Less than a minute later Gabriel and I are in Van’s room. She’s carefully packing vials into an already full carpetbag. She says, “Nesbitt went into Geneva yesterday to buy some provisions. I think he must have been spotted.”
She opens the drawer by her bed and takes out the Fairborn. She drops it into a large leather bag, which she then picks up. As she strides to the door she points to a pile of leather-bound books and the carpetbag. “Bring those.”
We all head to the garage at a fast pace, meeting Nesbitt on the way, a large bag slung over his shoulder.
A minute later Nesbitt, Van, and I are in the back of a black limousine. Gabriel is wearing a chauffeur’s cap and is driving. And we’re out of the sunken garage, climbing into the pre-dawn light, along the drive, and out through the electric gates. It’s probably only five minutes since I saw the Hunters but it feels like twenty.
The road looks normal but Hunters aren’t likely to be driving up and down in tanks.
Gabriel pulls out and turns right, away from Geneva. Half a minute later a van drives past in the opposite direction and Gabriel calls to us. “Hunters in that. Three in the front, who knows how many in the back.”
No one replies and we all scan each vehicle that we go past. Half an hour later we’ve left the lakeshore road and are heading north and we’ve not seen any more Hunters.
“Where are we going, by the way?” Gabriel asks.
Van says, “North is fine for the moment but soon we’ll need to turn east. I know the perfect place. It’s an old castle but nicely secluded and remarkably well maintained. It should be free at this time of year.”
Slovakia
We arrive at the place just as it’s getting dark. We’ve been driving all day, apart from when we stopped to change the limousine for a less conspicuous car. The castle looks more like a large country house with turrets. Set in a thick forest at the end of a long drive, it definitely is secluded.
Van and Nesbitt go inside. Nesbitt says he’ll have some food ready in ten minutes. I’m hungry but I’ve spent all day in the car and I don’t want to be inside now when I’ll have to use the nightsmoke. I tell Gabriel that I’m going to sleep in the forest. When he says he’ll come with me, I shake my head.
“No. I’m better off alone, Gabriel. You stay in the castle.”
“But—”
“Please, Gabriel. I’m too tired to argue. I need to be alone.”
I go into the trees and find a sheltered place. I’m almost dizzy with tiredness but this place is good. It’s old and quiet and I know Gabriel won’t come when I’ve asked him not to. I close my eyes and welcome sleep.
I wake to a faint noise. Footsteps. Not human but small and hesitant. A deer.
My animal adrenaline rises quickly but I breathe slowly in and out—really, really slowly—and hold my breath, and hold it and hold it and say to myself, “Calm, calm.” I don’t want to stop the animal taking over; I’m noticing the increasing adrenaline as it’s released into me and I’m letting it build slowly. I hold my breath and then breathe out. The slower the transformation the better, I think. I don’t want to shock my body. I want to get used to it and more than anything I want to remember what happens when I’ve transformed. I breathe in slowly and I tell myself to stay aware. I hold my breath in and then let it out in a long, steady stream and allow the adrenaline to flood through me.
*
i see the deer. the animal i’m in follows after her. he’s totally silent, keeping low, only moving when he’s sure he won’t be spotted. the deer stops. her ears twitch. she raises her head and looks around. she’s beautiful. i don’t want to kill the deer but the animal i’m in is bunching his hind legs, ready to charge forward. i say to him, “no, don’t kill her.” i’m calm, talking to him quietly, trying to tame him. the deer tenses. she’s sensed something and she bends, ready to jump away, as he leaps at her and i’m shouting at him, “no, no”—
*
I wake up. It’s still dark. I know by the taste in my mouth that the deer was dinner. My hands and face are covered in blood and, raising my head, I see its remains near me. I remember some of what happened. I remember hearing the deer when I was me, in my human body, and I remember the animal adrenaline rising, and I must have transformed but I don’t remember that. No, I don’t remember any of that. I do remember that I tried to stop him attacking her. I was shouting at him from inside his body but the animal I’m in didn’t listen. He killed her anyway.
I feel the deer’s body: she’s still warm.
I find a calm pool in the river to wash in and then I lie down near it. I can’t sleep now. I’m not tired but I’m confused. The animal didn’t pay any attention to me. He is me but isn’t me. He killed the deer even though I didn’t want him to. He does what he likes.