39
TRIGENTA NOVEM
Calla
When I open my eyes, I immediately focus on Dare sitting next to me.
He’s sprawled in the recliner, his eyes closed, his hands gripping the armrests. He’s long and slender and lithe. He’s beautiful and dark and here.
He’s here.
I take a deep breath and blink to make sure I wasn’t imagining it.
He’s still there.
“Dare,” my whisper is throaty and raw. I figure he won’t hear me, but he does. His eyes fly open and meet mine.
And then he’s out of his chair and on his knees next my bed, his forehead pressed to mine.
“Cal,” he says, his lips brushing my skin. “Thank God.”
“How are you here?” I ask in confusion. “Did my dad…”
Dare nods. “You asked him to call me, and he did.”
Bless him. A surge of gratitude rushes through me. “Where is he? Is he with Finn?”
“I don’t know,” Dare answers. “I told him I would sit with you until he came back, though.”
I close my eyes and inhale him, his musky outdoorsy smell. “Don’t leave me,” I tell him. “Please. You promised once, remember?”
He nods. “I do. And I won’t. Don’t tell me to again.”
I nod. I won’t.
He strokes my hand, his fingers smooth. “What do you remember, Cal?”
“Finn made me a plate,” I tell him. “I took three bites and then realized that there were nuts. Pecans.”
Dare closes his eyes. “You’re lucky to be here,” he tells me without opening them. “Your dad said even one nut could kill you. You barely made it to the ER.”
“But I did,” I remind him. “I’m here now. Please don’t let them keep Finn. He didn’t mean to hurt me. I know he didn’t. He would never….”
But Dare sits up and rocks back on his heels. “I don’t know what they’re going to do,” he says vaguely. “It’s not up to me.”
I close my eyes, pain ripping through my chest. “Maybe you were right. Maybe I do need to leave here. Maybe I’m a crutch for him… or maybe I’m even a worry for him. He hates that I’m sad about mom. Maybe he just wanted to end my grief. If I left, he could focus on himself… not on me.”
“And you could focus on yourself,” Dare adds. I open my eyes and his face is so tired, so drawn. I reach out and touch it, my blue hospital bracelet sliding down my forearm. When did I lose weight? My arms are so skinny.
“I trust you,” I blurt suddenly. “I trust you to tell me about yourself whenever you’re ready.”
Dare flinches now. “It’s not about me being ready. It’s just… I can’t add to your burden, Cal. After this, can’t you see that?”
This. My burden. My brother trying to kill me.
Will it never end?
“I’m sorry for all of this,” I tell him quietly as I stare at his tired face. “I’m sorry that my life is crazy.”
He looks around and shudders. “You almost died, Calla.”
“I was handling it,” I defend myself and Finn. “Finn needs me. I was handling it.”
“Were you?” Dare raises an eyebrow. I look away.
“His journal is in my bedroom. As soon as I get out of here, I’ve got to finish it. I just feel, somehow, that it’s the key. I’ve got to read it all.”
Dare stares at me, his gaze as dark as night.
“Are you sure?”
I nod. “I’m positive. I’ve been reading it bits at a time, but it’s time that I finish it. Do you know when they’re letting me out?”
Dare shakes his head. “I don’t know. I think they said maybe in the morning, depending on how you’re doing. You were really upset last night.”
“Of course I was!” I snap. “They’re going to lock my brother away.”
Dare stares at me, sympathetic.
“Do what they say today, and I’m sure they’ll let you out in the morning.”
I nod and he holds my hand.
“What if I decide that I want to move to Berkeley early?” I ask him before I go to sleep.
He squeezes my fingers. “Then I’ll go with you.”
“And if I want to stay here?”
“Then I’ll stay with you.”
“No matter what?”
“No matter what.”
That’s all I need to hear. Peace fills me up and I fall asleep. And in the morning, they let me go.
“I want to ride with Dare,” I tell my father.
Dad stares at me, his eyes at once sad and resigned.
“Ok.”
“And if Dare wants to rent the Carriage House again, I want you to let him.”
He nods.
“Anything else?” His voice is brittle.
“Yes. I love you.” I throw my arms around his neck because even if he interfered where he shouldn’t have, he did it because he loves me. When he pulls away, his eyes are misty.
“Go on, then. I’ll be home after while.”
“Can I see Finn before I go?”
He stares at me regretfully. “I’m afraid not.”
I nod, a lump forming in my throat.
“Will you bring him home with you?”
“I’ll try,” he promises.
That’ll have to be enough.
Dare walks me out of the hospital and to his bike, handing me my helmet. I wrap myself around his waist and we ride with the wind in our faces.
Freedom has never felt so good.
LIVE FREE. I understand that phrase now more than I thought I ever could.
When we get home, Dare pauses.
“I want to stay with you when you read the journal. Is that ok?”
He’s hesitant and sweet as he lingers on the bottom step of my porch. I’m self-conscious that he thinks I’m so fragile, but I nod anyway.
“Ok.”
He follows me to my room and sits at my desk while I curl up on my bed.
“Just pretend I’m not here,” he advises.
I shake my head, but that’s exactly what I do.
I ignore the sexy British heartthrob sitting two feet from me, and instead, focus on saving my brother.
To do that, I dive into his journal. I’ve only got a quarter of it left to read. I begin skimming through it, and it weaves its way back and forth between being lucid and crazy.
Ignore her.
Ignore it all.
Deus adiuva me. God help me. Me. Me.
God help me.
Nocte liber sum.
By night I am free.
I have to protect my secret. Have to have to have to.
This gibberish continues for pages, with pictures and phrases and words, until I come to one particular page. There’s a drawing of me and Finn, sitting on top of the cliffs. Finn is throwing his medallion over the side.
She needs it now. Not me not me not me.
Protect her from me. Protect her from me.
Protect her from me.
Love is stronger than death than death than death.
Love is stronger than death.
End this end this end this.
End this all.
Please god.
Please.
“Protect her from me,” I whisper, ice water pumping through my veins. “Finn knew he was going to do something to me. He was afraid of it. He kept trying to give me his St. Michael’s medallion to protect me. But I kept giving it back.”
I feel limp and shell-shocked as I stare at Dare.
“He knew he was going to hurt me. He couldn’t help it.”
Dare’s eyes are stormy. “So he gave you the nuts to protect you?”
I nod, the knowledge cutting through me to my heart. “He’d never hurt me. He only wanted to help me. It’s the only way he knew how in the state he’s in.”
“Have you figured out his secret?” Dare’s question is solemn. I shake my head.
“No. He keeps referencing it. He says I have to protect my secret. But he doesn’t say what it is.”
Dare opens his mouth to speak, but Finn’s voice is louder, thunderous, coming from the door.
“What are you doing with my journal?” he demands, his skin pale and his blue eyes paler. His expression is stormy though, furious. “You said you couldn’t find my journal, Calla. Did you have it all along? Did you hide it from me?”
I stammer, trying to form a reply, but he won’t let me.
“This is bullshit, Calla,” he snaps. “I’ve been killing myself with guilt and trying to figure out a way to help you, and you’ve been going behind my back all along.”
He stands still, so furious that he’s shaking. “You want to know my secret?” he asks, icily calm now. I nod, terrified. “Then come find out.”
He whirls around and storms out, down the stairs and out the door. I’m stunned for a minute, then I leap to my feet. I can hear Dare on my heels as I rush to follow my brother.