-Ellie-
I drove around for a while; thinking until I thought my head would explode. Somehow I had ended up parked at the bottom of a familiar graveled driveway. The night was noisy as I climbed out of my car.
It was the early days of October and the heat of August and September was slowly slipping away. The night held the sounds of a dying summer.
I closed the door to my car, the sound like a gunshot. I don’t know why I ended up here, only that I had nowhere else to go.
And that had been what led me to him all those years ago.
I walked up the worn path that cut through the trees. It looped around by a stream that edged the property. I had traversed these woods many times. I knew exactly where the road would lead me.
I heard him before I saw him, my heart speeding up in my chest.
I edged through the trees until I was at the bottom of his yard. I could make him out in the moonlight. I could hear his laughter and it made me smile.
What was he doing?
A huge figure barreled past me and I almost wet myself.
“Come here, Murphy!” I heard Flynn call out and the furry creature trotted up the yard carrying a stick in his mouth.
I stepped out into the open, barely able to believe what was right in front of me. My dog, my Murphy, was running as fast as his gangly doggie legs could carry him toward Flynn, who slapped his thighs, encouraging him to run faster.
Murphy dropped the stick on the ground at Flynn’s feet. Flynn knelt beside the dog I loved and scratched his head, running his fingers through his fur. I could still hear him laughing, even though I couldn’t see his face in the darkness.
I started walking toward them, barely able to breathe. Barely able to contain the tears that prickled behind my eyelids.
As if sensing my presence, Murphy started running back down the hill, towards me. He jumped up, his paws landing on my stomach, just as he had done when I’d let him out of his cage at the shelter.
He toppled me over backwards and I landed with a whoosh on my backside. Murphy’s tongue lapped my cheek, his hot doggie breath filling my nose.
“Good boy,” I crooned, scratching underneath his chin just how I knew he liked it.
“He likes you.” I looked over my shoulder to find Flynn approaching.
I laughed as Murphy nudged my chin with the top of his head. I thought I’d never see him again. I had spent a better part of my day fixated on what had become of him. And here he was, with the one person I knew would love him as much as I did.
“I can’t believe it was you that adopted him,” I said in between breathless giggles.
“What?” Flynn asked, clearly confused.
I got to my feet, Murphy pressed against my legs.
“You got him from the shelter. I volunteer there. I’ve been taking care of Murphy since he was brought in over the summer,” I explained, still in disbelief that my dog was here. Only he wasn’t my dog anymore. He was Flynn’s dog. And that made me incredibly happy.
“Do you want to play with us?” Flynn asked, smiling shyly. His innocent question was all it took to turn my night around.
I had left Dania’s upset and conflicted.
And I had found my way here.
I had found my way home.
I grabbed the ball from Flynn’s hand and tossed into the air before catching it. Murphy wagged his tail and reared up on his hind legs trying to take it from me.
“Go long, Flynn!” I cried, winding back my arm to throw the bed.
“Where am I going?” Flynn asked, jogging backwards.
I chuckled, pointing to a spot on the other side of the yard that was visible in the spotlight shining from the porch.
“Over there! I’m going to toss this to you. Murphy loves this game. When you catch it throw it right back,” I instructed, feeling an almost indescribable joy.
“Okay. I’ll throw it back to you after I catch it,” Flynn confirmed, repeating back to me the directions I had just given him.
“Right. Throw it back after you catch it.” I knew he needed the repetition to ensure he understood. Patience wasn’t my strong suit, yet with Flynn I found that I had it in spades. Anyone else I would have barked my orders and hurled insults if they didn’t get it. Anyone else and I wouldn’t be bothering to play fetch in the dark.
But this wasn’t anyone else.
And experience had established that my usual just didn’t apply with Flynn.
I threw the ball as fast as I could and watched as Murphy bounded after it. Flynn caught it and then fumbled, dropping it to the ground.
“Get it, Flynn! Hurry!” I yelled, laughing as I watched him wrestle with the dog for the ball. But Murphy was tenacious and he was the one walking away victorious. He trotted up the hill and lay down beneath the old apple tree, gnawing on the ball. If dogs could smile, Murphy was grinning like a fool.
“He’s strong,” Flynn grumbled, wiping canine salvia off his hands in the grass. He made a face and held his palms out away from his body. I pulled a tissue out of my back pocket and took one of his hands gently and slowly wiped his skin clean.
He didn’t pull away. He stayed perfectly still until I was finished and had tucked the tissue back in my pocket.
I was standing so close to him that I could smell the clean tang of his soap. I could see every strand of his thick, dark hair in the moonlight. The sloping curve of his lips and the dip of his neck where it met his shoulders beneath his long sleeved shirt.
Flynn was looking at the ground, his hands now gripped in front of him in a tight knot. His chest was rising and falling rapidly but he wasn’t backing away.
We were only a few inches apart. If I reached out I could wrap my arm around him. If I leaned in, I could kiss him. I could lay my head on his shoulder.
I swallowed around the lump that had taken up residence in my throat. The air hummed with awareness. And I could tell by the tension in Flynn’s shoulders and the tightness in his jaw that he felt something too.
And he still wasn’t moving…
“Can we try that again? I won’t let him get the ball this time,” Flynn said suddenly, breaking our trance.
I licked my dry lips and could only nod. Words had failed me.
“Let me get it. No sense in getting your hands covered with dog drool again,” I said, giving him, what I hoped, was a convincing smile.
Flynn peeked up at me through the long strands of his hair and returned my smile with a shaky one of his own.
Something had happened in those few seconds that had changed everything.
I just didn’t know what.
I crept back over to Murphy who was now watching me warily as I approached. His tail started thumping the grass behind him, his large paws holding on to the ball in front of him.
“Hey big boy,” I crooned, grinning as his tail started wagging wildly. I dropped down onto the ground beside him and scratched behind his ears. Out of all the dogs for Flynn to take home, he had adopted the one I loved the most. The one I had connected with in a way I had never been able to connect with another living thing. Except for Flynn.
And now they were making a home together. They would keep each other company. They would love each other. And I wished like hell I could be a part of that. I wanted to be included in the tiny family Flynn had created by bringing Murphy here.
There were those damn tears again. That smelly dog and frustrating man were reducing me to a sniveling mess.
I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand, wiping away the wetness that had escaped behind my eyelids, and grabbed the ball while Murphy was still enjoying his ear scratches.
I jumped to my feet and ran. The huge beast lumbered after me, his tongue lolling out of his mouth.
“Over here, Ellie! I’ll catch it!” Flynn hollered, waving his arms over his head. I threw the ball in his direction.
“In coming!” I screamed, doubling over in fits of laughter as Murphy took off after it, colliding with Flynn, sending them both to the ground.
A few seconds later, Murphy trotted off, once again victorious.
Flynn sat up and held his hands up in the air. “I give up. He’s too strong for me!”
I joined him on the grass, the dirt cool beneath me. “Yeah, he’s one tough pooch,” I conceded, watching the dog in question with blatant affection.
“That was fun,” Flynn grinned, slowly stretching his legs out in front of him but he was careful not to touch the grass. He folded his hands in his lap, looking rigid and uncomfortable.
“Yeah it was. I needed that,” I said, my voice sounding loud all of a sudden. I cleared my throat and looked up toward the house. It was lit up like a Christmas tree. Lights were on in every window. It looked warm and inviting, just like it always had.
Flynn fidgeted. I looked down at him and he was trying to situate himself so he could be more relaxed.
“We don’t have to sit on the ground. You have some perfectly nice benches that we can use,” I told him.
He shook his head. “No. Kevin says I should make myself experience new things. Things that I don’t like or that make me anxious.”
I smirked. “And sitting on the ground is a new experience?” I scoffed.
“I don’t like the feel of the grass. It’s rough. It’s itchy. I hate it,” he mumbled, rubbing his hands together.
Sometimes I could almost forget that there was anything unusual about Flynn. He had obviously worked hard over the years to suppress his more troublesome traits. Sure he was still awkward and said things that the rest of the world would only think in their heads. But his honesty was refreshing. It was nice knowing where you stood with someone instead of constantly second-guessing.
But then there times like this, when it was impossible to ignore how much he struggled in his day-to-day life. I was in awe of the man who was sat beside me, trying not to freak out because the grass was scratching his skin.
I thought I had it tough. I had lived so long in my egocentric bubble that I had forgotten that there were other people in the world who fought battles a lot more brutal than mine.
Flynn reminded me that fighting had to always be an option.
“Can you lie back on the grass, Flynn?” I asked him. He looked at me like I was crazy.
“There are bugs in the grass, Ellie. They’ll crawl in my hair. They can get in my ears.” He sounded as though he were on the verge of a full-blown panic attack.
I needed to try this another way.
I pointed upwards and tilted my head back. “Look up then,” I said in hushed tones.
Flynn obeyed and tilted his head back.
“What do you see?” I asked him.
Flynn was quiet, his eyes trained on the sky above him. Finally he answered in an equally quiet voice.
“I see the universe.”
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
Flynn looked over at me and I met his eyes. And he held them. He didn’t look away. “Yes. It’s beautiful.”
I felt myself flush. I cleared my throat. “Can I touch you?” I asked.
Flynn was quiet for a long time and I didn’t think he was going to answer me. But finally he nodded. A slight incline of his head giving me permission.
I gently placed my fingers on his chin, turning his face back up to the night sky. “If you watch long enough you’ll see a falling star. Have you ever seen a falling star before?”
Flynn shook his head. “No. I haven’t,” he whispered.
“Well, let’s look for one. They’re supposed to be good luck, you know. And I don’t know about you, but I could use a little luck in my life,” I mused.
And we sat there, the night wrapping us in its safe and silent arms, watching the stars wink and shine above us. After a while, I reached over and took Flynn’s shoulders in my hands. “Keep watching the stars,” I murmured as I pulled him back onto the grass with me.
He didn’t protest. His body tensed for a moment and I thought he’d sit back up. But after a few seconds, I felt him relax. I moved as close to him as I thought he’d allow. And we continued to watch the twinkling worlds in the sky.
“I saw one!” Flynn gasped, pointing. I followed his finger but didn’t see it.
“Looks like the good luck is all on you then,” I remarked lightly. Flynn’s hand clasped mine and I hissed in a breath as he brought it up to his lips. With an excruciating slowness he kissed my knuckles. His actions timid and unsure.
My heart fluttered madly.
“Is that okay?” he asked, his breath hot on my palm.
“Yes,” I croaked.
Flynn pressed his mouth to my hand again, this time a little harder and a little longer.
“Your skin feels nice,” he said, my hand still touching his face.
“Your lips feel nice on my skin,” I breathed.
“I’ve never done this before,” he let out in a rush.
I rolled my head to the side and watched him as he continued to watch the sky and kiss my hand. “You’ve never done what?”
He carefully placed my hand on his chest. Over his heart. He turned his head to look at me. His green eyes dark in the shadows but as bright as the stars.
“Kissed a girl. Touched a girl. I’ve never done anything,” he admitted and I was more than a little shocked. Sure he was different, but that didn’t change the fact that Flynn was beautiful. There had to have been a girl at college, somewhere, who could see the amazing man he was beneath his awkward exterior.
“You’ve never kissed anyone? No one has ever touched you like this?” I asked, lifting my hand from his chest and lightly stroking my fingers down the length of his cheek.
I watched as his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down with the force of his swallow. I rested my hand at the hollow of his throat, feeling the frantic beat of his heart beneath my fingertips.
“I don’t like people touching me. It makes me feel strange. I get nervous.”
Was he telling me to stop?
I started to lift my hand but he grabbed it with a sudden aggression that startled me. He gripped my hand tightly in his. He closed his eyes, frowning as though in pain.
“I like it when you touch me,” he said in an agonized whisper.
I wriggled my fingers free and brought them back to his face. “I’ll be careful Flynn. I promise.”
I traced the curve of his lips and my breath became labored. How could just touching his mouth affect me so much?
“I know you will, Ellie. I trust you.”
That made me stop.
He trusted me.
This incredible man trusted me! Ellie McCallum. I was hateful. I was inconsiderate. I had thought nothing of making him the brunt of my juvenile cruelty. I had grown up to become a woman who cared nothing for anyone or anything. To me, people had always been disposable. No one was worth the effort it took to love and open myself up.
I was hated. I was feared. I was barely tolerated by the people I considered friends.
And yet Flynn Hendrick trusted me.
The power of those words wasn’t lost on me. He had given me something infinitely precious without even realizing it. He offered it without a second thought to who he was giving it to.
Because Flynn was pure. He was untainted. He was good.
And this man trusted me.
I slowly wrapped my hand around the side of his neck, my fingers curling up into his hair. I heard Flynn’s sharp intake of breath as I pressed myself against the length of him. Our bodies were touching from chest to toes.
My breath mingled with his and his eyes squeezed shut. I couldn’t ask him to open his eyes. As much as I wanted him to look at me, to see me, I knew instinctively that it would be too much.
“Is it alright if I kiss you, Flynn?” I asked, caressing the skin below his ear in slow, soothing circles with my thumb.
“Yes,” he let out in a voice barely loud enough for me to hear.
But I heard him. In the depths of my heart I would always be able to hear him.
I leaned in and touched his lips with mine. I didn’t move. I didn’t kiss him. I let him get used to the feel of my mouth. If he wanted to pull back, now would be the time. Before I let go and kissed him the way I wanted to.
He was breathing noisily through his nose. The air whooshed in and out so fast I was a bit worried he’d hyperventilate.
“Is this okay?” I asked, my lips brushing against his.
He didn’t answer me. He only nodded.
So I closed my eyes and pressed my mouth firmer. And then I was kissing him.
I started slow, as difficult as that was for me. Delicate pecks against his mouth as he worked out what he was supposed to do. Light caresses. Soft touches.
It felt like forever before he finally started to respond and kiss me back. His tender, innocent grazes stoked a fire inside of me that I didn’t even know existed. I tentatively licked his lower lip and he shuddered.
I licked him again, this time pressing between his lips. He clenched his teeth together as though to bar my entry. I pulled back slightly and rubbed the back of his neck.
“Please let me taste you,” I begged. If he pulled away now I didn’t know what I’d do. I’d most likely crumble into a heap of sexual frustration and never get up again.
“I want to taste you too,” he whispered and then his tongue was arching out to meet mine. I sealed my lips over his and I taught him how to kiss me like he wanted to devour.
For someone who was so new to this whole kissing thing, he picked up the basics surprisingly fast. The man was a natural. He sucked on my tongue and I couldn’t control my deep, guttural moan. I instantly froze, worried my primal response would send him scrambling.
I was pleasantly shocked when it had the opposite effect. Flynn brought his hands up and pressed his palms into my back. He dug his fingers into my flesh and I felt as though he were trying to burrow his way inside. His mouth was hot and hurried.
But I could only go so far. And I wanted to scream with the irony of that. I had finally found a man I wanted to share all of myself with but he wasn’t ready for me to do that.
Because I wanted to grope. I wanted to stroke. I wanted to rip his clothes off and run my hands over his smooth, hard body. But I couldn’t.
This was the first step and I couldn’t venture any further. Even if the ache between my thighs was threatening to reach an earth shattering crescendo.
So after a few minutes, I forced myself to pull back. I didn’t want to and I could tell Flynn didn’t want me to either. His lips reached out for mine again, his fingers turning to claws as he gripped me tightly. I chuckled as I leaned backwards, placing a finger over his mouth.
“Let me catch my breath,” I pleaded. Because if I didn’t take a minute, I’d push him for more. I had officially become the dude in our scenario.
“But I want to kiss you a lot. I liked that,” he pouted and I couldn’t help but kiss him one more time. But when he tried to deepen it, I pulled away and rolled onto my back.
We were quiet for a long time. I threw my arm over my eyes and tried to dampen my raging hormones. I was more turned on by Flynn’s kisses than I had ever been by having sex with the countless guys that had come before him.
The only sound was our raspy breathing. It was a comfortably intimate moment, lying in the grass, our arms barely touching, lost in the waves of a passion I could barely believe was real.
“Was it okay? Did you like it?” Flynn asked and I could hear the thread of doubt in his voice. His normally flat tone was tinged with worry.
I lowered my arm and rolled back on my side so that I was facing him again. His eyes were trained on the sky so I reached out and placed my hand on his chest.
“I loved it, Flynn. It was amazing,” I said truthfully. I hoped he could recognize my sincerity. I hoped, just this once, he understood the real emotion in my tone and inflection. Because what I wanted to say but couldn’t was so much more profound than that.
I love you, Flynn.
“Good, because I want to do that again.” Flynn grinned and squeezed my hand before sitting up.
I couldn’t help but laugh.
Flynn whistled for Murphy who came galloping across the yard with his long, clumsy strides. His large body collided with Flynn, who caught him around the middle.
He touched and cuddled the creature so easily. One day I hoped he touched me with such easy affection.
“I’m freezing. I have banana bread inside. Come have some,” Flynn stated, getting to his feet and systematically wiping grass from his pants and shirt. It was never a question. Flynn only gave commands.
And for once I didn’t feel oppositional when told to do something. My need to defy was tucked away quietly. This time I was happy to comply.
So I followed the man who had stolen my heart and stitched up my soul into the house of our shared childhood. Where I could remember the person I had almost been.
And just maybe I could be her now.