After my run I have breakfast. I make porridge. Nesbitt makes fancy stuff—eggs florentine yesterday—for Van and Gabriel. He does all that and waits on Van while I eat in the kitchen. Gabriel always stays with me. Nesbitt sometimes has porridge with us; that’s when he’s sort of OK. He doesn’t talk too much then, and I just eat.
After that I have a morning nap, lying in the sun if there is any. Next I do more training, then I go hiking, usually on my own, sometimes with Gabriel. Then it’s lunch followed by another nap. Late afternoon or early evening I do some fighting practice with Nesbitt. He’s good but I beat him every time. I always comment on how old and slow and fat he is, and he always smiles and laughs and takes everything I say as a compliment. Gabriel sometimes watches us but he doesn’t join in the fighting or the banter. Mostly he practices his shooting; he’s good with a gun and also with a bow and crossbow. Like Van, he manages to make everything he does seem easy and elegant. I try the guns too but I hate them.
In the evening I shower in the castle and we have dinner, with Nesbitt acting as chef and waiter. When it gets dark I move to the forest. And then the day is over and there’s one less until I see Annalise.
I’ve been sleeping in the forest. I like it here. The forest is a good place; when I’m alone in it I feel relaxed. I only transformed that first time. Every night I wait to see if it’ll happen again. I want to learn about it, learn how to control it, and I do think this remote, ancient place is perfect for that.
I skipped food for a day to see if that would work but it didn’t. I think it might be because no animal, no potential prey, crossed my path. Tonight I’m trying something different. I’ve not eaten all day and I’m going hunting, but I don’t want to kill anything. I want to transform, hunt but not kill, and persuade the animal me to come back here. I’ve brought some meat from the kitchen and I lay it out on the ground.
As soon as it’s dark I set off through the forest. I know there are some foxes in the area so I’m heading to their den. I work my way slowly and silently through the trees until I can see the tangle of branches that surrounds the entrance. I crouch down on my haunches and wait.
I have to wait most of the night but as soon as a small fox sticks her nose out of the den my animal adrenaline kicks in. I breathe slowly and steadily, waiting. I want to control it, see if I can at least hold it off until I’m ready. I don’t want to kill the fox. I want to transform and find a way to stop myself killing her, even if all I do is make the animal me go back to the meat that I’ve left behind. I have to learn how to control him. Stop him from killing.
I breathe slow and watch; the adrenaline is in me but it’s not overpowering. I tell myself, “We follow her. That’s all. We follow her and let her live.”
The fox hasn’t sensed me and is trotting away. I stop the controlled breathing and concentrate on the smell of the fox.
*
i’m in the animal body. the den is in front of me. there’s a strong smell of fox, much stronger now. the fox is moving away fast. he, the animal i’m in, goes after her. i tell him, “no, let her go,” but he keeps following the fox. i say, “no, stop,” and again “no!” i try to turn the animal round but he keeps on going after the fox. i have no control over him. he’s gaining on the fox. “no!” i shout, angry at him now. “no!” but he’s gaining quickly. his strides are huge compared to the fox’s. the fox stops, turns, and i shout, “no! don’t kill her. there’s better meat nearby. no!” and try to hold the animal body still, try to stiffen his muscles, but i have no muscles and it doesn’t work. he is racing to the fox and is on her and i’m shouting, “no! stop!” but tasting blood . . .
*
I wake up. I still taste blood. The body of the fox is by my head. A mess of fur and guts and bone. I want to pick it up and hurl it away. I hate the animal me. Hate him. He can’t be me. I didn’t want to kill the fox. I told him not to kill it. He didn’t need to kill it. I shout and swear with frustration at the fox’s stiffening body but I’m really shouting at the animal in me. I hope he can hear me. I hope he knows I hate him. I don’t want this Gift. I hate everything about it.
*
By dawn I’ve calmed down. I’m not sure what to do about my Gift. If I can’t control it I could kill anyone. I’m not sure if I should ask Van about it. She’s knowledgeable about many aspects of witchcraft, so perhaps she can help me, but I don’t want to rely on her. I want to work it out myself. And I haven’t even told Gabriel yet.
At dawn I wash quickly in the river and go to meet up with Gabriel and Nesbitt for our run. They’re standing together, talking, and Gabriel smiles as I approach.
He says, “You’re looking even more messed up than usual,” and he reaches over to my hair, saying, “What’s that?”