“She is the only one who will come to this world,” they continued together, “the only one your heart can hold.”
“The only one?” Ilyan asked, my insides tightening to hear how defeated he sounded.
“She is here,” Sain announced, his voice deep and reverent.
“Do you feel her?” They all spoke together again, the addition of Sain’s voice doubling their intensity. “Do you see her?”
“I do.” Ilyan’s voice was right in my ear. His arms came around from behind me and pulled me into his newly scarred chest.
Twenty-Five
I froze at the contact so foreign and yet so welcome. My heart thumped in my chest at what I had heard. It screamed for Ryland. It screamed for me to run away from Ilyan. But even here, he comforted me.
Somehow I had crossed over from being inside of a memory to being a part of it.
Ilyan’s arms tightened as he pressed his cheek softly against mine. I did not lean into his touch, but neither did I shy away. I stayed still, trying to make sense of everything that had happened, everything I had heard.
“Do not be afraid, mi lasko.” I relaxed at Ilyan’s voice, so soft and familiar in my ear. “I know you have seen everything, and I know you are scared. But do not be. I can feel you inside of me; I can feel your soul inside of mine. Know that I am here to protect you, to save you, and to love you. Even if you will never love me, I will still be here, right by your side.”
He turned me in his arms, his hands pulling me gently around, his arms still holding me against him. I looked up to him, he was so different, and yet so much the same.
“You’re beautiful.” He sighed the words like a prayer, his fingers coming up to trace the lines of my face.
He leaned down and my heart froze, but instead of kissing me, he pressed his lips against the kiss on my neck, his lips soft and gentle.
The touch of his lips against my mark sent a jolt through my whole body. I had only felt that electric response to Ryland before; it was the jolt that preceded bonding. He sighed as he felt it too, his heart rejoicing at feeling something he had been longing for.
My breathing accelerated into a panic. What did this mean?
“I love you.” He said softly, his words true and honest. I could tell he meant what he said. But I didn’t shy away from it, not as much as I should have, and it scared me.
“No!” I yelled out in a panic. My voice echoed around the great stone chamber as I pushed my hands against Ilyan’s chest, pushing myself out of the memory and into my usual chair in the cave.
It was obvious that a whole day had passed; the light from the skylights in the ceiling was coming from an angle that suggested it was already night. Thom’s partially eaten lunch still lay on his couch, but neither Thom nor Dramin were anywhere to be seen. Even though I had done nothing but sit all day, I could feel the exhaustion of a full day seeping into my body, begging me to sleep.
I exhaled deeply, my chest shaking a bit before I reluctantly looked toward where Ilyan lay. I was glad Thom and Dramin had left me to myself for the moment. Although I was worried about where they had gone to, and even about being alone, I knew I needed the time. Dramin must have known too. After all, he knew from the beginning all that was said, all that was seen.
Ilyan had known too.
Ilyan had known for eight hundred years about me, he had known my face, known some semblance of a future. And yet, he said nothing. Even when I struggled and pined for Ryland, even as he trained me. He said nothing of the future he longed to have, the future he dreamed of with me. He never tried to talk me out of it. He never tried to place himself in a better position. He had let me do what I had longed for.
Suddenly, the look that Ilyan had the very first day I saw him – standing against the wall in English class – made sense, his intense gaze, his look of frightening awe. After eight hundred years of waiting, I was sitting right before him. I cannot imagine the heartbreak he must have felt, or how the knowledge that he could never have me must have eaten him up inside.
I stood to face where he lay, still and calm on the bunk, his long hair falling gently over the side. I couldn’t decide if I was angry with him, agreed with him, or accepted what he had done. Everything lay numbly inside of me, as I stood staring at him.
My Protector.
He was born to protect me, born with magic strong enough to do so, and yet, too strong to give him companionship. And he bore it willingly, his actions showing his strength. Although he loved me, more than he could ever love any other, he held his tongue and let me follow my own path.