The best advice I know of in this situation is, if you want to change someone else, change yourself. People change because they’re inspired by someone else’s example, not because they were coerced into doing it. People change because they see in someone else what’s probable, not because someone harasses them over and over about what’s possible. You will never change someone else unless you find the courage and the will and the resolve to change yourself, and you will never do any of those things if you aren’t willing to let people be inconvenienced by your journey.
Being inconvenienced is part of any relationship. I will watch all four kids by myself for a couple of hours on Saturday so that Dave can go to the gym. He will watch all four kids by himself on Sunday so that I can go on a long run. Is it an inconvenience to solo parent that many beasties? Of course, but we both genuinely want the best for each other, and that means we’re willing to do things that are hard on us so our partner can flourish. How many people work extra hours for years while their partner gets their degree? How many times have you done the grocery shopping? How many times has your partner taken the trash out or done the laundry or gotten up with the baby to make it easier on you? Being occasionally inconvenienced is a part of life, and if you’re willing to do it for them, then you better be willing to demand that they do it for you.
Sometimes all it takes is having a firm adult conversation. But sometimes the pushback is hard to stand strong against. It’s inevitable that the people in your life will feel the discomfort that arises when you start restructuring your life to pursue new things. There are so many reasons why your friends or family members might not be supportive: insecurity, fear, self-preservation, complacency, and so on. But this book isn’t about their reasons; it’s about you having a revelation. So listen up. Mediocre will always try and drag you back down to mediocre. Lazy will always try and drag you back down to lazy.
For whatever reason, these people in your life aren’t at the same place as you in their personal-growth journey, and that’s fine. We’re all on our own paths, and it’s not your job to try and pull them up with you. It’s your job to show up for your own life and fight for your own dreams. To quote my friend Elizabeth, “You need less wishbone and more backbone.”
That means you’re going to have to make the decision that other people don’t get to weigh in here. That means you will stand up for yourself and understand that someone who’s sitting in the cheap seats doesn’t get to tell you how to fight in the ring. If you’re not out here on the field, if you’re not fighting for more, if you’re not running these miles with me or writing these words with me or making new habits with me or eating this kale with me—if you’re not in the game with me, then you don’t get to call any plays, and you darn sure don’t get to offer negative comments about the work I’m putting in!
Allowing someone else to talk you out of your pursuits is quite possibly one of the hardest habits to break but one of the greatest behaviors to adopt. Part of what makes it hard is that we care about what other people think; it’s ingrained in us from birth. But, as we’ve talked about before, other people’s opinions of you are none of your business. That’s a bit harder to remember, though, when the opinions—even when they’re wrong—are connected to the people we love and care about most. The thing is, you cannot control how they’ll act or what they’ll say or whether they’ll be supportive. You can only control how you’ll respond to what they do and whether you use their feelings as a reason to quit on yourself. Rather than alienate everyone or start a turf war with your sister or create problems in your relationships, here are some things you can do to ensure that you’re better able to control your own reactions:
1. ASK YOURSELF IF THIS PERSON SHOULD BE IN YOUR LIFE—SERIOUSLY.
Think about it for a second. If someone doesn’t want what’s best for you—even if they don’t understand it—it’s either because y’all have a problem you need to work through or they shouldn’t be in your life. You either want to do life with people (meaning interact with them happily), or you shouldn’t have them in your life. Period. I know this seems almost blasphemous to some people, but you really, truly don’t have to hang out with people who are negative or mean or make you anxious or bring out the worst in you. Even family. There are whole groups of blood relatives I haven’t interacted with since I became an adult. As a child I didn’t have a choice, but as an adult I decided I wouldn’t ever allow people into my home and around my children who were mean or prone to creating drama or passive-aggressively bullying others. That’s not the way we behave, and though it makes me sad because I miss the good times we had, I’m not willing to allow the bad times in order to be invited to the annual summer barbecue. Be kind or leave. That’s our motto, and if you can’t abide by it, then you’re not the type of person I want in my life.
2. PREPARE BEFORE YOU SEE THEM.
More often than not, the answer isn’t to cut someone out of your life. More often than not you can recognize that they’ve got some insecurities and decide not to let it affect you. But if you wait until you’re in front of your naysayer to decide how to respond to them, you’re screwed. That’s like being on a diet and waiting until you’re starving to figure out what to eat. You’ve got a zero-percent chance of being the person you want to be if you’re not intentional about it. Hope is not a strategy, remember? So the next time you’re headed into a scenario where you’ll likely interact with people who aren’t supportive, ask yourself in advance how you can circumnavigate it.
Please note that I didn’t say avoid it. Heading to Thanksgiving with a plan to drink as much pinot as possible to numb yourself to their comments is not an effective strategy. Believe me, I know from personal experience. Instead, ask yourself what is likely to come up. Steel yourself for the comments and have your responses ready to go. Know your why. Remind yourself what you’re doing this for and why it matters so much to you. Prepare yourself physically. Listen to some great pump-up music to get you in the right headspace, and decide that this experience and interaction is going to be fantastic because you won’t allow it to be anything else. If the interaction will be difficult because it has to do with diet or health or exercise, consider eating or working out or whatever you need to do before you interact. That way it’s already done.
A few years ago I became a pescetarian, and when I went to family parties there often wasn’t much I could eat. People noticed my mostly empty plate, which led to lots of comments and teasing about “going LA on us.” Many times I’d buckle and eat something I didn’t want to eat but leave the party frustrated and annoyed. I needed to prepare myself for a more successful interaction with people who might not understand my choices. Now I just make a big salad and a great veggie side dish for every family party. This way I’ve got something to eat that’s on my diet, and my plate is full, so no one questions what is or isn’t there. Also, my salads are bomb, so everybody wins.
3. PLAN INTENTIONALLY TO MAKE IT EASIER.