Chapter 27
Preparing for Reality
I felt like a weight had been lifted when we left the Needle. There weren’t any secrets between us anymore; Kiera knew everything about me. She knew what I’d done, and she knew why I’d done it. She knew the real reason why my parents had treated me with such disdain. She knew it all. A part of me still feared that Kiera would reject me, but right now, all was right in the world.
The air was crisp and cold as Kiera and I walked back to my car in the parking lot. The chill in the breeze was an unspoken reminder that winter was just around the corner. I welcomed the change though. As the temperature dropped, surely Kiera and I would heat up. Since all the walls between us had come down, there was nothing keeping us from each other. I might have to share her with Denny, but at least I wasn’t losing her. As sad as it sounded, as long as I got to keep a part of her heart as my own, I was okay with sharing her body. At least, that was what I was telling myself. Over and over if I needed to. I can do this.
To shift the focus of my thoughts before they got too dark, I looked over at Kiera with a serious expression. When we reached the car, I stopped and said, “There is one more thing I wanted to talk to you about.”
She instantly tensed. “What?”
Shifting my intense face to a breezy grin, I told her, “I can’t believe you stole my car…really?”
Kiera laughed, which I didn’t find amusing, but I did find charming. Then she cringed, and I knew she was remembering the events that had led up to the carjacking. “You kind of deserved it at the time. You’re lucky it came back to you in one piece,” she said, poking my chest.
I knew I hadn’t really done anything wrong, but I also knew how much it would have torn me up if I’d witnessed Kiera in that position with Denny. I can do this. Not wanting to dwell on the negative aspect of our relationship, I made myself stay in a humorous frame of mind. “Hmmmm…in the future, could you just slap me again, and leave my baby alone?”
With a playful frown, I opened her door. She placed a foot inside, then grabbed my chin. “In the future, could you not go on anymore ‘dates’?”
Her voice sounded playful, but the look in her eye wasn’t. She was seriously asking this of me. She wanted me to be faithful to her, while she split her love between Denny and me. Grief struck me for a moment, that I couldn’t have exactly what I wanted with her, but I pushed it back. Anything was good enough.
Grinning, I gave her a light kiss. “Yes, ma’am.” Shaking my head at the chaos of my life, I walked around to my side of the car.
Kiera snuggled into my side on the drive home. We held hands as she rested her head on my shoulder, and I stroked her long, slender fingers. Peaceful. That was the only word I could use to describe how I felt. Or maybe blissful, euphoric, satisfied. Except…that wasn’t entirely true. Whenever I dug a little deeper, I touched a nerve of pain. She still isn’t mine…
I wanted to feel peace right now though, so I stopped digging into my soul, stopped overthinking the situation. Delusional happiness was better than none.
When my house came into view, a pang of reality went through me. The joy we’d found tonight would be tested when we stepped through that door. I’d have to wrestle with the idea of sharing her; Kiera would have to wrestle with the idea of willingly betraying the man she loved. And I couldn’t deny that she loved Denny. Through all of this, that had never changed. For either one of us. He deserved so much better than both of us.
As we cuddled in my car parked in the driveway, I thought over everything I’d felt since Kiera had arrived—the ups, the downs, the dreams, nightmares, fantasies. She’d permeated every aspect of my life, from waking to sleeping. It was a bit remarkable to me that a person could become so entangled with another person’s psyche that it was impossible to remove them. Traces of Kiera were permanently seared into the very essence of my being.
Kissing her head, I murmured, “I dream about you sometimes…about what it would have been like if Denny hadn’t come back, if you were mine. Holding your hand, walking into the bar with you on my arm…not having to hide anything anymore. Telling the world that I love you.”
Smiling, she looked up at me. “You mentioned that you dreamed about me once. You never said about what though.” She kissed my cheek, then added, “I dream about you too sometimes.”
“Really?” That surprised me, and made me really happy. I’d kind of thought that I slipped her mind the moment I was out of her sight. “Huh, we’re kind of pathetic, aren’t we?”
I laughed as I considered all the stolen moments we’d had with each other in our minds. What a life dream-Kellan and dream-Kiera must have already had together. “And what are your dreams about?”
She giggled with embarrassment, her cheeks flushed. “Honestly, I mostly dream about sleeping with you.”
The look on her face when she spoke about sex was so damn cute, I could barely restrain myself from leaning down and sucking on her plump lip. I let out a much-needed laugh. Of the two of us, Kiera was undoubtedly the innocent one, yet she’d been having the erotic dreams, while mine had generally been on the more romantic side.
Amused, Kiera laughed with me. Grabbing her hand, I laced our fingers together. “God…is that all I am to you?” I asked.
Hoping she didn’t say yes, I watched as her laughter ended and her expression grew serious. “No…no, you’re so much more.”
My laughter dried up as the moment grew intense. “Good, because you mean everything to me.” What would I be without her? I didn’t want to fathom it.
Kiera clutched my hand tighter as she cuddled closer to me in the car. I wished we could stay for the rest of the night, but it was already late, and if Denny woke up and found us out here…there was just no good way to explain it. There wasn’t a good way to explain a lot of things between us. That slap in the bar, for instance. “What did you tell Denny?”
Kiera cringed, and I knew she didn’t want to talk about this. We needed to though. I needed to know the story if I was going to back it up. “That you slept with my sister and broke her heart. That’s believable. Everyone saw you at the bar together. Denny seemed to buy it.”
My heart sank as I felt the ticking of time closing in around us. She’d forgotten something very important in that lie…an aspect of it that we couldn’t control. “That won’t work, Kiera.”
Her voice sped up as she started panicking. “Yes, it will. I’ll talk to Anna; she’ll back me up. I’ve had to lie for her before. I won’t tell her why, of course…and Denny probably will never ask her about it anyway.”
She wasn’t seeing the problem I was seeing. Of course, she didn’t know the jackass like I knew the jackass, so it was easy for her to dismiss him. “I wasn’t thinking of your sister. That’s not why that won’t work.”
I saw the spark of despair in her eyes the second the realization hit her. “Oh God…Griffin.”
Nodding, I agreed with her summation. “Yeah…Griffin. He really does tell everyone.” Remembering her cluelessness, I smiled. “I don’t know how you managed to miss that. You’ve gotten good at tuning him out.” My humor left me as the problem loomed over us. “When Denny hears that it isn’t true…” He’ll know. We’ll change him…forever.
Kiera looked devastated that her lie wasn’t good enough. I kind of loved the fact that lying wasn’t one of her specialties. I was good enough for both of us, and I wasn’t proud of that fact. “What was I supposed to tell him, Kellan? I had to come up with something.” She stared at her hands. “You know, it’s possible that you both—”
I knew where she was going with that, and cut her off. “No. It’s not possible.” I smiled when she looked up at me. I would never touch Anna. She doesn’t hold a candle to you. Remembering Griffin’s explicit tales, I frowned. “Griffin is very…specific…about what he tells people. It’s not just that he slept with her. It’s that he slept with her, and I didn’t, like he stole her away from me or something. He’s got this weird competitive thing—”
“I’ve noticed that,” she said, her lips twisting in disgust. Sighing, she laid her head back on the seat. “God, I didn’t even think about that.”
My sigh matched hers. Damn Griffin. “I can’t guarantee you anything, but I could try talking to Griffin. Maybe get him to alter the story. I’ll probably have to threaten to kick him out of the band. Actually, I may just do that anyway.”
“No!” she yelled. Glancing at the door fearfully, she slapped a hand over her mouth.
I bunched my brows, confused. Why did she care if I kicked Griffin out? “You want me to keep him in the band?”
Dropping her hand, she gave me a faint, amused smile, then she frowned. “No, I don’t want him to know—ever! He won’t stay silent about that. He’d tell everyone, in horrifying detail. He’d tell Denny! Please, don’t ever—”
She was really starting to freak out. In an attempt to calm her, I put my hands on her shoulders. “Okay. It’s okay. I won’t tell him anything, Kiera.” When she let out a sigh of relief, I added, “It wouldn’t matter anyway. He’s told too many people already.” Hating that this was hurting her, that this was going to hurt Denny, I brushed a lock of hair behind her ear. “I’m sorry, but Denny will find out that you lied to him…and then he’ll start to wonder why.”
She gazed up at me, like I was her saving grace. Like I had all the answers. I wished I did. “And then what? After he knows I lied, how long do you think we have?”
“How long before Denny figures out that we’ve slept together?” That was the question of the day, wasn’t it? Interlacing our fingers again, I rested against the seat. “Well, if you stay out here with me all night, he’ll probably have it figured out by morning.” With a laugh, I rested my cheek on her head. I felt her relaxing against me, and knew my brief moment of humor had calmed her down some. Although, there was a lot of truth in my statement. We needed to go inside soon.
When the levity passed, I told her, “I don’t know, Kiera. A few hours, maybe? A couple of days at the most.”
That alarmed her. Pulling back, she sputtered, “Hours? But…he has no real proof. He couldn’t possibly think…”
Her eyes were gorgeous in the moonlight—a deep, dark green surrounded by flecks of golden brown. They glistened in her fear, but behind the anxiety, I saw affection. A deeply rooted affinity…for me. It spoke volumes without saying a word. Releasing her hand, I ran the back of my finger down her cheek. “He has all the proof he needs, right here.” The eyes don’t lie, and yours say you love me.
“What do we do, Kellan?”
She peeked up at the house, like she was afraid Denny would hear my answer. Maybe he should. Maybe we should walk in there, hand in hand, wake him up…and tell him that the life he once knew was over. That we’d both betrayed him. My heart seized at just the thought of confronting him. A voice from the past drifted to me, along with a memory—Denny, his lip cut, swollen and bloody, courtesy of my father; a split lip that had been meant for me. Denny’s hand on my shoulder while I shook with trepidation, afraid of how my father was going to retaliate for someone saving me. Denny hadn’t been scared. Not one little bit. I’m here for you, Kellan. I’ll always be here for you. And this is how I repaid him for his sacrifice? Crushing his relationship to irreparable pieces? No…I couldn’t face him. I’d rather run…
“I can start the car, and we can be in Oregon before the sun comes up.” I was such a coward.
I could almost see her contemplating it as I stared into her eyes—the two of us running into the sunset, fleeing from our problems, never looking back at the destruction we were leaving in our wake. As we gazed at each other, her breath started getting faster and shorter. Before long, she was nearly wheezing, and she started hunching over like she was going to be sick. She couldn’t do it, she couldn’t leave him. She wouldn’t ever leave him. I was living in a fantasy…but it was so nice here…I wasn’t ready to leave either.
I stroked her hair to soothe her. “Hey. Breathe, Kiera, it’s okay…Breathe.” Cupping her cheek, I tried to get her to focus on what was happening now, tried to get her to let go of whatever vision was rolling around her head. “Look at me. Breathe.”
Her eyes locked onto mine, and her breathing slowed and deepened. Tears fell off her jaw as she shook it back and forth. “Not like that. He’s too much a part of me. I need time. I can’t talk about this yet.”
Her reaction to just the thought of leaving him solidified the truth for me and dissolved the illusion I’d been holding on to. She cared for me, loved me even, but she wouldn’t leave him. She couldn’t. I knew she wasn’t ready to think about making a choice yet, but I also knew that when she made her choice…it wouldn’t be me.
I nodded, but I felt the fragile hold on “us” slipping. I felt time ticking faster. I won’t have long with her. Maybe seeing my conclusion on my face, Kiera whispered, “I’m so sorry, Kellan.”
I tried to smile, even though it hurt. “Don’t be…Don’t be sorry for loving someone.” Pulling her in tight, I kissed her head. As chilly reality settled around me, I knew what I had to do. I’d started this; I had to be the one to end it. I was the only one who could. And I should do it soon, before Denny pieced this horrible puzzle together, before our secret was laid bare. And the only way to stop Denny from digging until he found the truth was to take away the need for him to dig at all. Remove the source of the suspicion, that was what I had to do.
“Don’t worry, Kiera. I’ll think of something. I’ll fix this, I promise.”
Before he finds out, I’ll go, and this time I’ll leave for good. Like I said before, we won’t hurt him unnecessarily. He’ll never know what happened here. This secret will die with us. I’ll spare him the pain, and I’ll spare you too. I’ll carry it all. I’m used to that.