Love Is Darkness

chapter 8

London, England

That evening, Val was fed up with her dark thoughts and being stuck indoors so she headed outside. Lucas could find her if it was so important. She didn't go towards the Heath at this time of night, since it was supposed to be a gay meeting point and the last thing she needed was to stumble upon two men shagging in the bushes.

The small streets leading to Hampstead Village seemed like the safest choice. Inside the purple bricked mansions were people with families having dinner. Smoke came out of the chimneys tinging the cold air with the smell of fire. Normal life.

Sure she was looking in on normal life from the outside, but so what. So what! Don't think about how quickly everything is going down the crapper and what you may not have. Val didn't know if she wanted kids. In theory they were fine, sweet and little but the reality contained more snot and naughtiness then she felt she could handle.

She tried to imagine having children and a husband. An image of Jack laughing and happy came to her. No! No more would she think of Jack when she thought of the future. Jack didn't want happiness. She thought about Ian instead. He had asked her to stay over for Christmas and be with his family. How sweet was that?

Oh God, Ian. She had to cut him out of her life. Being around her wasn't safe and she'd have to change everything.

Get rid of everyone.

Be alone again.

In danger again.

Her mind rebelled, looking for alternatives.

Could she confine Lucas in any way? Find some way to make him let her live a normal life? No, because she had nothing to bargain with. She was the pawn. Val kicked a pebble down the street dispiritedly.

Part of her wondered, like a whisper in her mind, if maybe she was that interesting. That whisper of a voice was like a devil in her, telling her that she could have Lucas in the palm of her hand if she chose.

And that he knew things he wasn't telling her. Nice deduction Captain Obvious.

Perhaps he was not nearly as self-contained as he pretended to be. It was the same voice that told her she wouldn't be having a normal life no matter how hard she tried or how far she ran. It was probably the same little voice that addicts heard right before inhaling a monstrous line of coke.

She needed to ignore that voice.

Steps echoed hers, Lucas falling into step beside her. She kept walking, refusing to acknowledge him.

“Such turmoil.” His words were silky, quiet and deep as shadows.

“You can't be the biggest of the big bad without being seriously evil.” She waited, but he said nothing. “But now you are trying to convince me that you are...helping. Good.”

“No. Not good. But neither am I inherently evil. There is a field of gray between light and dark. I tell you most vampires are like sun down with hints of light in a sky of black. They were people once, just a very long time ago. There is a moral code to vampires, albeit nothing you may appreciate. We do not make murderers into vampires, for example. There are rules.”

Val stopped walking and turned into him, forcing herself close. He backed up a step, giving ground, but she followed. He seemed to stand a little straighter, and then her hand was resting on his chest. “Will you take them from me? Do I need to give this all up? If I do what you want, will you leave everyone alone?” The questions burst from her.

The agony of not knowing was too much, and while part of her was afraid her rash words could imperil everyone more, her instincts and fear won, forcing the words out.

She felt his breath whisper over her hair. “Who do you ask sanctuary for? What promise would you have from me? Am I to protect people from myself or others? Supernatural and natural harm? Perhaps even protection from their own actions?” He looked down at her, and she noticed his hands resting on her shoulders.

Val didn’t pull away, wasn’t sure she even could. She felt like a planet orbiting around the sun, unable to change course.

Was he threatening her? He could hurt them and make it look like an accident. Was that what he was saying? This moment was important, she knew that, but he watched her like she was a clairvoyant about to predict the winning lottery numbers and she wondered what she was missing.

“You should leave school because your responsibilities to me will take all of your time and because you don't want to draw unnecessary attention to the people you care about. I have told you I will protect Jack and your father. You must believe that. But also, you must recognize that I am not solely an evil man, or else you will betray me and be manipulated by the Others if we find them. The Others are neither good nor evil either. Werewolves, witches, the Fey— all are creatures who interact with mortals and do so for their own benefit. Humans become pawns and shields. Loss of life is expected and irrelevant to most supernatural beings.”

“So your goal here is to terrify me and get my help in bringing more evil to humanity, is that it?” Val spun away from him, walking quickly, the street sloping downwards towards Hampstead Village.

“I do not interact with humans often. The last two hundred years especially, I have been away from life.”

What the hell did that mean?

Lucas stopped speaking and she thought that this time he was trying to find the right words rather than being evasive. “I have spent hundreds of years unchallenged and in isolation, both emotionally and physically. But now I am drawn back to this world and it is astonishing to want things again. It is better for humans if the Others returned. All of the Other races need humans and like them in a way that most vampires have forgotten.”

She could feel his sincerity swimming over her. He did want balance for the world but he also wanted things from her specifically. This moment convinced her of that. The insidious voice was back, telling her to pay attention, that he was being honest. Or as close to honest as he was gonna get.

“What level of protection should I be asking for? What would it take to get you to promise not to harm anyone that I come into contact with?”

Lucas looked at her for a long moment and she thought he would tell her. Her eyes implored him and she realized she was touching him again: her hand on his arm. She jerked back her hand, his gaze tracking the movement as she pulled them away from him and fisted them at her sides.

“Nothing. There is nothing you can offer or give that I would accept.” He changed the subject, “What do you require for your task?”

“You don't think it's a little ridiculous that you ask me to trust you and do your bidding, yet you won't give me the one thing I want? Promising to leave these people alone doesn't cost you anything.”

“I take promises very seriously. All of my kind do. Breaking of oaths lead to death and war. I won't make a promise that vague. Not even for you.”

She tried to stay focused, waiting until later to analyze his words. “I need money so that I can move and I guess.... I guess I have to drop out of school. Also, I'll need a way to stay in the country.” Am I really doing this?

The grief of giving up her life hadn't totally hit her yet. It would when she was packing. Or when Monday morning came and she wasn't in class. Then the aloneness of it all would crush her.

He frowned. “This upsets you.”

“Um, yeah! This is my life that's changing. It's getting swapped out for a crappy one with a bloody death at the end of it. Tell me I'm wrong.”

“I will protect you. It is my understanding you have been studying for many years now. At what point would you have stopped?”

“Are you trying to be a jerk?” She said angrily.

“You do not need to do this. I will leave your life and never return. Ignore Nate, Jack and you.”

“Yes, how magnanimous. Then they'll die, right? That's not a real choice.”

He rubbed a hand over his face and looked around at the houses while he decided what to say. His tone was mildly curious, as though he found this only slightly more interesting than a conversation about the weather. If he'd been human, he would have been gesturing, his voice would have been raised. Maybe he would have touched her or moved. But he was a vampire, so he stood still and didn’t fidget. His hands rested in the pockets of his wool slacks. His matching suit jacket was open, his gaze fixed on the distance.

“I was made a vampire against my will a very long time ago. This luxury of choice is a new phenomenon and I fail to see how you can be so upset by it. You are saving your family. What wouldn't people give to have that opportunity?” Lucas seemed genuinely bewildered by her attitude.

“Did you get to save your family?”

His eyes bore into hers, “No. All I did was for them. And it wasn't enough. I would have bargained my soul to the very devil for their survival.”

Valerie flushed. He made her feel like a selfish child.

“Do you honestly believe that doing your grunt work is the best thing for my family?”

Would he tell her the truth? She stepped forward again, close to him as though the closer she was the easier it would be to sense his honesty.

He looked down at her, a very severe and remote expression on his face, lips compressed hard before lifting his hand slowly and running a warm finger down her cheek. Valerie fought to keep her eyes open: his touch making her feel weak with a languid desire. Then sensation was unlike anything she’d felt before, like he drew the weight of her sadness, anger and sudden desire up through her body— a waterfall of feelings flowing uphill and into his waiting hand.

“Don't do that,” she murmured.

Lucas pulled his hand away, rubbing his fingers together and frowning at them slightly. His lips thinned into a hard line and he took a step backwards, putting a slight distance between them.

“What else do you need?” he said tonelessly.

Val wanted to slap her cheeks, wake up and talk some sense into herself at the same time.

The fog cleared and Val remembered the conversation they had been having. “I also need to get access to the British Library. I want to research all of this and there are so many sources that I can't get to because I don't have clearance. It's like the Pentagon in that place.”

“The library.” He reached for her. His hand went to the hollow between her shoulder and neck, lightly holding her still. The contact was minimal, the distance odd, like she had the plague. Then he was disappearing and taking her with him.

Disoriented and cold, a whirl of wind blinded her and bit into her flesh. Then it was over, the wind died down and she felt the sharp contrast of being outside then coming indoors.

They were standing in a huge basement filled with books. Monstrous stacks of books that extended in all directions. There was even a conveyor belt so that books could be taken from the shelves and whisked to the public quickly, a practical addition since the distance across the cavernous basement was too far to reasonably have someone make frequent trips.

She took a deep breath, inhaling the musty smell of books. Truth be told, she thought the smell was kind of sexy. She'd had fantasies of having sex in a library. That was probably what happened when one spent those crucial hormone-filled years surrounded by books instead of boys.

This, however, was not the fantasy. She liked close stacks and dim lighting, carpet and quiet, being surrounded by books that no one ever checked out. Knowledge waiting for anyone who cared. But this library wasn't about the experience. This library was cold and clinical. Like the difference between going to a gynecologist or having sex in Hawaii— she might get penetrated but it wasn't gonna be the sexy fantasy.

Then she looked over to Lucas... it wouldn't matter where he had sex, he was the fantasy.She quelled the thought and looked around again, taking several seconds to get the lay of the land before looking back at him with a smile on her face.

He was giving her his inscrutable look and she almost laughed. The scariest man she'd ever met was looking at her as though she was the one to worry about. Actually, that wasn't true, the man who killed her mother was the scariest being she'd ever met. Trapped in a room with the two of them, she'd cower behind Lucas every time. And didn’t that say something, she thought darkly.

“Why am I not more scared of you? I start off frightened and then it goes away.”

“I have told you I will not harm you.” He said, as though surprised she still worried for her safety.

“Yes. And to some extent I must believe you. But why? I've been raised to kill vampires, to fear them, hate them. But with you it's like...”

She searched for words, an example came to her mind but it was so inappropriate, she kept trying to think of something else to say. Lucas shifted, looking around and she knew her silence was becoming awkward. Nothing else came to her so she plunged ahead, “You know what it's like? It's like being on a diet. I remember that I am on a diet until a cookie appears or some chocolate, then I eat it and the moment it's gone I suddenly remember, 'oh yeah, I was on a diet!' but during those few moments when I'm shoving cake in my face, I honestly can't remember. You are like that-”

“Shall I be flattered then?” His voice was hard and he turned his back, walking away from her.

Val blushed, embarrassed by her example, but it was out now and she wanted an answer, “I don't know about that, but why? Why don't I stay afraid like a sane person would? You can't tell me you don't inspire terror into the hearts of one and all. Is it something you've done to me?”

“I have given you my word. That must suffice. I can only assume that a fundamental part of you knows I am sincere.”

Was that it? Val felt like there was something missing or left out but couldn't think what it might be.

“What books are you looking for?”

She understood that he wanted to change the subject. Val decided to go with it, she'd go home and think about it a little, try to decide if she really did believe him or not.

He said he wasn't manipulating her but there wasn't much she could do about it either way, was there? If he wanted to kill her, she was dead. If he wanted to compel her, then she would be. It kind of sucked to be human.

Val walked towards a computer and turned it on. They waited in awkward silence for it to boot up. Well, she thought it was awkward. He was older than dirt, he probably didn't even notice the two minutes it took for something to happen. Why was it that everyone complained about government agencies and their spendthrift ways and yet their technology always sucked?

“Maybe you want to come back later? Give me a couple of hours?” She thought about how much easier it would be to work if he wasn't there, looking over her shoulder and watching her like she was a cake on legs or an unusual insect.

“No.”

She was irritated. “Really? You are supposed to be king of the vampires and you're going to hang around a library with me in the middle of the night? You have nothing else to do?”

“An effective leader delegates. Right now your communicating with the Others is the most important thing in the world.” Was he joking?

He wandered away from her and disappeared into the stacks.

Sitting down at the computer, she made a concerted effort to lose herself in the research. She wanted first-hand accounts of people from those areas from as far back as they would go. This was why she'd needed to get into the British Library. Some writings stayed in the family, or if the person was famous enough or interesting enough it might stay in a local town museum, but a lot of it was kept at the British Library where it could be preserved and used by scholars. Since she wasn't a scholar she didn't get access, but now she had her vampire teleporter to get her in. This might actually count as a perk of being blackmailed by an evil fiend.

When Lucas returned she had piles of books and documents settled around her. He held an old book that had worn leather binding with faded gold lettering. It almost looked like an old copy of the Bible. He placed it on the table and she glanced at the title. Not English. Old Norse, anyone?

Val sighed and looked at him. “I have found two villages that speak of wolf attacks. One from 1550 and one from 1575. By 1680 wolves were extinct and James I said that werewolf victims were delusional. That's a very long time ago. Do you really think that the wolves are still there?”

“If you can find none in England then we will check the colonies.”

“Yeah, we call that America now.”

“They could have gone anywhere. Australia, North America, Mexico, even India. I meant you should look to places that were colonies at the time.”

Oh.

“But why? What do you think they can do if they are that decimated? How will they restore the balance? A couple of wolves and a handful of pixies, presuming you can even get that, doesn't seem like much of a threat.”

“Then you know nothing of wolves. They are very dangerous to vampires. They can track them. Follow them through the streets and into buildings. Their speed is equal, the desire for blood matched and usually the wolf wins.”

“Then why would they be hiding instead of picking you guys off one by one?” She asked.

“Either they are no more, or they have been regrouping.”

“For four hundred years? That’s some serious regrouping.”

“Yes. And yet legends of them still exist, humans claim to encounter them. There may be a reason for that.”

“But to hide for this long?”

“It’s the nature of wolves. Their priority is to protect their pack at all costs. And yet, wolves are easy to provoke and it has proved a fatal weakness. The clans were stronger when there were still Fey and empaths in the world, because both have always had a strong influence on wolves. A guiding hand. When the Fey were gone the destruction of the wolves was simple. Steal a young or kill a juvenile and their hierarchy could fall apart without a strong leader. They would erupt into violence, attempt revenge. Disorganization and passion have always been their downfall. All we needed was to wait. A vampire is a calculated creature and it's been an unfair advantage. If they still exist and have been this quiet, it is only because the Fey shield them.”

“So when did Faeries disappear?”

Lucas sat down across from her. So quick she could hardly see it. She wondered if it took him conscious effort to move like a human. “A very long time ago.”

“Did you have your hand in that too?” For a moment he looked pleased. A master tactician appreciating the beauty of a perfectly executed strategy. Then he sighed as if in regret.

“What else did Faeries do besides ...wolf tame?”

“Another time.”

And there endeth the lesson.

“Take what you will. We will depart now.”

She looked at her watch surprised that it was almost three am. No wonder she was so tired. She made a pile of what she wanted and it disappeared. It was a neat trick and she was unwillingly impressed. Lucas extended his hand and she gave him hers.

“You need to be closer.” He didn't pull her closer but waited for her to move. Val moved slowly, waiting for some sign that she was close enough. Finally she was bare inches from him, wholly in his personal space. His other arm swept behind her waist and pulled her flush to him. It felt like he was about to sweep her into a dance and her heart fluttered. Very sternly, she told herself that it was fear she felt.

The cold whirlwind assaulted her as they dematerialized across town and she felt herself sagging forward as the frigid white darkness rushed up to meet her and she felt Lucas' arms tighten around her, cradled her close. And then she knew no more.

When she awoke she was in a strange apartment and light was coming in through a large bank of windows. If the sun was up it was either a freakishly nice day for March or she had slept for an incredibly long time. There was a clock on the bedside table. Two pm. She'd slept for 11 hours! When she stood up, she stepped on her flats and stumbled forward. Confusingly, she had no memory of taking them off or coming here.

The scuffed black shoes slipped on easily and she walked across the deep beige carpet to the main living area. It seemed like a new apartment, the paint was fresh, the carpet brandnew, the kitchen modern.

Looking around, she saw no personal affects. Curious, she looked in the bathroom and the bedroom closet but both were empty. She found a letter on the small kitchen table. The script was small, with sprawling letters that twisted unusually.

“Yours. Your belongings will be transferred two days hence. An account is established for you at Barclay's. Cards to follow. Tell me if you need further assistance.”

Feeling dazed, she read the note twice more, not wanting to absorb the words. Just like that her school life was over. She would go back to school and pack, tell Ian thanks for the memories, hate to shag and run, but there were no other options. She was on her own.