Chapter Twenty-four
Cloudy days should be meant for funerals. Who wants a sunny sky when you’ve lost a loved one?
Behind them was her grandma’s resting place, in front of her was the limo. Severine held her mom and Aunt Rachel’s hands tightly.
She’s in a better place. That phrase had been said to them more times than she could count. It was a small merit; no one really knew what to say to convey their condolences, but it wouldn’t ease the pain.
Her dress brushed against her knees as she slid in after her mom.
When the car started moving, her mom took a deep breath. “I wonder if we could skip the potluck.”
Severine assessed Clacy as she stared up at the roof. Bags that were never there before were now underneath her eyes. It made Severine nervous to go back to school. Her Aunt Rachel reached out and held Clacy’s hand. If her mom didn’t have Severine, she had Aunt Rachel. She’d be okay.
“It will only be for a few hours,” Severine offered weakly.
“I just want to spend some time with you before you leave.”
Severine nodded in agreement, “But I’ll be back for Christmas break.”
“I know, baby,” her mom said thoughtfully and stared at Severine.
“What?” Severine asked self-consciously.
“How are you and Macsen?”
Severine kept her face neutral. “We’re good.”
“Severine, don’t lie,” her mom said sternly.
“Mom, I can’t give you much. We’re still a fairly new couple.”
“I know. That’s why I am asking. You seemed down and anxious during Thanksgiving.”
Severine gave her a helpless shrug when all she wanted to do was cry. That’s all she seemed to be doing lately.
“Let’s just talk about something else,” her aunt announced.
“I just want my daughter to be happy.” Her mom’s chin was held high. “The new relationship phase is never supposed to end this quickly.”
Severine didn’t know. She couldn’t nod in understanding. All she wanted to know was what exactly went wrong.
* * * * *
Severine was still in her dress from earlier. People had slowly filtered out of her house until it was just Rachel, her mom and her. The silence in the house drove her crazy. In the dining room a grandfather clock ticked back and forth. If she heard the noise one more time, she was going to go insane.
Her foot pushed against the floor of the porch and the swing gained more momentum. Outside, the peace was a given. It wasn’t unexpected or strange. The minute she sat down on the porch swing and stared around at the dark night, Severine felt more at peace.
This was her home. And no matter how many times she’d wanted to escape this place, it still held memories for her. She turned her head and glanced across the street. It was the same elementary school she had attended. Across from the clean building, there were three lines of houses all taken care of; all picture perfect. Life went on around her. People slept in their beds. Maybe a few were leaving work, going out for the night—they’d be smiling and happy with their friends. As they talked about what the night held, Severine wondered how people could move forward from a death.
It scared her—terrified her—to know that a person that held so much significance in her life was gone in a blink. Her grandma deserved more than a second.
“How you doing, kid?” Her Aunt Rachel stepped out onto the porch and slipped her arms into her black wool coat. She leaned her body against the porch railing and crossed her legs at the ankles. She was still dressed in her funeral clothes. But with Rachel, it looked normal. Dresses and heels were something she could pull off.
Severine leaned her head against the swing and sighed. “Well, I’m home...but only for a funeral. I’ve had better days.”
Rachel nodded and buried her hands in her coat. “When are you going back to campus?”
“I’ll probably leave in a few days.” Severine glanced at the window next to her. A lamp was lit, but with the shades drawn, it was impossible for the world to see inside. “When are you leaving?”
“In a week.” The happy, upbeat aunt that she was used to was gone. Rachel looked worn and tired. Everyone was after today. “I think I’m gonna stay and be here for your mom. You don’t have to worry about her.”
“What is she doing anyway?”
“I think she’s curled up with a bottle of wine and sobbing to Steel Magnolias.”
Severine groaned and pushed off her black headband. Behind her ears, the skin throbbed from the pressure. It was inevitable that she was going to get a headache, and with her mom drinking, that meant they were in for a long night. “Why is she watching that?”
“Your dad called, and he’s coming through town tomorrow.”
Severine sat up straighter and froze at the mention of her dad. She wasn’t used to the word. It felt foreign to her, like a word from a different language. “Why?”
Rachel rubbed her face and sighed. “He heard about the death in our family.”
“You just told me not to worry about her.”
“And you won’t. Your mom can take care of herself. It’s Christian I’m worried for.”
Her feet landed on the ground, and Severine stared at Rachel. “You know what’s weird? I’m more used to his name than him actually being called Dad.”
The look in Rachel’s eyes was sympathetic and heartbreaking. “Look, I know he’s never been around. Every kid deserves to have both parents in their life. But sometimes it doesn’t work out that way...I’m convinced that bad things happen early on in life to prepare us for the real world. It’s harsh out there,” her voice raised in conviction. Rachel slammed her mouth shut and cleared her throat before continuing. “People won’t care about your life story. We’re all trying to survive out there. But I know that if anyone could survive, it’s you. After all, you were raised by a freakishly strong woman.”
Severine nodded, knowing that her aunt was right. Strength was embedded in her blood. It was all she had seen growing up. But if her mom had one weakness, it was her dad. Severine could count the amount of times Christian had visited them here in this small town. But when he did, it was always a short visit. It always left her mom quiet and with bloodshot eyes.
“Why visit now?” Severine asked. Rachel looked at her blankly. “I haven’t seen the guy in probably two years,” she explained. “And he wants to have a quick visit?”
“It’ll be short...you know your dad.”
“Not really,” Severine replied quietly.
Rachel moved away from the railing and sat next to Severine. The swing creaked slightly as Rachel moved her legs. “If he wants to stop by and give his condolences, then let him. He’ll leave, and we can all go on with our lives.”
“But can Mom?”
Rachel raised a brow. She asserted her words strongly. “Of course she can!”
Severine didn’t mean it to be bad. Her mom was incredibly strong. Growing up, each chance her mom got, she tried to remind Severine to only rely on herself. And part of the reason was because of her dad and what he did to her mom. “I don’t think I can be like that,” Severine admitted.
Her aunt’s head slowly turned in her direction. “Like what?”
“Like my mom,” Severine declared. “I don’t want to hand over my heart so willingly.”
“Then you can never love. Once you do, you’re gone. If you’ve given yourself to someone else then you’ve already taken that risk of being crushed.”
Severine stared at Rachel sharply. She thought about Macsen and what he made her feel. She didn’t know what she felt some moments. But the thought of giving him her heart...it didn’t seem so terrifying. “So you think she’s brave?”
“Isn’t anyone who has ever been in love?” Rachel asked back.
“So why aren’t you with someone?”
Rachel gave her a sad smile. “Because I’m not as strong as your mom. My thoughts were like yours...it scared the shit out of me. And look at me, I’m alone and travel everywhere. Livin’ the dream...” She shifted her body toward Severine and added, “Which one would you rather be? Your mom who’s experienced love or your stubborn aunt who can’t tell you what the word love truly means?”
* * * * *
Severine watched her mom run around the house, wiping down already clean counters and re-folding the blanket spread out behind the couch. She was putting more effort into this one afternoon than any past holiday.
The doorbell rang, and Clacy stared at both Rachel and Severine.
“Do you want me to yell ‘come in?’” Severine asked cheekily.
“No, it’s your father,” Clacy hissed out. On her way to the door, she whacked Severine’s thigh. “Get up, you’re gonna at least say hi to him.”
Her time spent at home wasn’t supposed to involve seeing her dad. When he came around, she just felt awkward. Those seconds when the door would open and neither one knew if they should hug or shake hands was just unnecessary discomfort. Most times, they both just mumbled out hello. If Severine was lucky enough, he’d ask her about school or her hobbies. When he left to go his own way, she honestly doubted he’d remember.
“Just go,” Rachel admonished on the recliner.
Severine rolled off the couch and walked through the dining room and into the open kitchen. Her steps were cautious as she leaned her body against the fridge. She was acting like a Jehovah’s Witness was at the front door.
And that’s all it came down to—she knew nothing about her dad. You could lock an unwanted visitor or solicitor out of your house. But in this case, it wasn’t an option.
Voices drifted from the front room towards Severine. By the time she stood in the front entryway, she realized her dad wasn’t alone.
He brought her stepbrother, Rennick, along with him.
“Severine,” her dad called out. Her attention immediately went to him. “It’s good to see you.”
For a moment, all Severine did was stare at him. His smile was wide, but at the corner of his lips, she could see the strain. She looked his features over, trying to note if anything had changed in the past two years. His coal black hair was still cut short, his face was clean and shaven. When she looked him directly in the eye, he flinched. She couldn’t read anything in his dark brown irises because she wasn’t around him enough to know his reactions...to anything.
A hand reached out and nudged her in the side. Her mom pointedly looked at her. Everyone was waiting for her to say something back. “Good to see you, too,” Severine said cordially.
Feet shifted awkwardly, and Severine looked away from him and to the one person that was semi-fun to be around.
“What are you doing here?” Severine asked Rennick with a friendly smile.
He returned the smile. It looked mischievous. “I talked to Christian.” He paused to look over at their dad and smirked darkly at the obvious tension. His dig was on purpose. “He said he was driving here to see you and Clacy...I figured I might as well bother you.”
“Are you coming in?” Rennick hesitated and Severine quickly spoke, “Or, we can freeze our asses off outside.”
“Severine,” Clacy warned. She said nothing else, but the message was loud and clear. She wanted Severine to stay and talk to her dad.
For her mom, she’d suffer through it and for that sole reason alone. She looked over at her dad, and he moved away from the door. “If you wanna see your brother, it’s fine.”
It took her two seconds to nod her head and grab a pair of shoes and her coat hanging on the coat rack.
Rennick waited on the porch with his hands in his front pockets. He looked too much like their dad—all dark hair and dark eyes. Only his hair was wild; the strands reached ear level. With Rennick everything was half-paced or nothing at all. His life had been filled with more disappointments than Severine’s, so she didn’t blame him for being cautious.
“I had no idea you were gonna be here.”
He shrugged a shoulder and looked at the houses around them. “I’m back in the states and I wanted to visit my mom’s grave...and I figured I might as well visit Christian.”
“Ah...” Severine drew out, “gotcha.” She nodded her head and looked down at the chipped paint on the railing.
When she was young, she never understood where Rennick came from. He’d show up with their dad and leave with their dad. When Severine was nine, her mom finally told her that Rennick’s mom, Tara, died when he was only a month old. She didn’t know how until she was old enough to Google the term ‘brain aneurysm.’
He was only five years older than her, but there might as well be ten years of life separating them. While she had her mom, he had the friends he made in boarding school in Switzerland.
He got into so much trouble that Severine started to lose count. Those mistakes made him the black sheep of the Blake family. But the two of them understood each other in a way that no one else would; neither one knew what it was like to receive any love from their dad.
“I’m sorry to hear about your grandma,” Rennick finally blurted out. His voice was deep and stilted, like he wasn’t used to speaking that much. Usually, when he did talk, only sarcasm came out.
She warmed her hands up and rubbed them together before she nodded. “Thanks.”
He sighed and his breath came out into the cold air. “She was nice,” he admitted, “although I’m pretty sure she hated me.”
“No, she didn’t,” Severine protested.
“Yeah, she did.” His dark eyes sparkled and he gave a small smile. “To quote her: He’s a complete heathen.”
“It’s only ‘cause you didn’t go to church with her. I’m sure there were times she called me a heathen too.”
Even though it was freezing out, Severine didn’t want to go back inside. When they did, she’d have to keep up a conversation with her dad, when neither of them wanted to be there.
“You wanna take a walk?” she offered.
Maybe his thoughts were going down the same path because he nodded his head in agreement. “Sure.”
The two of them started down the sidewalk. Severine looked up at the tall trees around them. In the summer, the leaves shaded the sun, feeling like a warm blanket. But in the winter, they offered nothing but an idle prop—they gave nothing.
“Have you seen Christian lately?” Rennick asked.
“This will be the first time in two years.”
“He must love you, I’m on three.”
Severine stepped over a gap of concrete and turned her attention to Rennick. “Why is he really here? Why did he bring you with him?”
“Well, I only came along because I hadn’t seen you in a long time. He came because he’s...” He struggled for the right word and pushed his black hair from his face before he stared solemnly at Severine. “Because he’s Christian, and I think he wants to try and be there for us.”
“You’re twenty-five, and I’ll be twenty next August. I find it hard to believe that he’d magically wake up and decide, ‘Oh shit. I have those two kids...you know, I think I want to get to know them.’”
“So you don’t buy his bullshit?”
“I’m not saying I believe it, or expect him to fall back on his word. I’m neutral on the whole thing. It wasn’t like I had him for a few years. He’s been in and out of our lives since day one.”
“I guess we’ll see what happens.”
Maybe Rennick wanted to have some form of a relationship with their dad, but she didn’t. The whole conversation about Christian made Severine’s hands sweat. Partially, because if she did think about it, she’d start to think how it’d be to have a dad and know what it actually meant. “Can we talk about something else now?”
“Sure.” He gave her a brief look and zipped up his brown leather jacket. “Where’s that friend of yours?”
He had only met one ‘friend’ of hers. He knew exactly what her name was. Severine turned around to go back to the house. They were only a block away, but the cold air made it feel like a mile.
“Who, Lily?”
For a quick second he bent down to grab at a warped tree branch. He banged it repeatedly against his leg. “Yeah.”
“She’s back at campus.”
Rennick tossed the warped stick in the air. It landed near the side of the road. “She still scared shitless of me?”
“The first time she met you, you threw up in her mom’s rose bush...you weren’t exactly charming,” Severine pointed out.
“But I’m a changed man. When I’m drunk, I aim toward the toilet now.”
“Other than aiming at a white bowl...what else are you doing with your life?”
He stared up at the sky, and Severine admired the sharp profile of his face. She didn’t know what his mom looked like, but he must have gotten his sharp cheekbones and exotic features from her. “I’m getting my Masters in literature. When I get bored of school, I think I’ll teach.”
“You make it seem like I just asked you if you wanted McDonald’s. You’re way too relaxed about your future.”
“Think about it...who do I have to worry about other than myself?”
“What am I, chopped liver?”
Rennick gave her a funny expression. “Should I be worrying about you?”
“No, I’m good. I have a boyfriend, and he’s super dreamy,” Severine said dramatically. “I rely on him for everything.”
“Yeah...I don’t know how to respond to that.”
The large white house came into sight. Severine knew that once they went inside, Rennick would become ruthless and cold to everyone, her mom would be half the person she was before her dad arrived, and Severine would be counting down the minutes until her dad left. Just an average Blake family reunion . “Thanks for coming to visit. This trip was depressing enough for me, but you made it...less depressing.”
“Anytime...actually, not really. This place is a f*cking shit hole.”
“I’ll give you that, but there’s a bar west of here...about fifteen minutes away.”
“And that’s where I’ll be.”
They walked up the pathway just as her dad and mom were walking out onto the porch. A flush was on her mom’s cheeks that hadn’t been there before. The closer Severine came closer, she saw the brilliant smile on her mom’s face. “Severine!” She called out cheerfully. “Your dad and I were thinking of taking the family out...the four of us. What do you think?”
“Where’s Aunt Rachel?”
“She had to go do a few errands in town.”
Lucky bitch.
“Come on! It’ll be great for us to all catch up.”
Severine turned to Rennick and he shrugged. “As long as there’s alcohol.”
“This is great!”
Rennick followed her mom, and Severine was left with her dad. He stepped forward uncomfortably and gave her a small smile. “How are you, Severine?”
When he said her name, it came out formally and with a slight accent. She could only imagine that’s how it’d be pronounced in France. A part of her wanted to shake him back and forth and yell into his ear that he was from Kentucky, therefore, he had no foreign accent.
“I’m okay. School is going great, and it’s almost Christmas break, so after finals I’ll be even better.”
His expression was anxious as he nodded his head and listened. “Your mom told me you’re with someone?”
Severine nodded her head and looked away. “Mmhmm...he’s a really nice guy.”
“Well...it’s good to hear that you’re happy.” He shifted on his feet. The two of them were pulling away from Awkward Street and were now veering right into Painfully Quiet Boulevard.
Time tended to do that. Severine had no idea where to begin with her dad. There were no right words for her to say.
“I’m glad you’re doing well.” He opened his mouth to say more and slammed it shut. When he finally talked, his voice was gruff. “You’ve turned into a beautiful girl, Severine.”
He turned toward his black SUV before she could respond. It was the closest to a compliment from him that she had ever been given.
Rennick looked over at her and gave her a smile that was grim. He pretended to hold a grenade in his hands and pulled the safety pin out. He threw it and made the sound of an explosion.
Once their dad left again, everything would be in ruins.