35
TRIGENTA QUINQUE
My swollen lips part and I stare at him, at the face I love, at the lips that just spoke words from my dream.
It’s impossible.
Yet it’s not.
“You… there’s something….” my voice trails off and he looks at me questioningly, a smile lingering on his lips, the after effects of something beautiful.
Something that’s now tarnished by ugliness.
By confusion.
“You said I’m better than you deserve,” I say shakily, not wanting to speak the truth, because the truth sounds crazy. “Why would you say that?”
He shrugs. “Because you’re soft and honest and beautiful. You’re better than I deserve.”
“But why?” I demand persistently, refusing his answer. “You must have a reason.”
He shakes his head, still staring, still questioning.
“It doesn’t make sense,” I tell him.
“Life doesn’t make sense sometimes, Cal,” is his only reply. He takes his hand away now, the warmth gone from me, and my fingers turn instantly cool with the breeze.
It’s his turn to examine me, to study me in the breeze.
“Do you feel ok?” he asks hesitantly. “Are you… do you… you seem different.”
I shake my head. “I’m just the same. I just… those words stood out to me somehow, like I’ve heard them before, like you’ve said them before.”
If I didn’t know better, I’d say he turned pale. He shakes his head slowly, with such a strange expression on his face.
“Do you know why?” he asks strangely, an odd glint in his eye, his beautiful lips pulled tight.
“No. Do you?”
He gives me a droll look. “Why would I know your mind?” he asks vaguely, but his face tells a different story as an expression that puts my nerves on edge floods his face.
“How cryptic,” I murmur.
He shakes his head. “I’m not trying to be. It’s just… I thought… never mind. You’ve got enough to worry about right now without adding more to it.”
“Everyone has secrets,” I say blankly, my heart numb. He nods.
“Yeah. I guess.”
My blood is ice, my heart is heavy, my very being filled with terror and foreboding, when just a scant moment ago, I was filled with exquisite belonging. It’s been shattered now, by the sheer expression on Dare’s face.
“What are yours?” I ask calmly. “Your secrets, I mean. What are they, Dare? You’re hiding something and I know it. Just tell me.”
He looks sad as he looks away from me, and that terrifies me even more. My heart picks up a little as I wait, pounding in my chest, echoing in my temples.
He’s hiding something.
“I can’t tell you. Not right now. It’s not a good time.” His voice is expressionless, solemn.
“Will there ever be a good time?” I ask. He shrugs.
“I don’t know. I hope so.”
I don’t like that answer.
“We just… I… I trusted you,” I tell him limply. “And I know you’re keeping a secret and I know it affects me. I can’t…I can’t.”
I crawl off the slippery rocks and walk quietly back to the boat without another word. Lately, I feel more and more like I’m the crazy one, like I’m losing my mind, like the whole world is composed of secrets and I don’t have the slightest clue how to figure them out.
Dare follows me and lifts my hand to help me into the boat.
The quiet between us is loaded and charged and I don’t know why. I don’t know why I feel like I’m standing on a precipice and if I make one move, I’ll fall.
When we’re halfway across the bay, Dare sits straight up.
“Let’s go to your little cove,” he suggests softly.
He sits on the hull, his shirtless chest gleaming in the dying light, his eyes vulnerable and hopeful and I can’t say no.
Instead, I just wordlessly steer toward the cove and wedge the boat on the sand. I don’t know why, I just don’t want to stay here. I have to move. I have to think. I have to try and stay sane, because it feels like I’m fraying.
I don’t know why.
All I know is… I suddenly feel lost.
Dare holds my hand as we walk through the water, to the enclosed little inlet that I so love. Without a word, I dig out the little bag holding the lighter and I make a little driftwood bonfire.
With the violet light surrounding us , we sit facing each other over a tide pool. The moon rises over the edge of the water and this place seems ethereal and peaceful and infinite.
“Do you trust me?” Dare asks seriously, his eyes ever-so-dark. He brushes a tendril of my hair behind my ear. “I mean, really trust me?”
I’m puzzled by that, by his uncertainty.
I’m scared by the hidden meaning of his words.
I reach up and trace the lines of his face, the cleft in his chin, the strong jaw, his forehead.
“Why wouldn’t I?” I ask finally. “Is there some reason I shouldn’t?”
“That’s not an answer,” he replies.
“Then yes,” I tell him quickly. “I trust you.”
Don’t I?
He stares into my eyes, his hands on my knees. “Would you still trust me if I told you that I want to tell you everything. That I want to spill all of my secrets, everything that you’ve been wondering about… but I can’t?”
There is genuine angst in his voice, and his face is pained and I can’t figure it out.
“Are you a mass murderer?” I ask, trying to lighten the mood, but it doesn’t work. His face doesn’t change.
“No. But there are things… that I wish I could say, but can’t.”
I drop my hand, stricken by the look in his eye.
“Like what?” I ask bluntly. “Just tell me right now. Tell me all the things, Dare.”
He ignores that.
“Do you believe me when I say I love you?” he asks instead, his fingers running along my cheek.
“I’m not sure why, but yeah. I believe you.”
He looks startled. “Why wouldn’t I love you?”
I shrug. Because no one else ever has.
Aside from my parents and Finn.
But I don’t say that.
Instead, I face him squarely. “You’re scaring me. If you love me, then you shouldn’t be afraid to tell me the truth… about anything. Tell me, Dare.”
He stares at me, pausing.
“I can’t. It’s about me… who I am. You wouldn’t understand.”
I stare back, my spine straightened like steel. “Try me.”
He shakes his head, firm. “I can’t.”
Despair like I’ve never felt it before settles around me like a cloud. I thought he was my anchor, but if he can’t trust me enough to tell me who he even is, then I can’t trust him with my heart.
Even I know that my heart is too fragile for that right now.
“That’s not good enough,” I tell him slowly, each word fighting my lips. I don’t want to say them, but I have to. I have to.
I have to do what is good for me. What is smart for me.
“I’ve got enough secrets around me at the moment… whatever Finn is hiding. And his drama. I can’t take it from you too, Dare. I just can’t. If you can’t tell me what is going on with you… then….” The pain breaks my voice off and tears well up in my eyes.
Dare doesn’t fold. He just stares at me, daring me to say it. Dare me.
“If I can’t tell you what’s going on with, then what?” he pushes.
“Then I can’t be with you. Not if you don’t trust me enough to let me in.”
Dare sighs and takes my hand, his thumb stroking mine, but I pull it away.
“I mean it.”
“You don’t understand,” Dare tells me, his voice harsh. “I’m doing this for you. To protect you. There are things you don’t know. You can’t know, not right now. I love you, Calla. I do. But you’ve got to trust me.”
“I only trust people who are honest with me,” I reply evenly. “You’re not being honest.”
For the life of me, I don’t know how we went from having an amazing day to this, in the blink of an eye. Dare looks confused too, and shell-shocked and unsure of what to do.
“God, I want to be,” he tell me, his voice razor sharp. “I’m in a bad position, Calla. You don’t understand.”
“I only understand one thing,” I tell him and my heart threatens to break. “And it’s that I can’t do this right now. If you ever decide that you’re ready for something else with me, that you want to grow up and be honest, come get me. Until then, leave me alone.”
I get up and walk down the beach, fighting the urge to collapse at every step. What did I just do? Am I insane? I feel Dare watching me, I feel his gaze, and against my will, I glance over my shoulder.
He’s staring at me and the look in his eyes tears my insides apart. There’s pain there, raw, honest pain, and that’s all I can see. It swirls around and around, and then the stars whirl and suddenly, the world spins.
It’s too much to handle.
Anyone would crack.
So I do.