Love Is Darkness

chapter 4

San Loaran, California

4 years ago

It was the longest day of Valerie's life. Today was the day that the University of California admission letters arrived. If she went home and had an empty mailbox she'd shoot herself. Well, maybe not, but she would definitely be depressed for an eternity! She'd gone to school and spent every moment watching the clock and waiting for the day to end.

Berkeley. She wanted to go to Cal. If she didn't get in she would be happy at UCLA, or UCSD. Failing that, she wanted to go to UC Away. Anywhere that was away.

She sped the whole way home.

With a deep breath, she opened the mailbox, peering into the metal depths. Junk mail is a curse!

There they were. Four letters. She was beyond happy, like being kissed for the first time.

She went into the house and threw her bag on the floor. Several undignified moments passed as she jumped up and down and even squealed like a small pig. Thank God she was alone! She started to laugh, embarrassed at herself but gloriously happy as well. She was getting out of this town! Away from her father and away from Jack!

She started crying, overcome with joy and a little bit of grief. She would miss Jack, she loved him too much not to, but God she wanted to be free. And now she’d be someone new, someone normal.

There was movement in the corner of the room and she saw Jack coming towards her. Why was he here? He'd been in Latin America for the last three months.

He looked amazing. His hair had grown out and the back of it was brushing the collar of his blue T- shirt. He wore a pair of dark jeans and Adidas shoes. The shirt fit him well, bulging in all the appropriate places, flat where it should be.

He could be an underwear model, she thought. An image came to her of Jack in underwear and she blinked, looking away.

He was smiling at her.

Someone alert the media.

“Good news? Did you get in?”

Her eyes filled with tears and she nodded at him with a stupid grin on her face.

“Cal, right?”

She gave another watery nod, “Yes! Can you believe it?”

Oh screw it! She laughed and hugged him. Val wrapped her arms around his neck, her chest was flush with his. She squeezed him hard and he squeezed back, pulling her body in even closer, until she began to feel dizzy.

He was tall and strong, stronger than he had been when he'd left. His face was more chiseled, his cheeks leaner, his skin tanned from the sun. But he looked tired too, dark circles under his eyes that spoke of sleepless nights and stress. It made him look older, although he'd never really been young.

It was the awareness of him— his smell, shampoo and nice cologne, all the things that were Jack were cloaking her. And it was heaven.

“I don't think we have ever hugged.” She said with a laugh. Was that true? How could they have lived together for years and never hugged?

“You're right.” He said evenly.

She looked at his features up close and realized the changes continued. His lips were extraordinary. He was smiling slightly and that was different too. She imagined his lips twisted bitterly, cruelly or angrily, but not happily. Things had been so bad by the time he'd gone away that she'd forgotten he could be like this. Be sweet.

Her gaze returned to his eyes. They were slate gray and reminded her of stormy oceans, with his own dark ghosts trapped within their deep depths. Save the poetry, Val.

She pulled away from him and he released her quickly. Val didn't want to think about him like this. He wasn't her Jack. She was leaving for college. She would leave him behind and stop thinking of him, dammit.

Even though he'd let her go, she could still feel his hard chest and the strength of his arms. “So, welcome home. How was Latin America. Go to any country in particular?”

He sighed and she thought he was sifting through information trying to decide what to tell her. He wouldn't tell her everything and why should he? She'd made it clear she didn't want to be sucked into his orbit for the rest of her life, waiting for him to die.

“It was good. I got you a souvenir.”

Okay, he wasn't going to tell her anything at all. Things became awkward, the levity of the moment gone, all the unresolved issues they had crowding in close between them. “If it's vampire dust I don't want it.”

He smiled slightly but it didn't reach his eyes.

“Geez, did you actually bring me vampire dust?” She laughed nervously.

“No. I'm just trying to keep you in suspense. You can have it at dinner.”

There was an awkward pause large enough to drive a Suburban through.

“Well, see you at dinner.” She smiled again and ran up the stairs. This was too much. She needed to get away before she begged him to never leave, ravished him on the floor, or something equally stupid.

Val forced herself to stop thinking about Jack. It was a skill. Besides, she had to call everyone. Everyone! She was going to college and she would never look back.

The day passed quickly and finally she couldn't hide from Jack and her father any longer. She went downstairs and saw her father in the kitchen. He was tearing lettuce for the salad and lasagna was in the oven.

Jack was a great cook, especially Italian food. He could cook Italian and swear Italian— and both were worth watching. It was the only time he was incredibly expressive. He used hand gestures and everything. He'd learned to cook from his mother, and in Val's more tender moments she thought he cooked so that he could remember her and what his life had been before the blood, death and vampires.

She took the salad bowl and set it on the table. The parmesan was still in the fridge, and she found the expensive block of cheese, as well as the expensive cheese grater that was all Jack's Italian roots would accept.

Jack took the lasagna out of the oven, a puff of hot air brushing by her.

They sat down at the old wooden table in the kitchen.

“So Val, you got in. Congratulations.” Her father said, his smile an afterthought.

Oh no. Was he going to keep her from going? A vision of her father telling her she could either help them or be on her own, rocketed through her mind. What would she do if he made her choose?

She’d say goodbye.

When Jack had left four months ago, her father had stayed with her. She knew that Jack had hoped they’d bond but boy had he been wrong. They'd been strangers in the same house, using the same rooms and space, eating together, but never saying anything worth saying. There was a reason she always called him ‘father’ or ‘Nate’. He didn’t deserve a ‘dad’. He didn’t do ‘dad’ things with her, he tried to kill her. So he could be Nate for all she cared.

She was going to have to be on the offensive. “Yes. It's exciting. It will also give you more time with Jack. You guys will have each other, be able to protect each other and not have to worry about me.” Yeah, that sounded natural.

Her father cocked his head to the side. “Why wouldn't we worry? Do you know how many vampires live in the Bay area? Lucas was there last month.”

Self- preservation told her to be cautious. “I've done everything to learn to protect myself. I'm going to college. The only question is whether or not I have your blessing.” That was the speech she'd worked on all day. She was pleased with herself for getting it all out, but it seemed a shame it had only been three sentences long.

His fingers drummed on the table. He stopped the nervous habit and took a bite of lasagna, chewing thoughtfully, undoubtedly trying to figure out his next attack to keep her here.

“No. I will hate you if you keep me here. I won't stay.”

He nodded. “Okay. Jack will go with you.”

Val looked at them both venomously. “No! He won't! I won't have a jailer anymore. You need him more than I do. Who will keep you safe? Things are worse, there are more attacks than ever. You need help. And I'm sorry, but you are not getting any younger. If something happens to you because he's with me....” Her voice trailed off and she felt her throat closing up with tears.

She looked at the picture of her mother on the wall. How she watched over all their meals with a benign smile. Her father got up and she hoped he was coming to hug her.

He walked past her and went upstairs, closing the door behind him. She wanted to cry. Throw something. Leave tonight and never look back.

Her gaze flew to Jack and she knew that he would hug her if she wanted. Of course he would. He was perfect and a mean part of her hated him for that. As though he could read her mind, he got up, leaving his food half-eaten at the table. She heard him going up the stairs, his long stride eating the distance quickly. He knocked and entered the study, closing the door quietly behind him.

Her father and Jack didn't need her. They kept her but it was a duty. No more. She couldn't be that anymore. Be a disappointment, a burden, an afterthought.

***********

Valerie finished packing for college. Her room was stuck in a time warp, perfect for a little girl who loved pink. Light pink painted walls and white wainscoating. It even had a huge wooden doll house in the corner where Barbie and Ken had gone all the way...repeatedly.

She'd packed everything, not wanting to leave anything behind. The pale pink bedspread from when she was a little girl and some of her stuffed animals, like the elephant her dad had won for her when they went to the state fair the year before her mom died.

That was a time before vampires existed for them. They were a normal family: dad had a normal job at a consultancy firm and ran the occasional 10k. Her mom was a second grade teacher and they'd had a dog named Pickles. He was white and fierce. One of those dogs that had short man's complex. He wanted to attack everything. Kill first, sniff later.

She'd loved that stupid dog.

Jack knocked on her door and interrupted her thoughts. Good, she knew what came next on her trip down memory lane. Seeing mom butchered in cold blood, her dead dog, then her father destroyed. She could skip that memory.

When she opened the door she smiled at him, happy for the interruption. He seemed a little surprised but smiled back.

“Hey, I was thinking we could order some pizza for your last night. Maybe watch a movie or play scrabble.”

Valerie raised her eyebrows at him, surprised at the offer. They hadn't spent an evening together in...yeah, it had been awhile.

“Last time we played Scrabble I won,” she teased him.

“Yeah, because I was 14. I could speak English really well but you were a real stickler for the spelling.” His tone was fond and she detected a hint of a challenge.

She thought about refusing. Wouldn't it be harder tomorrow if they buried the hatchet tonight? Could they even try to pretend that they weren't total opposites in absolutely everything now?

He crossed his arms in a defensive gesture and she realized that he knew she was thinking of saying no. He wanted her to say yes but he was waiting for her to shut him down. Val was always going to be weak willed around Jack, would probably always give in to spending a little bit more time with him if she could. What harm could it do to pretend to be friends, one last time, before their lives were forever altered?

After all, his life was changing too. He wouldn't have to watch over her anymore, or stay in San Loaran but could devote the rest of his life to revenge. Why wouldn't he be nervous too? Had either of them had a big life changing event that had turned out positive? His parents murdered, her mother.

Life as they knew it was at an end and looking at Jack with his soft smile made her feel an overwhelming sadness that their relationship had gone to hell, especially compared to when they were younger. Once she was gone she might not see him again for a while, maybe never if he was killed. He reached out to her and squeezed her arm.

She nodded, “Yeah. Okay. But no Scrabble. How about Monopoly?”

“What? That things like eight hours!” he said with mock indignation.

She started to laugh. “No, don't worry I'm a much better cheater now! I'll have you cleaned out in two hours tops.” Val snapped her fingers to demonstrate how quickly time would pass.

Jack turned and went down the stairs. “I'll order the pizza.”

She heard the television click on as she followed him down.

“It's the VH1 pop up show! And a marathon no less. We're kicking it old school tonight!” Her voice was gleefully. Jack paused mid-dial but didn't look up, while Val waited to see what he'd say about her lame comment. But he said nothing. Instead, he closed his eyes and shook his head a little, then called for pizza.

Their relationship had always been complicated. They were like two shipwreck survivors clinging to a raft and waiting to be rescued. But no one came to rescue them, and they'd grown up in a house with almost no affection or guidance, beyond how to kill a vampire. It was weird. Like Leave It to Beaver but Beaver was buried in a shallow grave out back.

So, yeah. Complicated.

But not tonight. Tonight would be one last night to have fun, and pretend that their relationship was simple.

They got the game set up and promptly had a fight over who got to be the car. She only wanted it because the car was his favorite and he made a ridiculous screeching tire sound as he moved away from her properties. Then he'd comment about the bad service and how he should get his money back.

She had no idea if it was actually funny, but it had been part of their bickering for so long that she thought it was hilarious.

The pizza came and they ate the whole thing. After the last bite, Val said, “Okay Jack. I want a favor.”

His hand froze above Park Place. “What is it?”

“It's a really big favor.”

Jack waited.

“I want to play the drinking game version of Monopoly. It's a weird night anyway. Can't we get drunk together once? You know, be young and stupid.” She tried to waggle her eyebrows, but feared she'd accomplished a sick-worm-dancing expression instead.

“I'm not that young, Val.” His superior tone got on her nerves and she made her hands into a mouthpiece shape and put them to her lips. “It's three years, Jack! You are only three years older than me!” He rubbed his hand across his eyes like he had a headache but she thought she saw a smile. She watch his hand, those long fingers and neat nails. He had a five o' clock shadow and he looked a little...rumpled? Perfect Jack being not so perfect was really sexy.

Don't. Think. That.

As he combed his fingers through his hair, Val waited, watching him think. “How about we do it on one condition?”

She was excited but then worried. Jack always got his pound of flesh. “What is it?”

Jack stood and went to the kitchen. Opening the cupboard, he pulled out a bottle of tequila and then grabbed something she couldn't see from a drawer, before coming back to the coffee table. In a smooth motion he was down on his knees, the bottle on the table and a... pager beside it.

“Go on.” Val chuckled uncomfortably.

Jack looked her in the eyes and her heart squeezed. “This is a pager. But it only does one thing. It goes to me. You have to promise me that you will carry it at all times and be prepared to use it if anything peculiar happens or you need help. I mean it, Val. I want us to test it every three months. A prearranged time where you push the button and we make sure it works. New batteries every three months as well.”

Okay, he was really serious, “Does it, by any chance, have a tracking device in it?”

A few moments passed where he wouldn’t look her in the face. Finally, he nodded. “Yeah, it does.”

She squeezed his hand and then pulled away. “You are a shitty negotiator. I totally accept. I would have taken it anyway, if you asked me. I'm not that heartless. I know you need to keep track of me. I get it and I love you for it.”

“Who are you?” He peered at her face. “You look like Val and speak like Val, what with all the swearing, but you are so reasonable.”

“Get the damned glasses.”

In no time they were back, settled down on the floor, backs against the couch, facing the T.V., a coffee table loaded with booze and Parker Brother's paraphernalia in front of them.

Jack settled down on the floor next to her, his body turned towards hers, their knees touching. His face was close enough that she could see the amber colored flecks in his gray eyes. The room was suddenly tense, the commercials intrusive to their little world before the couch. Now or never, Val thought and picked up the salt shaker.

“Give me your hand,” she said and felt a flutter in her stomach. Val stared at his dark jeans, his knee suddenly fascinating as she waited for him to do something. Either he’d agree and give her his hand, or he’d refuse. But she felt stupidly exposed now, like she’d stepped over a line or given her true feelings away. He had no expression. Perfect control. Who knew what the hell he was thinking? And why did she think that was so hot?

This was a lot like bungee jumping, she decided. She could dick around at the top of the bridge, looking at the view and crapping herself with fear, or she could just jump and feel the rush. That was how she was going to live her life, she decided. Jump first and damn the consequences.

Jack extended his hand towards her, palm up. His body had shifted, both knees flush against hers so that all she had to do was lean forward— five, maybe six inches and she could touch her lips to his. Err, not that that was the plan....

Val wrapped her hand around his wrist, tugging it towards her mouth lightly. He was relaxed, his fingers loose but lightly curled as he waited for her to do something.

Her gaze flashed to his and she smiled.

There was nowhere else in the world she'd rather be right now, and she knew, staring into his eyes, that she'd remember this moment for the rest of her life: the warmth of his hand, the expression on his face.

Leaning forward, she touched her tongue to the back of his wrist. Jack jerked a little but tried to keep his hand still while she licked him.

His knuckles whitened on the shot glass in his other hand.

She pulled back, her tongue tingling from the touch of his skin. Val felt herself blushing and quickly poured salt on his damp hand. She went to lick her own hand, moving quickly, trying to get beyond her own embarrassment, but he made a noise and she stilled.

“Turn about’s fair play,” Jack said, his voice slightly husky.

Val thought his comment should have been corny but it wasn't. He was so sexy he could get away with almost anything.

Jack took her hand in his and she noticed how warm and large his hand was compared to hers. He pulled her hand towards his mouth and caught her gaze, refusing to look away.

Gulp.

She watched her hand go towards his mouth, felt his tongue on her skin.

His touch was gentle. Jack was coiled and lethal, focused and practical. This wasn't practical, it was very, very sexual and Val felt like she'd been waiting her whole life for Jack to look at her like she was edible. He tapped the salt shaker, coating the damp mark on her skin.

“Bottom's up,” he said, almost in a heavy sigh.

Val couldn't help it, “These double entendres are coming hard and fast, you know.”

The shot was to his mouth, the liquid on his tongue and she knew he just about spit it out because he was laughing so hard. He got it down but not without a struggle. His eyes were red and he shook himself exaggeratedly, as though the tequila was vile.

Which it was.

He put the glass down with a cough. “There is no one like you Val.”

“Do you want to drink to that?” Her eyes were still watering from the fiery taste, but she waved her little glass at him in challenge.

He shook his head in an emphatic no and turned a bit somber. They went back to playing the game and enough time passed that they each had seven or eight hotels. Every time someone landed on a hotel they had to drink, and it wasn’t long before they were both tipsy.

The game had gone on for over two hours when Cyndi Lauper’s, “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” came on Pop up Video.

Jack was almost out of money and heavily mortgaged. She was happy and relaxed; alcohol, Jack and victory all contributing to her good mood.

“Did you see my talent show video from sixth grade where we 'performed'” She used air quotes so that he knew she was using the term loosely, “this song?”

“I haven't had enough alcohol for that. I'm gonna need another shot.”

Without hesitation, she poured him another one and he drank it. It was a strict no contact shot, understood without words. After the third one she thought she moaned a little when he licked her, and they hadn't done it since.

Cyndi was belting it out now and Val decided to go for stupid. If in doubt, choose excess. It was a motto somewhere, right? She kicked off her shoes and stood on top of the coffee table, the little monopoly dog biting into her heel. She squawked and kicked it away. Val started doing her dance routine from years ago. It consisted of lots of high kicking, shaking and generally lame 80's moves.

I really need some leg warmers.

Jack sat on the floor looking up at her and she wished she had her camera, his mouth was hanging open. He snapped it shut, came to some mental decision, then sat back to watch her.

Val wanted to laugh really loudly but couldn't have said exactly why. Taking the controller, Jack turned up the volume in encouragement. She danced and moved and when the song came to an end he held up his hand to help her down from the makeshift stage.

Handing her another drink, he said, “If college doesn't work out can I suggest stripping? Only if it's tasteful, of course.”

“Of course!”

She grabbed his hand and licked his wrist, almost spilling his drink. Maybe she'd pulled a little harder than was necessary.

I am totally drunk. Then it was her turn again and he held her hand, looking at it intensely, making the moment drag.

Turning her hand over so that her wrist was up, he bent over her pulse and kissed it lightly. Then he licked her and poured salt on her skin. Her wrist burned from his touch, little tendrils of heat skating up her body and she could feel her body responding. She squeezed her thighs together and they drank their shots.

“What will it take for you to dance, Jack?” she asked him teasingly, trying to get past the desire to rip his clothes off. What would he do if she threw herself at him? Maybe she could get in one good kiss and grope before he pushed her away.

That was too depressing.

“Nothing.” His tone was strident. “No power on this earth could make me dance.... Well— ” He gave a shrug that reminded her he was actually Italian. She knew he wasn't going to tell her what the song would be. Who did he think he was kidding?

“Oh no, Jackie! I know you. You're a good American now, but I know your weakness...” She let the moment draw out and he actually cringed. “a-ha. Take on me, right?” She belted out the main lyric, “Taaake on me, take on me! Dude, you are so 80's.”

Jack raised his hands and again she was reminded that he was European, as he made a flapping or shooing motion with his hands, perhaps to dispel the truth of her words— or some pigeons. “I know! I know! I can't help it! I love those damned Norwegians! It was a crucial stage in my development. Go to any karaoke bar in Italy and I swear you'll hear it at least twice! It's not just me, it's the entire country!”

“Oh sure. When I think of Italy I think of fascism and a-ha.”

And then it happened.

Pop up video came through.

Take on me by a-ha.

They both looked at the television in mild disbelief while the bubbles bleeped across the screen giving information about the band. They watched as the silly cartoon drawing band went running down corridors. “Hop to it! You are on! This is fate. If you don't do it you could be smote down! You don't go against fate!”

He shook his head.

“Jack, you have had several shots of tequila and will be hung-over in the morning. We may not even remember that this happened! You should do it. You can blame it on the alcohol! Now go get jiggy with it!”

He gave a long-suffering sigh. She opened her mouth to offer more words of encouragement, but he held up a finger to forestall her, grabbed the bottle of tequila, took a big fortifying swig and hopped up onto the table. He used the half empty bottle for a microphone and gave a fairly earnest performance of the song, at one point stopping to complain, “Do you know how hard it is to sing this song? I'm not doing the high-pitched parts. That's not part of the deal.”

But when the high part came, he gave it a try and she was charmed. She'd also never laughed so hard in her entire life. He reached the third stanza, knowing all the words by heart and she felt like he was singing to her, wishing the words were for them.

Would he always come for her?

Val realized she was biting her lip. He was actually graceful. Jack could dance? He tapped his foot and did the occasional hip swivel and point. Then he clapped his hands, careful of the bottle, and she became suspicious.

“Did all these moves come from Dave Gahan?”

Jack winked at her and she knew the dancing was on purpose. She'd been obsessed with Depeche Mode and had seen the concert videos over and over again, much to everyone's irritation. By virtue of living with her he'd been forced to see it at least ten times.

“You are so f*cking hot right now.”

Jack stopped and looked at her, an inscrutable expression on his face. She clapped her hand over her mouth in horror as he stepped down and put the bottle on the table with careful precision.

“That's it, Val,” His voice was dark and she knew he was going to leave. She'd gone too far. But he didn't. He came towards her and extended his hand. Her heart pounding, she took it and he pulled her up off the floor and into him so that she was flush against his body.

She could feel his heat and heartbeat through her sweater. Or maybe it was hers. She couldn't think. She looked up into his face, and held her breath in mingled fear and excitement. He was looking at her hungrily. Passionately. Unconsciously, she licked her lips. With a mumbled Italian curse he leaned down and kissed her.

His lips were dry, soft and warm as he kissed her lightly, almost chastely. Then, he hesitated as though waiting for her to answer a question. Val tilted her head a little, inviting him to kiss her back, but so afraid of breaking the moment and exposing her desire for him, that she couldn't kiss him back.

His tongue touched the seam of her lips, then withdrew. His hands came up to frame her face and he pressed kisses on her quickly. Slow kisses, then harder kisses, at the corner of her mouth and one that sucked lightly on her lower lip which she felt all down her body and made her gasp in pleasure.

The kisses became wetter as she opened her mouth under his, giving in to him with abandon. The feel of his tongue sliding into her mouth with a soft thrust made her knees weak. It was a totally new sensation and she wrapped her arms around his neck, needing support to stand.

Jack reached down and picked her up, so that she was forced to wrap her legs around his waist. He walked with her to the couch, settling his body on top of hers, never breaking their kiss. His hips were wedged between her thighs, moving against her. If they'd been undressed he would have slid inside of her, he was so perfectly placed. The feel of his erection burning against her made her wiggle closer, try to settle her damp heat against him, get that fraction of an inch closer.

They stopped kissing, staring into each other's eyes for a moment, and Valerie wanted to shout at him, tell him she loved him, that she'd loved him for years and that she always would.

Her fingers clenched on his shoulders as she forced herself to stay quiet but she wondered if he knew because he made a whisper soft shushing noise before slowly lowering his head back to hers.

She met him halfway and wondered if they were both being careful for fear of breaking the moment.

Jack's lips touched hers again and she felt her whole body soften, her lips part, welcoming him into her. The kiss was sweet and then it changed.

She couldn't have enough of him fast enough to put out the flames. Val crushed her lips against his, years of build up for this moment wiping out any trace of gentleness, as desperate urgency replaced her hesitancy. He groaned and pushed back with his mouth and hips. His head tilted to the side, trying to kiss more of her, deeper. Her hands fisted in his hair, the dark silken strands sliding between her fingers, like silk.

There was no hesitancy or softness in him as he moved his lips to her neck. Needing the friction, she tried to move against him, grinding her hips into him, wanting every part of their bodies to be flush. Jack's hands settled on her rear, pulling her closer to him. His mouth came back to hers for a wet and open kiss that made her whole body clench in need. She nipped him.

He jerked against her in pleasure, grinding his pelvis against her over and over, mimicking the movement of thrusting within her and she realized how easy it would be— a few pesky scraps of fabric removed and he could be inside of her.

This could be real.

His breath came harsher and she desperately wanted him to palm her breasts. She could hear them both panting heavily in time to the thrust and press of their bodies.

I could come just from this, she thought dazedly. It was just right, a deep pulsing press against her and she wondered if he knew how much this turned her on. How each stroke made her climb higher, want to squeeze him closer and closer.

His tongue swept into her mouth again and she knew this was what it would be like if they had sex; hard and fast, desperately urgent. She'd be making up for years of repression and a future that could be finite.

She moved her hands down his back, under his shirt. His skin was warm and smooth, the muscles bunching against her fingers. He shivered and exhaled harshly next to her ear, raising goosebumps across her skin. She felt powerful.

This was her Jack and he wanted her back.

She felt the muscles of his sides, traced his shoulders, feeling the hard muscles tense and relax as she touched him.

Val moaned loudly when his hand cupped her breast. Then he kissed her neck and she put her head back, urging him on. Jack bit her lightly on the neck then licked her soothingly. He sucked her earlobe into his mouth, his breath exhaling in her ear, sending shivers down her body.

“Oh God, Val,” The words were dragged from him, his voice deep and agonized. It was the most erotic thing she had ever heard and it was enough to push her over the edge. She felt her whole body tighten, pulse endlessly and then relax as she came with a cry against his mouth.

She breathed heavily and pulled back a little, saw the want on his face. He'd watched her orgasm and in response he was grinding himself against her heavily, kissing her deeply while he restlessly shifted his weight against her as though he could will the fabric away.

And then something changed. The kiss became slow again. An exploration of her mouth as he savored her, tasted her and traced the shape of her lips. His hand fisted in her long, heavy hair and she wanted him to tug harder.

Val closed her eyes and said something encouraging. But Jack released her, striding to the other side of the room like the hounds of hell had a hard-on for Italian flesh.

Jack took some deep breaths and put his hands on his hips, pulling himself together.

That’s it?!?

Without a doubt, he was letting her go, she knew it. He looked at her, his eyes raking her from head to toe like he was imagining her naked. His gaze was predatory and she wondered if this could continue if she pushed him.

Taking a deep, fortifying breath, Val walked towards him. “Jack, come on Jack.” Her voice was sultry without trying. Val was ready for bed, ready for him, had waited years for them to get to this point and she wouldn't let him leave without a fight.

If she let him go now, she'd always wonder what could have happened, if she'd let her future slip away because of her own cowardice. She couldn't take that risk.

A look of pain flashed across his face and he closed his eyes. She tried to twine her arms around his neck but he held her lightly away from him, maintaining several inches of distance.

“Val, this was a mistake. We are both wasted and out of our minds. In the morning we will regret this.”

I won’t. But he would. Val tried to disagree but couldn't think of anything to say.

“This has always been here Val. We know it and we avoid it because it doesn't change anything. All it will do is tear us apart.”

“We are already apart. How can this make it worse? What if something happens Jack, and one of us dies? I want to know what it's like. I want you and I always have.” She tried to step in close to him again but he gripped her wrists, a light squeeze that stopped her cold.

“Do you know what I have in my life? You. You and your father. Everything I do is for you and my parents. You are so conflicted and desperate to run from me and this life.... I don't blame you. But I can't do this every day and have you as my weakness. You hate this life and eventually you would hate me too.” There was a pause before he spoke on a sigh. “You’d destroy me.”

She shook her head in denial, tears sliding down her face.

Leaning down, he kissed her on the lips. Quickly. He wiped away her tears with his thumb, his hands on either side of her face. “I know the life you want and I can't give you that. And maybe it makes me an a*shole, but I don't want to taste what I can't have.” He took in a breath but didn’t release her. “I had a perfect childhood Val and they— it was ripped away.” His voice trembled with grief, making her cry harder.

She clung to his hands, trying to keep some link with him for as long as she could.

“I see the life you have, what you have made for yourself and I want that for you. I am trying to be a good enough man to want that for you...so don't torture me with this. I'm not the white picket fence guy. I like you happy, carefree. You're my bright spot, the light in my life.” he paused, “And yeah, I read it in a Hallmark card but it's still true.”

Val choked on a desperate laugh. With all her heart, she wanted to deny his words. “This isn't funny.” There was nothing else to say, she couldn't believe it. I always have something to say!

He let her go and she felt numb, like she'd survived the apocalypse.

Each step felt uncoordinated, one foot in front of the other but nothing to do with her. The stairs were hard: heavy and slow. A part of her didn't expect to make it to the top, as though her grief would bring her crashing down.

Wouldn’t he change his mind? She'd feel his arm stop her, pull her back and things would work somehow. The fairytale come true. It wasn't even a fairytale she wanted, dammit! She wanted normalcy. A hot boyfriend who loved her, was that an exceptional wish?

But he didn't stop her.

*******

The next morning she felt like a husk. And she was the proud owner of the hangover from hell. No returns allowed.

Jack drove her to Berkeley. It took two hours from San Loaran. Neither of them spoke and Val looked out the window. The view changed from dry, flat land to rolling hills and then it was gone, covered in concrete and civilization. What would she do amongst all these people? How would she function without Jack and the friends she had known?

He took her to her dorm in brittle silence. Then, dropping her bags off with a heavy thunk he disappeared for a while. Examining everything, she knew. Her father had already been here and done that, but Jack would do it again.

He came back. Jack knelt before her and she turned her head away from him. She didn't want to see his beautiful face. She could feel the sadness like a weight in him but he was the one turning away from her. She would have tried, would have thrown herself into anything with him if he'd asked, screw the consequences. They'd deal with it when they had to.

But that was what made them different. She let her life be blinkered while he planned it all out and he knew how this story ended even if she didn't want to.

Jack took her hand and put the pager into it.

“You didn't have to go to all that trouble to get me to take this. I would have taken it without the mind f*ck.” She gave an ugly little laugh and he stayed where he was, watching her, ready to take whatever she would say.

“Do you know what, Jack?” Her voice quavered and she wasn't sure if it was rage or pain that caused it, probably both.

He gripped her tighter, as though it was hard to force himself to stay still and not take her into his arms. Good! She hoped it was hard for him too. She watched her fingers twist amongst themselves, like unsettled snakes.

She wondered if she should just let him leave, have things unsaid between them like they always did. But that wasn't the life she wanted anymore. “I would have made love with you last night. I wanted you.... I've thought about that so much, fantasized about you and me for...ever. And so I waited. Do you understand? There was no one else. I waited for you. But I won't anymore.” Her voice broke at the end.

With a grim expression he nodded and rose, went to the door and left— without a single look back.