40
QUADRAGINTA
Finn
I fly over the trails, skidding up the path, with my sister right behind me. I don’t stop until I reach the cliffs, because God, I have to end it. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t hide it. She has to know She has to know She has to know.
I can’t take it anymore.
She has to know.
“Finn!” Calla calls out. I turn around slowly, and I can hardly stomach the look on Calla’s face. She’s in so much pain, and I’m causing it.
It’s me.
It’s me.
It’s me.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you, Cal,” I tell her quietly, every word hurting my heart. “I just can’t take it anymore. The voices… they’re louder than my own. They tell me to do things, and I can’t tune them out. I don’t want you to hurt anymore. And I don’t want me to hurt. You’re a part of me and I’m a part of you and we shouldn’t have to hurt.”
Calla freezes, her hand in the air, because she hears the desperation in my voice.
“The secret is killing me, Cal,” I tell her. I sound desperate and weak and pathetic. “I can’t take it. It’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to me.”
“What is your secret, Finn?” she asks slowly, careful not to approach me. “Can you back away from the edge and tell me?”
I laugh, a hysterical sound, like a deranged hyena.
I’m unhinged unhinged unhinged.
I’ve come unhinged.
“Aren’t you tired of talking me off the edge?” I demand. “Aren’t you? Aren’t you tired of balancing on these cliffs and being afraid that we’ll tumble over the edge? I know I am. This isn’t life, Calla. This isn’t living. Love is stronger than death, Cal and this isn’t living.”
Her breath is loud, and I hear Dare coming up behind her, but he takes her cue and doesn’t say a word.
“It is living,” she says. “It’s living because I love you. I’ll do anything for you. You’re part of me, and I’m part of you and that’s the way it works. Please, God, please… don’t do this, Finn. Don’t do this.”
She’s crying now, shivering in the wind with her tears, but I feel lighter than I’ve felt in ages. In weeks. In months.
“It’ll all be ok, Calla,” I tell her. “It’ll be over soon.”
I smile and tilt my face toward the sky.
The sun feels good on my face.
Warmth = Life.
“No,” Calla cries out, lunging toward me, but I step backward.
“Don’t move,” I tell her. “Or I’ll do it right now.”
“Why are you doing this?” she sobs, her blazing red hair whipping around her from the wind. “Why, Finn?”
“Because things have to happen in order,” I tell her, as calmly as I can, only it sounds like I’m shouting. “You weren’t moving in order, Calla. I had to make you. This is how I’m making you. My secret. I’m helping you, you just don’t see it.”
“What is your secret?” she shrieks, tears falling onto her nose, her mouth, her shirt. “Tell me and I’ll help you, Finn. Save me and I’ll save you, remember? Let me save you!”
She’s sobbing and I am too and I can’t tell the difference between us anymore.
DoItDoItDoIt! The voices chant. JumpJumpJumpJump. Show her show her show her.
“Shut up!” I shout, covering my ears. “I tried, Calla. I tried. But I can’t do this anymore. Not even for you.”
I picture my list in my head, because it’s the only thing that drowns out the voices. It’s a clean page without mar or smudge. In my head, I carefully write the words, then cross them off because I’m about to complete my task. Finally.
End it now.
“I love you,” I tell my sister. I step back.
“Nooooo!”
The harsh shout breaks through my concentration and I pause on the edge, with the wind blowing through me, because the voice wasn’t Calla’s. It was Dare’s.
Confused, I look up to find Dare standing exactly where Calla had just been.
Red hair blows around my shoulders while my shoes balance on the edge.
Pink converses.
They should be black.
“Calla, step away from the edge,” Dare pleads. “Please.”
Calla, step away from the edge.
What the hell?
I stare at Dare, balanced precariously, as I try and sort through what is happening with jagged, phrenetic thoughts. The pieces fly apart and whirl and come back together, forming partially cohesive thoughts. Through all of it, though, one thing is clear.
Finn isn’t here.
I’m standing on the edge where Finn had just been. Panic and confusion seize me, as I whirl about, hunting for my brother, but already knowing something deep down.
I finally know Finn’s secret.
He’s not here.
He never was.