“Rise and shine, gorgeous.”
Leah flinched as a flash of brightness penetrated the room, assaulting her eyes even though they were still closed.
She pulled her brow together and rolled over, burying her face in the pillow and away from the offensive light as she curled her comforter into her chest.
“Nuh-uh,” Holly said, grabbing her blanket and giving it a firm yank, forcing Leah onto her back again. “Come on. Up you go.”
“Holly, what the hell?” Leah rasped, her voice gravelly with sleep and disuse. She sat up slowly, rubbing her eyes with the heels of her hands.
“It’s almost noon, Leah. Time to get up.”
“How did you even get in here?” Leah snapped, and Holly laughed.
“I have a key, remember?”
“Yeah, for emergencies.”
“This is an emergency,” Holly said, sitting on the edge of her bed. “I need to go shopping, and Robyn’s babysitting her nieces today, so I have no reinforcements.”
Leah’s hands dropped from her eyes as she turned her head, staring blankly at her friend. “We clearly have conflicting definitions of that word.”
Holly smiled. “Up you go, lovely,” she said, grabbing Leah’s hands and jerking her forcefully from the bed.
“Jesus!” Leah complained as she stumbled with the blanket tangled around her foot. “Take it easy!”
“Get in the shower,” Holly said, completely unfazed. “How long has it been since you’ve done that, by the way?” she added, making a face.
“Holly, I’m tired,” Leah said listlessly. “I just want to go back to bed.”
“And you can. As soon as we get back.”
Leah’s shoulders dropped as Holly said, “You’re making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. Shower, shop, home. So come on,” she said with a sharp clap of her hands. “Let’s get moving.”
Leah would have protested again if she thought it would do any good, but she’d known Holly too long. It was either do what she asked or spend the next few hours dealing with her nonsense.
“I hate you,” Leah grumbled, and Holly grabbed her wrist, pulling her toward the bathroom.
“That’s okay,” she said. “I still love you, and I’m very difficult to get rid of.” She leaned into the shower and turned on the water.
Leah folded her arms. “Are you gonna take my clothes off and wash me too, or can I handle it from here?”
“There was a time I may have taken you up on that offer, but mama’s let herself go lately,” she said, gesturing at Leah. “Clean yourself up and ask me again later.”
Leah didn’t want to smile, but she couldn’t help it.
Holly laughed before she walked past her. “I’ll be waiting in your room,” she said before she walked out of the bathroom and closed the door.
Leah sighed heavily as she began to strip off her clothes. Every movement felt like a chore, like she was fighting against the resistance of invisible rubber bands holding every one of her limbs in place.
She stepped into the shower, turning the knob so that the water would heat up. She welcomed the burn, forced herself to stay and deal with the sting.
She knew exactly what this little day-trip was about. Subtlety had never been Holly’s strong suit.
It had been just over two weeks since her visit with Danny, and Leah hadn’t left her house for anything outside of going to work. She would come home in the afternoon and crawl into bed, sometimes immediately falling asleep and not waking until the following morning.
Those were the merciful days.
There were other times she would lie there for hours on end, staring aimlessly at the ceiling or the TV or whatever else was in front of her, unable to sink into the benevolent refuge of unconsciousness.
She forgot meals entirely. She barely bathed.
Her colleagues at work knew she was sick. At least, that’s what she’d told them to account for her bedraggled appearance, the bags under her eyes, her hair pulled sloppily into a ponytail rather than blown straight and shiny. Every day they’d ask how she was feeling, offering her their sympathies and their diagnoses and their home remedies.
But there was only one cure for what ailed her. And it was unattainable.
A constant ache resided in her chest—a crushing pain that had her wondering if it were actually possible for a heart to break. If it were feasible for an organ to shatter, sending jagged shards throughout her body that pierced her with every movement.
Sharp reminders of her misery.
She had never endured this type of suffering before. When Leah had lost her mother, it had been impossible to be with her. She was gone—no longer in existence. When she had lost Scott, there was no desire to be near him ever again.
But with Danny, she needed him so desperately it consumed her. And he was out there. Living and breathing and existing. And completely out of her reach.
It was the cruelest type of torment.
He hadn’t contacted her at all since she’d gone to see him, which meant she couldn’t even fight for him. It wasn’t like she could call him. She couldn’t text. She couldn’t show up at his apartment begging to be heard. And even if she could, what would be the point? He’d made it clear what he wanted.
No, it was easier to just sit back and let the desolation have her. She didn’t have the energy to fight against it this time.
Leah got out of the shower and brushed her wet hair, tying it back into a low ponytail without blow-drying it. And then she walked out of the bathroom, bypassing her makeup case yet again.
“I picked out an outfit for you,” Holly said, holding up a pair of skinny jeans and a cute flowered tank.
“No,” Leah said, walking toward her dresser and opening the bottom drawer where she kept her yoga pants and sweats.
She heard Holly sigh heavily. “Fine,” she said, tossing the clothes on Leah’s bed. “You’re agreeing to come, so I’ll give you this one concession. You can look like a complete dirtbag if it will make you feel better.”
“It will,” Leah said flatly as she pulled on a pair of charcoal yoga pants.
As they drove to the mall, Holly kept up a steady stream of small talk, filling Leah in on the everyday occurrences and little tidbits of life she’d missed out on over the past two weeks. Apparently, the shopping trip was for a party Evan had been invited to the following weekend. His ex-girlfriend was going to be there, so Holly needed to look “devastatingly sexy,” as she put it.
Leah followed her through the mall, nodding when she was supposed to, smiling when she was supposed to, answering when she was required to, all the while counting down the minutes until she could crawl back into her bed.
They walked through the department store, and Holly pulled dress after dress off the rack, holding it out and examining it before tossing it over her arm or hanging it back up with a shake of her head.
“I think you’ve got enough,” Leah said, gesturing toward the mountain of fabric piled over her friend’s arm.
Holly shrugged. “I don’t know that any of these are devastating, but I’ll try them on. We can always go to a different store after this.”
Please, Leah thought, please let one of them be devastating.
They walked into one of the fitting rooms, and Holly dropped the heap of dresses on the bench in the corner. “You have to be honest,” she said, pulling her shirt over her head. “Don’t yes me to death because you want to go home. If you send me to a party with Evan’s ex looking like a heifer, I’ll spend the rest of my life torturing you.”
“How will that be different from what you already do?”
Holly smiled. “There she is! Oh, how I’ve missed bitchy Leah.”
Leah smiled half-heartedly as Holly reached over and grabbed a dress off the top of the pile, handing it to Leah. “Here, put this on,” she said, taking the next one for herself.
“What? Why?”
“I don’t know. Because it’s fun to try on dresses. Humor me,” she said, pulling a dark green cocktail dress over her head.
Humor her. The quicker she’s happy, the quicker you can get out of here.
Leah stripped her clothes off and stepped into the dress, pulling it up over her torso, and Holly came behind her, zipping it up.
It was a beautiful dress—simple, but elegant, chocolate-colored and strapless, fitting snugly around her middle and flowing out softly from her hips in a billowy skirt that hit just above her knee.
“Your body looks sick in this,” Holly said.
Leah stared at her reflection: the slumped shoulders, the purplish rings under her eyes, the pallid skin, her hair flat and un-styled, her vacant stare.
She saw herself standing alone, without him at her side, and because of that, there was nothing beautiful about what she was looking at, no matter what she was wearing.
“Seriously, this is gorgeous on you,” Holly said.
“Yeah, it’s pretty,” Leah agreed, turning so Holly could unzip her. “And not that one,” she added, referencing the dress Holly was wearing. “It makes you look boxy.”
Holly’s eyes met hers in the mirror and she smiled. “That was a test, and you passed with flying colors, my darling.”
Leah shook her head and laughed softly, stepping out of the brown dress and putting it back on the hanger.
About an hour later, they were hanging Holly’s unwanted dresses on the rack outside the fitting rooms. She had chosen a red sheath dress that emphasized her incredible legs, and the color was guaranteed to turn every head in whatever room she walked into. Leah had assured her if she paired it with some platform heels and red lipstick, against the dark tone of her hair, she would most certainly be devastating.
When she picked up the brown dress, Holly turned to Leah. “You need to buy this. It looked amazing on you.”
Leah shook her head. “I have nowhere to wear a dress like this,” she said, taking it from her and hanging it on the rack.
“Maybe not right now, but you will one day. This dress needs to be on reserve in your closet. It’s too perfect on you. I’m not taking no for an answer,” she said, taking the dress off the rack and hanging it over her arm with the red one before walking to the register.
“Not taking no for an answer?” Leah mumbled to herself. “Shocking.”
“I heard that,” Holly called over her shoulder.
They paid for their dresses, and as they were walking out of the department store, Holly pressed a hand to her stomach.
“I’m starving. Can we stop and get something quick?”
Leah shrugged. “If you want.”
“I’m dying for one of those Greek salads from that place in the food court. You want one?”
“I’m not really that hungry,” Leah said.
“Get one. You can pick at it, and if you don’t finish it, you can take it home.”
Leah sighed, resigning herself to the fact that Holly was going to get her way in every aspect of today’s outing.
A few minutes later, they were sitting at a small table in the corner of the food court with their salads on plastic trays, and Holly smiled.
“Thanks for being a trouper today.”
Leah smiled softly, reaching to open her bottle of water.
“So, since I forced you out of your comfort zone and you were such a good sport about it,” Holly said as she sifted through her salad, “you can call the shots now. Do you want to talk about him, or not talk about him?”
Leah lifted her eyes to see Holly watching her as she took a bite of her salad.
The shards in her chest came to life, twisting and piercing and slicing.
God, she wanted to. She wanted to say his name. She wanted to hear his name. She wanted to talk about him every minute of every day of every week until she could make sense of everything that had happened.
Until she could figure out a way back into his heart.
But whenever she thought about him, it hurt so badly she could hardly breathe through it.
She couldn’t stand not being part of his life anymore—couldn’t stand the thought of him alone in that place. She hated picturing him in a cell, wondering if he was sad, or scared, or angry. Wondering if he was lonely. Wondering if he thought of her even a fraction of the times she thought about him.
“I feel like I can’t breathe without him,” she said, her chin trembling as the words left her mouth. “I miss him.”
“Of course you do,” Holly said. “Let yourself miss him. Don’t fight that.”
Leah nodded as two tears slipped over her lashes, and she swiped at them quickly.
“But what you’ve been doing these past few weeks? That’s not missing him. That’s mourning him. There’s a difference.”
Leah raised her eyes to Holly’s.
“And I’m sorry, but I won’t let you do that. It’s not over for you guys. So there’s nothing to mourn.”
“Holly—”
“Remember when we were in seventh grade,” Holly said, cutting her off, “and N’SYNC was going to be on TRL? And we camped out in Times Square for two days so we could see them when they arrived?”
Leah pulled her brow together as she swiped at another tear. “Yeah.”
“And you had your whole plan. Do you remember?”
The corner of Leah’s mouth lifted in a half-hearted smile. “Yeah. I was going to sing for Justin Timberlake so he would take me on tour with the band.”
Holly laughed as she took another bite of her salad. “And what happened when he finally walked by you?”
“You shoved me, and I face-planted in front of everyone.”
“Hold on,” Holly said, holding up her hand, “what happened before that?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, what happened before I pushed you?”
Leah shrugged. “Nothing.”
“Exactly,” she said. “Nothing. And why not? You had a plan. You practiced for weeks trying to make your voice sound a little less like a cat getting a root canal.”
Leah threw her napkin at Holly and she batted it away easily. “You were ready,” she said, not missing a beat. “So why didn’t you go through with it?”
“I don’t know,” Leah said, sifting through her salad. “I panicked.”
“Right. You freaked, and you bailed. So…I shoved you.”
“And I landed flat on my face in front of him with my skirt practically over my head!”
Holly pointed at Leah with her fork. “That wasn’t my fault. Who wears a skirt in the middle of January?”
A breathy laugh fell from Leah’s lips as she looked down at her salad.
“But you remember what happened after I shoved you, don’t you?”
Leah sighed. “He helped me up and asked if I was okay.”
“And?”
“And he helped me back behind the barricade.”
“And?”
Leah smiled softly. “And he signed my CD, and I got a picture with him.”
“Exactly. You’re welcome, by the way.”
Leah laughed to herself as she twirled her fork between her fingers.
After a few seconds of silence, Holly sighed in exasperation. “You still don’t get it, do you?”
“Get what?”
She gave Leah a patronizing look. “You had a plan. You thought you were prepared. But when it was go-time, you panicked. You got scared, and you bailed.”
Leah blinked at her. “Okay?”
“Jesus, Leah! You still don’t see it?”
“See what?”
“That Danny’s just panicking!” she shouted. “He thought he was prepared, and he wasn’t, and it scared the shit out of him, so he backed out! It’s the same damn scenario!”
Leah stared at her friend, trying to swallow the lump in her throat. After a stunned second, she shook her head. “I don’t think—”
“He loves you,” Holly interrupted, her voice softening significantly. “You know he does, Leah. I can see it in your face, even now. He’s just scared. That’s all this is.”
Leah swiped at a fresh round of tears with shaking hands.
“He just needs someone to shove him. Hard.”
Leah laughed through a sob as she wiped her nose with her napkin, and Holly smiled as she picked her fork back up.
“So,” she said, looking pointedly at Leah. “Are you gonna shove him?”
Leah inhaled deeply as she picked apart her napkin. “I don’t know,” she said softly. “I don’t know if I can. If he even wants me to. I don’t know anything anymore.”
“Alright then, here’s the deal, chica,” Holly said, her expression turning serious. “I’m going to give you as much time as you need. I’m going to let you miss him. I’m going to let you cry rivers upon rivers if you feel like you need to, and you can talk about him as much as you want, until his name sounds like nails on a chalkboard if it makes you feel better. But I will not let you keep doing what you’ve been doing these past few weeks. If this is gonna get fixed, then one of you has to keep it together. And I don’t think it’s fair to expect it to be him.”
Leah swallowed before she nodded slowly.
“Okay then,” Holly said with a nod. “Now let’s finish these salads so we can go get some shoes.”
They spent the next hour at the mall, looking for shoes to go with their new dresses, and the entire time, Leah kept replaying Holly’s words over in her mind.
They swam through her, collecting the little splinters in her chest so that each subsequent breath seemed a little easier to take.
If this is gonna get fixed, then one of you has to keep it together.
She wanted to fix it—more than she’d ever wanted anything in her life—but she felt the same way Holly looked the day she tried to put together Evan’s entertainment center: the instructions were in front of her, all the tools right there at her disposal, and yet she didn’t know where to begin.
When Holly dropped Leah off a little while later, she gave her a hug and told her she would call her the next day, and Leah walked up the path and through the front door to the utter paradox that was her apartment. It was the only place she felt at peace, yet at the same time, it was an endless source of torture.
The fact that Danny had spent every night and practically every day at her apartment for a month before he left made his absence that much more jarring.
His memory was all around her, in every single room.
Leah walked back to her closet and hung up the bag that held her dress before she kicked off her shoes and climbed into her bed, pulling the comforter up to her chin.
And then she closed her eyes, drifting off to sleep as Holly’s words continued to course through her, gradually collecting little pieces of her fragmented heart.