.

"Seen what, Braeden?”

He sighs. "I don't want to lie to you."

"Then don't." I get antsy at the silence. "You know what, Braeden, I don't need to know," I snap.

"But I want you to," he says, trying to take a step forward this time. I don't move back.

"I want you to know that she means nothing to me," he says only above a whisper. "Nothing."

"Who is she?"

He swallows. "Someone I've slept with," he admits, shame in his voice.

I can feel tears prick at my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. I look off to the side hoping to hide my emotions from him, but the idea of Braeden's hands on her makes my stomach turn. And I have no reason for feeling this way.

"If she meant nothing to you why was she here? Why did she have her hands on you? Why did you kiss her back?" I ask quickly, my emotions getting the best of me.

"If you had stayed and watched you would have seen me push her away," he says defeated. I continue to cross my arms and stare at him.

"All I can say is I am sorry, Phoenix. If you just give me a chance…" I interrupt him. I have to end this now.

"I think that it would be better if we were just friends."

His eyes turn sorrowful. "Friends?" he asks, his tone in disbelief. "Please don't let this ruin everything."

"Ruin what?" I ask confused.

"You know what," he says, his tone becoming harsh.

I shake my head. "We could never be anything, Braeden," I state, my eyes now looking at the ground. "I was stupid to think we could be."

"But you said that you felt something for me," he says, his voice getting louder.

"Please, I beg of you. It was nothing."

He takes a step closer to me, his body extremely close. I remain silent. He takes a few seconds before speaking again. "I could never explain the way you make me feel," he starts. "And I still can't to this day. But something about us is connected. The past few weeks have been incredible. Something inside me lit when we met, Phoenix. And I know it's the same for you."

"And how do you know that?" I ask, trying to be stern.

"Because I can see it. You are different around me than you are with others. I know that I make you nervous, but I also know that you feel something for me. Something you have never felt with anyone else."

I can now feel his breath on my face, his chest rising and falling.

"I can see it now," he continues. "You don't let Donovan get within 5 feet of you without flinching and here I am, standing mere inches from you."

I look up at him, his eyes intense. "It's too late for me, Braeden. I am broken beyond repair," I say, my throat tight. "You deserve better. You deserve someone you can touch. Who has the capability to…feel."

I back away slowly so that I can come out from under this spell his has over me. "Goodbye, Braeden," I whisper.

Turning around I run back to the hospital, leaving him alone in the frigid cold.