“Love you too.”
I clicked off with Emma and turned back to pouring the popcorn into bags. I opened a box of Capri Suns, bought especially for family movie night and set them on the tray. A memory hit me so hard that my knees nearly buckled. I grabbed the counter for support and dropped my head.
I stood in this same place, doing this same task. Grady’s arms wrapped around my middle and he pulled me back against his hard chest. His face nuzzled in the crook of my neck and he inhaled my skin.
“Friday nights used to be date nights,” I reminded him. The kids had been overwhelming that week. Jace was just a baby and not sleeping through the night. Abby and Lucy were into everything and constantly fighting over toys. Blake hadn’t wanted to hug me that morning when I dropped him off at school. My world felt tough and exhausting, it was easy to dream about the early years with Grady-how simple they’d been.
“That’s true,” he whispered against my skin. “Now they’re family nights.”
“I need a break, Grady. I’m exhausted.”
“I’m here to help, Babe. Tonight will be easy.”
I yawned in defiance. He squeezed me tighter and pressed a hot kiss against my skin. “If you say so.”
“We’ll spend some time with the kids, put them to bed together and then I’ll spend the rest of the night helping you relax.” His gruff words vibrated over my skin and sent tingles spiraling low in my belly. I loved how he did this to me, how his voice could put me at ease and he could soften my perspective. “We’ll watch something later, just the two of us. You pick it out. I’ll rub your feet.”
“Mmm,” I moaned when his kisses trailed up my neck to taste my earlobe. “You’ve wooed me.”
His chuckle brushed his five o’clock shadow over my ear. “That’s usually the goal.”
I spun around in his arms and let him continue to woo me. We kissed long and desperately until Blake wandered in the kitchen looking for us.
“Ew!” he groaned. “That’s gross!”
Grady pulled back from me and looked at his oldest son, “Take notes, Blake. This will come in handy someday.”
I swatted his chest but laughed, unable to find my frustration from earlier. Grady wiped it clean and filled in all of my flaws with the best parts of him.
“Mom, can I have one?”
I looked up to see Blake reaching for a bowl of popcorn. The jolt from the memory of Grady and the reality of an older Blake in front of me felt like a physical shock. My chest seized in agony and my stomach flipped with heartsick nausea.
“Please?” I reminded Blake with a broken voice.
“Please,” he whispered back. Instead of grabbing the bowl of popcorn, he walked around the island and wrapped his arms around me. I kissed the top of his head and inhaled his little boy smell.
He was growing up so fast. He was taller than ever and his body had started to fill out with muscle. He wasn’t my baby anymore. While that made some part of me cry out with protest, most of me was just so proud of the young man he was becoming.
“Family movie night is hard for me too, Mom,” he sniffled into my shirt.
I blanched with new grief. I had never stopped to think about how family movie night might hurt my children. I had wanted to keep their routine and help maintain Grady’s memory. I had waded through my own heartache and forced myself to endure a night that I dreaded all week long.
And why?
So we could all be sad together?
That just didn’t seem worth it.
I pulled back so I could look Blake in the eyes. He blinked rapidly and tried to avoid my gaze. My heart shattered into a million pieces.
“Let’s do something different then.”
“What?” He finally looked up at me and the sadness started to chip away. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know, it just seems like if this movie night thing is making all of us sad, we should try something different, something that might make us happy.”
“Mom, are you coming?” Abby bounced into the kitchen with Lucy on her heels. Jace toddled in after them and hugged me too. His little arms wrapped around my leg and he looked up at me, babbling about juicy.
“I don’t know, Abs. Blake and I were just talking about changing up the Friday night line up.”
She tilted her head, “What does that mean?”
“What if instead of watching a movie tonight, we played games instead.”
“Like Candy Land?” Abby asked.
“Not Candy Land!” Blake whined.
I smiled at him again. “How about we play a couple games? You can both pick one.”
“And me too!” Lucy demanded.
“Sure, Luce. You too.”
“Me! Me! Me!” Jace joined in.
I moved the kids to the kitchen table and set them up with popcorn and juice. I ran down to the basement and pulled out some games that had sat on a shelf for too long.
An hour and a half later, we had laughed our way through Candy Land, Chutes and Ladders, UNO and Old Maid.
The night hadn’t been easy. Jace had been a handful and destroyed more than one of our attempts at playing. Abby had plenty of attitude to throw around and wasn’t always satisfied with the outcome of the game. Okay, honestly, she was a terrible loser. I would have to work with her on that.
The night tried my patience and made me question if getting out all of these games was really better than just cuddling on the couch during a movie. Movies were so much easier, but infinitely more painful.