The Holders

20



It was just the slightest graze of his finger against the back of my hand, but the jolt it gave me – the pounding shockwave it ignited in my body – felt as though I’d grabbed hold of a livewire and couldn’t let go.

Alex continued to stride quickly out of the room, having not even noticed the seemingly insignificant touch. A touch that had my insides screaming and reeling as they were sucked into tremulous rapids of emotion, that was cutting through me, breaking and unweaving the deepest pillars of my core, then stitching me back up again. And the thread – the bonding agent that was now holding me together – was Alex.

All of a sudden, it was as though Alex was part of me. A part I could barely remember being without. As though he’d always been there in the background of my life, and I simply hadn’t realized it. In an instant he’d become my foundation; the canvas that my life was painted on, the idea of which was as subtle as it was all-encompassing, and as comforting as it was terrifying.

My God, what was happening to me?

I began to shake with cold, while my skin felt hot and feverish. I wanted it to stop but the ripples continued to surge on, shaking and rearranging me as they went, like clearing the screen on an Etch-A-Sketch only to draw the same picture again, but in a different color.

“Becca?” I heard Min call, realizing that she was all but holding me upright. “Becca, can you hear me? Just breathe, it will pass.” She began to lead me out into the hall and toward her office, walking as quickly as my trembling legs would allow, all the while whispering words of comfort. “Keep breathing, we’re almost there,” she continued, as we arrived at her office door. “We don’t want you passing out.”

My mind continued to swim as Min guided my wobbling form through the door and over to the couch, setting me down to rest. She hurried over to her cabinet, grabbing a glass bottle and pouring its contents into a cup along with water from a teapot on the stove.

“Drink this,” she said, handing me the glass, and taking a seat on the couch next to me. “The kettle’s been off for a while so it is cold, but it will help.”

I drank it down without even bothering to ask what it was, still waiting for my insides to be put right again. I looked up at Min, praying she would have a way to fix me, or at least an explanation, but I found her hand over her mouth, and her eyes dancing as though she were covering a grin.

A grin? What the hell could possibly be funny about this?

“Are you feeling better?” she asked, and now I was certain she was amused.

“A little,” I said, my voice squeaky. “What was that? Why do I feel like this?”

“Feel like what? Tell me.”

I got the feeling that she didn’t need a description, but I tried to play along. “I don’t know,” I stammered, “different. Like…” I died off, not knowing what to say. The truth was it was like Alex was suddenly and inexplicably the center of my whole world, and all I could think about was going to see him and never being away from him, and a ton of other overly-emotional things that were way too cheesy and melodramatic for someone like me to ever admit to, so I stuck with, “…different.”

She smiled knowingly, her obvious amusement really starting to wear on my nerves. “It’s Alex, yes?”

I didn’t answer, because I didn’t need to. It was written all over me, I was sure. All I could do was stare, imploring her to be straight with me. Then, out of nowhere, she started to chuckle. “Poor Alex,” she laughed to herself, shaking her head. “Wait until he finds out that all his worrying has been for nothing!”

I was at my wit’s end. “Min!” I yelled through clenched teeth. “I need answers! What is wrong with me?” The tears were brimming in my eyes before I could stop them, and I was horrified at the realization that I was actually about to cry.

Thankfully, Min took pity on me, placing my empty cup on the floor, and gathering my hands in hers. “He’s your Anam,” she said gently, giving my hands a pat. “That is what happened to you. That is why you feel the way you do. It is normal to feel strange and be emotional for a while, but that part will pass once your mind becomes used to the bond you’ve created.”

I blinked, not understanding. “That can’t be right,’ I said. “Chloe told me about all that Anam stuff, and she said it had to be a Holder and a non-Holder.”

“If Chloe is where you have been getting your information on the subject then there is more we will need to discuss than I thought,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Chloe believes that the Anam bond is all true love, and fairy tales, and butterflies, but it is much more substantial than that.” She paused, thoughtfully choosing her words before continuing. “Finding your Anam is like finding an extension of yourself in another person. Someone who will likely be very much like you in many respects, but also very different in others. Someone who complements you, balances you. They provide strength for your weaknesses, humility to your brashness, and comfort to your fears.”

She stood and went over to one of the bookcases on the wall, pulled out a thick blue book and brought it back to the couch. The cover was worn, but I could see an image embossed onto the leather that looked familiar.

“Is that the Iris?”

She nodded, opening to a brightly colored page, then handing the book over to me. The page was covered in an ornate drawing of two people, surrounded by a frame of intricate Celtic knots and other decorative images. The style reminded me of Egyptian hieroglyphs, the way the shapes were simple and the people were nondescript in gender, yet the level of detail and elaborate decoration reminded me of the icons of saints in Orthodox churches. The couple in the picture were standing with their bodies facing forward, while their heads were turned to the side, looking at each other and smiling. In the center of each of their chests was a gold circle with faded edges as if to represent light, but the figure on the left had a much smaller light than his right side counterpart. In the center there was a golden ray connecting the two lights, expanding in size as it went from left to right, almost as if the smaller light were feeding the larger.

“When a Holder,” Min said, pointing to the figure on the right with the larger light, “finds the non-Holder they are destined for,” she continued, now pointing to the other figure, “their spirits recognize one another, and the Holder is bound to that person forever.” She touched the two lights and traced the frame encircling the couple. “The legend tells us that this bond was created when the goddess created new non-Holders from all the removed portions of the Holder’s souls, but it has also been said that this was not merely an accident. Many Holders believe, myself included, that it was done intentionally, so that each Holder would not have to bear the burden of his or her ability – and they are burdens at times – without someone there to give them strength.” She slid her finger across the golden light connecting the two spirits. “Give them love and support to lighten their load. Give them life.”

“But, if all that is true, then I shouldn’t have bonded with Alex. He’s a Holder; I should have bonded with a non-Holder.”

“There you are with that word again, what did I tell you about that?” she said, pursing her lips. “I won’t try to explain it, because the truth is I cannot. All I know is that you and Alex are Anams. I am as certain of that as I am that I live and breathe. Your tongue can protest all it wants, but your saol cannot lie.”

“So Chloe was right then, with all that love at first touch stuff?”

“Bah!” She waved her hand as if to shoo away my words. “Love is a cheap word. Anyone can say it, and few truly know what it means. But the Anam bond runs far deeper than that. It is the most profound connection one person can have with another, and it is not always, as they say, wine and roses. In fact,” she continued, “it will be a good lesson for you.”

“Lesson?”

“A lesson in trust and to let go of your need for control.”

“I don’t…” but my denial died on my tongue. “I’ve always been the strong one,” I said, loathing the traitorous tears that again filled my eyes, but unable to do anything about them.

“Of course you were. You had to be. But occasionally letting go of control and trusting someone else to act when you cannot, does not mean you are weak – it means you are smart. Being bonded to another in this way is no easy thing. Trusting so completely, and having your happiness so dependent on another person, can be downright terrifying at times, but believe me when I say the rewards are worth the cost.”

“That’s all well and good, but I still don’t understand,” I said, pressing my temples to my forehead. “Chloe told me that a Holder can only be truly happy with their Anam, and even this,” I saud, gesturing to the book in my lap, “shows a Holder bound to a non-Holder. Even if for some reason I’m bound to Alex, he can’t ever be happy with me.”

“The next time I hear you say the words can’t, or shouldn’t, or wouldn’t, I’ll smack you,” she threatened, shaking her finger at me in full-on Russian grandma mode. “There are no rules. For the rest of us maybe, but not for you. How many times do we have to prove that for you to believe it?”

“Then what are you saying, that…?” I paused, remembering something she’d said earlier. “Wait, you said that Alex and I are Anams. What you meant to say was that he was my Anam, right?”

“I know what I said.”

“But…” I stumbled over my own thoughts. “You didn’t mean…” I looked at Min, but she only sat quietly, offering nothing, like a teacher waiting for her student to work the answer out for themselves. “We’re each other’s Anam? No, that can’t be – yeah.” I answered her glare. “I said it – can’t be. He would have had to figure that out the first day we met! There is no way he has gone all this time, feeling like… like this,” I said, pointing at to myself, “and not said anything.”

“What was he to say?”

“I don’t know, but something!”

“At the time he realized, you would not have understood, and since then you have been under a constant stream of information. He didn’t want to add to your burden or overwhelm you.”

“So what, he was waiting for me to just figure it out?”

“No, he fully intended to tell you, but that was before the test. Before we found out that you are also a Holder. Since then he has believed as you do: that a Holder cannot be bound to another Holder. That his bonding to you was a mistake, and that you are in fact destined for someone else.”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m sorry, I don’t buy it.” And I didn’t. It was impossible that Alex wouldn’t have given me some sign, some hint after all this time.

“You see what I say is true,” she said, in the annoying way she had of wording a question as a statement.

“No, sorry, but I don’t.”

“Then you will see it soon enough, and you will realize how fortunate you are. The bond that has been forged between the two of you is like nothing our kind has ever seen. A Holder to a Holder, bonded on both sides; it has never happened before. But be mindful. In this bond you have a dual-edged sword which can cut deeper than its single-bladed cousin, but when wielded properly can be a fierce weapon.”

“What should I do?”

“That is not for me to say. Where you go from here is entirely up to you. However,” she said, coming over and putting an arm around me, guiding me to the door, “if I had to make a suggestion, I would say you should go and get a good night’s rest.”

“But I need to see him; I need to talk to him. You can’t expect me to wait–” but I was silenced by Min’s finger over my mouth.

“Much as I do not want Alex to suffer any longer than necessary,” she said, continuing to guide me toward the door, “you are not in a state of mind at the moment for rational discussion.”

“What are you talking about? I’m fine.”

“You will be more ‘fine’ in the morning. Now go.” She opened the door shooing me out. “Get to bed.”

“It’s not even seven o’clock!”

“Never mind that, you will sleep, trust me. No more arguments; get to bed.”

“But I’m not tired!”

She glared at me. “Don’t make me hypnotize you,” she said, pointing again.

I eyed her warily. “You can’t… wait, can you do that?”

“Maybe I can, maybe I can’t. Do you want to find out?”

“Fine,” I huffed, stomping off down the hall as Min closed the door behind me with what I swear was a chuckle.

“What does she know?” I muttered to myself on the way up the stairs. “There is nothing wrong with me, I’m fine!”

I got to my floor, and stood at the top of the stairs not wanting to go to bed – out of spite if nothing else – but not sure what else to do. My hand came to rest against my leg and I felt the small distinct lump of my woven cross in my pocket.

Alex.

I needed to see Alex.

I turned on my heel and ran up to his floor taking the stairs two at a time. Screw Min, what did she know? I’d never felt better in my life; I could do this. I jogged down the hall to Alex’s door, and took a deep breath. This would be easy. I would knock, he would answer, and I would say…

I would say…

What would I say?

I stood there, locked in place, hand poised to knock, with no idea what to do next. A shuffling noise from the other side of the door sent a stab of panic to my throat, and I took off running down the hall, down the stairs and into my room before taking another breath.

I staggered into the bedroom and slumped over onto the bed, feeling the pricking of tears once again sting my eyes.

Dear God, this was ridiculous! When did I become such a blubbering ninny?

Maybe Min was right, I wasn’t myself. If nothing else, the fact that I’d now been on the verge of crying – something I’d not done in, well, I couldn’t remember how long – three times in one night, should have been enough to tell me all was not right in Becca-land and maybe I should hold off talking to anyone about anything emotion-related, much less Alex.

I changed into my nightclothes, brushed my teeth, braided my hair, and crawled into bed, hoping Min was right and sleep would come fast despite the hour. Though, much as I wanted to relax, I couldn’t – not with Alex less than twenty feet above my head. Normally it was bad enough lying in bed knowing he was so close and yet so far, but his pacing the floor each night had always done its magic, singing me off to sleep. However, since my awakening as a Holder, he’d stopped his nightly march, leaving me in silence. And now with all these new feelings swelling inside me, making me want nothing more than to have him near, that silence was deafening. But the worst of all my newfound Alex-related sensations was the fact that now I could feel him. I could feel his actual physical being in the room. It was like a warm magnet, pulling deep within my chest.

I tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable, knowing that if Alex didn’t find some way to fall asleep that there was no way I would, and hating that there was nothing I could do. Or nothing that I was mentally and emotionally prepared enough to trust myself to do, anyway.

Then again, maybe there was…

Remembering what Mr Anderson had said during our training session this afternoon I reached over and unclipped my Sciath, sliding it off my arm and setting on the bedside table. I felt the fuzzy, unfocused awareness come over me, which was a far cry from the crisp, defined sense I had when my Sciath was unblocked, but for what I wanted to try this would be fine. I felt the brush of Alex’s ability and reached out with my own, intending to join us. It was harder this time, my mental reach like trying to direct a cloud of fog as opposed to the clear band of force I’d already become used to. Finally, I was able to make the connection, shaky though it may have been, and felt his energy flow into me, entwining with mine. I relaxed immediately, relishing the feeling of the connection like I would a warm blanket tucked up under my chin. In turn, I felt the link between us begin to unwind him, though he likely had no idea what it was, seeing it only – as Mr Anderson had put it – as a comforting change in mood.

As I felt the tension slowly begin to drain out of him I snuggled down into my pillow, happy that, while I didn’t feel ready to talk to him just yet, I was still able to offer him some sort of comfort. A drowsy curtain began to slip over the both of us, finally allowing the exhausted man above me to glide off to sleep, with me chasing at his heels.