He couldn’t believe he was doing this.
Danny closed his eyes and shook his head as he grabbed the pen, scribbling down Leah’s address before he closed the lid on his laptop.
It was bad enough to look up a girl’s address online, but to do it so he could show up at her place uninvited? It didn’t get much creepier than that.
He ran both hands down his face as he exhaled, because in the past twenty-four hours, he’d managed to be both a tease and an a*shole, so creep wasn’t really that far of a stretch.
He had texted her twice last night after his initial apology, once asking her to let him know she made it home okay, and the other a few hours later, asking if he could call her in the morning so they could talk. She hadn’t answered either one, and he’d gotten the worst sleep of his life because of it.
He just wanted to explain what had happened the night before. Even if she decided she never wanted to speak to him again, she still deserved an explanation.
He’d already had plans to go in to work late that morning, but now he was debating going in at all. It wasn’t just the fact that he was exhausted—he could work through that. It was because he was completely miserable, and he didn’t feel like dealing with Jake or Tommy or anyone else who would try to get to the bottom of what was up with him.
Instead, he spent the morning lying on his couch, running through all the ways he could have handled things differently last night. He’d heard the saying hindsight was twenty-twenty, but that wasn’t accurate.
Hindsight was a stupid motherf*cking a*shole.
At around ten o’clock, his phone went off with a text message, and despite the hours he spent warning himself not to get his hopes up, he couldn’t help but feel defeated when he read her words. She told him she wasn’t mad at him, but she just needed some space—that it would be best for both of them if they took a break for a while.
As much as it killed him to do it, at first he complied. He didn’t text her back, figuring that after disrespecting her the night before, the least he could do was respect her wishes now. After all, she didn’t say it was over; she just said she wanted some distance for a while.
But the problem was, he didn’t know if he had a while to give her.
Which ironically brought him full circle, because that was exactly why he shouldn’t have started anything with her in the first place. It was as if the universe was sending him a reminder: Hey, a*shole, you should have left her alone to begin with, but since you apparently have no self-control, I’m making the decision for you.
About an hour later, he finally decided to get up and go to work; he needed a distraction, and working in the garage was something that always succeeded in clearing his head.
But when Danny got to his front door, he noticed her jacket, still hanging where he had draped it the night before, and he stopped with his hand on the knob.
Did she realize she’d left it there? She hadn’t mentioned it in her text. But then again, her text wasn’t exactly conversational. Should he message her and tell her he had it? Or would she think he was just making a pathetic attempt at trying to speak to her? Although, how could it be a pathetic attempt if the jacket really was at his place?
Danny closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.
He couldn’t do this—this overanalyzing every f*cking thing until his head was spinning. And he definitely couldn’t look at that jacket every time he walked in and out of his apartment for the next few weeks.
And just like that, his decision was made. There was an easy solution to both of those problems.
He was going to go to her. He would give her back the coat, and he would tell her everything. Not just why he did what he did last night.
Everything.
He was going to lay all his cards out on the table and deal with the consequences, and if her desire for a temporary break turned permanent, well then, wasn’t that what he had been expecting from the beginning? There was no point in prolonging the inevitable anymore.
So he looked up her address. And then he sat on his couch, staring at the floor with the piece of paper in his hand and a lump of foreboding in his stomach.
He’d never had to tell anyone what he was about to tell her. The people who were important to him already knew, and those who weren’t read about it or heard about it second or third or fourth hand. But he’d never had to say the words—and he knew that somehow, saying them to her was going to make it a thousand times harder.
He pushed off the couch and walked toward the front door, grabbing her coat and his keys before he made his way downstairs. After programming her address into his GPS, he turned the radio off and started driving.
Danny spent the first half of the drive practicing what he was going to say, playing with the words to try and soften their effect, but it was a senseless exercise; any way he said it, it was horrible. In fact, the more he heard it out loud, the more awful it became until finally he cranked the radio and drove the rest of the way listening to some insipid pop music countdown.
By the time he was walking up the small pathway to her front door, his anxiety had transitioned into a sense of urgency; he just wanted to get it over with and deal with the end result, whatever it might be.
Danny took a small breath before he knocked on her door. It was a minute before he heard the sound of someone approaching from the other side, and then there was silence. He knew she must be looking through the peephole to see who was outside, but he couldn’t bring himself to lift his eyes.
The silence wore on, and for a second he thought she wouldn’t open the door. But then he heard the deadbolt slide back before she pulled the door open slightly, and he raised his eyes to hers.
Her expression was smooth as she looked at him.
Guarded.
“What are you doing here?” she asked softly.
Danny wet his lips before he held up her jacket, and she glanced down at it before bringing her eyes back to him.
“Thanks,” she said, reaching to take it from him, and he handed it over before shoving both hands in his pockets.
“I’m ready to tell you everything, Leah.”
The tiniest flicker of surprise flashed across her face before she composed her expression again, folding her jacket over her arm.
“I know I don’t deserve it,” he said, “but just hear me out. After that, if you want nothing to do with me, I promise I won’t ever bother you again.”
She stood there in silence, her eyes searching his face, and then she bit her lip before she stepped to the side, granting him access to her apartment.
He walked past her and into her living room, the nerves temporarily winning out over his resolve, and he reached up and rubbed the back of his neck as he heard her close the door behind him.
“How did you know where I lived?”
Danny jammed his hands in his pockets again. “I looked you up,” he said as he turned to face her. “I’m sorry. You weren’t answering my texts, and to be honest, I thought if I asked, you would’ve told me not to come, and I had to come. I can’t do this anymore. The partial truths and the bullshit and the secrets.”
She sighed softly, laying her coat over a nearby chair before she motioned for him to sit down. Danny lowered himself onto the edge of her couch, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees as he dropped his head.
A few seconds later, he heard her come into the room, and he looked up as she curled into the chaise lounger next to him, her eyes on the hem of her sweatshirt as she twisted it between her fingers.
He took a deep breath before he shifted to face her, and her fingers stilled as she glanced up at him.
“Last night,” Danny started, and her eyes instantly dropped. “I’m really sorry about the way I handled that.”
Her eyes were still pinned on her sweatshirt, but Danny could see her cheeks flooding with color.
“It wasn’t that I didn’t want you. I did. I wanted you so f*cking bad. I still do.”
Leah’s eyes flashed up, her expression taken aback, and he felt his shoulders soften.
“Did you really think it was because I didn’t want you?”
She shrugged. “What else was I supposed to think?”
He exhaled heavily before dragging both hands down his face. “God, I’m an a*shole,” he mumbled. “You have to understand something, Leah. You had just told me you hadn’t dated anyone, hadn’t been with anyone in two years, and then you wanted me. It didn’t matter how bad I wanted you. I couldn’t do it. Not before you knew the truth. You were making a decision without having all the information. I didn’t want you to regret being with me, and there’s a good chance that after you hear what I’m about to tell you, you would have. And I refuse to be another reason for you to doubt yourself.”
Danny leaned back against the couch, running both hands up through his hair as he said, “I’m sorry I asked you to leave the way I did, but Jesus Christ, Leah, I only have so much self-control. I was trying so hard to do the right thing, but the way you were looking at me…and the way you were kissing me…and then hearing you say please.” He closed his eyes and exhaled, the memory causing his stomach to flip in a way that had nothing to do with nerves. “I didn’t know how much longer I could hold out with you right in front of me. I was hanging on by a f*cking thread as it was,” he said, rubbing his hand over his eyes.
He heard her shift slightly, and he turned his head to look at her.
“Just tell me,” she said softly.
Danny nodded as he sat up slowly, turning toward her. “You asked me once why I kept pulling away from you. Why I said it was a problem that I had feelings for you.” He took a steadying breath. “It’s because there’s a good chance I’ll be leaving soon.”
“Where are you going?”
F*ck. Just say it.
He swallowed around the knot in his throat as his eyes met hers. “Prison.”
She sat completely still for a few seconds before she closed her eyes and pressed her fingertips into her temples. She looked more confused than upset, although Danny knew that was about to change.
“What did you do?” she said weakly.
Danny knotted his fingers together as he said, “I didn’t plan on it, Leah, and I didn’t mean to do it.”
She dropped her hands as she opened her eyes. “What did you do?” she repeated more firmly.
He took a deep breath before he said, “Bryan isn’t dead.”
Her eyes flew to his; there was fury behind them, and he held up his hand quickly. “I didn’t lie, Leah. He’s alive because machines do everything for him. Pump his heart, make him breathe, give him food. His body is alive, but he’s gone. He’s been gone for a year. There’s no brain activity. There’s nothing left. It’s just that Gram can’t let him go, because she’s still hoping. But he’s gone.”
Leah stared at him, her eyes softening slightly before she shook her head. “What does that have to do with you going to prison?”
Danny leaned forward, rubbing the heels of his hands into his eyes. It physically hurt to say these words. He had known it would be hard, but he hadn’t expected physical pain. It felt like his chest was caving in.
“The night it happened, I was with him. We were hanging out at this bar in Manhattan, and Bryan kept ordering round after round of Alabama Slammers.” He smiled sadly before he said, “That was his shot. He’d always start the night off with one, but that night he just kept going. And I went right along with him.
“At some point during the night, these three guys came up to us. We had no clue who they were, but apparently they knew this girl that Bryan used to mess around with. So the one guy started with Bryan, talking about how he was gonna make Bryan sorry for f*cking his girl. The bartender was quick, though. The whole thing got broken up before it could come to blows, and the guys were asked to leave because they were the ones who instigated the whole thing.”
Danny rubbed his hand over his forehead before he said, “So they left, and we went about our business. We didn’t even think twice about it. Typical drunk a*sholes at a bar. We’d seen it a million times. Hell, we’d been them a few times. Nothing out of the ordinary, you know?”
She nodded gently, and he said, “By the time the bar was closing, we were both pretty f*cked up, and I went to the bathroom—” He stopped suddenly, his jaw flexing in rapid succession as he rode out the sharp pain in his chest.
Danny cleared his throat. “I went to the bathroom, and when I came out, it was just chaos. And I knew. I just f*cking knew. Some people were moving toward it, and some were trying to move away, but after a few steps, I could see them over the tops of people’s heads—the same guys from earlier. I don’t know how they got back in. They must’ve known a bouncer or something, because it didn’t make any sense why no one was trying to break it up this time.” Danny shook his head. “And if I hadn’t gone to the bathroom, or if we hadn’t been so f*cking drunk…” His jaw tightened again as he felt rage and regret start to trickle through his veins, and it was a moment before he could speak again.
He glanced up at Leah; she was staring at him with equal parts sympathy and dread, like she knew where this story was going. And even though he knew that she didn’t, he grabbed on to the small thread of compassion she’d thrown him and pulled himself through the rest of the story.
“He couldn’t hold his own,” he said hoarsely. “Bryan was wasted, and there were three of them. And I had to get through that goddamn crowd.” He closed his eyes and sighed. “I could see everything, but I couldn’t get there fast enough. Bryan got hit and went down, and one of the guys kicked him hard in the side of the head. Right in his temple.”
He saw Leah press her fist to her mouth as she shook her head slightly.
“And I lost it,” he said. “I charged the guy, and we went over a table and through the front window of the bar.” He looked down and flexed his hand, watching his scars expand and contract with the movement. “I don’t remember a lot after that. I remember hitting the ground outside. And the broken glass. And the blood all over my hands. I had no idea where it was coming from.”
He looked up at her; her fist was still pressed against her lips, but her eyes were welled with tears. “And the next thing I knew, I was being thrown over the hood of a cop car and cuffed. They were reading me my rights, telling me to remain silent, and I just kept shouting at them to go help Bryan.”
Danny pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes again as they began to sting, and he took a slow breath before continuing. “They took me to a station and put me in a cell, and no one would tell me what happened. No one would tell me.” He shook his head slowly. “A few hours later, they came in and said I had made bail. I walked out to the vestibule, and Gram was there.”
He dropped his head back against the couch and closed his eyes. “And she just crumpled in my arms and started wailing. And then I knew.”
Danny heard her move beside him, and before he could open his eyes, she was crawling onto his lap, wrapping her arms around him as she buried her face into his neck.
He snaked his arms around her waist and pulled her against his body. Even though he knew the worst was yet to come, she felt so good in his arms that he couldn’t stop himself. He needed this right now. He needed her.
He heard a tiny muffled sob, and Danny closed his eyes as he pressed his lips against her shoulder. He wished the story ended there. He wished he deserved the sympathy she was showing him right now. Danny tightened his arms and held her closer, wanting to soak up every last second of what he was surely about to lose.
“I don’t understand,” she mumbled into the crook of his neck. “So now this guy is pressing charges against you? How can he do that? Why isn’t he in trouble for what he did to Bryan?”
Leah, please don’t hate me.
“He’s not the one pressing charges,” he whispered against her shoulder.
She sat up and looked at him, her brow pulled together and her face streaked with tears. She looked so troubled and so saddened and so beautiful that he would have rather torn his arm off than say his next words.
He reached up and brushed at the tear stains on her face. “When we went through the window, an artery in his neck was severed. They took him to the hospital that night, but they couldn’t stop the bleeding in time.”
Her brow smoothed out, but she shook her head. “What…what do you mean?”
Danny looked up at her, wiping the other cheek with the pad of this thumb.
“Did he…?” She trailed off, and Danny nodded.
Something like panic overtook her expression as she said, “So you’re…?”
“I’m being charged with manslaughter.”
Leah stared down at him, and he watched the rapid rise and fall of her chest as her breathing grew ragged, that same panicked look on her face.
He looked at her dark hair falling over her shoulders, those beautiful, expressive eyes, her delicate nose, the lips that could steal his breath and make him feel alive at the same time. He wanted to memorize everything about her while he still could.
And then, without warning, she threw herself forward, wrapping her arms around him so tightly, he could feel her muscles trembling with the effort.
His heart stopped in his chest before it picked up double time.
Every time he had envisioned this moment, it always ended with some variation of her leaving, some version of her being horrified, afraid, disgusted.
But never once had he imagined this.
“Leah.” He sighed as he cradled her in his arms, and another sob broke from her lips, stifled by the front of his shirt.
“But you didn’t mean to do it,” she said through her tears. “It was an accident. Just tell them it was an accident.”
Danny closed his eyes as he rubbed his hand up and down her back. She was defending him. And in a way, it was almost more painful than it would have been if she told him to go to hell.
“It doesn’t work that way, sweet girl,” he whispered.
She nodded against his chest before she sniffled. “So there’s no way? There’s no way this will be okay?”
Danny slid his hand up under her hair, massaging her neck gently. “The best I can hope for is that the judge will take into consideration what happened with Bryan, that I have no priors…and maybe he’ll be understanding of the situation.”
“The judge? What about the jury?”
“It’s not going to trial,” he said. “I’m copping a plea. It’s better that way.”
“How?” she asked, wiping her nose with her sleeve as she sat up to look at him.
“It should lessen the sentence,” he said softly.
It was quiet for several seconds before she whispered, “How long?”
He ran his fingers through the back of her hair. “A couple of years, probably.”
She closed her eyes as her chin trembled violently, and he used his hand behind her neck to pull her back down to him.
“I’m so sorry, Leah,” he whispered as she buried her face in his shirt.
“Don’t apologize,” she said, her voice breaking before she sniffled and hiccupped against his chest, and he held her, running his hands over her back, her arms, her hair, anywhere he could reach.
After several minutes she spoke again, her voice softly breaking the silence. “How much more time do you have?”
“I don’t know. A lot of stuff got held up in the beginning because of everything with Bryan and his involvement in all this. It’s all paper pushing at this point. The court date for my sentencing hasn’t been set, but my lawyer says it will be sometime this year.”
She nodded against him.
“And I’ll understand, Leah. I swear to you, I’ll understand.”
“Understand what?” she whispered.
“If this changes how you feel about me.”
She sat up, looking down at him, and he stared back up at her. “I’ll understand,” he promised.
And he would. He wouldn’t hate her for walking away. He wouldn’t even hate her if she thought he was a monster, because the truth was, he’d never felt like more of a monster than he did in this moment, watching her hurt for him.
She stared at him until her eyes welled with tears again.
“This is a lot to take in,” she said as they spilled over her lower lashes.
“I know,” he whispered, wiping them away with his thumbs.
“I just…I need to think. There’s so much…” She trailed off and shook her head, and he nodded.
“I know. It’s okay.”
She looked down at him, and he smiled at her, hoping she couldn’t see the sadness behind it.
Leah brought her hand to his cheek, and he leaned into her touch.
“I just…I want you to know that no matter what happens, I know you, Danny,” she said. “I know who you really are.”
He stared up at her, and the vice-like pain in his chest began to soften for the first time since he had entered her apartment. There was nothing she could have said in that moment more perfect than the words she’d just spoken.
Because no matter what she decided after this, even if she chose to walk away and never look back, in a way, she had just absolved him.
She had looked straight through all the horror and the ugliness, and she still saw him.
And when she laid her head back down on his chest, he rested his cheek against her hair and closed his eyes, wondering if there would ever be a man on this planet who was worthy of her.