Never lose sight of the things that make sense.
~ Romeo’s Quest
December came with a heavy supply of snowfall. Ryan and Rebecca hadn’t spoken a word to one another since the big fight. It’d been weeks since Ryan’s been tapping his fake cigarette box against his leg.
Jake was having a party tonight, and I wasn’t looking forward to it at all. But I was going for Ryan, who hadn’t stopped talking about our fake IDs since we’d gotten them. Plus, he really needed a night out, even though he was technically grounded.
Then there was my big issue that didn’t seem so big in the scheme of things, but in my heart, it was gigantic.
I missed Daniel. I hated the fact that I missed him so much, but I did. I cried in the shower sometimes. Other times I cried into my pillow. I also cried because I was certain he wasn’t tearing up over me.
Before heading home to meet Hailey and Ryan for the party, I stopped by the library to return my books—and I picked out another one to read in a corner at Jake’s house.
As I searched for my next read, I heard my name being called. “Ashlyn?”
I looked up to see a familiar face that made me want to cry even more because it was linked to Daniel. “Hey, Randy. How are you?” I whispered, hoping not to draw too much attention to the librarian.
He leaned his back against the bookshelf and I watched the novels rock slightly. My throat tightened at the idea of all of the pages and pages of stories crashing to the ground. “I’m good.” He held a book up. “Just picking up some song material. I haven’t seen you around lately. Did Dan and you get into a fight?”
No. More of a, ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ type thing.
“We aren’t seeing each other anymore.”
Randy looked generally surprised. “What?! He didn’t say anything about y’all breaking up.”
My heart twisted harshly in my chest.
That hurt.
“Yeah, well…” I gave him a strained grin. A bad taste developed in my mouth as I stood with Randy. I didn’t want to talk to him about Daniel. Especially about how Daniel wasn’t thinking of me.
Randy crossed his arms and leaned in toward me. “You misunderstood me, I think, Ashlyn. When Dan is hurting, he doesn’t talk about things. He closes himself off. And since his parents passed away, you have been the only thing that has been able to open him back up… Is it because of the student-teacher thing?”
My eyes shifted. How did Randy know about that? I thought Daniel didn’t want to tell anyone. “I don’t think we should talk about this.” For the first time since I’d met Randy, I really looked at him. His shaggy hair danced across the top of his eyebrows. His thin lips curved only halfway when he smiled, and his eyes were darker than a cave.
Randy narrowed his cave-colored eyes and pursed his lips together. “Ashlyn, are you all right? You look like you’re going to pass out.”
My knees almost buckled, but I placed my hand on the bookshelf to keep me steady. “I’m fine.”
He hiked his thumb back toward the library exit. “I can give you a ride home if you need it?”
“No, it’s fine.” I looked around, feeling extreme anxiety. He received another forced grin from me. “I gotta get going.”
“Yeah,” he said, holding up his books. “Me too. We have a show tonight. Take care, okay?”
Take care. Yeah right.
Heading back toward Henry’s house around four thirty, I narrowed my eyes when I saw Hailey crying on the steps while Ryan spun around on the front lawn in the snow.
“What’s going on?” I wondered out loud, moving in toward the house.
Ryan laughed when he saw me approaching him. He tossed his hands up into the air with the biggest smirk on his face. “I’m a walking statistic!” he screamed, racing over to me.
I gave him a short grin, not knowing what he was talking about but loving his overreacting nature. “What do you mean?” I asked, watching him jump up and down. He tossed my hands into his and started to spin me around, forcing me to jump up and down. I couldn’t help but laugh. “What the hell is going on, Ryan?!”
His deep chuckles filled the air and he bent over, grabbing his gut with laughter. “My mom went through my phone and found all of my text messages. From the Tonys! Holy shit! She cursed me, prayed for me, and then kicked me out. I’m eighteen, gay, and living out of my little sister’s car!” He smiled brightly and turned to Hailey, who was bawling her eyes out. “Thanks again for the keys, Hailey.”
My laughter came to a halt, and his continued on and on. “Oh my gosh, Ryan, that’s not funny…”
He had tears pouring from his eyes and he was shaking his head back and forth, louder laughter following. “I know! I know! But if I stop laughing, I’ll realize just exactly how f*cked up everything is. And I’ll realize how much I have this ever-loving need to stop breathing. There have been so many times in the past hour where I just wished to stop. So please…”
His laughter continued, but this time I could hear the fear in every chuckle, the pain in each sparkle of light. A sad smile fell from my lips and I laughed. I laughed with him as he spun me around in a circle. I waved Hailey over, and her hands were soaked with tears, but she took our hands and spun with us. Laughing, giggling, chuckling. My ribs started hurting after a while, but I wouldn’t stop, because if I stopped, I had this feeling that Ryan would instantly fall to the ground and his lungs would just give up.
And I was in desperate need of him to breathe.
Just breathe.
“We are not going to the party,” I ordered as I sat in the driver’s seat of Hailey’s car. Ryan was determined to go drown his problems away, but I had a strong feeling that was the worst thing he could do.
“Oh yes we are,” Ryan argued.
“No, we are not.”
“My mom just kicked me out of her house—I am going to a party tonight.”
Hailey came to the car with a few of Ryan’s things in a suitcase. She tossed it into the back seat and then slid into the car. “I only grabbed a few outfits. Because this is going to blow over.” She paused and looked at Ryan and me. “This is all going to blow over, right?”
Ryan looked at me and then toward the house. “You should go back inside, Hailey,” he sighed.
“What? No way! Mom is acting crazy!” she cried, tossing her hands up in annoyance. “I’m not leaving you.”
Ryan turned around to face his sister and he wrapped his hands around her head. “I’m not leaving you either.” He reached forward and kissed her forehead. “Now go inside because you’re too good for Theo. And too good to ditch Mom tonight.”
“But I hate her,” she frowned.
“Oh, don’t hate her because of her and my issues,” Ryan laughed. “Go tell her you’re a Buddhist, and then you can hate her for her reaction to that.”
Hailey laughed lightly and Ryan wiped away the tears falling from his younger sister’s eyes. “When I turn eighteen, I’m running away with you and Ashlyn.”
“We’ll move to California. You can become a yoga instructor. Ashlyn will be a bestselling author, and I’ll be a prostitute on Hollywood Boulevard.”
He made his sister laugh again, and I saw a small grin form on his face. Hailey sat up straight. “Go big or go home, right?”
Ryan nudged his sister in the shoulder. “Go home, Hails.”
She sighed and nodded. Her door opened and she smiled back to her brother. “I love—”
“You,” Ryan finished.
“Promise you’ll look after him, Ashlyn?”
I promised.
Henry walked out of the house after Hailey went inside. He looked my way, waving me over. “I’ll be right back, Ry.”
I climbed out of the car and moved over to Henry, crossing my arms. “What the hell happened?” I whispered, turning my back to Ryan.
Henry’s eyes were heavy as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Rebecca… She…” He lowered his head. “How’s Ryan doing?”
“As well as possible, I guess.”
Henry reached into his pocket and pulled out a wad of cash. “I have three hundred on me. Give it to Ryan for the weekend. I’ll look into finding an apartment for him.”
I took the cash from Henry and nodded. “She’s not going to change her mind, is she?”
“She blames him for their father’s death.” His fingers traced through his peppered beard. “This had nothing to do with Ryan being gay. It has everything to do with Rebecca never working through her own demons. She would’ve found a reason to kick him out regardless.”
I knew what it felt like to be kicked out when you needed someone the most. I thought back to my mom and the choice she’d made to ship me off to Henry’s. Then I paused, realizing how lucky I was to have somewhere to go. Ryan had no one, nowhere to turn.
“Stay close to him, all right? And check back in with me?” Henry asked.
“Yeah, okay.” I turned to move back toward the car and paused. “Thanks, Henry. For helping him.”
He gave a halfway smile and headed back inside.
I moved back to the car, climbed in, and put it in drive. “Where to, buddy?”
Ryan smiled and slumped down in his seat, pinning his shoes on the dashboard. His fingers were holding his fake ID. “To the liquor store!”