“I know you’re very attached to Jess. And he’s um… important to you. I’m not your mother, but you can talk to me about it.”
I panicked. The feeling came like an explosion from my stomach and spread to the rest of my body. This scenario failed to cross my mind before my father’s pointed questions. He just asked what every person would speculate at school. If they didn’t immediately jump to that conclusion; the sniveling gossips would tell them it was the truth. The lies would fill the hallways. Everyone would think I attached Ashley because of my insane jealousy over Jess. Shit! Shit! Shit!
“Alex?”
“This has nothing to do with him!”
“Don’t get that tone, Alex. I just don’t know what to think. I’m trying to understand why, but you aren’t giving me any explanation.”
“She’s just a bad person,” I muttered, trying to keep my voice steady.
“There’s not enough bad in her that would justify you doing something like this. I don’t know what to say. Did I not do something you needed? I know it’s hard just having me. I let you run wild on the ranch with that boy. I’m not saying he’s a bad boy, but it made you little tougher than others. It’s not an excuse though. Girls don’t beat up other girls in restaurants. Do you understand?”
“Yes, sir,” I muttered.
I tuned out the rest of the car ride as my father droned on and on. He seemed to ignore the wounds across my own body from the fight. My stomach hurt. I didn’t want to go to school tomorrow. The whispers would circle around every corner.
Later that evening, Jess slammed through the door without even knocking. I sat on the living room couch, trying to put an ice pack on my eye and lip at the same time with my swollen right hand.
“What the hell were you thinkin’!”
“I’m not doing this right now. Go home. I’m grounded anyway,” I said, muffled under the ice pack. The cold stung against my lip.
“Alex, you broke her damn nose!” His hands flung around with every angry word.
“I figured,” I muttered. “Why are you here and not at her house?”
“Because we’re no longer together!”
“I don’t understand?” I said, taking the ice pack down.
“How could I continue to date someone who treated you this way for months, Alex?”
“How do you know what happened?”
“How do you think? Natalie called me and decided I should know ‘bout Ashley since you were never gonna tell me. I could just…” I watched his fingers clench into a fist and then release. He paced around for a second and then sank down on the couch next to me.
“I just don’t get it. Why didn’t you tell me? I even asked you,” Jess said, looking directly at me with his stormy eyes. “If you’d just told me, I’d taken care of it without you goin’ all fight club at Jeeter’s.”
“I don’t need you to fix things for me!” I spat, feeling the anger burn.
“Alex, it’s not fixin’ things, if it stops you from beatin’ the shit out of someone, or you gettin’ hurt. It should’ve never happened. You should’ve told me. You just let me date her while she was tormentin’ you.”
Jess leaned back against the couch cushion, staring at the ceiling. He let out a deep breath. His lungs pulled in air; over and over again, making the couch shake. In all these years, I’d never seen this boy so angry. After a few minutes, his body seemed to relax. Jess turned to look at me; his blue eyes filled with concern.
“You don’t really believe what Ashley said, do you?”
My eyes flittered up and then back down. “No, I just…” I took a deep breath. “I don’t know what to say.” The words left me. It was the same reason I had never said anything to begin with to Jess. “You don’t understand. I know you try but it didn’t happen to you.”
“What don’t I understand?” he said back, softly.
“Moving here, living here. All of it,” I muttered through my swollen lip.
“I’m glad you moved here. I wish it was under different circumstances, but I’m glad you came. It’s not somethin’ you should ever doubt.”
“You’re not ever embarrassed? Always having me around and people knowing why?” I kept a steady gaze on the carpet. It was too difficult to watch his expression.
“Al, you were dealt a bad hand. I wasn’t. It’s not somethin’ either of us could control. But you and I bein’ friends? We chose it. At least I did, and it wasn’t because you lived in one of our houses on the ranch. I know my parents have done things for ya’ll. But honestly, I don’t even think about it.”
I pondered his words around for a moment. My life consisted of taking handouts from the Masons. At one point, my very existence depended on what they were willing to give us. I had a secret, time-consuming habit of focusing on a list I planned to pay back in the future. Jess on the other hand, never even thought about why I was here.
I was right. He didn’t comprehend the magnitude of Ashley’s words, or the circumstances that defined me. It wasn’t his fault. Like Jess said, I was dealt a bad hand and life had been pretty much perfect for him.
“I’m sorry for not saying anything,” I looked at him, squinting through my bad eye. “I know it involved you, but the things she did were about me. I thought I could take care of it. I just wanted to do something on my own for a change. Do you get that?”
“I guess, but you beat her up, Alex.”
“I know,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I know.”
“I could kill you right now,” he smiled weakly, shaking his head.
“And…I’m sorry about you breaking up. I know she was your girlfriend, and you liked her. You saw the good parts of her.” I wasn’t sure she had good parts, but something made that boy date her.
“Ashley and I weren’t exactly…in a real relationship.”
“It was just sex?”
I startled him when I said it. Jess refused to look at me and stared into the blank television. I heard him mutter, “Somethin’ like that.”
I regretted saying it. My skin felt hot with embarrassment. I really didn’t want to talk about Jess having sex with Ashley any more than he wanted to discuss it. My conscious still held an unspoken obligation.
“There’s something you should know. I um…I think Ashley cheated on you. I heard Katie Rae on the camping trip.”
“Evan Wiley?”
“You knew?”
“I had a pretty good idea. She got pissed when I took you to the Rangers game. Shit, I should have ended it back then. I really wish I never hooked up with her. It was stupid.”
“Stop it. This is not your fault.”
“But it’s my fault. I knew she was a bitch, but I was just tryin’ not to…I don’t know,” his voice went deeply quiet. “This is killin’ me, Al. You matter more to me than anyone else. You know that, right?”
“I know,” I muttered, feeling the heat on my cheeks.
“It bothers me to think she did those things to you. It’s like I just let it happen. Like I let Ashley hurt you. I even tried to make you be friends with her.” He let out a deep breath and gritted his jaw. “Just promise me you won’t do somethin’ like this again. You have to tell me.”
“I…I promise,” I nodded, feeling my head get dizzy.
During the fight, I think Ashley got a good punch in somewhere around my ear. I rubbed my forehead. “I feel…like hell.”
“You look like hell. Have you seen a mirror?”
“Briefly.”
My head hurt, but I had the satisfaction of knowing Ashley was sitting this very moment with a broken nose. Everyone wanted me to feel guilty about the fight, but redemption clouded any remorse. I fumbled the ice packs trying to get them over my eye and busted lip. My knuckles didn’t move very well when I clenched them.