Lost.
~ Romeo’s Quest
I sat on the edge of the dock, watching the sun shine down on the lake. I felt defeated, tired, drained. It seemed that every time a moment of happiness appeared, the shadows came back to shallow it up. Life wasn’t fair, and I felt like a dumbass for thinking that it should be. But I wanted it to be. I needed life to be fair, just for a little while. Because I needed her.
Ashlyn was the only thing that fought away the darkness.
The footsteps heard behind me were heavy. I knew it was him before he even spoke. I was the one who’d called him and told him to meet me here.
“It feels weird being back here.” I turned to see Jace walking my way. His hands were stuffed in his pockets. He walked over and sat next to me. “I haven’t been back since Mom…” His words faded. He placed his fingers in the water, creating ripples from his touch. He infected the water without even knowing it. Because that’s what Jace did—destroyed things, people. He never tried to, but he always did. “I saw Randy inside. He’s living here, too?” I didn’t reply. “He said you guys are at Joe’s bar performing twice a month?”
Coughing, I cleared my throat. “What are you doing here? What do you want?” I asked, feeling my body start to heat up from his arrival. Whenever Jace came around, doom wasn’t too far away.
He turned my way, wiping his wet hands across his jeans. His eyes were perplexed by my question. “I’m back to find out who killed Mom, Danny. And I’m a little shocked that you haven’t tried to do any damn thing about it after you had me locked up!”
My voice rose rapidly. “I had you locked up—” I sighed and took a breath. I’d played our reunion over and over again in my head for months. I had hoped he would have figured out why I’d had him put away, why I’d had no other choice. “I had you locked up because you would’ve been next, Jace. You would have come up with some stupid-ass revenge plan and gotten yourself killed.”
“I’m not stupid,” he hissed. “I could’ve handled—”
“You could’ve handled what?! Tracking down the a*shole who killed Mom right over there?!” The palms of my hands pushed into the side of the dock, and I leaped up. Jace stood up almost faster than I did. “Maybe you could have pissed off some more f*cking thugs and had them kill Dad and me before they ripped you apart, too!”
“F*ck you, Danny! You locked me up. You ratted me out. I’m your brother!” he screamed. I could see the resentment in his eyes, his fingers curled into fists.
“You’re my kid brother!” I shouted louder, tossing my hands up in irritation. “You’re my kid brother. I’m going to tell you once, Jace. Don’t do this. Don’t go digging back into this mess.” My eyes went to him and I crossed my arms. “I already buried Mom and Dad. Don’t make me pick out another damn plot in the cemetery.”
“I wasn’t even there…to bury my own parents.” He sniffed and ran his finger under it. His hands landed against his waist. “Red trusts me again.”
“Jace—”
“No. It’s good. I had a chance to rat him and his guys out when I went in, but I didn’t. I kept my damn mouth shut, and Red… He trusts me. He’s letting me back in.”
“Don’t you think it’s a little weird how forgiving he’s being to you?”
Jace shrugged. “I didn’t rat his guys out when I was locked up. It’s called loyalty. Something you wouldn’t know about.”
I reached into my back pocket and pulled out my wallet. “Look, Jace…I have two hundred bucks on me. We can go to the bank and I can take out more.” I held the money out toward him. “You can go stay with Grandma down in Chicago for a while. Clear your head.”
“My head is clear, Dan.”
“It’s not.” I walked over to him and wrapped my hands tightly around his head. “It’s not clear if you think for a f*cking second that this Red guy trusts you. Get out of town, Jace. Please.”
“I have to find out who did it, Danny,” he whispered, his eyes filling with tears. “I have to find out who killed Mom, and the best way to do it is from the inside.”
“Why? Why can’t you just let it go? She’s gone. She’s not coming back.”
“Because I did it!” he cried, pointing to the spot where Mom died. “I’m the reason she’s…” He placed his fist over his mouth. “Her blood, her death. It’s on me.”
“No.” I shook my head. “It’s on the sick a*shole who had the gun.”
“It wasn’t supposed to be like this, you know,” he spoke softly. “I was supposed to go to college, too. Ya know? Dad thought I would go to college.”
“You still can.”
“I wanted back in. I wanted back into the band. I wanted to get clean. I wanted to stop all of this.”
“Jace…”
He bit his bottom lip and turned away from me. He rested his forearms on the top of his head and clasped his hands together. “Red wants me to pass some of his products to people. It’s easy enough. The clients are easy targets.”
“Clients? What clients?”
He turned back toward me. “Listen, Danny. I just need a little help. There’s a few kids at your school who—”
“You’re selling to kids? You’re selling to my students?” My eyes widened in horror. I stepped backwards.
“It’s not me, Danny. It’s Red. He’s testing me. He’s seeing if he can fully trust me. And if I can get these things out to a few of them, he said he’ll let me get my revenge. Mom’s revenge. He’ll tell me the guy’s name who killed her. With you being a teacher at Edgewood, maybe…maybe you can help get me a few names of the kids who use.”
“You’re f*cking crazy. Do you hear yourself? He’s using you, Jace! He’s mocking you, dragging you back and forth like some toy. You think he didn’t know that I was a teacher there? You think he didn’t know that it would f*ck up my life, too?”
“It won’t!” he promised and lied at the same time.
“It already has.” I paused. “I won’t help. And if I see you anywhere near my school, I will have you locked up again.”
He laughed uncomfortably. “Just like that, huh?”
I said nothing.
“You’ll have me locked up again for trying to find out who murdered our mother?” He paused and kicked around invisible rocks. “Okay. I don’t need your help. But if you get in my way, I will put you down.”
“You’re the one trying to sell drugs to students, Jace. Not me.”
“You’re right. You’re absolutely right,” he said, “But you’re the one f*cking your students, not me. What was it? Ashlyn?” My fists tightened and I could feel my heart rate increase. He must have noticed too. “Ohh, is that a touchy subject? You’re all red in the face and shit.”
“Jace,” I said coldly, but I couldn’t say any more.
“You were right about one thing, Danny.” He pulled a cigarette and lighter out of his pocket. The cigarette rested between his lips and he lit it. His fingers moved to the side of his head and he tapped it. “I am f*cking crazy. So don’t cross me. Or I’ll destroy you and your little student. I wonder what kind of things the other kids would say about her. As we both know, high school can be a real bitch.”
“Jace, if this is about Sarah—” I started to warn him, but he cut me off.
“Don’t!” His words grew darker. “Don’t bring her into this. I’m not kidding. I will f*cking ruin your girlfriend’s life.”
He started to leave, and I sighed heavily. “What would Mom and Dad think? Of what you’re doing?”
“Well”—he didn’t look back—“I think they would be proud of me for actually following through with something. For bringing Mom’s death to justice.”
And like an infectious disease, Jace was spreading his way back into my life—again. I’d got away from his trouble. I’d focused on my music. I’d focused on teaching.
Yet somehow, someway, here we were again.
I marched back into the house and heard guitar strings being played. In the living room, Randy was sitting up on the couch, working on some new song lyrics. He looked up at me. “When did Jace get out?” he asked, playing his new tune.
“Don’t know, but he’s here.” I plopped down on the sofa. My hands ran across my face.
“He looked good though. Clean.”
I had to agree with that. I could always tell when Jace was using—he became jittery, nervous. But when I’d seen him at the cemetery and the school, he’d seemed strong. He’d looked like he had before he’d started using.
His hair was buzzed and he stood in business attire—probably something that Red guy had set up. But I knew Jace. I knew deep down how emotional he was, how broken he was. So if the temptation of the drugs was there, it wouldn’t be long before he welcomed them back into his life.
“What are ya working on?” I asked, changing the subject.
Randy picked up a book and tossed it to me. “Othello. I was trying to come up with some new material. I thought we could maybe open up with it on Friday for our show at The Upper Level. I know it’s a bit last minute but…”
“Let me see the lyrics.”
He handed me the paper and my eyes darted back and forth. Randy was a brilliant musician and storyteller, so I had no doubt the lyrics would be good. Yet these were better than good. These were mind-blowing.
Silent whispers of darkened souls.
My human side is now uncontrolled.
I see colors that make no sense,
But in your eyes, I know the truth exists.
Kidnapped, deranged, untamed.
Come back to me. Take my hand.
Dance. Dance to forbidden lands.
“I wanted something a bit darker. A bit grittier. Shakespeare had all kinds of sides, ya know?”
“Pass me the guitar,” I said. My fingers started strumming the guitar, feeling the strings move between my fingertips. I closed my eyes as I played, and like always, there Ashlyn was. The music only brought her closer to me, the sounds bringing my imagination to life.
I couldn’t let Jace ruin her life. And I couldn’t let her think that I didn’t care either. But what could I do?
Air is thick.
My mind is fogged.
Tell me we’re not about to lose it all.
~ Romeo’s Quest
The next few days of school were tough. I was stuck in a clouded, jaded mood. I’d hardly had any sleep because when I wasn’t thinking about Ashlyn, I was worrying about Jace. He could hurt someone. He could hurt himself. He could hurt my students. He could hurt Ashlyn.
After class with Ashlyn never looking up from her desk, I knew I should talk to her. Try to explain the situation. Right before lunch, I saw her walking with that Jake kid. He had been by her side each and every day, trying to ease his way into her heart. Trying to steal my placement. He didn’t have to try too hard though. I was merely handing it to him. I wasn’t even fighting for her…
She looked my way for a split second before she turned back to him and laughed loudly. Her hand landed on his chest, and he smirked wide. The way she flipped her hair over her shoulder and giggled for him made me sick. The way he moved in close and amused her made me pissed.
He was flirting with her, and she was flirting back.
But I knew her.
She was only flirting to make me jealous.
It was working.
Even though it was only to piss me off, I knew she liked the idea of it. Touching in public. Something I couldn’t give her. What kind of man couldn’t give his woman the love she longed for, she needed?
My fists balled up and I stepped forward, rage filling my body. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I had to do something. I couldn’t just give her up, let him have her. She might not have been mine. She might have rejected the idea of us ever being us after I’d f*cked up and ignored her in some weird attempt to protect her, but…
I was hers.
Every part of me.
Every inch of my being belonged to Ashlyn Jennings.
And every time she laughed at something Jake said, every time she touched his arm and not mine, a part of me faded away. A part of me vanished.
“Ashlyn!” I called after her. She looked at me as if I were crazy, narrowing her eyes. “Can I speak to you about your paper?”
She told Jake that she would see him in class and came over to me. “What is it?”
I led her into my classroom and closed the door behind me. My fists remained and I leaned in a bit, whispering, “Why are you all over him like that?”
She crossed her arms. “None of your business,” she remarked, attitude in her tone.
I growled, running my hands through my hair. “You’re doing it to make me jealous.”
“I’m not doing anything,” she said with a sly smirk, loving the fact that she was getting under my skin.
“Yes you—” I took a breath. I lowered my voice. “Ashlyn… Now is not the time to start acting your age.”
“Are you calling me childish? Me?! The only one who seems to know that communication makes things work?” Her eyes widened at my comment and she parted her lips. “F*ck you, Mr. Daniels.”
My hands landed on her shoulders, my eyes pleading for just a moment for us to be us. “Ashlyn, it’s me. Daniel. I’m still me.”
I saw her eyes soften. She looked to the ground, and when she looked up, she was on the edge of tears. “I miss you.”
Without thinking, I crashed my mouth against hers, wrapping my hand around her neck. She kissed me back, slamming her hands against my chest. I lifted her up and pinned her against my storage closet. My hands cupped her breasts through her shirt and I heard a moan escape from her and into my mouth as I circled my thumbs over her hardened nipples. My hand wrapped against the edge of her shirt and I slid it up as she dug her fingers into my back, pushing her hips against mine.
I stopped myself when there was a pounding on my classroom door. Without thinking, I opened my storage closet and shoved Ashlyn into it.
My door opened and I saw Henry peeking his head inside. He was smiling my way. My heart landed in my throat. Had he seen me shove his daughter?
Holy shit, I shoved Ashlyn into a closet.
“Hey, Dan.”
I gave him a strained smile. “Henry, how are you?”
“Good, good. I was just wondering… Can I see you in my office real fast? About Ashlyn?”
About Ashlyn. Those words echoed in my head. The accelerated beat of my thoughts was terrifying. Everything in my body tightened. He knows. I wondered if Jace had told him, if he had really stooped to that level. Clearing my throat, I spoke. “I’m on lunch duty.”
“Don’t worry,” he said. “It will be fast.” A loud noise was heard from the closet and Henry raised an eyebrow. “Did you hear that?”
I started coughing harshly, trying my best to cover up the noise Ashlyn was making. “Hear something? Yeah, one of my lights needs to be changed. It’s been making a weird buzzing noise lately. Anyway, I’ll meet you down in your office in a second.”
He frowned, staring at my ceiling before he thanked me and walked away. My hands ran over my face, trying to shake myself from my own nerves. I opened the closet and Ashlyn stepped out. I slid my hands into my pockets.
“He knows?” she whispered.
I shrugged. “It’s okay.” Her green eyes relaxed a bit. I gave her a sad grin. “We’re okay.”
“No. We’re not. You know, I imagined this before…” She shook her head. “Almost being caught in school. I thought it would be sexy and adventurous. But in all reality, you just shoved me into a closet.”
My mind was racing, trying to figure out a way to explain it to her. “I know. I’m sorry. It’s just—”
“If you were caught in a relationship with a student, there might be trouble,” she muttered. “I’m so stupid.”
“Ashlyn—”
“It’s my fault, really. I live in my books. I romanticized this whole thing. But the truth is, it’s not romantic—being someone’s secret.” Her long eyelashes blinked and she shifted her weight around. “You can’t do this. You can’t pull me into your classroom again.”
“I know!” I shouted a hair too loud, but my heart was pounding aggressively in my chest. I wanted to punch something because I was so damn confused. I hated how I couldn’t be seen with her. I hated how, when we were together, she would look at the other couples holding hands with a twitch of envy in her lips. I hated everything about our situation.
I walked to Henry’s office, where he already was, and I closed the door behind me. He took a seat behind his desk and cleared his throat. The first thing I noticed was the picture of Ryan and his sister sitting on his desk. Ashlyn and Gabby were nowhere to be found.
“Thanks for meeting with me…” He sounded nervous. A lot more nervous than a father would sound if he knew his daughter was involved with a teacher. He didn’t know. Holy shit, he didn’t know. “I wanted to ask you for a favor.”
I arched an eyebrow and sat back in my chair. “What can I do for you?”
“Well, as you know…” He lifted a picture frame that was facing him and stared at it. When he sat it back down, I got a glimpse of it—the twins. They’d been there all along, facing toward Henry. “Ashlyn is my daughter. She’s been going through a lot with the loss of her sister…”
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered and meant it.
He cleared his voice and strained to get his words out. “Thank you. But the thing is, Ashlyn’s mom is dealing with some personal issues and needed space. So Ashlyn came to stay with me. Her mom, Kim, just called me and told me that a letter came from Ashlyn’s dream college in California. They are asking for one more letter of recommendation. She’s just been through so much...”
California.
The word played over and over in my head. It ran across my skin, trampling me with the truth behind it.
I nodded slowly, wanting to rush out of his office to find Ashlyn and hold her. I wanted to tell her that she couldn’t go. That she could stay with me. That after the school year, we could be together. But I couldn’t. Henry continued.
“And I know this may be out of line but…I don’t think she can handle another letdown. It’s too much. I plan to tell her about the letter later this week. But do you think—only if you feel like you can—do you think you could write her a letter of recommendation? Again, you do not have to. I just need her to have more ups than downs.”
I placed my hands on the edge of his desk. Could I write her a letter to help her get into her dream college in California? My throat dried and a sharp sting hit my eyes. I blinked repeatedly, wanting to scream, “No! She can’t go! She can’t leave me!”
My eyes shut again. And when they reopened, I said okay. I agreed to help send Ashlyn away to live her own life.
“It would be my honor.”