Morning.
She knew it before she even opened her eyes, and Leah felt her heart drop into her stomach.
She could feel Danny pressed up against her back, his arm draped over her waist and his breath fluttering her hair. She opened her eyes slowly, and it took a second for them to focus on the clock.
It was five after seven. The alarm was set for eight, but she knew there was no way she’d be able to go back to sleep now.
Leah rolled slowly under his arm, careful not to jostle him as she turned to face him. He always looked so beautiful when he slept—so peaceful—and she found herself fighting the urge to touch his face, his lips, his jaw.
And then suddenly, an image of Danny sleeping on a tiny cot in a cell flashed in her mind, and she squeezed her eyes shut, trying desperately to rid the image from her head.
But the floodgates had opened.
Image after image of Danny in prison flashed before her eyes: Danny wearing some type of prison jumpsuit, walking through a corridor in handcuffs. Danny at a table in some sort of cafeteria, eating what looked like a pathetic school lunch off a plastic tray. Danny sitting in a bare room with a bed, a toilet, and zero privacy.
She opened her eyes quickly, not wanting to see any more, and she was greeted with his beautiful face, innocent and untroubled in sleep.
She felt her composure slipping rapidly, and Leah struggled to get out of bed as quickly as possible without disturbing him. She pressed her lips together as her vision blurred, and just as she slunk out from beneath his arm, she felt the first round of tears spill over.
Leah padded over to the bathroom quickly, shutting the door softly behind her before she ran to turn the water on in the shower. As soon as the sound of rushing water filled the room, she slumped to the floor, burying her mouth against the crook of her elbow as she burst into tears.
Violent sobs racked her body, and she curled in on herself, gasping for air as she tried with all her might to keep the sounds muffled against her arm. She couldn’t let him hear this. She had told him she was strong enough to take care of herself, that he didn’t need to worry about her.
She wanted so badly for that to be true.
When Leah gained some semblance of control—when the ferocious sobbing subsided into pathetic little hiccups and sighs, she stood up and climbed into the shower, standing under the stream with her eyes closed as she replayed every beautiful moment from the night before in an effort to calm herself down. Every word, every touch, every smile. And then she remembered waking frantically several times throughout the night, reaching out for him in a panic, and her heart sank.
It killed him, seeing her suffer because of him. She knew it did. She’d heard it in his voice. And she couldn’t allow him to see that level of weakness again. She would not let him carry that burden.
And just like that, Leah felt her resolve click into place.
She opened her eyes, allowing the last of her tears to run down her face with the water, and then she tilted her head back, letting the warm stream wash the remnants of salt from her cheeks.
She would not cry again. Not today.
Today she would be strong for him. He needed to see that she was okay. He needed to leave knowing everything back home would be fine.
Leah finished her shower, stepping out onto the bath mat and wrapping herself in a towel before she walked to the mirror and swiped her hand across it, erasing the fog.
“Shit,” she whispered as her face was revealed in the glass. Her eyes were bloodshot and extremely swollen; there was no way this would go unnoticed.
She ran the cold water full blast, grabbing a washcloth and tossing it into the sink. Once it was saturated, she tilted her head back and laid the freezing cloth over her eyes.
After a few minutes, she tossed the rag back into the sink and sifted through her makeup case until she found some eye drops, blinking quickly as they stung her tender eyes.
Once her vision had cleared, she leaned close to the mirror, checking her reflection again.
Better, but still not great.
“Leah?”
Danny’s voice came through the door and she jumped slightly.
“Yeah?”
“You okay?”
She cleared her throat gently. “Yep, just drying off,” she said, keeping her voice as smooth as possible. “I’ll be out in a second.”
Leah grabbed her brush and ran it through her wet hair before securing the towel around her body and taking one last look in the mirror.
It was as good as it was going to get.
She took a deep breath before she turned and opened the door, walking back toward the bedroom.
He was sitting on the edge of the bed with his head down, and when he heard her come into the room, he lifted his head and smiled.
“I didn’t expect you to be up,” he said as he stood and walked toward her. Leah watched his smile fade as he got closer, finally noticing her eyes.
“I know, I look like hell,” she said, forcing a tiny laugh as she rolled her eyes and gestured toward herself. “This is what happens when I don’t get a full night’s sleep.”
“Leah,” he said, and she unraveled her towel, bringing it to her hair as she squeezed it dry.
It was a cheap move, and she knew it, but she was desperate.
His expression smoothed as his eyes dropped to take in her now naked body, and Leah turned and walked toward her dresser, sifting though one of her drawers for a bra and underwear.
“Do you want me to make you banana pancakes for breakfast?” she asked, turning to look back over her shoulder.
“Hmm?” he asked, peeling his eyes from her body and bringing them to her face.
She smiled softly. “I said, do you want me to make you banana pancakes for breakfast?”
“I can just grab something easy. You don’t have to cook.”
Leah fastened her bra behind her back as she walked over to him. “I want to,” she said, going up on her toes and kissing his mouth before she said, “Go take a shower. They’ll be ready by the time you’re done.”
Leah turned from the room then, and as soon as she made it into the kitchen, she gripped the edge of the counter and bowed her head, exhaling a trembling breath.
After a few seconds, she took a deep breath and straightened, gathering the things she’d need to make him breakfast. By the time Danny came into the kitchen, she was setting a plate full of pancakes on the table.
“It smells amazing in here,” he said, kissing her cheek before he took a seat at the table. “Oh, and Leah?”
“Yeah?” she asked as she sat across from him.
“I won’t ask you about this morning. You can get dressed now.”
Her eyes flashed to his, and the corner of his mouth lifted in a smile. “Very well played, though. I can’t deny you that.”
Leah stared at him, and as his dimples grew more defined, she felt the corners of her own mouth turn up.
They ate breakfast slowly and in relative silence, both of them seemingly lost in their own thoughts, and after cleaning up, they went back to Leah’s bedroom to get dressed.
Leah zipped up the black pencil skirt she had paired with a green capped-sleeve silk blouse. Just as she was checking herself in the mirror, Danny stepped out of the bathroom wearing his suit. He stood next to her, looking in the mirror as he adjusted his tie, and she couldn’t take her eyes off him.
It was the first time she’d seen him dressed up like that, and it killed her that it was under these circumstances. He looked so incredibly handsome, and she wanted to be celebrating something with him—holding him and laughing with him and posing for pictures.
Not fighting tears as the nausea rolled through her.
“It really does look beautiful,” he said, adjusting the knot of his tie.
“What does?” she asked softly.
“The necklace.”
She brought her hand up to it as he added, “And I meant what I said last night.”
Leah’s eyes found his in the mirror as her lips curved into a delicate smile. “I know you did.”
His eyes held hers for a moment before he returned her smile, and then he took a deep breath. “Okay then. Ready?”
Of course she wasn’t. She wasn’t anything close to resembling ready. But she nodded up at him, and he ran the backs of his fingers down her cheek before he reached to grab his wallet from the dresser. He turned back to her then, handing her his keys.
“You want me to drive your car?” she asked, glancing down at them.
“No, I’m giving these to you to hold on to. Jake will be by at some point tomorrow to get my car.”
Leah froze. Jake would be coming to get his car. Because after today…
“Okay,” she managed softly, taking the keys and turning from him quickly as she walked to the jewelry box on the other side of the room, depositing them there as she tried to compose herself.
“Is there enough gas in your car to get down there today?”
“Mm-hm,” she said with her back to him, pretending to look for something in her jewelry box.
It was quiet for a beat before he spoke softly. “Alright,” he said, and then she felt his hand on her back for a second before he continued past her and out of the bedroom.
Leah exhaled heavily and closed her eyes; it took several minutes and quite a few deep breaths before she was sure she was in control of herself, and then she opened her eyes and grabbed her purse before following him out of the room.
The ride to the courthouse was spent in pensive silence. There was nothing left to say—nothing they didn’t already know about each other’s feelings—and so they both remained quiet, preparing themselves for what lay ahead.
Leah kept her hand on the armrest, gripping it tightly. Because if she released it, she knew she would lose her grip on everything—she would be dragged into the whirlpool swirling around her, and it would suck away her composure and her sense of direction and her breath and her sanity.
Danny parked the car and they walked to the courthouse hand in hand; externally, Leah was poised and composed, but inside she could feel herself falling to pieces with every step toward that building.
The place where he was going to be taken away from her.
Unconsciously, she tightened her grip on his hand, and when he felt it, he turned his head to look at her. She kept her eyes forward, afraid of what her expression might reveal if she looked at him now.
As they neared the steps, Danny stopped abruptly, tugging on her hand so that she was forced to turn and face him. She knew her eyes were glassy as she looked up at him, but this time she couldn’t turn her gaze away.
“Before we go in there,” he said, his voice low and somewhat rough, “I just want to tell you that I love you. And I’m so, so sorry.”
“Danny,” she started, and he shook his head, silencing her as he brought his mouth to hers.
Somewhere in the back of her mind, Leah knew this was their last kiss.
She melted into him, allowing herself to feel everything: his lips, his breath, his body against hers, his hands on her waist.
And then, too soon, he was pulling away from her.
“Okay,” she heard him say to himself as he took her hand again, and then he inhaled deeply as he turned to walk up the stairs.
The second they walked through the double doors into the vast lobby, it felt as though her mind detached from her body. She knew she was physically there, seeing things and hearing things, but none of it registered. None of it felt real.
It was like she was watching the entire scene from outside herself.
She recognized Danny’s lawyer in the vestibule as he approached them, reaching out to shake Danny’s hand. He said a brief hello to Leah, and she couldn’t even be sure if she responded.
“We need to meet for a minute before we go inside,” Danny said, his voice muted through the rush of blood in her ears.
She nodded weakly, and Danny’s lawyer directed her toward the courtroom where she could wait for them. Leah approached the doors in a daze, and for a moment, she just stood there, frozen and completely overwhelmed.
And then she saw her. The lifeline she so desperately needed.
Catherine.
She was sitting in the front row behind the tiny wall that separated the rest of the room from the judge’s bench, and it was as if she sensed Leah’s desperate need to feel grounded. As soon as Leah noticed her, Catherine turned, making eye contact with her as she stood in the doorway.
And then she smiled sadly, reaching her hand out to Leah.
She practically ran to her, clutching her hand as she sat beside her, and when Leah felt Catherine rest her head against her shoulder, she closed her eyes and pressed her lips together as her chin quivered.
“We’re gonna be strong for him today,” Catherine whispered. “He doesn’t need to worry about us.”
Before Leah could even process her words, she sensed movement in front of them, and she opened her eyes. Jake was crouched in front of Catherine, with Tommy standing behind him.
“How you doing, Gram?” Jake asked gently, and Catherine shrugged, a weak smile trembling on her lips.
Jake leaned forward and kissed her cheek before he stood, turning toward Leah. She was vaguely aware of Tommy whispering something to Catherine as Jake leaned down to hug her. “No matter what happens today, everything’s gonna be okay,” he said against her ear before he straightened, smiling sadly at her before he turned and walked into the row of seats behind them.
A few minutes later, Leah heard the sound of the doors opening again, and she turned to see her father, brother, and sister taking their seats in the back. Her father made eye contact with her, a comforting look in his eyes as he blew her a kiss, and she smiled softly before turning back around.
Danny’s mother and sister were also there, sitting in the middle row. Leah had met them briefly at Danny’s apartment during one of the days they’d spent cleaning it. They had come by to pick up some things they were going to store for him, and although they seemed nice enough, she could see there was definitely a distance between them and Danny. She had known he wasn’t close to his family, but it was still such a strange thing for her to witness.
He had a family, she reminded herself. It just wasn’t his own. Wasn’t that what he’d told her?
A few minutes later, there was a murmuring and shuffling in the back of the room, and Leah turned to see Danny walking up the aisle with his lawyer beside him. His face was stoic and serene, and while that should have reassured her, it only served to make her feel sick.
They walked past the small wall and up to the table in front of the judge’s bench, taking their seats. Immediately, his lawyer leaned over and began speaking to Danny in hushed tones, and every so often, he would nod slightly in response.
Catherine’s grip on Leah’s hand tightened suddenly, and Leah glanced up to see the judge walking out from a doorway along the far wall. Everyone was asked to rise, and the judge—a middle-aged man with glasses and dark, thinning hair—approached the bench and took his seat, prompting the rest of them to follow.
From outside herself, Leah watched as he opened folders and shuffled papers, and after what seemed like an eternity, he lifted his head and spoke.
“The state of New York versus Daniel DeLuca, docket number 11D-773492. At this time I will ask Mr. DeLuca to please rise.”
Leah’s heart thudded in her chest as Danny stood.
“Mr. DeLuca, it is the court’s understanding that rather than have a trial in this case, you are submitting a plea of no contest to one count of aggravated assault, and one count of voluntary manslaughter, both felony charges. Is this correct?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Do you understand the charges that are being brought against you?”
“Yes, sir.”
The judge shuffled a few more papers before he lifted one, adjusting his glasses. “Mr. DeLuca, the court is satisfied that intent to kill was not present in this case. Based on information given by the officers on the scene, as well as witness statements and your own testimony, there is sufficient evidence that provocation was a factor. My condolences for the loss of your friend.”
Leah felt Catherine’s shoulder shake against hers, and she knew she was stifling her tears. She gave Catherine’s hand a squeeze, keeping her eyes on the judge as she tried to read his expression.
His eyes were completely impassive, giving away nothing of his thoughts.
“Taking into consideration the facts of the case and the plea agreement that was reached, at this time the court declares the defendant guilty on both counts of aggravated assault and voluntary manslaughter.”
Leah’s throat was constricting, making it difficult to take a full breath, and she swallowed hard, staring at the judge as he shuffled a few more papers.
“Mr. DeLuca, you have taken responsibility for your actions and shown remorse for your crime. The court recognizes that you reached out to the victim’s family and paid the hospital bills and funeral costs of your own accord.”
Her eyes flashed to the back of Danny’s head, immediately flooding with tears. He’d never told her that.
“The court also recognizes that you have had no prior convictions or arrests, and that you’re in good standing in your community. Taking into consideration all factors, and in accordance with the terms of the plea agreement, I’m sentencing you to twenty-one months in the Federal Correctional Institution at Fort Dix…”
Leah’s ears started ringing, a strange humming sound that blended with the droning voice of the judge until there was nothing but white noise in her head. She vaguely registered him saying something about a fine and anger management classes before the buzzing in her ears took over.
Leah felt a hand come to rest on her shoulder from behind, either Jake or Tommy, as an officer approached Danny, bringing his hands behind his back and cuffing them.
Her vision blurred and she felt as if she were going to pass out.
And then he was being led away from them, and Leah lurched forward in her seat, gripping the divider in front of her.
WAIT.
The word was thrashing around wildly in her head, but she couldn’t make her mouth say it. She needed to do something—to say something to him—to touch him one more time.
Just before Danny walked through the doors, he turned and looked in their direction. It was a split second, but in that moment, his eyes conveyed everything.
Love. Remorse. Reassurance. Bravery.
And then he turned, walking through the doorway with a cop on either side of him. The door swung closed behind them, and the sharp click resounded through the room, erasing all the other sounds swirling in her ears and leaving an unsettling silence behind it.
Catherine clutched at her, and Leah turned and wrapped her arms around the woman who had raised Danny.
As her frail, trembling hands gripped the sides of Leah’s blouse, a desperate, broken wail cut through the silence, and Leah couldn’t be sure if it was Catherine’s or hers.