“You are what?” Images flashed through my mind of spearing Magnus with a bolt of lightning.
“I told you. Didn’t I?” Now he seemed hesitant. “Miss Doris Winslow, I’m engaged to her. Wait. Didn’t I tell you?”
“No.” The floor spun beneath me. I wanted to fall onto my bed and wake to find this hadn’t happened.
“Oh God. No wonder you were enthusiastic. I’m sorry.” He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. “It slipped my mind.”
“You thought you’d”—I choked on the word—“with me and then leave me?”
“No! Henrietta, I’m only marrying her because my family’s destitute. I don’t know how to earn money, so I have to have an heiress. But she’s very dull, you know. Not like you.” He came to me, that roguish smile back on his face. “You’re the most exciting girl I ever met.”
“But you wouldn’t marry me.” My voice sounded distant. Had I even wanted to marry him? His presence was so intoxicating, and I sometimes couldn’t keep myself from thinking about him. But was that love?
I didn’t think he could treat me this way if he loved me.
“I can’t have two wives, can I? Look, we keep it a secret. Once we’re commended, you have your house, and I’ll have mine. It’ll be easy to meet for—”
“My reputation would be destroyed.”
“But you’re going to be a sorcerer! You’re not like other girls. Even if they found out, no one would—”
“You don’t understand a damn thing about the world, do you?” Mr. and Mrs. Magnus would be accepted by society. I would be an outcast because loose women must always know their place.
“I want you more than any other girl I’ve ever met,” Magnus said, reaching for my waist. Want. Not love. “If I could, I’d marry you tomorrow. As is, let’s make the best of this bad situation.”
I slapped the smile off his face, hard as I could. Grabbing Porridge from my sheath, I held it to his chest. He put his hands in the air.
“Don’t do anything foolish,” he muttered.
“Get out, or I’ll scream.”
Magnus opened the door and left. I sat on my bed for ten minutes, stupefied, then rang for Lilly. She didn’t ask why I’d waited so long to call for her, and I didn’t tell.
I huddled in the darkness until I heard the boys come home, the shouts and jokes echoing through the halls. I thought about the day I’d dueled with Magnus in the library, when he’d praised my eyes. I’d imagined there was something special in that attention, but I was wrong. He wanted me, nothing more. I was the fool.
A bloody fool, I thought. Magnus had tossed one of my roses onto the bed. I picked it up and tore all the petals out in a fistful, squeezing them tightly.
I thought about Rook, the two of us sitting out on the moor, back in Yorkshire. Everything had been clear, everyone in their right place. Who had I become? What was I becoming?
I cried while I listened to the boys go up the stairs to bed. The harder I cried, the more I hated it. I set fire to the petals to calm myself, watching them crisp and blacken in my hand. It worked. The flush of heat on my skin evaporated the tears. The fire scorched my sadness. Only an ember of anger remained.
“Are you well, Henrietta?” Agrippa asked at breakfast. I stared bleary-eyed into my tea.
“Just tired, sir.” Across the table, Magnus ate in silence. When Dee tried to make a joke, Magnus shot him a look so black he shut up at once. The whole room was quiet except for Lambe tapping his water glass with a fork. Blackwood read a letter over and over, lost in thought. We were quite a merry gathering.
“We’ll practice creating the column of fire this morning. When you’ve finished your breakfast—”
“I’m finished now.” I pushed the tea and untouched toast away.
“You haven’t eaten a thing.”
“I’m not hungry, sir.”
“I daresay too much champagne,” Blackwood said, putting his letter away at last. He looked from me to Magnus. I could see that he suspected something. Damn him. “Perhaps Miss Howel might benefit from private instruction,” he said.
The blood rushed to my cheeks. “I’m fine working as usual.” I pushed my chair back and left the room without another word.
—
I IMAGINED A CANDLE FLAME THAT grew into a pillar of light. My hands felt warm, but the column of fire did not appear.
“Henrietta, you’re not trying,” Agrippa said.
“My head hurts.” That wasn’t a lie.
“Well, it can’t. Tomorrow you’ll either be commended or dismissed. No second chances. Everything must be perfect,” he said. Blackwood stood by a wall, while Magnus looked everywhere but at me.
“I’ve done well so far, haven’t I?” Massaging my temples did nothing.
“The queen is young and unsure in her reign. Her nonmagical advisors don’t like the idea of a woman sorcerer. If you fail in any way, they’ll persuade the queen not to commend you.”
Sparks shone upon my dress but died. Agrippa puffed out his cheeks in exasperation.
“Why on earth are you so tired this morning? You went to the theater last night; it wasn’t a walk to Northumberland.” He circled around me.
“I don’t feel well.” Memories of kissing Magnus returned, tinged with shame.
“How you feel doesn’t matter,” Agrippa said.
“What do you mean?” I dropped my hands from my head.
“These men want to see if you are a sorcerer. They’ve no time for anything else.”
The chamber filled with a great wind that knocked Agrippa down. He struggled back to his feet, his hand raised as a signal to stop.
“As long as I do exactly what everyone wants,” I said, “I’ll be worth something?”
“That’s not what I meant.” He attempted to get up again, but this time I forced him back. My breath quickened.
“I’m tired of catering to everyone’s demands, and I’m tired of pleasing and pleasing!” My voice rose into a scream, and the wind rose with me. Agrippa cried out. Blackwood ran to help him up and shouted for me to stop.
Magnus gripped me by the arms. “You’re going to hurt the Master.” His gray eyes burned into mine. He was right. I didn’t want to hurt Agrippa. The wind died down, and Magnus sighed in relief, squeezing my arm. “Thank you.”
I set fire to the exact spot where Magnus held me. Screaming, he recoiled and stared in horror at his blistered hands. My thoughts swung broken and wild. I wanted to burn. I dropped Porridge and turned from them, head in my hands. Rage pulsed through me, and as it did, the flames leaped higher.
“Stop it,” Blackwood cried. “You’re losing control.”
The blue flames rippled on my skin and clothes, whirling in a column as they rose to the ceiling. “I can’t stop,” I shouted as the fire grew. I couldn’t silence the pounding in my head, the fury. I pressed my palms to my forehead and shrieked.
Great scarlet waves of flame turned the obsidian walls into reflections of hellish red. I couldn’t calm down. Magnus had made me vulnerable. Of course he could never marry me—couldn’t I see that? I wasn’t worthy of that great honor. Blackwood and Magnus crouched beside Agrippa and warded themselves. But the wards couldn’t hold forever.
For an instant, the chamber was full of fire. They screamed for mercy. They. Agrippa and Blackwood were innocent. Would I just murder them? Would I just murder anyone, even Magnus, even by accident?
No. I forced my thoughts to calm. The fire died. Agrippa huddled in a heap while Magnus and Blackwood pointed their staves at me with real fear in their eyes.
“Stay back, Howel,” Magnus said. He winced, his grip on his stave loosening. Good Lord, I’d ruined his hands. What if he couldn’t be commended now?
What had I done?
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, crawling to my feet. “Master Agrippa, I’m so sorry.”
His look undid me. He found the sight of me repulsive. I turned and ran, and didn’t stop until I was out of the house.
—
I KNOCKED SEVEN TIMES AT HARGROVE’S door before I forced my way inside.