Chapter Thirty-Nine
Six Months Later
Jem
Swaddled and held against Ruby’s chest, a white blanket shielding her from the cameras, sleeps my beautiful, baby girl. The commotion around us as we step from the hospital, and the tears that spring to Ruby’s eyes, surges my anger as I push through the bottom feeders trying to get their scoop. I grip Ruby’s shoulders, this shouldn’t be happening. The car is parked somewhere close, but private. Obviously not private enough. Who f-ucking leaked this?
“What the f-uck? Why are they all here?” I ask.
“Let them have a picture,” says Pippa.
When the latest member of Blue Phoenix’s PR entourage arrived at the hospital and informed us there was some media interest, she wasn’t joking. “No f-ucking way,” I growl. “She doesn’t belong to them; they’re not having her.”
“They might back off if you do.”
“Yeah, right,” says Ruby, adjusting the blanket to ensure our daughter is hidden.
“My car’s parked out the back of the hospital,” I say. “We should’ve just driven instead of Pippa sending someone to pick us up!”
“I don’t care. I just want to go home,” says Ruby, turning back to the building. Her pale face and wide eyes annoy me more. Ruby’s exhausted and doesn’t need this shit.
“You okay? Want me to take her?” I ask.
“We’re fine, Jem.” She ducks her head, allowing her hair to obscure her face as we head back inside.
“Deal with them!” I snap at Pippa and follow Ruby.
A couple of young nurses glance over as we head inside, and then turn back to their conversation. I guess they’re used to famous babies at the exclusive London hospital.
We expected media interest, but not getting mobbed the day after she was born. This proves again how Ruby and me should stay in our world and do things our way. Why the hell did I allow Blue Phoenix PR in to try to arrange things? The three of us should’ve snuck out in the first place.
Ruby hovers by the car in the July sunshine, red hair spilling across her short black summer dress, and I kiss her forehead before opening the door.
“I’ll put her in the seat.” I hold my arms out and Ruby gives a small shake of her head, gently placing my daughter into my arms. She makes a strange baby sound, lips moving as if dreaming and I kiss her head, rubbing my nose across the blonde wisps of hair.
“Stop sniffing your daughter and strap her into the car seat. I want to go home,” says Ruby softly.
Awkwardly, I attempt to push tiny arms through straps and figure out how to clip her safely inside. I catch myself against swearing and Ruby places a hand on mine. “I’ll do it.”
I rub my tired eyes, studying how Ruby fixes the seat, then stands back. Now her arms are free, I encompass Ruby in mine and hope I take some of her stress away. “How are you?”
“Not pregnant anymore, thank God. How are you?”
“Apart from the bruises on my arm and the abuse you yelled at me yesterday, I’m great.”
Ruby smiles her magic smile that lights my world. “Yeah, sorry, but I can assure you it hurt me a lot more than I hurt you.”
I twist Ruby’s hair from her shoulders and kiss her head, remembering how frightened I was for her yesterday. No way, I’d go through that and not break someone’s face. I think I’m lucky I got away with bruises. “I love you,” I whisper. “Both of you, forever. Our forever.”
“Careful, Jem, you’re getting close to romantic bullshit there.”
“Not bullshit, Ruby Tuesday.”
She hugs me tightly and the tension leaves her shoulders. “Just take us home.”
****
Ruby
I wake from dreams of babies and Jem, immediately on alert for her cry, exhausted after the third night of parenthood. I’m surprised to see the sun shining through the window and the large bedroom missing Jem and our daughter; how did I sleep so late? I head out of the bedroom in my t-shirt and pants, and downstairs as I search for them.
The tiled floors of the old farmhouse are cool against my feet as I check the large kitchen, and the silence worries me; this hasn’t been a feature of our house recently.
Then I see them.
Stretched out on the long sofa in the lounge lies Jem, shirtless with his daughter resting on his chest. His tattooed arms look odd surrounding her pink suit, the girl tiny against his broad chest. She’s facing me, her cheek pressed against her dad’s skin and lips parted, sleeping as peacefully as him.
An overwhelming surge of love for both of them pushes through my heart and soul. The calm of the scene and the peace on Jem’s face removes any doubt that when the baby arrived, he wouldn’t cope with the reality. His constant attention to us both, the pure love in Jem’s eyes when he looks at her, at both of us, is more than any child could ever want. Jem can give his daughter everything; but the most precious thing he can give her is in front of me, all-encompassing, selfless love that holds us together.
Jem shifts and tightens his grip on her, a curl falling across his face as he moves. I cross and kiss his forehead and he opens his eyes, looking at me in sleepy surprise. “She wouldn’t settle and I didn’t want to wake you,” he whispers. “She likes to sleep like this apart from when she’s hungry and I don’t have the equipment.”
His mouth tips a smile at one corner and I kiss him. “Thank you.”
Jem cups his large hand around her head, stroking her face with his thumb. “Can we sort this name thing out, please? Bryn’s started calling her Diamond which is bloody stupid.”
I sit on the chair arm. “But we can’t agree and that never ends well.”
“Yeah, but this is one situation where we can’t give up; we have to agree. I don’t think she’ll appreciate the name when she’s twenty.”
“I know, but after my mother’s fail at my name, I’m cautious.”
“I had a thought, but I’m not sure what you’ll think.”
“A name?”
Jem nods and closes his other hand around mine. “I thought… Quinn.”
His words strike my heart. I haven’t heard anybody say his name for a long time. “Quinn?” I whisper.
“It’s a girl’s name too, and it’s pretty cool. He sounds like he was a cool guy.”
My eyes fill with tears. Stupid hormonal tears come so quickly these days; but despite the ache in my chest Jem’s suggestion causes, the name makes perfect sense.
“Ruby?” Jem’s tone is cautious.
“I guess…”
The little girl shifts and murmurs, rubbing her face against him.
“See!” he says triumphantly. “She likes it!”
“You’re funny. And yes. Quinn. You win.”
“Wow, I’ll add that to the short list of times I have.” He sits, carefully holding his daughter in place against his chest. “Come on, Quinn, let’s take a walk outside before your mum changes her mind, and wants to call you something boring.” He pauses. “What about her other name?”
“One thing at a time, Jem.”
The topic of marriage came up once and very briefly because I shot the conversation down before he got more than one sentence out. Not a proposal but one of Jem’s ‘we need to plan the future’ sessions. Jem bought me a ring and gave me it the day Quinn was born, insisting it wasn’t a proposal but a commitment that he’ll be here forever. I wish I could believe that in every corner of my soul, but I think it will take time before I do. Marrying Jem won’t take that doubt away; but I suspect my heart will win over soon enough. I twist the diamond and ruby ring around my right ring finger as we edge around the topic.
“She can have both surnames,” I say.
Jem smirks. “Quinn Butler-Jones. Makes us sound like landed gentry.”
“Says the man who bought a country estate!” I indicate the world outside the glass doors leading to the huge gardens. No longer city Jem, he’s moved us onto a property surrounded by fields, into a converted farmhouse and away from prying eyes.
Quinn begins to grumble and I recognise the signs, and what’s coming next. She’s calm for a baby according to Cerys, which amuses the hell out of our friends considering how they perceive us. But they don’t see how, most of the time, me and Jem operate on a calm and intuitive level; that our desire for stability in our new world sees conflict dealt with quickly, although occasionally, loudly. Quinn’s snuffling turns to whimpering and my hormones kick in. I hold my arms out to Jem and he reluctantly hands her over.
Jem bends his head and plants a kiss on her head. “You saved my life,” he whispers then looks to me. “Both of you.”
“No, we killed your old one,” I reply and sit down to feed Quinn.
“Yeah, I guess. Yesterday doesn’t matter.” He indicates my tattoo under my b-reasts, revealed as I position her.
“It’s gone.” I no longer regret choosing to etch the words from ‘my song’ onto my body. They are the truth and a connection to my brother, the part of yesterday who’ll never leave.
Jem curls up next to me as Quinn feeds, as if he wants to be part of our bonded closeness and by touching my skin, he can be. I rest my head on his shoulder.
“I love you, Ruby Tuesday.” Jem says this every day, a reminder I don’t need because even when he refused to say the words, I knew this was true. Jem says the words simply and with undisguised love in his eyes, not with a desperate need for me to reciprocate with the same words. But I always do.
“I love you, Jem Jones,” I whisper.
He touches Quinn’s head as she feeds. “My life is f-ucking perfect.” Then winces as I jab my finger into his side. “What?”
“We don’t swear anymore, remember?”
Jem bites his lip in amusement. “Sure, let’s see you try with that.”
I poke my tongue out and Jem laughs, capturing my mouth with his, leaving a soft kiss on my lips to reinforce his words. I shift, snuggle into him and he wraps his arms around my shoulder.
Jem spent a lifetime hiding how he felt and attempting to contain the depth of the emotions he holds inside. Although he refused to believe it, Jem Jones has always been filled with love he wanted to give, but had no idea how to. If Jem didn’t feel so deeply about others, he wouldn’t have needed to cut away such an important part of who he is in order to protect himself. If he honestly didn’t give a crap about anything, why would Jem need to obliterate his world? Jem took the love he tried to give, which was rejected as a child, and turned this back against himself into hate and inadequacy. Finally, Jem’s lost the self-hatred and shared the love he deserves to get back.
Jem gave me the one thing he could never trust anybody with: access to the deepest parts of his heart where that love lives. He once told me the darkness could never hide me because I shine so brightly; that stars can never be lost in the night. In the same way, Jem needed to break apart; because how else would the light shine through the cracks into his shadow world.
Look what came from our pain and confusion, from our coming together. Not only a new world together, but also a new life, a new person. I could never doubt the goodness in a man who has poured himself into changing and becoming who he needs to be, for himself, for me, and for Quinn.
We’re still locked in our own world, but we’re no longer trapped. This is the place we’ve chosen to be together, and here is where we belong. Ruby Tuesday, Jem Jones, and Quinn live here in a new reality; one nobody gets to take away from us.