“Stop staring at me. You’re making me nervous.”
Jake and Tommy laughed as Danny tried to stifle a smile. “There’s nothing to be nervous about. It’s just an oil change, and it’s one of our beater cars. You can’t screw it up.”
“Yes she can,” Jake said. “If she strips the drain plug, that shit’s gonna be leaking everywhere.”
“See?” Leah said, gesturing at Jake.
“Ignore him,” Danny said, coming up next to her and making sure the hood prop was secure. “If you strip the plug, I’ll just make him replace the oil pan.”
“What the f*ck?” Jake said. “If she strips the plug, I’ll just get a new plug. Why the hell would I have to replace the entire pan?”
“Because you’re a dick, and I said so,” Danny responded as he tucked a strand of Leah’s hair behind her ear.
She pressed her lips together, fighting a smile as Danny said, “You won’t screw it up. I’m right here.”
Leah exhaled heavily before she turned to face the open hood. “Let’s do it.”
Danny smirked as he came up behind her, resting his hands on her hips and his chin on her shoulder. “Okay, so you have your supplies. What do you do first?”
Leah chewed the corner of her lip, and Danny found himself wanting to spin her around and soothe it with his tongue before he slammed the hood of the car down and laid her across it.
And if it hadn’t been for Tommy and Jake, he would have.
She scrunched her nose before she asked, “Remove the oil filter cap?”
Danny smiled and nodded his approval. “Good,” he said, gesturing to it, and Leah reached in and removed it easily, handing it off to him.
“Okay,” Jake said, leaning on the other side of the hood with his hands. “The easy part’s over. Time to get on your back.”
Before Danny could even intervene, Leah turned to him. “Yeah, well, I would assume any woman you told to ‘get on her back’ should be prepared to suffer.”
Tommy did a spit-take before he started choking on his soda as Danny burst out laughing behind her. Jake’s initial look of shock quickly transitioned into one of pride.
“The force is strong with this one,” he said to Danny before he nudged the creeper over to them with his foot.
Danny stopped it with his own before he grinned down at her. “Ready?”
“As I’ll ever be,” she said, turning to sit on the creeper.
He leaned down and handed her a pair of latex gloves, and she took them from him and put them on before snapping them at her wrist. “I feel very official,” she said, holding out her hand. “Socket wrench.”
“Socket wrench,” Tommy said with a salute before handing it off to her, and she lay back on the creeper and used her feet to propel herself underneath the car.
“You got the pan set up where I showed you?” Danny asked, crouching beside the car.
“Yep. So I just remove this plug, right?”
“Right. Once you get it off, it’s gonna come out fast, so move quick or you’ll get it all over you.”
“That’s what she said,” Jake said from the other side of the car, and Danny heard Leah laugh beneath it.
“Come on, Danny, you made that way too easy for him,” she said through a grunt, and he could hear the sounds of her trying to remove the drain plug.
After a minute he heard a muffled shriek, followed by the sound of oil hitting the pan.
“Oh my God, so gross,” she whimpered, and Danny laughed.
“Nice job! You did it.”
Her oil-covered hand came out from underneath the side of the car. “I need the rag to clean the plug.”
Tommy reached down and handed it to her before he lifted his eyes to Danny’s. “With all due respect, man? This is kind of hot.”
“Agreed,” Jake said.
He would have told them both to shut the f*ck up—if he hadn’t been thinking the exact same thing.
Danny stood and leaned back against the car next to the one Leah was working on, watching her legs shift with her movements as Tommy walked her through how to remove the oil filter.
She was the only reason he was okay. The only thing in the past three weeks that could make him smile.
That could make him forget.
The week after Bryan’s death had been unbearable. Danny had promised himself he would spend the last few weeks leading up to his sentencing making the most out of the time he had left, trying to soak up and appreciate every second of his freedom.
But enjoying himself in any capacity right after losing Bryan felt wrong. It felt callous and cold and disrespectful of his memory.
So he spent the week existing in a self-imposed vacuum; he got up, went to work, ate meals, and carried on conversations as if he were programmed to do it.
It was rote, and robotic, and forced, and empty.
The entire time, Leah was there—giving him space when he wanted it and support when he required it. He didn’t even have to vocalize what he wanted; it was like she could read his needs before he could, like she was always two steps ahead of him.
Danny knew she must have been remembering her own suffering, that she was using what she knew of the feeling to make everything easier for him.
He hated that she had to experience everything alongside him, but he didn’t know how to move on. He was stuck in some horrible catch twenty-two, torn between his veneration for his best friend and his promise to the woman he loved.
The weekend after they took Bryan off life support, he and Leah had been lying in bed, and out of nowhere she asked him to tell her something he’d always wanted to do. They spent the next hour talking about it, running through their lists, and at some point Leah had gotten up and grabbed a pen and pad; she divided the paper in half and labeled the left side “One Day”—Leah had always wanted to go to Santorini, and Danny wanted to learn how to fly a plane—and the right side was labeled “Right Now”—Danny wanted to have dinner at Per Se in Manhattan, and Leah wanted to spend an entire day at a spa.
They talked until Leah had filled both columns to the bottom of the page, and after she had placed the pad on the nightstand and lay back down beside him, she told him she wanted to accomplish as many of her “Right Now” items as she could in the next few weeks.
And then she asked if he would help her do it.
He knew what she was doing; if he was helping her, it was an excuse to exist in the world again, to enjoy his time with her without feeling guilty.
She was absolving him of any culpability for moving on.
She had one of the most beautiful souls of anyone he’d ever known, and Danny wondered if he’d ever stop being amazed by her compassion.
The following weekend Danny went with Leah to Zen Day Spa, and just as he had committed himself to sitting in the waiting area with his phone and a magazine for a few hours, the receptionist called both of their names. They spent the next hour getting a couple’s massage, and after that, Danny was sent to the sauna while Leah got a pedicure. By the time he came out, he felt heavy and sedated, and beautifully unwound for the first time in weeks.
And then they went to the reflexology room.
Danny had no idea that pressure points in a person’s feet could affect the function of their internal organs, and even their mood. In fact, he wouldn’t have believed it if he hadn’t experienced it himself, but as the woman began the massage, he could feel his headache disappear for the first time in days, the slight but constant nausea he’d been feeling slowly melt away.
Before they left the spa, Danny purchased a book on massage and reflexology from the front desk, and he and Leah spent the rest of the weekend reading it and practicing different techniques on each other.
He could think of worse ways to spend his weekend than with his hands all over Leah.
After that, Danny started spending every night at her apartment. His own place was gradually becoming unlivable as he began breaking it down and putting his things in storage, but in reality, he could have made staying there work. It was just that she had managed to wake him from his fog, and in resurfacing he found himself needing her like air.
He didn’t want to be away from her any more than he had to.
The following weekend, Leah surprised him by taking him to Per Se. They ordered a ridiculously expensive dinner and drank quality wine and spent the night making love on her living-room floor with Leah’s Ray LaMontagne CD playing on repeat in the background.
And now, Danny had arranged for Leah to cross another “Right Now” off her list—she told him she wanted to learn how to do something on a car that most girls didn’t know how to do. Something useful, like changing a tire.
So he explained to her how to do an oil change, and when she passed his “verbal quiz,” he decided she was ready to come down to the shop and put her new knowledge to use. She was hesitant at first, but now, as he watched her stick her head out from under the car and reach for the new filter Jake held, he could see that her confidence had won over her anxiety.
He couldn’t believe how quickly the days were disappearing. Time was a relative concept—Danny had always been aware of that. What he couldn’t understand was why the relativity never seemed to work in a person’s favor. For a specialist working to disarm a bomb, a minute is a mere blink of an eye—a fleeting breath. But for a mother waiting to hear her baby’s cry for the first time, a minute can be a lifetime, an endless stretch of anxious silence.
In a little over two weeks, he’d be standing in a courtroom, waiting for the decision that would dictate the next several years of his life. Just two more weeks. It might as well have been tomorrow, considering how quickly the past three and a half weeks had gone by.
And yet somehow he was sure time wouldn’t grant him the kindness of speed once he was locked away.
He watched Leah slide out from under the car, an oil-soaked rag in her hand as she ran the back of her forearm over her forehead, leaving a smudge of oil as she swiped the hair out of her eyes.
“Alright,” she said as she stood. “Now what? Oil, and then I’m done, right?”
Danny smiled as he noticed the second smudge on the side of her chin.
“Did you retighten the drain plug?”
“Yep.”
“Lube the O-ring on the new filter?”
“Lubed and ready,” she said before holding her hand out to where Jake stood a few feet away, giving him the floor.
“That’s what she said,” he said casually as he searched through one of the toolboxes, and Leah nodded, turning her attention back to Danny.
He laughed as he pushed off the car and walked toward her. “Good job. Oil and then you’re done,” he said, leaning close to her ear when he reached her. “And then I’m taking you somewhere we can be alone,” he whispered.
Danny saw the corner of her mouth lift before she turned her head slightly, looking over her shoulder at him.
“You’re liking this, huh?” she whispered.
He nodded once. “A lot.”
Her smile grew more pronounced as she turned a bit further, her lips almost touching his. “In that case, can the guys do the rest?”
Danny didn’t say a word as he grabbed her hand and turned, towing her behind him as he made his way toward the door. “Finish the job,” he called over his shoulder, and just before the door swung shut behind them, he heard Jake call back, “That’s what she said!”
Spring break.
Traditionally, it was a time of year teachers prayed for, counting down the days until it became a reality. By the time spring break rolled around, the year was wearing out its welcome—the students all had spring fever, a precursor to summertime laxity. Everyone was desperate for a little reprieve.
But for the first time since she’d started teaching, Leah found herself wishing it would never come.
Because once it was over, he’d be leaving.
He’d been spending the night at her apartment for the past few weeks, but now that Leah wasn’t working, they spent their days together too—if they weren’t down at Catherine’s or at the shop, they were back at his apartment cleaning. It was nearly empty now, with all his things in storage or with Catherine or the guys. With each passing day, Leah felt like she was being gutted along with the rooms. Scrubbing and washing and vacuuming and dusting what was left provided her with something to do other than stare at the barren space while trying to keep her heart from shredding into nothing.
By Thursday of that week, Danny’s entire apartment was immaculate—from his ceiling fans to his appliances to his floorboards and everything in between. They had worked until the sun went down, and by that time, they were filthy and starving and far too tired to even think about going out for food. There were no table or chairs left at his place, but they ordered Chinese and ate it straight out of the cartons, sitting on the floor in the middle of his stark living room.
Leah looked around the empty space as she chewed a bite of her eggroll. She’d spent the better part of the week pretending she was just helping him move, but even something that simple came with a sense of sadness.
An essence of finality.
“Are you sad about leaving this place?” she asked, and Danny looked up at her before he smirked.
“You’re cute.”
“Why is that cute? I’m being serious.”
“I know. That’s why it’s cute. And no, I’m not sad about leaving this place. It’s just an apartment,” he said, taking a bite of his eggroll.
“Yeah, but…it’s been your home for six years.”
He shook his head. “It’s been where I’ve lived for six years. I wouldn’t call it home. There’s a difference to me.”
Leah nodded as she looked down, twirling her fork in her hand; he didn’t need to explain any further—she knew exactly what he meant.
“So, since you were down for a picnic dinner, is it safe to assume you’re down for a living-room camp-out?”
“A living-room camp-out? What are we, six?”
Danny smiled. “Seriously, though, I’m f*cking beat. Do you really feel like making the drive back to your place right now?”
Leah sighed. “No, not really.”
He got up on his knees and began collecting some of the empty containers. “That settles it then. Living-room camp-out.” Danny winked before he stood, taking the garbage into the kitchen.
Leah laughed as she grabbed the rest of the trash and followed him. “Okay, well, in that case, I’m gonna take a shower. You let me know when the campsite is ready.”
He chuckled as she leaned in and kissed his cheek before she made her way toward the bathroom, turning on the shower and setting the water as hot as it could go. The sharp sting of it burned and then soothed, taking the tension out of her muscles as it washed away the grime of the day, and she found herself wanting to stand there under the stream until it washed away the constant ache in her chest as well.
When she finally turned off the water, the air was thick with steam, and as Leah stepped out from behind the curtain, she could just make out one of his shirts, folded on the edge of his sink and waiting for her.
She pulled it over her head, opting to wear nothing underneath so that the soft, worn cotton that smelled like detergent and Danny could touch her skin unobstructed.
After running her fingers through her wet hair to remove the tangles, Leah walked out to the living room, fighting a smile when she saw him.
He was crouched on the floor, setting up two sleeping bags. One was maroon.
And the other was Batman.
“Rock Paper Scissors for the Batman sleeping bag,” she said, and he glanced up at her, his expression serious.
“F*ck that. Batman’s mine.”
Leah laughed, holding her hands up in defeat. “Okay, okay. But only because the camp-out was your idea.”
He stood as she walked into the living room, and Leah watched his eyes travel over her body.
“You look good in my shirt.”
She smiled. “You say that every time I wear one of them.”
“Do I?” he asked, taking a step toward her.
She took a quick step back, holding up her hand and jerking a thumb over her shoulder. “I don’t think so, buddy. Hit the showers first.”
The shock on his face was comical, and Leah tried not to laugh when his dimples appeared.
“You know, you’re lucky you’re cute,” he said, leaning forward and brushing his lips against hers before he made his way past her toward the bathroom. A few seconds later, she heard the shower turn on, and Leah smiled as she climbed into the maroon sleeping bag and lay back, blinking up at the ceiling.
And then she instantly regretted making him take a shower.
It was too easy for her thoughts to run rampant in this desolate room. Keeping busy, making sure she never had an idle moment, making sure she was never by herself for long periods of time, it was her method of survival for the past month. She wouldn’t have survived it any other way.
Keep yourself busy. Keep your body moving. Keep your mind distracted.
But now there was nothing but silence, and time, and her.
When she was with Danny, it was so easy to pretend everything was normal. It was when she was alone that the reality of their situation reared its ugly head, because it was then that she started to imagine what it was going to be like without him.
Leah closed her eyes and started reciting passages and quotes from To Kill a Mockingbird in an attempt to occupy her mind.
Thankfully he showered quickly, and it wasn’t long before he reappeared in the living room, clad in only his boxers. Danny came to the floor next to her and slid into the Batman sleeping bag, and Leah immediately turned onto her side to face him.
“Comfortable?” he asked, shifting onto his side and propping his head up on his hand.
“Very. My sleeping bag is actually surprisingly cushy. I think you chose poorly,” she said, nodding toward his.
“Please. Try to keep your jealousy in check.”
Leah smirked, and he grinned at her before he lifted the side of the sleeping bag, holding it open.
“What are you doing? Flashing me?”
He burst out laughing. “Get your mind out of the gutter. I’m inviting you in. You need to experience the wonder that is Batman to fully appreciate what a piece of shit your sleeping bag is.”
“We’re not gonna fit,” she said with a laugh, and he shrugged.
“Let’s try.”
She smiled as she sat up and wiggled out of her sleeping bag before crawling over to him. As soon as she was inside, he draped the sleeping bag over their bodies and reached behind her, struggling with the zipper.
After a minute she said, “I told you it wouldn’t work.”
No sooner than the words left her mouth, she felt the sleeping bag grow a bit tighter around them as he zipped it closed. He smiled triumphantly as he lay back, pulling her partially on top of him.
“Damn you.” She sighed, laying her head on his chest. “Batman does kick maroon’s ass.”
“Told you,” he said, trailing his fingertips over her lower back.
“I’m ruined now. How can I ever go back there?”
“You’re not going anywhere,” he said into her hair, and she smiled.
“Aren’t you uncomfortable with me lying on you like this?”
“I’ve never been more comfortable.”
She laughed softly as she tightened her arms around him, and for a minute they just lay there in contented silence.
“So,” she heard him say, and his serious tone caused her to lift her head. “Did you do what I asked?”
Leah reached up and brushed the hair away from his forehead. “I did.”
It was quiet for a few seconds before he took a breath and asked, “And are you okay?”
A tiny smile curved her lips. “I am.”
He stared up at her, and Leah could see that he was gauging her honesty.
Danny had become a permanent fixture in Leah’s family. He had been at every Sunday dinner since that first one in January, and everyone adored him. And it was for that reason Danny had asked her a few weeks ago to tell them the truth about what was going on with him.
“It feels like lying,” he had said to her. “They’ve all been good to me, and I don’t like being dishonest with them. They need to know.”
And while she knew he was right, Leah kept avoiding it at every turn. She just didn’t want things to change; enough change was coming her way to last a lifetime, and she didn’t think she could handle any more. She had no way of knowing if learning the truth would ruin their opinion of him, but she just couldn’t bring herself to chance it.
Plus, if she were being honest with herself, she didn’t want to discuss it with anyone. Discussing it made it real, and she was enjoying the fantasy world she and Danny had created for themselves—one where there was no looming future, just them in the present, crossing things off their wish lists and enjoying each other.
At first Danny had been lenient with her when she’d come up with excuses as to why she didn’t get around to telling them, but last weekend he finally put his foot down.
“I know it’s not a conversation you’re looking forward to,” he had said to her. “But it needs to be done. And it needs to be done before I go to court. I don’t want them finding out after the fact; that’s f*cking spineless, and they deserve more respect than that. So if you can’t do it, then I’m going to. But it needs to happen before this week is over. We’ve put it off long enough.”
So that morning, before she headed down to Danny’s apartment to finish cleaning, she took her family out to breakfast, and she told them. Surprisingly, she didn’t cry. She was so nervous that she was incapable of doing anything except reciting the words she had practiced a million times the night before.
She should have known how they would react. If there was one thing her family was good at, it was pulling together and supporting one another in a crisis.
Rather than being horrified or disgusted or angry, they were sad—for her and for Danny.
“Don’t hate him,” she had quietly implored them. “The Danny you know…that’s the real him. He’s not a bad person. He didn’t intend for any of this to happen.”
And Leah’s father had taken her hand and said, “You don’t have to defend him, Leah. You don’t think I understand the feeling of being ferociously protective of your family? He’s a good kid who made a big mistake. And now he’s going to pay for it. It’s going to be hard. For both of you. But if he’s what you want, princess, then I’ll do whatever I can to make this a little easier for you. All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy.”
Danny ran his hand through Leah’s hair, pulling her from her musings, and she looked down in time to see his throat bob as he swallowed nervously.
“So what did your dad say?” he asked.
She shifted so that she was lying fully on top of him, and his hands slipped under her shirt, holding her waist gently as he looked up at her.
“He asked if you would bring some cannoli from Giovanni’s to Easter dinner this Sunday.”
Danny stared up at her for a second, and when his dimples began to appear, Leah laughed softly, slipping her hand behind his neck and pulling him up for a kiss.
The hurt will be temporary, she reminded herself as his lips moved against hers.
This is the forever.