“Bwee! Bwee!” My four-year-old baby sister Adley yells from across the house. “I’m cold!”
Even though I’m only two years older than she is, I can do a lot of things that she can’t. So as I step toward the bathroom, I already know what she wants. Peeking my head inside, I watch her for a couple of minutes, her chubby body floppin’ around the bathtub like a fish when it’s out of water. With golden ringlets just like mine sticking to her face, she giggles when she sees me before pulling them away from her eyes. She really hates that.
I can’t help but smile at her. I love her so much.
“Bwee, can you turn on the hot watah? It’s cold,” she asks. Her light blue eyes beg me, causing crinkles to form on her forehead. I glance over my shoulder to look for Mommy, but I don’t see her anywhere.
“Sure,” I answer and shrug my shoulders.
The tile on the floor is cold under my feet as I walk to the bathtub and turn the knob with the letter “H” until the water flows. We just practiced writing “H” last week in school. I’m really good at that one.
Holding my fingers under the water, I shoo her back with my other hand. Once it’s run a little bit, I turn the knob until the flow stops. Hot drops fall and I watch them closely until there are no more, making sure she doesn’t burn herself.
Adley stands up, turning and placing her bare behind on the back edge of the tub, her eyes filled with excitement as she leans back and lets herself go. Water splashes over the side and onto the floor as she flies down her homemade slide.
“Adley, you know what Mommy said. Don’t do that or you’re gonna hit your head on the bottom.” She just giggles and turns over and over in the water, her toys floating as they ride the waves all around her.
She’s gonna get in trouble…again. But Mommy and Daddy won’t stay mad. She usually just does something really cute and then they laugh, forgetting why they were mad at her in the first place. She’s so lucky.
Shaking my head, I leave the bathroom and her giggles behind. Mommy is in the living room on the phone, so I go to my room to play. This is the only time I don’t have to share my toys with her and I plan on using every minute.
I pull out my favorite Barbie, the one I hid from Adley last week. Just as I take off her shiny pink dress, I hear Mommy scream. I’ve heard her scream before when she sees a spider or when she trips over one of our toys, but this…this was a different kind of scream.
Dropping the doll to the floor, I hop up and yank my door open, running down the hall as fast as my feet can go. The sound of Mommy and Daddy yelling stops my legs from moving as I pass by the bathroom and my feet slide across the wood floor, almost coming out from underneath me as I skid to a stop.
The door is barely cracked, so I press my face against the side and look through the opening. I watch Mommy running around the bathroom while Daddy pushes on Adley’s chest. He pinches her nose and then blows into her mouth, but nothing happens. Her cheeks puff out and I can’t help but think how much it reminds me of one of those fish that blow up like a balloon.
Blood is on the floor under her head, the red so bright against the white tiles I can’t stop staring. Suddenly the door flies open wide, scaring me, and Mommy hits my shoulder as she runs out, but she doesn’t say anything. She’s crying as she runs to the phone on the couch. After she grabs it, I listen to her screaming and the fear in her voice gives me goose bumps.
“She hit her head…Water…Not breathing…”
I’m so scared. So scared, but I have to help. I’m a big girl. She needs me.
The fog in the air makes it hard to breathe, but I step into the bathroom anyway. My feet slowly make their way to Adley, her naked body jiggling around while Daddy keeps pushing on her chest and blowing air into her mouth. Mommy’s voice is still loud in the background, but I can’t really focus on anything other than Adley’s pretty pink toenails that I just painted last night.
Daddy stops and looks at me over his shoulder. His face is red and wet with his tears as he says, “My baby’s gone…my baby’s gone.”
He no longer pushes on her chest, but scoops her into his arms and pulls her tightly against him as he cries and screams. Adley’s arms hang down and her hands drag across the tile as Daddy rocks her back and forth, brushing through her hair with his fingers like he always does. After one time through, his fingers are coated in blood.
My baby is gone.
My legs lose their strength and I fall to my knees as Daddy keeps crying and Mommy continues yelling in the living room.
I can’t breathe.
After a while, all the noise disappears. I don’t hear anything else as my eyes lock onto Adley’s, whose chin is resting on Daddy’s shoulder, her head moving back and forth with him as he rocks.
Her blue eyes aren’t alive and happy anymore.
They’re dead.
She’s dead.
Daddy stops. He looks back through the door and then lets Adley’s body go, placing his hand flat on her chest as he lays her on the floor. Her blonde hair is streaked with red and her lips are blue.
My throat is tight as I watch Daddy cover her with a towel before he goes, leaving me alone with her. I try to stand, but I can’t, so I just crawl across the floor to my sister, my hands sliding on the wet tiles as I pull my heavy legs behind me.
Using my shaking fingers, I remove the wet pieces of hair from her face.
She really hates that.
Once the hair is gone and I can see her eyes, I finally let myself cry. I cry as I lean over and kiss her forehead. I cry as I kiss her on the cheek. I cry as I give her the last hug I will ever give her. I cry as I pick up her tiny hand, bringing it to my mouth before holding it in mine. I cry as I lay my head on her quiet chest. I cry as I focus on her chubby toes. I cry as I curl my arm around her waist and squeeze her as tightly as I can.
“I’m so sorry, Adley,” I whisper through my tears. “I’m so sorry I didn’t share my toys with you. I’m so sorry I didn’t play with you more. I’m so sorry I always called you a baby. I’m so sorry for telling Mommy that you were the one that drew on the wall.”
The words get stuck in my throat, but I swallow and keep on talking just in case she can hear me. I need her to hear me. “I’m so, so sorry I didn’t tell you how much I love you every single day. Because I do. I love you so much.”
The lump in my throat swells so big it feels like I swallowed a rock, but I keep speaking even though it hurts. I have to.
“But most of all, I’m sorry I didn’t watch you in the bathtub. I’m sorry I turned the water on and made it too deep. I’m sorry I didn’t make you stop sliding like Mommy said.” I hug her tighter. “If it weren’t for me, you’d still be here.”
My body shakes against hers as I continue to cry.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry…”
I hold her and whisper to her until Mommy and Daddy rush into the bathroom with a bunch of people following them. Before I know it, I’m yanked off my sister into my daddy’s arms. I watch as the men do the same thing that Daddy was doing earlier, but I know it won’t work.
Adley is gone.
And it’s all my fault.
I’m still surrounded by darkness as my body shoots up, gasping for air. I clutch my chest, trying to get air into my lungs, but it feels as though a four-hundred pound gorilla has been camped there for about a year.
“Aubrey?” The sound of a deep voice reverberates in my mind, barely filtering through the dimness that drowns it.
I can’t breathe.
My body quakes everywhere as the memory of the loss of my sister still lingers. Ice has replaced the blood in my veins. I’m so cold.
“Aubrey. I’m here.” The voice is stronger now. I can hear it more clearly.
Bwee! Bwee!
“Adley!” An unrecognizable shrill fills the air with my screams. “Adley, I’m so sorry!” The pain in my chest tightens with the memory of her lying there on the floor, lifeless. With my eyes closed tightly, I cover them with my hands as I cry, knowing that I’m trapped somewhere between the past and the present. My head shakes back and forth as I try to clear my mind and find my way. It’s so dark here.
A blanket encompasses my body as two strong hands grab tightly onto my shoulders and pulls me into two even stronger arms. “Shhhh…shhhh...I’m here, sweetheart,” the voice coos. “You’ve got to breathe, babe, or you’re going to pass out again.”
Eyes still cemented shut, I force an inhale and a soothing scent washes over me, instantly replacing the bitter coldness with the warmth of familiarity.
Kaeleb.
Through the blanket, I fist his stupid hoodie and pull him as close to me as I can. The heat from his hand sifts through my hair as I hold onto him tightly, breathing him in until my chest expands and the pressure finally releases. And just like with Quinn, in this moment another tiny fracture splits open and the warmth that surrounds me seeps into my cold heart, reigniting the space that he had claimed so many years ago.
“I miss her so much, Kaeleb,” I mumble into his chest, finally finding my way back into the present. I watch from afar as the door closes, shutting the past away, but not the pain. It’s still very much here and alive within me. “It hurts.”
“I know it does.” Sobs escape me and his arms tighten around my body. “Let it out, Bree. You have to. You need to.”
Unable to fight the memory of the loss of my sister any longer, I’m given no choice other than to let the emotions flow. Each replay that flashes in my mind of her lying there on the cold floor shreds my chest to pieces. The pain is agonizing.
I cry my way through, until the memory finally recedes and there are no tears left to cry, and even after that my body still shakes with silent sobs as Kaeleb continues to hold me the entire time.
By the time I’m completely done with my release, I’m sitting in Kaeleb’s lap with his arms still around me and his chin upon my head. With my cheek lying against his chest, I listen as the rhythmic beating of his heart draws me dangerously close to sleep.
Through the slits in my eyes, it becomes obvious to me that I’ve have been taken to an office of sorts. I’m assuming it’s an office, based on the diplomas and certificates hanging on the wall in front of me, but I haven’t read them. I’ve been focusing on the cracks in the leather of the couch we’ve been sitting on for God only knows how long with a blanket wrapped around me, offering a small comfort within its warmth.
After a while, I let out a long exhale.
“Do you remember her?” I probe, my voice thick.
“Hmmm?” Kaeleb’s chest vibrates against my cheek.
“Adley. Do you remember her?”
My head rises with his deep breath. “I do.”
Finding security as I twist the fringe of the blanket around my index finger, I ask, “Do you remember me?”
His answer is instantaneous. “How could I ever forget you?”
My breath stills with the candor of his statement and guilt floods my being, all too aware of how I willingly banned him from my memories long ago.
“When did you know?”
Another inhale. “The first night I saw you in the dorm.”
I run through our interactions since that night and immediately want to smack my forehead for being so oblivious. His constant emphasis on the name Raven, the fact that he never once asked me about my family or my past, the stupid skating accident where he took many dishonest liberties while recounting—every one of them so obvious now.
“Why didn’t you just tell me? I feel so stupid.”
The leather creaks under Kaeleb’s weight as he shifts underneath me, pressing me away from his chest and curling his fingers over my shoulders. His thumbs dig into my flesh, and his eyes are firm when they lock onto mine. “I couldn’t just tell you.”
He clenches his jaw tightly and shakes his head. “Jesus, Bree…I had to keep it to myself until I felt you could handle it. Handle me. And you still passed out even though it’s been months now. Could you imagine if I’d said something to you that first night, without giving you time to know me again?”
Point taken.
“I dropped little hints here and there, but when you didn’t catch on, I started making them more obvious hoping you would figure it out on your own. But you didn’t. Or wouldn’t. So I decided to just tell you. I couldn’t keep it inside any longer. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us.”
I nod slightly, accepting his answer. How can I not? He’s absolutely right.
“I knew,” I respond through a ragged breath. “When you saw the scar, I knew. Deep down. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself, I think. It was too much. It’s still too much, actually.”
Kaeleb releases one of my shoulders and runs his hand over my hair while giving me a soft smile. “Hey…you survived my telling you. That’s a start.” He lifts his hand to graze my cheek with his knuckle and after a deep inhale, he adds, “God, I’ve missed you. So much.”
His arms are once again around me as he pulls me back in for an embrace. Hesitantly, I settle my cheek on his shoulder, the whole encounter this morning running through my mind. As I mentally recall his actions, his words, a couple of statements jump out at me.
“Did you call me sweetheart?”
Kaeleb’s shoulders bob with silent laughter. “I did.”
“And babe?”
“As I recall.”
This time it’s me who pushes away to get a better view of his face. My left eyebrow rises. “Why would you do that?” He continues laughing. “Seriously, Kaeleb. I’m not one of your harem. Don’t expect me to follow you around, fanning you with feathers just because you called me some patronizing terms of endearment.”
“Okaaaaay,” he relents, tapping his finger against his chin in thought. “I’m assuming gorgeous is off the table?”
I cock my head and give him a deadpan expression, which results in more of his obnoxious laughter until his lips finally settle into a thoughtful smile. “What if I call you Sunshine? It’s not demeaning in the least. And I’ll go ahead and keep that one specifically reserved for you, since, you know, you’re not part of my harem and all.” His eyes tighten a fraction when he adds, “I’m officially offended by the way.”
My head jerks a little at his suggestion. Sunshine? I’m anything but a warm ray of sunshine. I’m dark, dreary, morbid. Definitely not sunshine material.
As though reading my mind, Kaeleb offers, “You’ve always been my sunshine. Ever since we were kids.” He tightens his gaze. “I know you’re still in there, Bree. And I will find you.”
Just as the intensity of the moment peaks, he offers me a crooked smile. “You are gorgeous by the way.” His grin widens as he raises his hand, his thumb brushing lightly across the tiny skull pierced into my dimple. “Even though you jacked up your face with all those piercings and dyed the shit out of your hair. Don’t even get me started on the contacts.”
I narrow my eyes, but I can’t fight the smile that breaks across my face as I punch him in the shoulder, his infectious laughter filling the room.
Sigh.
I’ve missed you too, Kaeleb.