Chapter Thirty-Six
Jem
I hang outside the Chapel of Rest, watching people I don’t know talking to other strangers; I’m on the fringes as always. The sombrely dressed men and women climb into cars, negotiating who travels in each. A few tried to talk when they noticed me at the back of the chapel, but I deliberately arrived late in order to avoid them. There isn’t a single person here I recognise. When the service finished, I ducked out of the place before anyone else could speak to me and hid around the corner of the building with Dylan and my grief. Do they know who I am? Did she ever tell people about me? Or was I something Mum tried to forget until she couldn’t anymore?
The early December weather freezes the afternoon and the coastal wind smarts my face. The physical numbness helps dull the pain gnawing my insides too. I don’t think I hurt; I don’t know. I’ve hurt so much in the last month I don’t know what feels normal and what feels wrong anymore. I’m terrified because I’m slipping into the lost place in my mind, where a path leads to the old methods of oblivion.
As I watched the coffin leave the Chapel of Rest for cremation today, the pain of the battle to stop the tears split my head; and as the room spun, I realised I was holding my breath against the final goodbye. Dylan’s quiet support helped, he understood my need to be left alone and didn’t touch or attempt to speak to me in the service. Heaving in the breath I’d neglected, I pictured my suffering and memories burning with her. If Mum doesn’t exist anymore, how can they?
But if Mum takes away all that with her death, what am I left with? An emptiness I need to take and fill with something, but what with is my decision.
Dylan steps forward hands in the pockets of his dark suit. “Are we going with them to the wake?” He inclines his head to the funeral goers.
“Nah. Don’t know any of them. I’m done now.”
Dylan places a hand on my arm and I brace myself. I don’t want his comfort. He hugged me fiercely the day I told him Mum had died, rewinding us to who we are and always have been. The twelve year old Jem and Dylan— the boys who forged a bond that loosened, but never broke— are here. Brothers. “You okay, man?”
“No. But come on.”
I wish Ruby was with me, but I couldn’t ask her to come. We haven’t spoken properly since the night she appeared like a scarlet-haired angel and pulled me out of the Hell I was falling back into. Ruby left the day after she helped me. I called a couple of times and we chatted, but Ruby says she’s not ready to see me. I’m proud of my beautiful girl who found the strength finally to believe in herself, to know she deserves love and happiness instead of walking back into my mess. I will fight for her when I’ve finished fighting for myself. Until I’m in the right space, there can’t be anything more.
Will I ever be in the right space?
Today I’m laying to rest my past and I’m not including Ruby as part of today for a bigger reason. I don’t want to lay us to rest.
“What do you want to do?” asks Dylan as we climb into his black Audi.
“Dunno. Go home.”
We return to my house empty of life, tidied and fixed, back to my barren life in just one or two rooms. Dylan stayed with me the last week, refusing to leave because I have nobody else. I once had somebody else. The woman who I reach for in the night and she’s not there; the one who would sit half-naked on my bed with her guitar and play when she knew I needed her to, but never asked why. There was a beautiful, loving girl who held my face, looked me in the eyes, and told me she cared and just as easily told me when I was being an asshole. And I f-ucking threw her away.
Ruby Riot has a gig tonight and on the drive home through the greying skies, I suggest to Dylan I go there. He launches into a lecture about being around alcohol when I’m in a mess, considering my almost relapse when I heard Mum had died. I explain that’s why I need to be around music, the good that can drown out the thoughts looping in my mind.
No, I can’t wait until I’m in the right space because until I have Ruby, I never will be. A year ago, in this state of mind, all I would’ve wanted was drugs. The only thing I want at this moment in time is Ruby.
****
I’m late to the gig, Ruby Riot’s familiar sound blasts through the open doors as I arrive. There’s a strange irony in Ruby Riot being here tonight; the venue I first saw her in months ago. The last time Ruby Riot played here the crowd was half the size, the band relatively unknown. The few tables are empty as most people are standing and under Ruby’s spell. I slide onto a seat so I can stay in the shadows.
Watching the band achieve what I hoped, the shit of today is wiped from my mind and filled with colour and sound. Dylan offered to come with me and when I got snarly with his undertone that he wanted to keep an eye on me, he backed off. Dylan knows I need to be alone; this is me locking myself into a different space and not slipping. The band gets tighter as they gig more often. As Blue Phoenix’s support act for the next tour; the whole world will get to share them. Accusations they only got the gig because of Jem Jones’s involvement with the lead singer fall away as the music world recognises what I did that first night at this same venue. Talent.
The power Ruby had over me the first night never wanes. The woman on stage, hair tumbling across her face as her powerful voice competes with Jax’s heavy guitar for supremacy and inevitably wins, is a f-ucking goddess. This goes beyond her looks: her strength, her passion, the new self-belief all make up this phenomenal person who reached into herself, grasped the vines of the past strangling her, and tore them out. I saw Ruby grow in front of my eyes and this allowed her to turn away from me when I started to break her apart.
She’s the Ruby she deserves to be, free from assholes who can’t tell her when they love her.
I imagine the colours we talked about swimming around her head; the ones I see too if I close my eyes. Regret coils around my heart the longer I look at Ruby. She’s me, or the me I would like to be.
If I were in the movies, I’d walk on stage and kiss the girl beneath the strobing lights. I’d confess my undying love with a song dedicated to Ruby. But life isn’t like the movies, and we’re certainly not typical when it comes to that shit. Probably, she’d tell me to f-uck off. Instead, I watch and wait. When the set finishes, I don’t move. The crowds thin as the evening ends with only a couple of double-take glances thrown my way, most don’t notice me.
Half an hour later, the band re-appears to get drinks and dismantle their gear. Ruby sits on the edge of the stage, long legs crossed and barefoot. Her skin shines, hair damp, my post-gig Ruby soaked in happiness. Jax approaches with a bottle of water and she smiles as he passes it to her.
Then he kisses her forehead, running a finger across her face as he steps back.
My world of colour darkens as I watch them, the old insecurity niggling. Are they together? Is this the real reason she’s keeping me at a distance? Jax wanders over to where Will and Nate dismantle the drum kit, and I’m on the verge of leaving as the turmoil of my day is joined by more. This is f-ucking exhausting. A few minutes later, Ruby disappears and my inner debate rages. Do I follow or stay?
She’s better off with Jax.
But I can’t let her slip away, not without a fight.
The door to the Green Room is open and Ruby sits on the edge of the dilapidated sofa, gripping her water. The dampness on her face isn’t only perspiration. Tears travel slowly down her cheeks and she stares at her boots, mouth turned down. But she looked happy?
“Ruby?”
Looking up sharply, she scrubs away the tears with the back of her hand, but new ones shine in her eyes.
“Can I talk to you?” She nods but doesn’t speak, and her distress radiates across the room. Quietly, I close the door. “Are you okay?”
“I’m surprised to see you, Jem,” she replies, turning concerned eyes to mine. “It was the funeral today, wasn’t it?”
Now it’s my turn to nod.
“You were good tonight,” I say after a few moments of silence that shouldn’t be as awkward as we make it.
“Thanks.” She pauses. “How are you?”
“Pretty crap. You?”
She gives a small smile. “About the same.”
“What’s wrong?”
Ruby’s hair hangs in her eyes and she blows it away. “Jax is still worried about the tour in January.”
“Why?”
“In case we… this between us means Blue Phoenix don’t want Ruby Riot to support anymore.”
“Huh. I’m not that unprofessional. I put a crap load of time and money into you guys.”
“Okay.” She’s still fighting tears. This isn’t her; this isn’t about the band.
“Stop avoiding my question. What happened? Is Dan back on the scene?”
“No! He’s gone, moved somewhere else with another girl. I don’t know where, a f-ucking long way I hope.”
“But I haven’t seen you like this before, not for a long time. Is this because of me?”
Ruby fixes me with a curious look. “Don’t flatter yourself, Jem Jones.” I smile and she half-smiles back. “What did you want?”
“You.”
The words echo our first meeting and she recognises my lame attempt to reach out. “This time do you mean Ruby Riot or me?”
I tuck my hands into my pockets, playing over the rehearsed words. They all sound wrong but so right at the same time. “You. I miss you.”
“Well, you’ll get to spend plenty of time with me on tour in a couple of months.” She stands. “The guys are in the bar if you want to chat to them. I’m sure they’d love to know you came to see us.”
“I came to see you.”
Her hands tremble and the fought-back tears are ripping me apart. Something’s wrong. She could be lying about Dan. I scan her naked skin for signs of bruises, nothing.
“Why? So you can screw around with my feelings again?” Ruby would’ve snapped this, but she’s Ruby Tuesday and speaks with a defeated hurt.
“I didn’t mean to. I just fucked it up like everything else.”
Ruby rubs her head as she considers what to say. “You probably did the right thing; we’d have hurt each other more than we did.”
“You think?”
“We can’t give the whole of ourselves, so how could we avoid this happening eventually?”
No, she’s so wrong.
This is it, I have one chance. If opening the final part of my heart to Ruby doesn’t work, I’ll know there’s no future. If there’s no chance for us, I can shovel away all the crap in my life in one day, and start again. “I already gave you the whole of myself, Ruby, that’s why I got scared.”
“Stop it, Jem.”
I take a ragged breath and the words fall out, because if I stop they’ll never find their way to the ears of the girl who needs to hear. “You have a part of me; you always had a part of me, Ruby.” I resist the urge to stare at my feet, willing her to look at me too. “I came here because I have to tell you the truth that I’ve lied to us both about.”
“Stop talking riddles.”
I push on. “I was scared to admit what was happening; terrified of the emptiness I’d be left with if I gave you too much and if you took everything away.”
Ruby makes a derisive sound. “So you told me to leave? How am I supposed to believe what you’re saying, Jem?”
“I threw us away because the reality scared the hell out of me.”
She turns her reddened eyes to me. “No, you threw us away because you can’t love.”
Shit. I rub my temples. Why the hell am I putting myself through this?
“So you’ve come here to tell me what?” she continues when I don’t respond. “That you care and want to try again? I don’t have anything for you, Jem, not right now because you left me empty too.”
“What do I have to say to make you understand what you mean to me?”
“Just tell the truth.”
I snatch the glimmer of forgiveness and move closer; there’s a chance she’ll let me in? Hesitantly, I touch her damp hair. “I’m lost without you. Hell, I’ve spent most of my life lost, but this time it’s worse. All the colour in my life has gone because you’re not there.” I pause and whisper. “Every song I hear makes me think of you.”
She gives a small smile to my admission. “What? Even the boy bands?”
“Even the f-ucking boy bands. Do you know how embarrassing that is for rock god, Jem Jones?”
Ruby’s smile grows and she shakes her head at me. “So you’re saying you miss me?”
“I f-ucking ache for you. When you left, you took the part of me who could be a decent person, and the only way I can get him back is be with you.”
“You kicked me out! I didn’t leave!”
I rub my temples. “Yeah, I know. Shit, I’m no good at this, Ruby. I don’t know what else to say to you because this obviously isn’t working.”
She crosses her arms. “I’m not helping you out this time.”
My heart hammers against my chest, skipping out of its normal rhythm for a split second, the way the drugs used to cause. I take another shaky breath and push against Ruby’s barrier some more. “I belong with you.”
The tears remain in Ruby’s eyes, the crossed arms indicate I’m no closer to being let back in. “Ruby, there’s so many things I can’t put into words; I should just leave.”
When Ruby’s expression changes to alarm, I know leaving would be the end. The real end. I swear my perspiration matches hers right now. Why is this so f-ucking hard?
Ruby touches my face, the surprise like an electric shock across my skin. “You could save yourself the explanations if you just used one word, Jem,” she says softly and runs her thumb along my lip.
She knows. I know. We’ve both known for months. The girl in front of me who blew my mind the first night I saw her, who stepped across the broken glass and dragged the hidden Jem into her light deserves to hear the truth from him. “I love you, Ruby Tuesday.”
Ruby’s expression changes, but I can’t read it and she doesn’t speak. Shock? More tears… Shit, she doesn’t feel the same.
“That was easier, wasn’t it?” she whispers eventually, cupping my cheek in her hand.
“No, so you’d better f-ucking kiss me. I need mouth to mouth after that; it almost killed me.”
Ruby laughs, the sound letting in light over my shadows. She winds her arms around my neck and plants a sudden, surprise kiss on my mouth. “How could I refuse such an eloquent request?”
Then Ruby really kisses me. She actually f-ucking kisses me with the mouth I was terrified would never touch mine again, the warmth and taste flooding a new energy into my life. Ruby wants me and is prepared to forgive my shitty, asshole behaviour. In this embrace is the pull back to our place, the one we escaped together, the new path we started on and I sabotaged.
Ruby stops and grips the hands that are wrapped around her slim frame; but I won’t let her go, her long legs wrapped between mine, my face buried in her neck.
“Look at me, Jem. I love you, too, and it frightens me. Look at what happened, at what you can do to me when you’re hurting. I can’t cope with that unpredictability.”
My heart stutters for a second time, is she saying no? “I will always tell you everything. There isn’t anything I want to hide from you ever again. You’re in here now.” I place her hand on my heart. “You always were, just this stupid fucker had to catch up.” I touch my head. “Can we try again?”
Ruby’s smile cracks through the concern. “Can you accept you’re worth loving?”
“If I’m worth you reaching out that night I fell apart, I must be worth something. Come home with me. I promise that from now on it’s me and you; we’re the only people who matter.”
Ruby’s smile leaves and she pushes both hands into her hair. “I’m worried about something that’ll f-uck this up before we’ve even tried again,” she says hoarsely.
I frown. “Like what? Nothing you could say would change my mind.” Unless. Jax? “Or is there someone else?”
“No, no. Not that” Ruby continues to shake her head and pushes my hands away. She sits on the sofa again. “I don’t want you to think… If this is a big deal to you, I’ll sort it.”
“If what is a big deal? Now you’re the one talking in riddles. Something that keeps us apart?”
I sit next to Ruby and touch her bare leg. She laces her hands in mine. “I’m scared.”
“Why?”
“Shit!” She slams her head against the back of the sofa. “You said I took a part of you when I left.”
“When I made you leave.”
“Well, I literally did.” Ruby looks at me warily.
“Oh. What did you take? I’m sure it wasn’t important if I haven’t noticed. The guitar? I said you could have that.”
“Jem, I’m pregnant.”
The world shifts into slow motion, the words exploding through my mind as I grab at the scattering thoughts; make attempts at sentences, a reaction. Ruby launches into a burbling breakdown of what she’ll do, how she’ll fix it. I grip her hand. “Ruby, stop talking. Are you sure?”
“Yeah. Not very pregnant, I mean, it’s early days and that makes it easier to decide.” The breathless words are accompanied by her staring at the wall.
Finally, my brain processes the world-shattering information. “Holy f-ucking f-uck.”
“I thought something along the same lines. I didn’t do this on purpose, Jem; it’s not something on my life plan for the next few years.”
“Or mine.”
Ruby chews her mouth. “Yeah.”
“No, I don’t mean…” I tip her chin to me. She’s scared and I f-ucking hate Ruby scared. “Falling in love wasn’t in my plans either.”
Ruby tries to move, but I hold tight. “I need time to process this. I just came from my mum’s funeral and that was a big enough headfuck.”
“I didn’t plan on telling you right now; but I thought before I went home with you, I had to, in case it changed your mind.” The realisation she might not have told me at all hits. Surely, she would? “I couldn’t stand to go back, spend a night with you, and be kicked aside.”
She’s rambling again, and I wipe the worry from Ruby’s face with both my hands, kissing her cheeks, lips, forehead, anything to show her that words don’t matter even though the ones I heard blew my world so far off its axis there’s no way I’ll ever get back into the same orbit again.
“I can say with complete honesty and certainty that whatever happens, this will not change my mind.”
I squeeze Ruby to me, in case she changes her mind and wants to run or doesn’t believe my words. I came to speak to her tonight because I put my past to rest and had to know if Ruby belonged there, or in my future. Now Ruby is where she should be: in my arms and my heart.
Ruby’s body trembles against mine and I hold her tighter. I will never, ever, let this girl go. Whatever she needs, she gets; and if that’s my love, then I have that covered.
“I love you,” I whisper against her hot cheek. “I have never loved anybody before, never knew how until you. You found your way to the deepest part of my heart where that love hides and claimed it.”
“Only because you were ready to love someone,” she says against my neck.
“No, only because I love you. I was always waiting for Ruby Tuesday to come into my life and show me who I really am. Hers.”
I find out I’m going to be a dad on the day I say goodbye to my mum and the crap of my childhood. Can I do any better? This is fate’s ultimate demonstration I belong with Ruby. For the first time, the future exists and life is no longer the past or the day-to-day survival against relapsing. I have a place to go and somebody to take with me.
Sure, this isn’t tied up in a neat little bow or a verse in a Hallmark card, but we can do this. I will always give Ruby what she needs because I’m not giving; I’m sharing a part of myself that has always belonged to her.
More than that, somebody somewhere decided we should share ourselves in another person, and that’s f-ucking fine by me.