Slowly I began to come back to myself, the rough scars on his chest coming into my line of sight.
I reached up to trace the lines with my fingertips, my heart unsure about such close and intimate contact. The white scars zigzagged over his chest, no longer as angry as the red they had originally been.
“I am sorry, Ilyan, that the water hurt you.” I continued to trace the raised scars, the skin rough under my fingertips. He stiffened at my words.
“So they showed you then?” His voice was taut and I could hear the fear behind it. I didn’t want him to be scared. I pushed my head against his chest, the wild thumping of his heart fluttering in my ear.
“Yes.”
His heart continued to pound as he hesitated, as he decided what to say to me.
“I am glad I have them, the scars. They have always been a reminder of what I may someday have.”
“I know.” My voice was soft.
“And... you are not mad at me?”
I hesitated. I wasn’t sure how to phrase this, how to say what needed to be said. I pulled away from him, my eyes meeting his as he searched mine for any signs of what was to come. I reached up, my fingers hesitant to touch his face, to trace his features, before withdrawing again, leaving him untouched.
“I’m not mad,” I said simply.
“But why not?” I could understand his confusion, but there was something very important that I needed him to understand.
“Because I love you too, Ilyan.” His face lit up at my words, but my heart only cinched tighter at what I was about to say. “But it doesn’t change anything. We can never be together.”
I thought for sure I would have shattered his heart. But instead, the radical light that seemed to be emanating off of him grew, his magic flaring within me until I could feel it push against my barrier. His smile grew and he pulled me back into him, his arms wrapping me tightly to him.
“I know, Joclyn. I know it doesn’t change anything. I know I can never have you. And I am alright with that, you are still a child after all. I expect nothing from you. But hearing you say it, even if it is only this once, that is enough for me. I can live the rest of my life knowing that you love me, even if nothing else will come of it.”
Ilyan sighed heavily and I felt his tears fall against my skin, my own not far behind. I could still vividly recall his heartbreak as he talked to my Father, his longing as he watched the images of us, the images that would never be. I wanted to soothe him, my soul longing to heal those pains.
“You are not alone, Ilyan,” I whispered. “Not anymore.”
“Thank you, Joclyn.” I buried my face into his chest, his warmth and his heartbeat surrounding me.
My heart swelled at the comfort he gave me. Thom was right, I needed someone to help me to hold the weight. And here, in Ilyan’s arms, I actually felt stronger – like I could accomplish anything. And even though nothing could ever happen between us, I knew the devotion we held for each other would be enough.
Until the day I died.
Ilyan did not move from my side all night. We lay in each other’s arms until we drifted off to sleep. Ilyan was there when I awoke from yet another of my nightmares, his song softly lulling me back to sleep. I woke the next morning with his arms around me, our legs intertwined comfortably.
I knew I should move away. I knew it was wrong for us to be lying like this, but I didn’t care.
I looked over Ilyan’s still sleeping body and smiled, he was so calm. I could feel his magic’s strong presence in my shoulder, the gentle lull of it as small tendrils weaved throughout my body. I knew that he was here for me no matter what. If the sight had not given me enough proof, what I was feeling now was more than enough I sighed heavily and shifted a bit, cursing my sore joints that creaked and fought me. I hadn’t entered the T?uha yesterday because of the sight, so today would be a miserable day. Unless... I was stronger now I could face it.
I pulled the necklace out from underneath my torn shirt and let it rest in my hands. I knew whatever I found inside would not be pleasant, but even a quick trip would help my body and then I may not have to worry about it for a few days.
I grasped Ilyan’s hand tightly in my own and leaned into him again before I pushed my magic into the necklace, closing my eyes to enter the T?uha.
It was all the same – the same kitchen, the same mold, the same deathly silent space. My heart beat erratically as I stood alone in the middle of it, suddenly terrified about what was going to happen. I didn’t know if Ryland would do something to shove me out or if ‘the dark-eyed man’ that Ryland had told me about could find me here. Either way, I needed as much time as possible here.