Chapter Eighteen
Ruby
The trip from Oxford to London the next morning is short but the journey drags. The toll of the last couple of weeks on the band shows. When we left to go on tour, the atmosphere was jovial and full of apprehension; now it’s replaced by exhaustion on all sides, which emerges as irritability. An exhausted, irritable Ruby makes the usual Ruby appear laid-back in comparison.
One thing’s for sure, I need to leave Jem’s and move on with my life. The two weeks I spent living with him were the safest I’ve felt in years, but incidents like last night show how wrong it is for us to spend time together. If we’re on the edge of an invisible line separating us physically, running away from the situation is the best option. What a glorious f-uck-up screwing Jem Jones would be.
I ask Jax to help out and he agrees; I’m uncomfortable with Jax sounding relieved considering his drunk words about hidden feelings. Will and Nate give the okay for me to stay with them for a while, that period of time undefined but the impression I get is they want it short. We’ve already lived on top of each other for a few weeks. There’s muttering about where I’m going to store my stuff in their small house, considering my room will be the sofa in the lounge, although it’s not as if I have many possessions. Dan owned most of my things, the way he owned me.
Jem isn’t home when I arrive at his house the next day so with relief I bundle what I left behind when I went on tour into bags. The quicker I do this, the better.
I’m scouting around Jem’s lounge room for anything I might have left lying around when I hear the front door close. My insides turn in on themselves as Jem’s heavy footsteps ascend the stairs and I attempt to judge his mood from the pace.
Jem pauses when he sees me, frowning at my rucksack. My heart turns rapid fire, memories of how close we got last night flaring into my cheeks as I’m caught in the attraction I have to this hot as hell guy from my fantasies.
“You’re leaving then.” He indicates my bag.
“Yeah. Thought it was best.”
“Yeah, probably a good thing.” He fiddles with his keys, avoiding my eyes. So much for the ‘things to talk about’.
“I can’t fit everything in my car though, is it okay if I come back later?”
“Leave things here as long as you like.” He lifts his eyes to meet mine. “Going to stay with Jax?”
“That’s a loaded comment if ever I heard one.”
Jem scowls. “I’m not arguing with you, Ruby. I’m too old for little girl games.”
Before I get a chance to retort he walks past into the kitchen.
I debate following him and giving him a mouthful for patronising me; to point out he’s behaving like a big kid too. We’re not exactly being mature about this, are we? Placing his house keys on the coffee table nearby, I leave the house.
****
Our conversation outside the hotel room isn’t mentioned by Jax; hopefully, he was too high at the time to remember his words, but I’m on edge around him now. I replay any physical contact we’ve had; looking for signs, Jax saw our relationship as more than musical. How Jax ever thought I could be added to his list of conquests, I have no idea.
I won’t get undressed in front of him again.
Life returns to normal after the tour, or as normal as my life ever gets. We have a break from official rehearsals but often evenings at home turn into a few drinks and a fair bit of music. The four of us discuss what’s coming next, planning our future.
I don’t see or speak to Jem. Tour over; he backs off for a while. Jem’s away, we’re not sure where. The States I think. We have our studio time booked for when he returns. Whatever stress Jem entering my life has given me, the fact Ruby Riot are on the path to becoming a success makes everything worthwhile.
But Jem consumes my thoughts. As a housemate, he was weird, and I kick myself that the easiness we had together was ruined by the step into something more, the night at the hotel. I question my sanity – at pining for an ex-drug addict, the unstable Jem Jones from Blue Phoenix. Yeah, he’s just what I don’t need. The ‘no relationships’ rule I have when it comes to the band should more than obviously apply to our pseudo-manager. Besides, I need to spend time outside of a relationship before I dive into another, and stop attaching myself to men who claim to want to help me.
Yet I continue to miss him. Jem understood and didn’t judge, and he looked at me in a way that saw beyond Ruby. And for the first time, I didn’t care. Someone offered support and wanted nothing in return, an unusual situation in my life. I hope in a small way I returned that.
Dan.
Since the text that freaked me out before the tour, he’s been silent. On tour, the nightmare was distant but back in my normal life I’m on edge again. Maybe Dan’s with one of the girls he said he was f-ucking. The thought turns my stomach, not because he was having sex with other girls; but the possibility he might not have used condoms. I get tested and thankfully, I’m clean. That would be one last kick in the guts if he’d given me an STD.
After a week of sleeping on the sofa at the boys’ house, I up my attempts at finding a new place to live. Sharing with three guys is okay but none of them has any clue about hygiene, let alone tidiness, and I’m used to living with clean freak Dan. Living and breathing Ruby Riot is okay, living and breathing Jax, Will, and Nate, not so much. A room comes up in one of Will’s friends’ house. My tin of savings covers a deposit and I gladly move out.
A week after I take the room, life settles. I share with two uni students, Alison and Kate. They’re nice enough, but we have nothing in common. I don’t do small talk so I’m not sure living here will work out long term. I mostly keep to myself and fit into their house routine so at least the atmosphere is calm. The one problem is Kate is a serious student who studies more than she parties. She has a ‘curfew’ of no noise after eleven p.m. and she isn’t a fan of my guitar playing. So inevitably, I end up spending time with the boys anyway.
Ruby Riot’s studio time is booked for next week and I’ve swapped as many shifts at the café as I can to early mornings and late evenings, freeing up my afternoons. Ben’s not happy with my unreliability, two weeks away touring, and now this less than a month later and I’m concerned I’ll lose my job. I have a little left over from my Escape Fund but not much. I don’t care if I lose my job. I’ll find something else. This is my big chance – our big chance – if Jem Jones has faith in us, I should too.
This Ruby is worth something, now all I have to do is believe she can be who she wants.
The evenings darken as summer heads to autumn although the late summer heat isn’t going anywhere. I head home from my shift at the café. I’ve arranged to catch the guys at the pub later, so Kate needn’t worry about the noise tonight. The narrow house is squashed together with other terraced homes, the majority filled with students. Ours is easily spotted because for some weird reason Kate likes to tend the square metre patch of grass below the window and there’re pansies growing there. I’m willing to bet our house is the tidiest on the street inside and out.
Inside, Alison lounges on the sofa eating ice cream, blonde hair pulled into a ponytail, and watching some reality TV crap.
Alison looks up when I walk in. “You’ve got a visitor.” She indicates the kitchen with her spoon. “Hot guy - how many do you have tucked away?”
I drop my messenger bag on the floor. “You mean Jax?” I doubt Will or Nate would match her tastes, but Jax appears to be everyone’s taste, and he loves it.
“No, Dan. You never mentioned you had a boyfriend.”
A sharp spike of panic launches into my body. “What?”
“Dan. He’s in the kitchen with Kate.” Alison frowns at me. “What’s wrong?”
The room shrinks as I’m sucked into the fear I’ve not missed in the last few weeks. “Dan.”
“Yes. He said you’d asked him to come over.”
The dizziness grips, the weak girl fighting through. “Make him leave,” I say hoarsely. “Tell me when he’s gone.”
“Oh, God, I’m sorry. Is he an ex? I didn’t know. He seemed so nice and friendly.”
I fight the urge to charge out of the house. “Make him go. Please.”
“Ruby, that’s not very nice,” says a familiar voice. I snap my head up and Dan stands in the doorway, holding a mug of coffee. The friendly, smiling man is a world away from the bastard who threatened to rape me last month. Physically, he’s imposing and he frightens me, but Dan also knows how to charm and use his looks into sweet-talking girls into doing what he wants. Evidently, this worked with Alison and Kate.
I swallow against the memory of the last time I saw Dan. His hands on me, hurting, violating. The words, threatening what he’d do when he found me again, echo in my ringing ears. I can’t talk over the lump in my throat.
“You never told me you were back,” he continues. “I’ve been wanting to chat to you about our misunderstanding.”
“Misunderstanding?” I choke back the words. He can’t see my fear; he feeds off that. “I don’t want to see you, Dan.”
“Just a chat?” he offers.
“No.”
Dan is dressed for a night-out in a crisp black shirt and jeans covering his long legs. His blue eyes are one of the things that captivated me years ago; the friendliness in them is a charade though. Good-looking guy with a rotten core.
Kate appears behind Dan, cradling her mug. “Everything okay?”
“No, it’s not. Why did you let him in?” I keep my gaze trained on Dan, refusing to break eye contact. I’m stronger than the girl he attacked. I’m not her.
“I couldn’t leave him on the doorstep!” protests Kate. Dan gives her a grateful smile and she returns it.
“Yes. You could.”
“Maybe we should leave you to talk?” suggests Alison.
“No!” I clear my throat. “Dan’s leaving.”
No. Three times, I’ve said ‘no’. Dan’s mouth twists further into anger each time. No. The word I should’ve learned years ago.
“Ruby,” he says, tone cajoling.
“Get the f-uck out!” I shout, pushing away the weak Tuesday threatening to invade. “I don’t want to see you!”
If I climb the stairs to my room, will he follow? My housemates look at each other awkwardly.
“Maybe you should leave, Dan,” says Kate. “Sorry, Ruby, I never realised you didn’t want to see him. I did think it was a bit strange; I thought Jax was your other half.”
I widen my eyes. What the f-uck did she say that for? I glance between her and Dan whose expression scares me.
“Me and Ruby had a bad fight because I thought that about her and Jax too. You haven’t replaced me, have you, angel?” he asks.
At the word ‘angel’, I want to vomit. I cross my arms and step to one side as he moves closer, pissed off with myself that his bulk and presence intimidate me. If I keep replying, we stay engaged, and then the further he worms his way into my new headspace.
“Okay, I see this is a bad time. I’ll catch up with you later. I could drop by the café after work and take you for a drink? Or I’ve seen you at The Lions Head with the guys; maybe I could come and see you there?”
His hardened look accompanies the veiled threat: ‘I can find you’.
“Don’t bother! I don’t want anything to do with you!”
“I’ll come and see you when you’re on your own, then we can talk properly.” Dan smiles in a way that chills my soul and I’m frozen in the moment as he says his polite goodbyes to my housemates and strolls out of the house.
Just like that.
Aware the fear coursing through my body will lead to outbursts at the two girls that could get me kicked out of the house, I run upstairs before any words escape.
I close my bedroom door and lean against it. What if Dan changes his mind and comes back to the house? Comes for me? This man has been part of my life for five years in one way or another; how did I think I’d get rid of him so easily?