Hailey didn’t show up for lunch. I noticed that Theo wasn’t in the cafeteria either. Sitting down at the table, I sighed when I saw Daniel looking my way. He glanced away fast before anyone else could notice.
Ryan came walking over and slammed his tray down. “Okay, I know I said she had to learn on her own about Theo, but I really thought she would have made better choices.”
“She’s smart. She’ll be fine,” I said, taking some fries from his tray.
“If he hurts her again…” His voice was somber as he looked around, waiting for Hailey to walk in. “I’ll kill him.” His hand went into his pocket and he pulled out his fake pack of cigarettes.
“Ryan, what is that exactly?” I asked, curiosity finally pushing me far enough to want to question him about his fake cigarette habit.
He eyed his fingers, which were holding an invisible cigarette. A frown found his lips and he placed his hands on the table. “When I was thirteen, I told my dad I thought I was gay.”
My heart stopped beating at the mention of his dad. I’d never heard him or Hailey ever talk about their father before.
Ryan continued. “I cried and cried because we went to church, ya know? And Mom believed in hell. She still does, of course. She would tell us how sinning was wrong, how bad-doers would go to hell. So I knew how I was feeling wasn’t right. I wasn’t right.”
Oh, Ryan…
“Dad told me it didn’t matter. None of it mattered. I was his kid and he loved me. He said he would talk to Mom, and I begged him not to. I begged him to keep it between us. A few nights later, I sat at the top of the staircase in our house and listened to them fight. About me. He told her that he thought I might be gay but never stated it as a fact.” Ryan narrowed his eyes, looking at his fingers. “She called him a liar and a bunch of bullshit things. I guess she accused him of cheating on her, too. Which was stupid. He would never…” He paused. “She told him to leave. To never come back. I rushed to my bedroom. From my window, I watched him walk outside to the front of the house. He lit up a cigarette and started smoking it, running his hands through his hair. Then he got into his car and left.”
“He didn’t come back?” I asked, my gut tangled in knots.
“The headline was, um…” He narrowed his eyes, tracking back into his memory. “Paul Turner, father of two, dies in a horrific car accident on the corner of Jefferson Avenue and Pine Street.”
The guilt and blame was strong in Ryan’s words. His fingers lifted the invisible cigarette and he rested it between his lips.
“It wasn’t your fault, Ryan.”
He held his fingers up and stared at them. “The cigarette box is a reminder of why my secret is a secret. All it does is hurt people. I take the box everywhere I go.”
Our conversation came to a halt when Hailey came over in a hurry. She slammed her tray down on the table. “Sorry I’m late.”
I looked up, saw Theo walking into the lunchroom, and gagged. I still hated him.
“We’re back on.” Hailey smiled brightly. “I apologized for being a controlling girlfriend, and he said our spirits could still travel together.”
“You apologized?!” I whined, perplexed.
“You don’t understand, Ashlyn. I love him.”
Love? I was starting to wonder what that word meant. It seemed that people tossed it around to everyone nowadays. Myself included.
Ryan ignored his sister, not pleased with her choices. I had to admit that I was a bit disappointed, too.
He turned back to me. “It was Jake, wasn’t it? Did Jake give you that hickey?” I blushed.
“No.”
“But he wants to give you a hickey?”
“Yes.”
“And…the boy who did give it to you is…”
I frowned. “No longer in the picture.”