“No,” Thom cut me off. “Dramin will decide when you are ready.”
I leaned over Ilyan, letting my eyes linger on his dull blue lids before moving back to sit by his feet. As I crawled back across the bunk my body began to ache again. I shoved the pain to the back of my mind, determined not to go inside the T?uha yet.
“Do you normally sleep with Ilyan? We have some double bunks if it will help you to sleep better...”
“No!” I interrupted him loudly, Thom stopped midsentence his face tensing in confusion. “I don’t sleep with Ilyan. I kind of sleep next to him, for half the night, after... after…” I had begun to ramble. I let my words drift away as Thom continued to glare. I turned away from him, ashamed.
“After your nightmares,” he finished for me. I turned toward him, my head nodding in agreement. I wasn’t sure what made me open up even a little bit to him, maybe it was the fact that he had heard my screams, but it made me uncomfortable.
“Do they happen every night?”
“Yes,” I whispered. I didn’t know how much I wanted to tell him.
“Dramin told me. He said that you would wail but the only one who was to help you was Ilyan.” I looked away from him. I was grateful neither of them had tried to help. I fought Ilyan when he had first tried, and my exertion against him had made it worse. And yet, the only one who could help me was asleep for at least a few more days.
“And, there is nothing you can do to stop them, a tea, maybe?”
I looked to him and shook my head. Ilyan had tried everything in the beginning, but nothing had worked. Now I understood why.
“Cail controls my dreams.” I said, my eyes looking back to Ilyan again. I wiggled my feet a bit until they were right up against his leg. I needed the reminder that I wasn’t facing this alone.
“Cail?” His voice was scared, and I didn’t blame him. He had every right to be. I was.
“Yes, he uses them to taunt me, to hurt me…” I rested my head on my knees, my eyes unfocused on the blanket in front of me. “I am scared to go to sleep anymore. And now, without Ilyan…” I exhaled and stopped, not wanting to elaborate anymore.
Thom didn’t say anything. He looked at me intently before pulling up a tall chair and sitting next to me. He didn’t get too close. He didn’t reach out to touch me. He just sat, looking around for a few minutes. Surprisingly, it wasn’t uncomfortable. We both sat thinking about our own vices for a moment before Thom spoke.
“Have you ever seen the statue of the Greek Titan, Atlas, who holds the world upon his shoulders?”
I looked to him, confused as to where this could be coming from. His comment was so out of the blue. I raced the story of Atlas through my brain. I knew it, but I couldn’t find any similarities with what we had been talking about.
“Yes,” I said.
“My father had that statue in our home when I was with him. He used to say that it was there to remind him of the best way to defeat your enemies. Those who hold the world can do nothing but struggle and cry.”
“So, you’re saying that Edmund is doing this to weaken me, to keep me from whatever it is I am supposed to do?”
“Exactly,” Thom’s eyes shone. I groaned and rested my head on my shoulders.
“Well, he is succeeding,” I mumbled to myself.
“If you think like that, then you have already lost.” I snapped my head up to Thom and fought the urge to yell at him.
“He has taken everything from me, Thom, forced me into this life with its pain, and fear, and secrets. And I still don’t even know all of it yet, in case you have forgotten.” I was a little bitter, and I knew it, especially since Thom was trying to give me words of wisdom.
“You need to find someone to help you carry your load. That is where Atlas failed. He tried to trick others into taking it from him instead of asking for help.”
“How can I lighten my load if he has taken away everything that was a support to me?” I had calmed down, but I still felt my anger surge.
“You are speaking of your friends? Of your Father?” Thom leaned forward in his chair.
“Yes.”
“What of Ilyan?” Thom asked.
“He’s kind of busy at the moment, isn’t he?” I said.
“You never know who may be supporting you from behind the scenes, Siln?. Even though Ilyan is ill, he is still with you. He has the strength to carry the weight of the world for you, and he has that strength for a reason. When he wakes he will be there to help you hold it, and hold you up if needed.”
Ilyan had told me several times he would be there to support me, to help me, to lighten my load. And I knew he would be. I knew I could trust him. I just wasn’t sure I wanted him to. Ryland’s riddle was still too fresh in my mind.