“OOOOOWWW!” he moaned, rubbing his cheek.
“OMG! SENSEI!” I cried. “I am SO sorry! My eyes were closed when I punched! I didn’t see you!”
I felt terrible! Sure, I wanted him to shut up. But not like that! I tried to help him, but he insisted on getting up by himself.
“No . . . big deal,” he said in a weak voice. “That didn’t hurt at all! Ha-ha! OWW!” He grabbed his jaw.
Poor guy! I think I accidentally bruised his face. And his ego! The saddest part was that I made him spill that yummy chocolate shake he was slurping down. I felt morally obligated to buy him another one.
Although, I had to admit—it WAS a pretty good punch! Strong and powerful! Just like the Hawk!
NOT!! I just hope he gives this “puny little pip-squeak” a passing grade.
!!
SATURDAY, MARCH 22
“Good morning, dear!” Mom chirped as I dragged myself into the kitchen.
It was 7:00 a.m. and she had on a fancy ruffled apron with cupcakes on it and a matching chef hat. Plus, she was wearing jewelry and makeup. It was definitely a huge change from her normal sleepy, disheveled look and ratty bathrobe.
“Good morning,” I muttered, glancing at the clock. The film crew was supposed to arrive in an hour.
“Since you’ll be filming today, I thought I’d make up a batch of my secret recipe—yummy organic cupcakes!” she said, picking up a silver tray filled with cupcakes and flashing me a huge megawatt smile. “They’re the perfect high-energy snack for SUPERbusy moms and kids and ONLY three hundred calories! Preparation time is twenty-eight minutes.”
“Mom, are you feeling okay?” I said, narrowing my eyes at her. She was acting a little strange.
“MY favorite is the delicious garbanzo bean with organic gooseberry icing,” she said in a perky TV-chef voice. “The taste will knock you right off your feet! Why don’t you try one, Nikki?”
ME, A LITTLE AFRAID TO TRY ONE OF MOM’S WEIRD, NASTY-LOOKING ORGANIC CUPCAKES
I just stared at it suspiciously. Garbanzo beans? And what exactly is a gooseberry? Finally I shrugged.
“Um . . . OKAY,” I answered, and took a huge bite.
UGH! ICK! It was NASTY!
It would knock you off your feet, all right. Right onto the floor, writhing in pain with horrible stomach cramps from the yuckylicious taste!
“So, what do you think?” Mom asked anxiously.
I forced my trembling lips into a fake smile and just gave her a thumbs-up instead of the truth.
Why? I was afraid to actually open my mouth due to the high risk of involuntary projectile vomiting.
Sorry, Mom !!
“I knew you would love it!” Mom gushed happily. “Just wait until you try my tuna-eggplant cupcake with oatmeal mustard frosting!”
Just the mention of those foul ingredients made me gag. AGAIN!
“No more, Mom! PLEASE!” I muttered as my stomach churned like a garbage disposal.
Before she could hand me the lump of purple goo covered in slimy oatmeal, my dad suddenly came running into the kitchen like his hair was on fire or something.
He was wearing a tacky-looking brown costume with a long cape and mask. And he had huge plastic bug antennae sticking out of his cap!
OMG! My dad looked like a cross between a slightly deranged superhero and a giant half-human cockroach!
For a moment I thought he was Max the Roach’s long-lost father!!
Then Dad sprayed me with his bug sprayer thingy and hollered . . .
“Hey, it’s ME! Like my new costume?” he chuckled.
“OMG! Dad, what’s that HORRID smell?! A dead walrus?!” I shrieked.
And what lamebrained, immature IDIOT would be recklessly spraying it on people? I’m just sayin’.
“I should ask you, Nikki,” Dad said. “I found a bottle of it under the kitchen sink. YOU said it was a homemade insect repellent/vinaigrette salad dressing/air freshener called Sardine Summer Splash! Remember your extra-credit gym project?”
Okay! So it was MY leftover fairy repellent spray that I’d made back in October! NEVER MIND!!
“This stuff works great!” Dad said. “It’s totally safe. Kills bugs dead. And tastes good too!” He squirted some into his mouth. “So, when is the TV crew supposed to be here?”
Finally I couldn’t take it any longer. “Mom! Dad! Why are you guys dressed up like this and acting like characters from some weird 1980s TV show?!” I yelled at them.
“Honey, haven’t you heard the great news? Your show is doing so well that your producer wants to audition US for our own SPIN-OFF shows!” Mom said excitedly.
JUST GREAT!! My life is already a HORROR show. And now my parents are joining the cast?!
What’s NEXT . . . ?!!
That’s when Brianna and Miss Penelope came dancing into the room.
Brianna was wearing a tutu, a feather boa, Mom’s heels, jewelry, sunglasses, and way too much makeup.
OMG! She looked like a five-year-old Katy Perry!
She was blasting an obnoxious song from Princess Sugar Plum’s greatest hits collection and singing along, very off-key. . . .
“ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT, BABY! GOTTA ROW TO THAT FUNKY BEAT, BABY!” she howled. “DANCING DOWN THE STREEEEEEEAM!”
“Brianna! WHAT are you doing? And WHY are you dressed for a clown beauty pageant?” I asked, covering my ears so they wouldn’t bleed.
“Wait a minute! You CAN’T call your show Brianna’s Got Talent!” I protested. “What if someone comes along more talented than you and wins?”
“Me and Miss Penelope are the judges. And we’ll always pick ME to be the WINNER! That’s why it’s called BRIANNA’S Got Talent!! Not OTHER PEOPLE Got Talent!” Brianna said smugly, and then very rudely stuck her tongue out at me.
When she started singing again, I covered my ears. But I wanted to cover my eyes when she actually started doing the CHICKEN DANCE! I couldn’t believe it when Mom and Dad started dancing and singing along.
“OMG! STOP IT! PLEASE!!” I screamed over the racket. “You’re ALL driving me KA-RAY-ZEE!”
I snatched Brianna’s music player and shut it off.
“When the TV crew gets here, they’re going to think they walked into an insane asylum!” I yelled. “What is WRONG with you people?!”
That’s when Mom, Dad, Brianna, and Miss Penelope glared at me in silence like I had totally lost it. . . .
MY ENTIRE FAMILY, EYEBALLING ME ALL EVIL-LIKE!!
Okay! So maybe I WAS overreacting a little bit.
“Nikki, I’m really worried about you,” Mom fretted. “I think your hectic schedule is really stressing you out. You’ve not been yourself lately. Would you like this liver-’n’-onions cupcake with pickle relish frosting? It’ll help you relax, dear.”
That’s when I threw up in my mouth a little.
“Someone needs her beauty sleep!” Dad teased. “Just go back to bed and sleep it off, sport! We’ll let you know when the TV crew gets here.”
“Yeah! You’re no fun at all when you’re GRUMPY!” Brianna said, and stuck her tongue out at me. Again.
JUST GREAT! All of a sudden, everything was MY fault! Like I was the CRAZY one! I stormed upstairs to my room and slammed my door. I’d had enough of that stupid reality show invading my privacy and ruining my life! I stared at my piggy bank. I could bust it open and scrounge up enough loose change for a mustache disguise and a one-way bus ticket to somewhere far, far away. Like . . . um, SIBERIA!
That’s when the craziest idea popped into my head. And no! My crazy idea WASN’T trying to take a BUS across the ocean to Siberia wearing a mustache disguise.
It was a DIABOLICAL plan that would:
1. SCARE that TV crew so badly that they’d NEVER, EVER want to set foot in this house again
AND
2. KILL all of those silly ideas about spin-off TV shows.
I’m such an EVIL GENIUS that sometimes I scare MYSELF!! MWA-HA-HA-HAA!
Gotta go now! I’ll finish writing about this later. . . .
!!