I couldn’t take my eyes from him. I stood, my stocking feet hitting the stone of the floor. I grabbed one of my heavy fur blankets and ran across the space, prancing lightly from level to level until I stood before him. I had checked on him before I went to bed, but after the terror of my nightmare, I ached for him.
I hadn’t realized how much I had come to rely on him, how much I needed him, especially in times like these. I hadn’t realized how much he had come to mean to me.
And it scared me.
I climbed onto the bunk, worming my way behind him. Making sure not to step on his feet, I curled myself into a ball, the blanket around me, as I leaned my back against the wall. I stared at his calm face, the blue tint still prevalent, folding my arms over my knees in frustration.
He was calm, resting. In some way I was glad that he was free from everything that faced me. But in another way, the terrible selfish way, I wished he would wake up and hold me.
“So, Cail is using you against me now,” I whispered to him, even though he couldn’t hear me. “I can’t say I’m surprised. It was going to happen eventually right?” I tried to laugh but the sound came out strained.
“Ryland told me some stupid riddle about love and seeking power or light. He said it was about you.” I lay my head against the stone wall, not daring enough to look away from Ilyan.
I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t even know why I was talking to him. This stupid game that Cail was playing with my heart had me in knots. I knew it wasn’t true, it couldn’t be. Cail spoke about love like I was being fought over and spoke of death like it was joyous; it made my insides squirm. I didn’t like that Cail had dragged Ilyan into this whole mess or that he too had become a weapon to be used against me. I knew I was being manipulated, but what bothered me the most was that what he had said had somehow crawled under my skin. I shook my head and swallowed, trying to find some stability.
“I wish I was stronger, Ilyan. I wish I could face the nightmares alone, but I can’t. I think I can, but I still wake up screaming anyway.”
I pulled the blanket over my head, fighting the tears, pushing the weakness away from me. I couldn’t just wish to be stronger. I needed to be stronger. The problem was, I didn’t know how to do that. I had gained some strength – I was a million times more capable than I was a few months before – but I needed to be able to face everything and not be scared.
I looked back to Ilyan. Ilyan was brave. He was confident. He was capable. But right now I couldn’t help but see how defenseless he was, how weak – and even human – he appeared. I closed my eyes at the confusion. The odd pulls and jerks that drew me toward Ilyan were making me uncomfortable.
I brushed away the emotion. Ilyan wasn’t weak; he wasn’t defenseless. I didn’t need to protect him, no matter how strongly I felt that I did right then. Ilyan was the strongest person I had ever met.
I did need him. More than I ever thought I would, but I didn’t need him to do everything for me. I was strong too, and Ilyan had made me that way. He hadn’t told me I couldn’t. He had shown me how I could. He made me stronger because he believed in me.
I moved, letting my hand move to his cheek, his weak magic swirling beneath the surface of his skin as it did inside of me.
“I saw my Dad. He looked exactly the same. It was weird.” I leaned my head against my knees, the pain from the nightmare still heavy inside of me. I left my hand against his skin for a moment longer before bringing it back inside the warmth of the fur blanket.
“You know, when he left I shut everything inside. And then Wyn asked me not to do that anymore. She asked me why I was throwing everything away...” I exhaled and looked away from him, my eyes scanning the large cave but seeing nothing.
“It was then I decided not to. I’d always let Ryland in, but after that I really let him in. I gave him my heart. I gave him my magic – even though I didn’t know it at the time.” I dragged my eyes back to Ilyan’s pale face, my finger moving to touch the dim blue of his eyelid without my even knowing.
“I let Wyn in, and I actually started to feel like I had a friend. I mean, even though she didn’t understand me all the way, even though she didn’t really know me, I felt like she could. Like she wanted to. Like I mattered to her.” Everything had come out in a rush. I stopped abruptly, my voice catching on my last words. I sank back into the wall, my head hitting hard against the stone.
“And, I let you in, Ilyan. First as a teacher, someone I could trust. And then, over the last three months, you became more than that. You have become my friend. Someone that... I mean, I could...” I stopped as my heart thudded, my eyes burning. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to say. I didn’t know how to word it properly because everything was jumbled inside of me. Cail’s manipulative taunts still fresh in my mind.