I felt the word brand itself on my skin. It burned hot and final.
Trevor stepped back, patting my shoulder one last time. “We should get back, yeah?”
I nodded, “Thanks for not hating me.”
He chuckled good-naturedly. “Never, Lizzy.”
He led the way back into the house. We joined the rest of the family seamlessly. There was a subdued excitement buzzing through the air. The thrill of the season was with us, but we restrained it out of respect for Grady.
Abby and Blake had the hardest time. They couldn’t help but look forward to the morning, but the painful ache for their daddy held them back.
By the time we moved to the living room for the traditional opening of grandparent presents, Abby had started shaking, struggling not to cry.
“Abs,” I whispered just loud enough for her to hear it. She looked back at me and I beckoned for her to squeeze onto the couch with me.
She jumped at the invitation. She snuggled into my side and wrapped her arms around my waist. I kissed the top of her head and stayed there a moment, breathing in her wild red curls. Her hot tears started to fall on my forearm and then she sucked in a gasping sob.
Blake had been staring intently at the tree, but as soon as Abby’s cry broke the silence, he whipped around and leapt to join us on the couch. His face was haunted with grief. I could see the battle inside of him not to cry, not to ruin this happy night. But it was no use.
Lucy joined us next, tears streaming down her freckled cheeks. Jace crawled on my lap too, making himself at home on top of the pile. His chubby little arms wrapped around my neck and squeezed tight. He didn’t mourn for Grady the same way we did. He had been too little when Grady died to remember much of his daddy. I hated that for him. I hated that he couldn’t have the memories that the rest of us did.
It was a little awkward, breaking down like this in front of my parents, my in-laws and my sister. We had a lovely dinner and even though my make-up with Trevor was emotional, it was nothing like this.
This was our grief and pain at our deepest. This was our hearts and souls scraped raw. This was desperation so intense I felt it in my bones, in the broken places of my soul. And that my children shared this grief made it so much worse.
I didn’t know how to deal with their pain. Their little bodies trembled against me and I was soaked with their tears. The worst part was that I couldn’t do anything to stop this hurt.
In that moment I would have done anything to stop the moment. I would have given up anything and everything to have Grady back with us. I would have traded places with him in a heartbeat if I could just give my children their daddy back.
“I have an idea,” I finally announced when the worst of the crying ebbed. “Before we open presents, why don’t we share something we miss about daddy? It’s hard not having him here with us, but maybe if we share our memories, it will feel like he’s not so far away.”
“That’s a lovely idea, Liz,” Katherine agreed in a soft voice. I looked up to see her face wet from her own tears. She nodded at me graciously.
“I’ll start.” I wiped at my face with the back of my hands and tried to speak words that would hurt like physical blows. “I miss how he used to come home from work with Christmas-themed baked goods or ornaments he spotted and had to buy. He always wanted to add things to our house. He started a new tradition every year. He just loved Christmas so much and he wanted the kids to experience every single thing they could. Last year, we had to give up most of them because he was so sick, so he had the kids and I bake about three hundred sugar cookies and then he took us around from room to room passing them out and giving them to nurses. I burned half of them. I was a mess last year. Not that I’m any better this year…” I wiped at my face and rubbed my nose on my sleeve. My mom stood up and handed me a tissue. “I was so mad at him. I didn’t want to think about other people. We were hurting so much, I just couldn’t take anymore. But by the end of the evening, he had made me laugh so many times that I had forgotten why we were there. He turned that horrible time into a week filled with happy memories. Memories that we will keep with us forever.”
Blake lifted his head and laughed, “Remember when that old guy made us sing to him.”
I chuckled too, thinking about the dying elderly man that had wanted a Christmas carol. “I think he regretted asking us. Your dad couldn’t carry a tune for anything.”
Lucy and Abby started giggling too, remembering the terribly off key rendition of We Wish You a Merry Christmas Grady made us perform.
“I didn’t know you did that,” my mom hiccupped.
I nodded, it was just one of many things Grady had done to make Christmas special last year. “It was the week before you came up.”
“Remember when we built that monster snow fort?” Blake sat up with excitement. His green eyes were bright from tears and memories. “It was so big! He made tunnels and it had different rooms! It took us forever, but it was so cool when we finished it.”
“It did take you forever. You guys worked on that for days. You were just a little thing, Luce. You could stand up and walk right through it.” She smiled at me, not remembering the actual fort, but loving that she was included.
“He got stuck in the door,” Abby added. “He didn’t make the hole big enough!”