Girl, Stop Apologizing: A Shame-Free Plan for Embracing and Achieving Your Goals

No, no, no, no. Don’t focus on the lack. Don’t worry about how you’ll hit each guidepost. How will stop you dead in your tracks. Obsessing over the how is what stops us from going anywhere. Right now we’re not focused on the how; we’re focused on the what. As in, what steps do I need to take to make this goal a reality?

For my publishing journey, my road map started to take form when I forced myself to come up with my three guideposts. The very last step before getting a deal for publishing a cookbook is submitting a proposal to publishing houses: guidepost number three. Okay, so what’s the step before that? Well, Google told me that in order to submit to a publishing house, I had to have a literary agent. No publisher will just blindly accept a manuscript off the street, so finding a literary agent became the second guidepost on my map. Then I asked myself what I would need to secure a literary agent. There are so many ways to land one, but they all had one central thing in common: I’d need to create a proposal of some kind to explain what I wanted to do. That became the first guidepost in my road map.



I had a starting point and an ending point and three major guideposts on the way. Now, now I was able to figure out the how, or, as I like to call them, the mile markers. I had forced myself to come up with three major guideposts, but the mile markers can be numerous because these are all the little things, all the hows you’re going to need to figure out and do to get you to that next guidepost.

To identify them, you start at the beginning of your road map for the first time since you began laying it out, and you do another idea brainstorm with this question: What do I need to do to get from my starting point to my first guidepost? I suggest putting on some pump-up music and writing as much as you can as fast as you can, anything that pops into your head. Don’t even think about it. Just write down every idea you can think of that in any way could help you get to your first guidepost. I call this a possibilities list.

Let’s say your goal is to start a wedding planning business (yes, I’m writing what I know), which means that your third guidepost would be to land some clients. Well, then your second guidepost would be to make sure your potential clients know about your business: you’ll need a portfolio, an Instagram account, or a website where potential brides can see your work. Of course, none of that matters if you don’t have any work to show off, so your first guidepost has to be the creation of that content. Since I have made this exact possibilities list to get me to this exact guidepost, I can tell you that the questions I asked myself along the way looked like this: How do I get content? Photographers? Florists? Should I partner with someone to design and produce different looks? Could I volunteer my time with other wedding planners in exchange for photos in my portfolio? How have other people created portfolios? Are there books I could read on this topic? Are there influencers I can follow who are talking about this subject?

Whenever I’m not sure how to get to the next step, even today, I create a possibilities list and fill up pages and pages with things like, “Oh, yeah. Sarah’s cousin works for that company that I’ve been dying to have as a client.” There were many times when I didn’t remember I had a connection until I sat down and made my list. This happens because we spend so much time sitting in what we don’t have that we don’t realize the access we actually do have.

WARNING: this is often the place where the dreamers start wandering off the side of the highway to gather wildflowers rather than making any real traction toward their destination. For example, if my first guidepost is clearly “create a book proposal,” there are all sorts of things I could brainstorm to get me there: researching book proposals, creating a Pinterest board of ideas, finding out the structure of a book proposal for this genre, talking to authors in this space and asking them for advice, finding a graphic designer to help me lay it out, taking an online course to learn about book proposals, going to a writer’s conference, and so forth. Most people see this list and get excited, thinking, Holy crap, look at all these ideas! Simultaneously they convince themselves that all ideas are created equal and all of them will be effective. Don’t get it twisted! Not all of these ideas will get me anywhere closer to my goal, but many of these ideas are way sexier and way more fun than the tasks that actually will get me there.

Creating a Pinterest board? That’s so fun. I think I’ll do that. Oooh, and a writer’s conference? I’ve always wanted to go to one of those. And brainstorming with my new friends from my writing club? That’s perfect! We convince ourselves that all of these are great ideas and that we’re spending dedicated time working toward our guidepost, when really we’re just walking around in circles. If I’m being honest with myself, I know the exact step that comes right before creating a book proposal. I don’t want to do it because it’s the hardest, suckiest part of writing a book, but I know what it is. I’ve got to actually write the words.

I want to encourage you here, because if you’re being realistic then you must realize that a big part of the reason you haven’t achieved the guidepost already is that your mile markers, while doable, take hard work. Mile markers are the achievable steps, and you can take one after another to get you to the destination. But they’re always work. Always.

As I sit writing this book, Girl, Wash Your Face has been out in the world for a handful of months. At this point it’s sold 722,000 copies and become a #1 New York Times bestseller, and I’ve received thousands and thousands of notes from women all over the world telling me how helpful it’s been in their lives. What a gift! What an incredible blessing that’s so big I couldn’t even have dreamed of it! Do you think that success makes it any easier to write this book? No. Writing is always hard for me. It’s always work. Even though I’ve done it so many times before, even though I’ve been able to experience success with it, even though I believe so deeply in what I’m writing about—even then it’s a slog to the finish line.

The idea is not that a road map will magically make the journey easier; the idea is that a road map will make the journey effective. I believe deeply in what you’re capable of. I think you can achieve anything you set your mind to, but you’ve got to set your mind to it. You’ve got to be relentless in your pursuit and flexible in your methods.

So buck up, and start creating the mile markers that will get you to each guidepost. If you’re not sure what they are, then ask yourself better questions. For instance, if my question is “How can I sign with a literary agent?” my answer at the time would have been “I have no idea!” Which gets me exactly nowhere. But if I change the question to, “Who might know how I can get a literary agent?” or “Where could I research to find out the answer?” or “Are there books or podcasts or YouTube videos about this?” then suddenly my answers are endless. Remember, if you’re not getting effective answers, it’s because you’re not asking effective questions.

Also, don’t get freaked out about all the possibilities. This goal of yours is going to feel like something gigantic when you begin. Remember how to eat an elephant? One bite at a time! When you’re first starting to work toward a goal, it’s so easy to get overwhelmed. There are so many things to do and never enough hours to do them. If you’re like me, you have eighteen to-do lists going, and they’ve got everything on them. If it feels overwhelming, it’s because you’re trying to do too many things at one time. Slow down. Make a daily list. Make a weekly list. Make a monthly list. Now double-check them. Is everything on those lists essential to helping you get to the next guidepost? If not, revise and refocus.

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