My eyes fill with tears and I feel stupid and like I’m a hypocrite for crying cos I wanted Kieran dead. I disgust myself by crying. I turn away from Gabriel and try to straighten up, wipe my wet cheeks with my sleeve. When I turn back Gabriel’s eyes are on me still.
“It was bad. Nesbitt was sick when he saw Kieran’s body. If Nesbitt was sick . . .”
“None of this means you’re bad, Nathan.”
“It doesn’t mean I’m good!”
“You killed him like an animal would. I know that might not be a comfort to you now but the animal acts on instinct. An animal isn’t evil, isn’t good or bad.”
Then he says, “Can I ask you something?” He hesitates and says, “Did you eat the Hunter’s heart? Or Kieran’s heart? Did you take their Gifts?”
I shake my head. “The animal kills them, rips them apart. But he’s not interested in Gifts. He just wants to kill.”
“I think he wants to survive. He’s not evil, Nathan.”
Gabriel is close to me and he reaches forward and brushes away more of my tears with his fingertips. His touch is gentle.
It’s good to feel him.
And Gabriel leans closer and closer and, very slowly and gently, he kisses me, on the lips, with infinite tenderness, so that our skin is barely touching. I pull away a little but he stays close to me. “Don’t hate yourself. Don’t hate any bit of yourself.”
Gabriel pulls me to him and holds me and I feel his warm breath through my hair.
I’m not sure what to do about Gabriel holding me and kissing me. I don’t know what I feel about it. He does it to show me how he feels. But he must know I don’t feel the same way. I can’t change that. But I do love him. He’s my friend, my best friend, and I love him loads and loads. And I keep on crying and he keeps on holding me.
We stay like that a long time. The trees stay the same too and I still look at them and only them. When I’ve finally stopped crying Gabriel releases me. We sit down on the grass and I lie back and cover my face with my arm.
“You OK?” he asks.
“I’m the son of Marcus, the most feared of Black Witches. I’m a Hunter-eating animal. And I’m a complete crybaby. Course I’m OK.”
“Accept your Gift, Nathan. Don’t fight it.”
“I’m not fighting it. I can’t fight it. It takes over.”
“Then welcome it and learn from it. Don’t judge it. It must be very confusing for the poor animal. You want it because it’s like your father’s Gift, but you don’t want it for the same reason. You like the power. You hate the power. I feel sorry for the poor beast inside.”
“Say that when you’re faced with the beast outside.”
“All you do is tell me the bad stuff, the things you hate. Tell me the good bits.”
“There are no good bits.”
“Liar! I’m a witch, Nathan. I know what it’s like to have a Gift.”
I close my eyes and remember. I know I have to be honest with Gabriel, so I say, “It feels good. It feels good when the stuff, the animal adrenaline, whatever it is, surges through me. I’m afraid of it but still it feels amazing and powerful. And . . . all my senses are super alert, super aware. And I’m sort of watching him, the other me, and he’s . . . absorbed. That’s what it is to be him: to be totally absorbed in what he does, not thinking but being purely physical.”
I look over to Gabriel. “Do you think that’s what it is to be an animal?”
“I don’t know. That’s why you have this Gift, though, Nathan. Not because you’re an animal, not because you’ve no morals, but because you need to feel it. That’s how you are, how you exist best—by feeling things.”
“Oh.”
“You’re a true witch, Nathan. Don’t fight the animal. Experience him. That’s what he’s for.” He pauses and then says, “Can I ask—what animal do you become?”
I don’t even know that. I remember the fox’s eyes staring into mine last night and I tell him, “A hungry one.”
Using My Soul
It’s the day of the new moon. Van says that when we’re ready Gabriel and I must drink the potion she provides before cutting the palms of our hands, which she will then bind together. We will stay like that until we find our way out of the labyrinth of Gabriel’s mind. There’s a catch, of course. “You both have to prepare your bodies. Gabriel, you must exercise gently and eat well. Nathan, you must spend the night before the ritual inside.”
“What?” I say. “Why?”
“It will heighten your senses and make the trance you enter all the more real. That’s why we waited until the new moon, so you could stay inside for the full night.”
“I don’t see why a shorter time with the fuller moon wouldn’t work then?” I say.