-Ellie-
“Where’s Murphy?” I asked Erin after arriving at the animal shelter later that afternoon.
Flynn had walked me to the Dunlop building and had let go of my hand.
“I have to go,” he said.
“Thanks for coming with me,” I had responded but he hadn’t heard me. He was already walking away.
I had met with Professor Au, another English teacher at Black River Community College and I told her of the classes Professor Smith had suggested. She had agreed they seemed like good options. I needed to make another appointment at the financial aid office to finalize the grants to cover the costs.
Then Professor Au had asked me, “Will you be looking to transfer to a four-year school for the fall?”
And even despite Flynn’s pep talk and the huge step I had taken by confirming my continued enrollment for next semester, I just couldn’t commit to anything beyond that.
So I had brushed off her question in my brash, rough way and our meeting had ended shortly after that.
But I felt good. I had been given some cautious optimism. And that was a hell of a lot more than I had ever had before.
I was in good spirits when I arrived at the animal shelter for my volunteer hours. I needed some fur and slobber and puppy adoration. It was with a dawning grief that I found his cage empty.
I knew that he was scheduled to be euthanized next week, though I had purposefully kept this out of my mind. I didn’t want to think about my big beautiful dog being put to sleep. But I couldn’t commit to bringing him home with me, as much as I cared for him.
Not now with my future so up in the air. Not when I was being pulled in so many different directions.
Murphy deserved better than my flaky selfishness.
Erin came up behind me and put a hand on my shoulder. I tensed and instantly pulled away. Her sympathy smothering me.
I was too late.
Murphy was gone. And I could have saved him. Once again my inability to make the right choices had cost me something that mattered.
“He was adopted,” Erin said and I was so lost in hating myself that I didn’t register her words right away.
When it finally dawned on me what she had said I felt my chest constrict.
“What did you say?” I demanded.
Erin chuckled but didn’t touch me again, though I knew it was killing her not to pat my back. She was the touchy feely type.
“Apparently someone came in over the weekend and adopted him. I saw the paperwork on my desk when I got here this morning.”
“He was adopted? He wasn’t put down?” I asked, needing the clarification.
Erin shook her head and smiled. “Nope, he was really adopted.”
She was already heading back to her office so I followed her. “Who adopted him? Can I see?” I asked.
“I’ve already put the information in the system and shredded the paper.” She looked at me with that goddamned sympathetic stare of hers again. “You know, it really doesn’t matter who adopted him, it’s that he was adopted. He found a home,” she said.
“But how do you know he went to a good home? What if they aren’t nice people? What if they hurt him?” I was feeling more than a little panicked. I thought about Murphy and his soft, loving eyes and laughing mouth. What if his new owners were a*sholes?
“I’m sure they’ll love him as much as you do,” Erin said and I drew myself upright.
“Don’t get carried away, Erin, I just want to make sure he went to a good home, is all,” I blustered, hating that she called me out on my feelings.
What was wrong with me lately?
But she was right. I loved Murphy. And even though, deep down, I was happy he had been adopted and I wouldn’t have to face the prospect of him being euthanized, it still hurt knowing he’d found a home with someone that wasn’t me. Even though I had the opportunity to give it to him and hadn’t because of my inability to commit to anything.
But that was the story of my freaking life.
Erin grinned at me like she had just learned some big secret. Instead of growling at her like one of the dogs in the shelter behind me, I turned on my heel and stalked off.
Murphy being gone left a huge gaping hole in my chest. I enjoyed the other dogs. Some of them were pretty damn cute, but they weren’t Murphy. And I hated how attached I had become to the fur ball.
I caught myself obsessing about his new family. I thought maybe I could get into Erin’s computer and see who they were. I had to stop myself from attempting it several times during my shift.
Because Erin was right. The who really didn’t matter. He had gotten out. Someone had wanted him. They had given him a home when I couldn’t.
I had to be okay with that.
I felt heavy when I left the animal shelter later that night. I was supposed to go by Dania’s to hang out but I wasn’t feeling up to it. I wanted to go home and curl into a ball and sleep until I could wake up and feel semi-normal again.
As if reading my mind, my phone chirped in my pocket and I pulled it out to see a text from Dania. We had maintained a tentative truce since our argument. It wasn’t the first time I had resented how she expected me to apologize for her behavior. But it was the first time I couldn’t let it go.
I had always been able to tell myself that Dania was family. I could repeat the same facts over and over to make myself feel better. She had helped me when no one else had. She was there for me when I needed her after being sent to juvie. She had my back, always. Blah, blah, blah.
But now those words felt hollow and fake. And I was beginning to see the massive holes in our friendship.
I opened the text and saw a picture of Dania holding a bottle of vodka and Shane licking the side of her neck. The text read, Get over here bitch!
I thought about texting her back and giving an excuse but I knew that would never fly and I didn’t have the energy for another round of fend off Dania’s crazy.
I wrapped myself up in my I don’t give a shit shield and made my way to Dania’s apartment. I knocked on the door and tried not to sigh as I heard the sounds of laughter and loud music on the other side.
It was only seven o’clock and it seemed Dania had a party in full swing. I heard a door open down the hallway and an older woman poked her head out.
“You a friend of hers?” she asked, pointing to Dania’s door.
I thought about denying our relationship.
No ma’am, I’m just selling Bibles.
“Yeah,” I said, already knowing what she was going to say.
“Then you tell her to turn her damn music down. I’m sick and tired of banging on the wall,” the elderly lady wagged her finger and glared at me as though I were the one being a public menace.
“Sure thing,” I said just as she slammed her door closed. I rolled my eyes. It was no wonder Dania was being evicted. She most certainly didn’t understand what it meant to be a respectful neighbor.
Hell, she didn’t know what it meant to be a respectful anything.
The door swung open showing a scantily clothed Reggie. Her short brown hair was sticking out on all sides of her head and from the glassy focus of her eyes, I knew she was on something.
“Ellie…” she slurred, pulling me inside. I took in the usual crowd of people. Some weren’t nearly as inebriated as Reggie, but it was clear that they had been at it for a while.
“Here!” Reggie shoved a shot glass in my hand. Normally I would down it without a second thought. But I wasn’t in the mood to party. I was feeling edgy and I didn’t think alcohol would help with the situation.
Reggie stumbled off and soon I was absorbed into the party.
It was soon pretty apparent that these get-togethers weren’t nearly as fun while sober. Danielle Davis, a girl who had graduated a year ahead of me was throwing up off the balcony. Shane was playing sexual predator with a girl who looked like she was barely out of high school.
I hadn’t seen Dania yet, not that I was making a huge effort to find her.
I deposited the still full shot glass on the coffee table and headed into the kitchen, hoping I’d find my best friend. Instead I was met by a group of tweaked out jackassess snorting crushed up pills off the phone book.
How many times had I seen this and it had never fazed me? Often I had joined in. Now, I curled my lip and retreated into the living room, disgusted.
I was surrounded by people I couldn’t stand.
I headed toward Dania’s bathroom. I wanted a few minutes to myself. I needed to think of an excuse to leave. Something that I wouldn’t get crap for later.
But I opened the door to find Dania f*cking Stu on top of the toilet. Her pregnant belly bulged outward while Stu groped her tits.
“Shit, I’m sorry,” I said holding my hand up so I could shield my eyes. I’d need to bleach my brain later.
Dania rolled her head to the side to find me trying to back out the door without throwing up.
“Ells!” she shrieked, her eyes unfocused, her speech slurred. She climbed off Stu’s lap and ran over, throwing her arms around me. She seemed unconcerned by the fact that she was completely naked.
“F*cking hell, Dania!” Stu yelled. He started stroking his dick while I was standing there. “Now, I’ve got take care of this myself,” he growled. Dania giggled.
This was wrong. So very, very wrong.
I pulled away from Dania and stumbled backwards. I needed to get out of there. I couldn’t do this.
Not anymore.
“Where are you going?” Dania asked, following me out into the living room.
There was laughter and catcalls as she flashed the entire party. She put her hand on her hip and struck a pose. It was obscene.
I stared hard at her stomach, thinking about the baby that lived in there. The baby she was hurting with her selfish behavior.
She wasn’t thinking about the person she was supposed to protect. She was throwing away his life, just like her mother had done to her.
And mine had done the day she had walked out and left me alone to fend for myself.
In that moment I hated Dania.
I really f*cking hated her.
“I’ve got to go,” I said and hurried back to the front door.
I could hear Dania’s laughter as I fled.
I slammed the door behind me and leaned back against it heavily. The vibrations of the music rattled my bones just as my thoughts rattled my brain.
I had made a million excuses for Dania. For my friends. For the way we lived our lives.
How could I do that? How could I stand there and say I don’t give a shit?
I had been numb for so damn long.
But every day, every hour, the deep emotional freeze was beginning to thaw.
And it hurt.
It was excruciating.
But it made me feel strong.
I gripped my keys in my hand and headed out to my car.
I didn’t know where I was going but I knew where I wouldn’t be.
And that was here. Stuck. Never changing.
It was time to do something about it.