Lowering the top of my suitcase, I quickly zip it shut, and slide it off my bed until it hits the floor with a thud, then lug it in front of my closet. After setting it down, I find myself surprised at the feeling of nervous excitement thrumming through my stomach.
“You packed and ready?” Quinn asks from behind me.
“Yeah, I think so. You?”
“Yep!” A pink (of course) suitcase slides its way right next to mine. I can’t help but grin. The girl loves her pink.
I turn to face her, the smile still present on my face. “Good.”
Suddenly my phone buzzes, causing me to jump slightly before I pull it out of my jacket. After reading the message, I quickly stuff it back in my pocket before sharing the news. “Kaeleb’s on his way up.”
Quinn laughs. “That boy never has any trouble breaking into the girls’ dorm, does he?”
“Except that one time.” I giggle. “Remember? When he got caught in Amanda’s room? I’ve never seen him move so fast in my life.”
Quinn’s eyes light up at the memory. “Well, the fact that he was only wearing those ridiculous Hulk boxers helped with the speed factor, I’m sure.”
“Idiot.” I shake my head as I watch her head into the bathroom. Kaeleb’s made no secret about his reasoning behind the Hulk boxers, offering the implication that there’s something superhuman hidden inside them that grows exponentially with strength and larger when stimulated. Ridiculous doesn’t even come close to describing it—or his delusions.
A knock at the door thankfully saves me from all thoughts of Kaeleb’s, um, superpowers.
Snapping out of it, I head over and open the door. Kaeleb’s eyes are bright with excitement as he enters the room, shaking the snow from his unkempt, yet still extremely sexy hair before sliding out of his bomber jacket and throwing it onto my desk chair.
A mischievous smile plays on his lips when he turns to face me, and he appraises my appearance from head to toe before whispering in my ear, “I like the hair. And the eyes. Brown suits you.”
My heart picks up, racing steadily as his cheek brushes against mine. “Next thing you know, I’ll be seeing you in something other than your standard Doc/Dickie/Concert Tee uniform. I’m looking very forward to that.”
Idiot.
My eyes roll into the back of my head as I push him away, his silent laughter only succeeding to make me more annoyed. “Save the wooing for Trixie.”
His eyebrows shoot up and the smile on his face broadens. “Tracie?”
“Whatever,” I scoff. “Does it really matter? I’m sure there will be another unfortunate victim falling for your pathetic pick-up lines by next week. I stopped trying to remember their names months ago.” I make sure to throw in an evil glare to further drive my point.
“Hmmm, interesting.” He chuckles, rubbing his hand along his jaw. “I wouldn’t have pegged you for the jealous type.”
“You won’t be pegging me at all. Ever.”
Kaeleb throws his head back in laughter before once again lowering his eyes and locking them onto mine.
After inching his face even closer, his breaths hit my mouth as his widened smile falls into an arrogant grin. “Never say never, Sunshine.”
I narrow my eyes even more, but feel my annoyance start to crack. I don’t know how he does it, but it’s impossible to stay angry at the man. Within a matter of seconds he manages to simultaneously infuriate me, challenge me and humor me as I fight back the laughter. The scary thing is that, over the last couple of months, I find myself enjoying it. Craving it actually, but of course, I don’t tell him that. I just knock him in the shoulder.
“Can we stay on track here?” I growl under my breath as Quinn makes her way out of the bathroom. She eyes our closeness with curiosity, which is the exact reason we’re having this meeting.
Kaeleb and I have decided that it is finally time to tell Quinn the full story behind our relationship. After my last meeting with Palmer, I decided that it wasn’t fair to keep her in the dark any longer. So we’ve decided to enlighten her. Together.
But now with the decision coming to fruition, my throat becomes parched and thick, and the previous excitement transforms into anxiety as unease churns in the pit of my stomach. There’s an obvious tension-filled shift in the room, which I’m sure is completely my fault because as I look at Kaeleb, still grinning, and then to Quinn, still surveying the both of us, I realize mine is the only mood that has drastically changed. A warm hand soon envelops mine and gives it a light squeeze. I guess Kaeleb senses it too. Quinn’s eyes widen, brimming with unspoken excitement at the sight of his gesture.
And with that, I decide it’s time to just get this over with.
“Um, yeah,” I sputter. “There’s…uh…something we need to tell you, Quinn.”
Kaeleb starts whistling “You are my Sunshine” next to me and I elbow him in the ribs. He grunts, but covers it with laughter before I motion for Quinn to take a seat on her bed. Shooting him a sideways glare, he nods and wipes his face clear of his amusement. He jerks his head in Quinn’s direction and I release his hand before heading to my own bed, taking a seat across from her. Kaeleb grabs Quinn’s desk chair and spins it around. The back faces us as he straddles it, and his elbows point downward as he curls his fingers over the top. After setting his chin on his knuckles, he sits calmly, waiting for the event to unfold.
Clearing my throat, I turn my attention back to Quinn, whose green eyes are even wider now as she gasps and covers her mouth. “You guys are dating, aren’t you?”
Kaeleb snickers, but I keep my eyes on Quinn. “No, we’re not dating.” She drops her hands as her mouth curves toward the floor. “But,” I add and watch as her eyes light back up, “We do have a relationship of sorts.” I quickly raise my hand and point to her before she gets the wrong idea. “Don’t get too excited, it’s nothing really.”
“Damn, Bree. That hurts.” Kaeleb clutches his chest and I roll my eyes.
“Bree? Who’s Bree?” Quinn asks. I tighten a glare at Kaeleb, who’s given up on the whole not smiling thing, before turning back to Quinn.
I give her a shy grin as I shrug my shoulders. “Me. My name is Aubrey. Not Raven.” The statement alone shocks my system. Although I’m working through it, the mention of the name Aubrey from my own lips still sends a startling blow throughout my body. But as Palmer said, I guess that’s part of the process.
“What?” Her expression morphs slowly from excitement, to uncertainty, to realization, before finally landing on disappointment. “Why didn’t you tell me? I asked you months ago about your name. Did you not…trust me?” Hurt spools off of her and slams into my chest, prompting me to rise from my seat and settle next to her.
Shaking my head, I say, “No. Nothing like that, Quinn. I trust you implicitly, which is why I am able to tell you this now. At the time, I wasn’t able to discuss certain aspects about my past, but over the last couple of months, I’ve been learning how to handle it. As soon as I realized I was ready, I told Kaeleb it was time to tell you.”
I take her hand into mine. “No secrets between us. Any of us, anymore. I promise.” Kaeleb nods and Quinn’s face softens.
Looking down at our hands, she squeezes mine back softly before stating, “Okay, I believe you.” Her eyes move to meet mine. “Now spill.”
I begin by telling her about knowing Kaeleb as a child and how I was forced to leave after the death of my parents, never thinking I would see him again. I speak freely, for the first time, about the creation of Raven and the death of Aubrey. Kaeleb takes over and explains how he knew that it was me the first night we met right up until my unconscious exit from the Elements of Trust class. I end the discussion with an explanation about my meetings with Palmer and our non-therapy sessions, bringing her into the present. When we’re done, she looks at both of us, first Kaeleb and then me, with tears in her eyes.
Then, she breaks into an enormous smile. “You guys are gonna get married! I just know it!”
Stunned, I drop her hand and Kaeleb falls forward from his balancing act, sending the front legs of the chair crashing to the floor.
“Quinn, no, we’re just friends. That’s all,” I warn, tearing my eyes away from Kaeleb. I’m kind of insulted actually by the melodramatic display.
My eyebrows crease my forehead with the thought, but I decide to let that go for now because I know that dreamy, love-struck look on Quinn’s face. I see it every time Josh picks her up for a date. My dear friend is and always will be a true romantic at heart, but this? Well, this is definitely not that.
But she’s relentless once she gets something in her head. “If you say so,” she sings, her full grin still in effect.
Kaeleb barks a laugh and I shoot him another dirty look. Is it really that ludicrous of a notion? And didn’t he just proposition me like two seconds ago?
Idiot.
Quinn’s smile fades. “Seriously, thank you for trusting me with that...Aubrey.” The tone in her voice is uncertain as she speaks the name, but before I can give it too much thought, she rises and walks past Kaeleb, not stopping until she’s in front of her desk. We both watch her as she stands there, deliberating for some time before glancing over her shoulder. “Since there are no more secrets, I would like to share something with you as well.”
My heart thuds because I know what she’s doing before she even opens the drawer. I glance at Kaeleb, who’s eyeing her with interest as she turns with the envelope in her hand, and he continues to do so until she dumps the photos on the bed.
It’s Kaeleb who stands next. The legs of the chair screech along the floor as he pushes it aside and braves his way to the edge of her pink comforter. His jaw clenches tightly as he reaches forward and spreads the pictures across the bed, his fingers trembling. “Quinn…” he breathes.
I raise my head and watch as her chin begins to quiver. She wipes a tear from her eye just as Kaeleb puts his arm around her shoulder and pulls her into his frame. He sets his chin on her head and she circles her arms around his waist before she speaks.
“My parents sent me to fat camp five summers in a row, starting when I was in fourth grade. Being overweight is unacceptable in my house.” I swallow the lump in my throat when another tear falls down her cheek. “After the final summer, when I was able to finally lose the weight, my mother started putting me in pageants to make sure I stayed that way. She was always monitoring my calorie intake, making me get up an hour early to run. I started taking diuretics and laxatives, anything I could do to get the food out of my system.”
She tears her gaze from the photos to look at me. “I hate the girl in those pictures. But no matter how hard I try, she’s still there, in the mirror looking back at me or squatting inside my head. Taunting me. Whispering.” She breathes in deeply. “Size zero or size sixteen, she’s always there.”
Kaeleb squeezes her tighter and she buries her head in his chest. “I hate her.”
My heart breaks for her because I know that hate. It’s possible that a hatred so strong and so tangible will eventually take over her life, and there will be nothing I can do to help her. Except…
“Palmer. Why don’t you talk to Palmer? I mean, it’s just a thought,” I offer. Resting her cheek against Kaeleb, she gives me a weak smile in return. “Maybe.”
I release a defeated exhale because the look in her eyes tells me she won’t be calling on Palmer anytime soon.
Kaeleb picks up on her hesitation as well. “Quinn, you should give it a try. I mean, look at Aubrey. She could pass for almost normal now. Evidently he’s a miracle worker.”
Quinn laughs and Kaeleb just smiles, pleased with her reaction. I let his snarky comment slide, because I figure that’s what he was going for.
After wiping her face, she releases him and steps away, giggling. “True.”
My mouth pinches and I cross my arms, sending them into further laughter.
Once their antics die down, Kaeleb inhales deeply. “Well, since we’re under the sharing tree, I guess it’s my turn.”
Stunned, Quinn and I look at each other before directing our stares at him. “Don’t look so surprised, ladies,” he chuckles before locking eyes with me. “There’s an actual reason that I’m in the Elements of Trust course with you, Bree.”
The corners of my mouth fall, the idea of him having any problems coming as a complete shock to me. He maintains my stare, but the look on his face is no longer one of his usual lightheartedness, but that of pure heartache.
He dips his head and peers at me from under his dark lashes. “I lost my own parents when I was fifteen.” Blood rushes my face and my heart hammers once his admission crosses his lips. Kaeleb lifts his hand to pause my reaction. “But not how you’re thinking.”
He barely speaks above a whisper as he continues. “My sister was a really good swimmer. Very competitive. At only thirteen years old, her times rivaled some of the high school girls’, and some even called her a swimming prodigy.” A breath catches in my throat. His sister. I can’t believe I’d forgotten about Katie. She was the same age as Adley.
His hand raises and he covers his face, his fingers and thumb digging into his eyes to clear the moisture falling from them. His chin continues to tremble long after he drops his hand. “But she was never good enough, you know? My parents constantly pushed her. They made her practice after hours, swimming endlessly day in and day out. Every lap in the pool had to be faster than the last.”
Quinn continues to stare, but his bloodshot eyes remain on me. “I tried to get them to ease up, you know? Because what they were doing was killing her. Mentally, physically, emotionally...”
My lips begin to quiver with the feebleness in his tone as he continues. “I fought them, I screamed at them, I warned them, until they finally ended up kicking me out of their house. Sent me to live with my grandparents and never looked back.”
His eyes break to the floor only to meet mine again before adding, “She had a complete mental breakdown one year later. Had to be hospitalized.”
A gasp escapes me, and I cover my mouth with quaking fingers as he simply shrugs his shoulders. “It was about six months before she was released. She stayed with me and my grandparents for a while after that, but eventually moved back in with my parents. I, however, haven’t spoken to them since.”
He looks back to Quinn. “So I understand never being accepted by your parents and never being good enough. I f*cking watched it happen. Right in front of me. To me.”
His voice builds in volume and then his eyes once again meet mine, his face flushed with anger. I can tell by his clenched fists that he’s trying to maintain his control, but it’s useless. “I was her big brother for Christ’s sake and I couldn’t do shit for her!” His arms fly into the air and Quinn breaks into sobs.
Kaeleb leashes his sorrow, collecting himself before continuing. “Some would say that I really haven’t dealt with that anger. That I haven’t forgiven myself for leaving her with them. Some might even say that I use women to help alleviate some of that guilt, to take some of that pain away and forget, even if it’s only for a night. But regardless of what I do, it always remains.”
I nod because I know this pain. We all do. And in this moment we become forever bonded by it.
Quinn steps back into his embrace, as I rise. I walk over to where they stand and wrap my arms around the both of them. We hold onto one another closely, silently reflecting on our own sordid pasts. Each of us lost in our own darkness, trying to find our way to a lighter place.
We stay like that for a long while, until sniffles subside and breathing returns to normal.
Kaeleb eventually clears his throat. “Well, I guess sharing time is over?”
Quinn and I give each other a small smile before releasing our hold, breaking our circle. As we step away, I dry my face while Kaeleb and Quinn do the same.
Once we’re composed, I look over at Kaeleb who’s slinging his jacket over his shoulder, obviously very done with sharing time. “Kaeleb?”
“Hmmm?” he hums.
“Um, you might want to talk to Palmer. You know, before your dick falls off.” Quinn snorts from behind me and I can’t help but grin.
He returns my smile and adds a wink. “Sunshine, I always protect the Hulk. No need to worry about that.” Shaking my head, I watch him as he strides to our door. Just as his fingers touch the knob, he turns and with solemn eyes offers, “You’d be the exception, you know. With you, it would be real, not an escape.”
I continue to eye him, struck silent by his words as he pivots back around and leaves the room, quietly shutting the door behind him.
Slowly, I turn back to Quinn, who is wearing a huge grin of her own.
“See?” She giggles. “You two are totally getting married!”
Sigh.
My poor, dear friend.
Quinn bounces away, skipping happily as she heads into the bathroom. Once the door shuts behind her, I make my way over to the bed and sit on the very edge. As I wait for Linda, a new excitement building in my body.
Maybe it’s the fact that I’m about to finally see her after months of not realizing how much I’ve missed her.
Maybe it’s the moment I just shared with my two best friends, a moment that I know has officially solidified our three-way bond into a lifelong promise.
Or maybe, just maybe, it’s the fact the Kaeleb’s parting words have ignited something in me that I never knew existed. Or wanted.
Regardless, I know that my life has forever been altered, and for the first time in ten years, I’ve finally found my way onto a new path.
One that isn’t completely saturated with darkness and fear, but dimly lit with newfound courage and optimism.
And as I cautiously take that first step, a splinter of hope ignites in my heart.