It was a fair question, and it was one I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t even look at her anymore, for fear she’d see right through me. “Answer her, Kellan,” I heard Jenny say. I looked at her, standing between us, and she raised an eyebrow in expectation. Frowning, I stayed silent. How could I tell her? How I could I tell her anything? Opening my mouth meant opening my heart. And opening my heart meant exposing it…and she’d hurt me so much already. Another wound would kill me.
Kiera’s soft voice penetrated the silence. “The whole fight in the car…the rain…all of that started because I was so angry about you and her. Why would you let me think—”
“Why would you automatically assume—” I interrupted. She’d imagined the worst of me from the beginning of Anna’s visit. She’d never even given me a chance to be faithful to her. Not that I owed her that. She certainly wasn’t being faithful to me. Or Denny.
“She told me. Well, she made it sound like…” Her voice drifted off as her eyes closed. When she looked at me again, her eyes were soft, apologetic. “I’m sorry I assumed…but why would you let me think that for so long?”
Her face, her voice…they melted the hardness around my heart. I loved her, even now, and I owed her some sort of explanation. Hoping it didn’t hurt too badly, I confessed my sin. “I wanted to hurt you…”
“Why?” she whispered, taking a step toward me. Seeing that the storm had passed, Jenny didn’t try to hold her back, didn’t try to keep us apart.
Kiera’s question cracked my soul. Because I love you, but you don’t want me. Words failing me, I turned away from her. A soft hand touched my cheek and I closed my eyes at the warmth and tenderness there. It had been so long since she’d touched me. “Why, Kellan?” she repeated.
With my eyes closed, the words were easier to find. “Because you hurt me…so many times. I wanted to hurt you back.”
As I reopened my eyes, I could feel the wall between us shimmering. I could feel the pain I’d been swallowing emerging. I’d missed her so much. Seeing her but not being able to touch her, hold her, love her…it was killing me. Kiera was a scar across my heart that would never fully heal, no matter how many random encounters I placed across it. My poor imitations of her were only ripping open the wound again and again. Good or bad, she was forever a part of me.
While Kiera and I gazed at each other with heartbroken eyes, Jenny and Evan left the room. When we were alone, finally, Kiera whispered, “I never wanted to hurt you, Kellan…either of you.”
Kiera collapsed after her words, like they were too much to bear. Sinking to her knees, she sat there with her head down as the guilt, pain, and whatever else she was feeling settled around her. As hard as this was for me, it was equally hard for her; sometimes I forgot that.
I knelt on the ground across from her. Holding her hands in mine, I told her, “It doesn’t matter now, Kiera.” Nothing matters. “Things are how they’re supposed to be. You’re with Denny and I’m…I’m…” I’m alone.
With a shaky exhale, Kiera murmured, “I miss you.”
The words coming from her lips were wonderful, and torturous. A lump caught in my throat. “Kiera…” Don’t go there…We can’t do this again.
She started crying, and whatever resolve I had vanished. I couldn’t let her cry in front of me without trying to comfort her, especially since it was my fault she was upset. All of this was my fault. I never should have crossed that line with her. I should have kept my promise to Denny and stayed away. Far away. We should have stayed friends, only friends.
Pulling her into my arms, I stroked her back. She clutched at me while she sobbed on my shoulder. It tore me in two. She was hurting just as much as I was. She’d scarred me, but I’d scarred her too. “I’m sorry, baby,” I muttered. I wasn’t sure if she heard me, but I felt better saying it.
Sitting back on my heels, I pulled her onto my lap. Closing my eyes, I simply enjoyed being near her. I ran my hand down her hair, wishing we could stay like this forever. We couldn’t though. We didn’t have much time at all, and once we left this room…nothing would change. She was still Denny’s. Now was all we had. All we’d ever have.
I could sense Kiera pulling away, but I wasn’t ready for her to go yet. Holding her close, I whispered, “No, please…stay.”
Kiera froze on my lap and awareness flooded me. She was so close, and it had been so long since I’d held her. Even though sadness had soured my mood, desire was creeping in. Would there ever be a time when I didn’t yearn for her? Probably not. As our breaths filled the still air, I slowly opened my eyes to look at her. Her cheeks were rosy and streaked with recent tears, but her eyes were hooded as she stared at me. The flame between us was mutual; she wanted me as much as I wanted her. I think that only made this harder.
Her eyes darted over my face, taking me in. “I miss you, so much.”
She seemed surprised by her admission, which made it feel genuine. I rested my head against hers. God, I’ve missed you too. I want you…so much. “Kiera, I can’t…” I can’t be hurt again. I won’t survive it. “This is wrong, you’re not mine.”
“I am yours.” Her breath washed against my face, as intoxicating as her words.
My heart seized in my chest and a small whimper escaped me. “Are you…?” I asked, my lungs hardly functioning anymore. When did breathing become so hard?
Looking up, I met her eyes. It was now or never. Make a move, take a risk, or run away. I was tired of running from her. “I want you so much…” I wanted everything. Our friendship. The way she looked through the bullshit and saw the person beneath it. Our walks through the campus. Our flirty banter. The way she smiled at me. The way she cared, when no else did, or had, or ever would again. She was everything to me. My reason for being.
I was expecting her to push me away again, but she didn’t. Tears in her eyes, she whispered, “I want you too.” She’d never admitted that to me like this, with a clear head. It stunned me, overwhelmed me, and made me love her all the more.
I repositioned us so she was lying on the floor, with me on top of her. Hovering my lips over her mouth, I debated if I could do this. Could I put my hand in the fire again, knowing I would get burned? If I took this road with her, would she follow through with me, or would she shove me away again? I had no way of knowing, and it scared the shit out of me.
Maybe seeing my uncertainty, Kiera shook her head and started opening her heart. “I’ve missed you so much. I’ve wanted to touch you for so long. I’ve wanted to hold you for so long. I’ve wanted you for so long. I do need you, Kellan…I always have.”
Her words were heaven to my ears, but I still didn’t know what she wanted. I couldn’t go through that vicious cycle again. I searched her eyes, hoping to see just a spark of what I felt for her reflected back at me. I needed to know that if we did this, if we crossed this line again, she would still be there on the other side of it. That right or wrong, she would stand beside me as an equal participant. No blame. No guilt. “I won’t…I won’t be led on again, Kiera. I would rather end this than be hurt by you again. I can’t…” I can’t handle another rejection.
Her fingers reached up to grab my face. “Don’t leave me. You are mine…and I’m yours. I want you…and you can have me. Just stop being with all those—”
My guard up, I pulled away. So that was what this was about? “No. I won’t be with you because you’re jealous.”
Her hands returned to my skin, pulling my face down again. Mimicking a move that I had done on her before, she slid her tongue under and along my upper lip. I shivered in delight. She felt so good. No. Yes. “Kiera…no. Don’t do this to me again…”
Kiera paused with her mouth almost touching mine. “I’m not, Kellan. I’m sorry I pushed you away before, but I’m not saying no anymore.” Her tongue returned to my lip while my mind spun. She wasn’t saying no? I could have her? Whenever I wanted? What about Denny? Could I handle sharing her with him? Yes. Not being with her was worse than any other fate I could think of.
When her tongue was only halfway along my lip, I crashed my mouth down to hers. God, she tasted good, felt good, smelled good. I’d missed this so much. A nagging thought picked at my mind as our mouths moved together. I stopped kissing her and pulled back to look at her. What am I doing? My breath became shallow and fast as I made a split-second decision. If she was going to do this with me, then she was going to know the truth. She was going to know how I felt about her. I couldn’t let her believe this was a casual fling, that this was just sex to me. It went so much deeper than that. There was no casual here. I was all in, and she needed to know that.
Terrified of the words I’d never spoken to another human being before, I whispered, “I’m in love with you.” She started interrupting me, but I didn’t let her get very far. If I didn’t say this now, I never would.
Bringing my hand up to her cheek, I gave her a kiss as tender as my words. “I’m so in love with you, Kiera. I’ve missed you so much. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I say awful things to you. I’m sorry I lied about your sister…I never touched her. I promised you I wouldn’t. I couldn’t let you know…how much I adore you…how much you hurt me.”
With each word I spoke, the next word was easier. Before I knew it, I was rambling in between brief, heartfelt kisses. “I love you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. The women…I was so scared to touch you. You didn’t want me…I couldn’t take the pain. I tried to get over you. Every time with them, I was with you. I’m so sorry…I love you.”
I didn’t know if I was getting through to her. I didn’t know if I was making sense, but I needed her forgiveness. I’d done so much wrong. “Forgive me…please. I tried to forget you. It didn’t work…I just wanted you more. God, I’ve missed you. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’ve never wanted anyone like I want you. Every girl is you to me. You’re all I see…you’re all I want. I want you so much. I want you forever. Forgive me…I love you so much.”
Kiera’s breath increased, and our kisses became heated, intense and passionate, just like everything about us. “God, I love you. I need you. Forgive me. Stay with me. Say you need me too. Say you want me too. Please…be mine.”
Reality snapped back into me as I begged for her love. She’d been silent this entire time. She hadn’t said a word in response, besides my name. What did that mean? Was she okay with what I was saying? Was she surprised how much I cared about her? Was she ambivalent? Did she care about me at all? What was she thinking…?
“Kiera…?”
She tried to speak, but no words came out. Calming herself, she closed her eyes. I could see the tears squeezing through her eyelashes, but I didn’t know what that meant either. She didn’t say anything for a long time, and she didn’t open her eyes. I guess that was my answer. She didn’t feel what I felt. She didn’t love me. I’d poured my heart out for nothing. No, not for nothing. I’d opened myself up to someone, and I’d never done that before. That had to count for something.
I pulled away from her and her eyes finally opened. She grabbed my arm, stopping me. I felt my eyes stinging as I looked down at her. Was this the moment she broke my heart again? Could I stomach it? I really didn’t feel like I could. A tear in my eye trickled down my skin. Kiera brushed it away, then cupped my cheek and pulled me closer. Our lips met, and my heart soared and cracked.
“Kiera…” I pulled away. I needed words from her right now, not actions.
Her eyes were as wet as mine as she stared up at me. She swallowed a harsh lump in her throat, then she finally spoke. “You were always right—we’re not friends. We’re so much more. I want to be with you, Kellan. I want to be yours. I am yours.”
She wasn’t saying it as directly as I had…but I understood. She did love me. She didn’t want to, but she did, and she didn’t want to fight it anymore. She was mine. Finally.