“I hope you can’t hear me, or else you’re going to think I sound like a lunatic.” I inhaled again, my nose sniffing loudly.
“I loved Ryland and they took him. I mean, I might be able to get him back, but what if I’m not strong enough? What if I can’t get there in time?” I buried my head in my hands, cursing the tears that had finally broken through.
“I trusted Wyn, and they got to her too. They took her too.” I wiped at the weak tears that rolled down my cheeks with the back of my hand, wishing I had been strong enough to keep them away in the first place.
“And I...” I stopped, searching for the right words but not finding them. “Ilyan, Thom says you’re going to get better.” I pressed my hand to my shoulder from within the warmth of my blanket, wishing his magic was stronger. “And I want to believe them. But there is so much that I don’t understand, so much that I don’t get. I am scared that everyone I care for is being taken from me.”
I looked away from him again, my eyes moving somewhere, anywhere. I tried to wade through the tangle of emotions inside of me.
“It’s my turn to protect you now, Ilyan. It’s my turn to be strong for you. I need you to wake up, Ilyan. I need you to come back. I... I need you.” I stopped, trying not to give life to my nightmares, to Cail’s taunts.
“I... I don’t know how else to say it...” I think I did know how to say it. I wanted to say I loved him. But it wasn’t the same love as I had for Ryland. It was the love of a friend, of a companion, and saying it would make my nightmares real. I couldn’t let that happen.
“Don’t die, okay?” I said as I moved to lie beside him, squeezing my body against his unresponsive one. I pulled the fur over me and snuggled into his neck. I knew I shouldn’t be here. I knew I should be able to be stronger. But right now I wasn’t, and right now I could accept that.
“Goodnight, Ilyan,”
Twenty
“Wake up, Siln?, you are in the way.”
My eyes fluttered open at Thom’s gruff voice. I knew at once why he had spoken. I still lay in Ilyan’s bunk, my arm draped over his torso. Two nights ago I woke up uncomfortable with Ilyan’s proximity, now I was doing the same to him. Great.
I sat up, my head buzzing a bit at the movement. Thom wasn’t even looking at me. He was already moving blankets, his hands pressed against Ilyan’s skin as he checked on him. I pressed my hand against my shoulder, saddened to find the same weak magic flowing through me.
“He’s still the same?” I asked, as I moved to the foot of the bed. Cramming my body into the corner of the bunk, I tried to keep myself covered with the heavy fur. Thom shook his head and kept working.
My body had that heavy, dizzy feeling it always had when I had stayed away from Ryland too long. I was surprised it wasn’t worse given that yesterday’s visit was definitely not long enough to fully rejuvenate me. I leaned my head against the cold stone, letting the cool temperature take away some of the dizziness. I had forgotten how fast and strong these sensations came on. I knew it had been more than a day, I knew I needed to go see him, but I didn’t want to. I traced the tip of my finger along the silver chain and sunk into the stone work.
Having to endure the aftermath of the nightmare on my own had weakened me both emotionally and physically. With Cail gloating over his control of my subconscious, I was afraid of what I would find if I went into the T?uha. What once had been an amazing place for me and Ryland to share was just another potential torture chamber now.
I might be able to go in and come out in a matter of minutes, but I knew it wouldn’t be enough. Or worse, what if something happened while I was in there? Ilyan wouldn’t be here to pick up the pieces. I could already tell Thom wasn’t the type to be willing to do that.
“Are you okay?” I looked up from my daydreams to see Thom staring me down. Ilyan was covered again, and Thom had obviously finished.
“Yeah, I’m tired that’s all.” Thom narrowed his eyes at me for a moment.
“Here,” he said, pulling over one of the large ceramic mugs from last night. “Dramin left this for you.”
I took the mug from Thom and smelled the Black Water. It almost smelled appealing to me now.
“Thank you,” I said before drinking, draining the mug in one large gulp. The Black Water moved into me and I began to feel better. I still felt the body aches from my separation with Ryland, but they weren’t as sharp and my head didn’t feel as fuzzy. I sighed and leaned against the rock wall.
“Where is Dramin?” I asked, wishing I already had more of the Black Water.
“Shopping,” Thom said, although I could tell it was more than that. He leaned forward a bit and looked into the mug, his eyebrows rising to see the contents gone. “Does that stuff taste good?”