“Jace found Papa’s shaving cream!” Abby shouted.
“He’s painting his room with it!” Blake shouted over her.
The race up the stairs ended all adult conversation for a long time. For the first time in my life, I was grateful for Jace’s destruction.
Chapter Fifteen
Christmas Eve I had invited Katherine and Trevor over to share the holiday with us. My mom, Emma and I had cooked an elaborate spread and Katherine had brought the desserts this time.
My parents were familiar with Grady’s family by now, so the only awkwardness that existed that night was between my in-laws and me.
Trevor and I had not talked since Thanksgiving. I suspected we both kept our distance because we were too ashamed to confront the other person.
My chest ached when I remembered how terribly I’d acted that day and how rude I had been to him. I knew the depth of my own pain; I knew how debilitating it could be. I should have had more grace for Trevor. I should never have said those things to him.
I had managed to avoid him for the last month, but now that we were face-to-face I knew I needed to apologize.
If for no other reason than Grady would have been so completely disappointed with me if he were still alive. He would not have tolerated this behavior from Trevor or from me.
“Hey, Trev, can I talk to you for a sec in the kitchen?” I asked gently after homemade cheesecake had been served.
He hesitated for a few seconds by looking everywhere but at me. Just as my nerves truly began to twist, he shrugged casually and said, “Sure.” He stood up and walked into the kitchen without looking at me.
Once we were both in the kitchen, I started looking around for a better place to talk. Everyone could hear us in here and I wanted to give us enough privacy so that we could both say what we needed to say.
I walked to the mudroom and beckoned for him to follow me.
Once we were alone in the garage, I clicked on the light and stood shivering in the cold air. Trevor shut the door, walked down the three steps and stared at my car without saying anything.
Okay, so he wasn’t going to make this easy on me. I deserved that.
I cleared my throat and gathered some courage. “Trev… Trevor, I am so sorry for what I said at Thanksgiving. I wasn’t myself and I hate that I just unloaded on you like that. I’ve been under so much stress ever since Grady. Well, you know that. I guess, I’m just… I’m heartbroken. I don’t think I’ve had a single clear thought in over a year. I was rude and hurtful and what I said was uncalled for. Please forgive me. I hate that there is this distance between us.”
He didn’t say anything for a long minute. I held my breath, waiting for him to explode at me or agree with me… or I didn’t know what. I braced myself against his retaliation though. I’d picked at his flaws and the weak point that had been magnified by Grady’s death, but I knew I had plenty of my own. He could rip me apart if he wanted to, shove all of my shortcomings in my face and remind me what a terrible mother I had been in Grady’s absence.
But he was a better person than me. Instead of doing any of that, he took a deep breath and pulled me into a tight hug.
“I get it, Liz,” he promised. “You’re right. I was… I was messing things up. And I’m sorry. It’s just that sometimes I miss him so much… you know? I don’t even know how to get out of bed some days or how I’m going to survive another day in that office. It hurts down to my bones. Losing my dad was something else, but I’ve never known anything like losing my brother.”
His words ripped and tore at my chest, puncturing my heart with the agony I heard in them. “I know, Trev. I know.” We both sniffled, desperately trying to hold ourselves together.
It wasn’t just Christmas that had left me emotionally raw and fresh with grief. I hated having anything between Trevor and me. Other than my kids, Trevor was the closest thing to Grady I had left. Sometimes that hurt more than it helped, but I knew that I wouldn’t always feel this way. One day, my grief would soften and I would be able to enjoy Trevor because he reminded me so much of my husband. I couldn’t imagine not having him as a big part of my life.
After long moments, we pulled back from each other. I felt his forgiveness slide into place between us. Most of my spirit and heart were still in complete upheaval, but with the closure of this conversation, I felt some of those important pieces return home.
“I bid on a new job,” he told me conversationally. “It’s looking pretty good too. It’s for a new strip mall near Hartford. Nice, long job with a great paycheck.”
“That’s great, Trevor! That’s really exciting.”
Trevor’s smile faded some when he said, “You know, he really did teach me everything he knew. I like to pretend that I don’t know what I’m doing because then I don’t have to think about him, think about all the time he spent grooming me to take over. But I am prepared for this, Liz. I can do this and do it well.”
“I never doubted you, Trevor. Grady believed in you and he had every right to. You’re one of the smartest men I know.”
“I’ve always felt the same way about you, Lizzy. From the first time I met you, I knew that if Grady chose you, then you were someone worth knowing.”
Hot tears pooled in my lashes and I couldn’t swallow around the lump in my throat. “He was the greatest guy. I just miss him so much.”
Trevor pulled me into another hug. “Me too. But we’re going to get through this. I know we will. We have each other. He didn’t just prepare us to run his business or raise his kids; he prepared us to go on living without him. We can’t let him down in any of it.”
I nodded against his broad chest but couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I had lashed out at Trevor for letting Grady down, but what about me? How had I been as a mother? As a grieving widow?
Failure.