Now you’ve got your road map. The next step is almost as important as figuring out the rest of it. In between you and the goal that you’ve always wanted are three words. Maybe you write them down on a sticky note. Girl, maybe you should get it tattooed on your body, but it’s this simple: go all in.
Go all in. Take massive action immediately. Not on Monday, not at the new year, not next month, but right now, today. Take massive action on the first mile marker on your road map.
By the way, creating a road map in the first place is going to be a massive action for many of you. But please don’t stop there! Stay in. For a lot of people, it’s easy for them to go all in; they just don’t stay there. Something will happen and life gets in the way, and they fall off the wagon and think, Ugh, now it’s all downhill.
No. No! Sister, half the battle in between you and where you want to go is just your willingness to stand back up. Everybody falls down, everybody slips up, everybody makes mistakes, everybody gets off course. Plenty of people set out headed toward their goal—they’ve got their road map, they’re following along—and then all of a sudden something happens. Maybe it’s something simple like slipping off their diet. Maybe they miss one week of training and then it’s two, and suddenly a whole month is gone. Maybe it’s been six months or six years since they sat down at their computers to write. Whatever has happened, whatever you did or didn’t do, shame isn’t the answer to overcoming it. It’s done, it’s in the past, and beating yourself up about it won’t change anything. Not only is that true, but so is the fact that it’s not a life sentence. Anything other than death is temporary. The problem is that you’re letting a short-term choice become your long-term decision. You believe that what happened in the past is who you are. That’s BS.
Who you are is defined by the next decision you make, not the last one. So get planning, make your road map, and take the next step.
SKILL 2:
CONFIDENCE
Confidence matters.
Confidence is the belief that you can count on yourself—that you trust your gut in the place you find yourself in. It matters a great deal to anyone in business, particularly if your job or company requires you to promote yourself as a way to get to the next level. But it also matters a ton in your personal life and how you think about yourself and your dreams. I don’t think we talk about it enough.
If you feel like a crappy mom, if you feel totally unprepared to take on your role as mom each day, how likely are you to enjoy your life and show up well for your babies?
If you’ve always dreamed of doing a triathlon but you believe you’re terrible at any physical activity and are positive you’ll never figure it out, how likely are you to successfully take on the next race?
Confidence matters, and here’s the magic: confidence is a skill. It’s not something you’re born with. Certainly if you were raised in a particular way, then confidence might have been instilled in you from childhood, but if you weren’t so lucky, please know that it’s something you can develop and that you absolutely should pursue. Here are three key things I’ve found make a big difference for building up self-confidence:
HOW YOU LOOK
This chapter is coming at you live from one of the most highfalutin beauty parlors in the Western Hemisphere. Nine Zero One Salon on Melrose Place in Los Angeles, to be specific. As I sit here, writing feverishly on my laptop, a team of beautiful twentysomethings are working to cover up my roots and add in highlights around my face. A myriad of tiny bowls filled with different colored potions are spread out in every direction. They’re painting color onto my hair with the precision of a pediatric heart surgeon, all while chatting amongst themselves about which house they’re renting for Coachella and whether or not Kristin Cavallari’s new diet book is any good. Their work is equal parts artistry and witchcraft, and when they finish I’ll look the best I’ve looked since the last time I left this chair. The entire procedure costs as much as a used Sebring convertible . . . and that’s just the coloring process.
I have hair extensions and eyelash extensions, and I got a boob job five years ago because I was tired of my post-breastfeeding chest resembling tube socks filled with pudding. I know not everyone approves of spending all of this time and money on your physical appearance. I know, because they send me notes. “How can you tell us to love ourselves the way we are but then spend money on makeup and hours getting your hair colored?” I understand that this might seem hypocritical to you, but you may have missed one key distinction. I do believe we should love ourselves the way we are . . . the way I am just happens to involve fake eyelashes.
In all seriousness, I love makeup. Have you ever seen those videos on YouTube where gals do different looks and use a hundred different makeups and fourteen different brushes just to shade one eyelid? That is artistry! That is a skill acquired over years of effort, and I bow down. When I put on my own makeup I think it’s fun, and I like how I look afterward. I don’t do it because you think I should look a certain way—or because society likes a well-contoured cheekbone—I do it because I like it.
I invest a lot of money and a lot of time into the way I look because it makes me feel—well shoot, I guess it makes me feel great, and when I feel great I feel confident.
Before I dig into this more, I’ve got to add some disclaimers. I’m positive that not everyone I know ties some of (or a lot of) their confidence into their looks. Some of us were raised right. Some of us had upbringings that said it’s your heart and your mind and your spirit that matter—that is how it should be. But just because it should be a certain way doesn’t mean it is. If I’m going to talk about what really works instead of what should work, then we’ve got to be truthful. Every woman I know—I cannot think of one single woman who doesn’t—feels more confident when she likes the way she looks.
Every single one.
Disclaimer number two? Confidence comes from you liking the way you look, not from you looking any certain way.
I love big hair and eyelashes and shoes with some kind of heel. My friends, Sami and Beans? They love sneakers and hats, and I’m pretty sure they think they look worse with a lot of makeup on. It’s not their preferred style. If the greatest makeup artist in the world gave them a full makeover, they would appreciate the artistry but hate the results. It would actually make them feel less confident because they wouldn’t recognize themselves when they looked in the mirror. Gaining confidence from your appearance isn’t about having a specific style; gaining confidence from the way you look is about having a personal style.
Do you love sneakers and button-downs? Are you into sleek and straight hair and minimal makeup? Is your wardrobe as bright and eclectic as your personality? Yes to all of it! Yes to any of it. Yes to knowing who and what you are and allowing it to be represented in the way you look.