“You were not holding back.” The memory of the pain in his belly warred with the more recent experience, but not for long. The warmth of their camaraderie, of her unrestrained laugh, of that impossible heat, felt too good. How the fuck did Jackson manage?
“I was mostly holding back.” She finally looked up at him, expression mischievous instead of stupefied.
“I was…mostly pissed off.”
“I see that.” She scuffed at the blackened ground with one foot again and grinned at him. “You did it!”
“I did.” He couldn’t help the sly smile that spread over his face as he gloated. “And Thom is gonna be so pissed I did it first.”
She cocked her head and narrowed her eyes. “We are talking about knocking me on my ass, right? And not….”
“No, no,” Alex said. “Not talking about that. At all. Ever.”
Lena laughed again. “Agreed.”
Should he be insulted?
Chapter 18
Lena had laughed and agreed that they should never mention that kiss again. Why was it all she could think about? And why were all of the boys and men in the halls cutting her such a wide berth this morning? Usually they stared and whispered, the Wards sometimes pausing to watch as she moved past. This morning, they were avoiding her. Perhaps it had all been a dream or a joke. Not a single one of them was drawn to her, or her Dust.
Not freaking likely.
Reyes—Alex—had kissed her. The one man who had zero interest in anything other than her capacity to move their cause forward. The one man who had spent his life obsessed with and moving toward a single goal. His discipline was legendary. And somehow whatever Lena was had overcome his discipline and singular focus, and he’d kissed her.
No, he hadn’t just kissed her. He’d melted her. The heat of it hadn’t been an electric response, it had turned those little robots into molten metal burning through her flesh and veins and consuming everything she knew about feeling good. She’d been rooted to the spot. She’d been lost.
And then he’d jumped away, and his shock and dismay had been written on his face. So she’d pretended it didn’t matter. She’d laughed. And when he’d said they should never mention it again, she’d agreed. Of course she had. How could she articulate how devastating that kiss had been, least of all to Alex?
And it wasn’t just because it had been so far beyond delicious it made her chest ache, or that the devastation washed into guilt as she thought of Jackson—she hadn’t been the aggressor, but she hadn’t stopped Alex, either. Both the deliciousness and the guilt were part of it. But the devastation went deeper.
It meant she really was everything they said.
It meant she would never, ever know if anyone wanted her for her. How could she know if the feelings any Spark felt for her were true, or if they were merely a reflection of her power, her so-called gift? If Alex had been overcome, what chance did anyone else have?
Head down, she nearly walked into a young woman hurrying in the other direction. Lena lifted her head and opened her mouth to apologize. The young woman blanched, stuttered an apology, and stumbled in her haste to get away. Lena stared after her.
“I think you scared her.”
She whipped her head around.
Jackson stood just ahead, body slightly turned as if he’d stopped when he’d seen her coming and hadn’t decided yet which way he wanted to go.
“Which isn’t surprising because your face is pretty terrifying this morning.” He shifted his weight away from her.
“My face?”
He nodded. “Are you okay?”
She shrugged. No. But that wasn’t going to stop her from doing what she’d come to do, which was learn how to make the Council pay. Instead of telling him that, she asked, “How were your overnight maneuvers?”
He took a deep breath, turning his attention to the people skirting them both in the hall. It seemed he had decided not to flee her and her terrifying face, and he eased closer.
“Good,” he answered. “I had time to think.”
Her stomach twisted. He was struggling to keep his agent mask of neutrality in place. Beneath the mask she could see flashes of guilt, even anger.
“Okay?”
He raised his head. “Look, you’re upset about something. This can wait—”
“For me to start to feel better so you can upset me again? That hardly seems fair to anyone but you. If you have something to say, Agent Lee, then be a damn agent and say it.”
“I asked to be reassigned. You don’t need a companion anymore. You know your way around this place just fine. You’re learning, adapting, doing everything you’re supposed to be doing, and I’m….”
“And you’re what?”
“I’m not. I don’t want to deal with this anymore, Lena.”
“Deal? With this…?”
“The temptation.” Jackson swallowed.
She gave him the time to find the words he struggled with, though she wished he’d just get on with it.
“It isn’t fair to ask me to resist doing what I want to do.”