Chapter Twenty-three
Everything was bare: the ground, the trees, everything. They were officially in winter.
School had started back up a week ago.
The one thing she required was back. Slowly, the tension with Macsen dissolved. He’d tell her everything she wanted to hear, and she’d believe every word. She didn’t want to take what they were working on and fracture it all.
Severine stabbed her fork at the salad in front of her. Lily sat across from her. A table down was Thayer. It never failed—he was never a great distance away from her. Only now, there was a separation between them that Severine made sure was never breached.
“I’m thinking we need to do something fun,” Lily declared. She swirled her fry in ketchup and stabbed it in Severine’s direction. “Let’s go see an incredibly stupid movie and make fun of it the whole time.”
Severine smiled. “I could do that.”
“Good. Because I saw that there was-”
Beside her, her phone rang. The screen flashed ‘Mom.’ Her mom never called her, especially during school. That feeling that formed in your gut when something was wrong festered inside Severine. She didn’t want to answer.
“Hello?”
“Severine.” Her mom said her name painfully. It declared more than Severine wanted to know. Her instinct was right. Something was more than wrong.
“What’s wrong?” Severine asked slowly. Her eyes connected with Lily’s concerned gaze. Her hand reached out, and Lily squeezed tightly.
“Honey, I’m sorry. Grandma passed away this morning.”
Everyone knows that at one point death will strike in his or her life. Some are struck by it more than once. This was Severine’s first time colliding with something so black. Her heart ached. “What?”
She doubted her mom. Doubted that she was telling the truth. Severine stared away from Lily’s gaze. Thayer paused eating. His eyes bore into hers with questions.
Severine pulled her head down and rested her forehead against her palm. Her eyes were pooling with tears. She wasn’t going to break down with everyone around her. It felt wrong for people she barely knew to see her pain.
She grabbed her bag and hurried to the exit as her mom kept speaking. “It happened this morning. Her nurse went to check up on her, as usual, and she had already....”
“From what?” Severine asked sadly.
“They think it was a heart attack, Severine,” her mom replied gently.
Her mind was reeling, but she knew one thing. There was no way she was staying here. Severine took a shuddering breath. “I’ll be home tonight.”
“Are you sure?” her mom asked brokenly.
“I’m not staying here. I’ll be home tonight,” Severine repeated.
“I love you, Severine.”
“Love you, too.” Severine put her phone away and tucked her hands into her shirt.
A coat was placed around her shoulders. Lily came up beside her and smiled sadly. “Is everything okay?”
“My grandma died,” Severine whispered.
“Severine, I’m so sorry.” Lily wrapped an arm around Severine. “I know how close you were to her.”
Severine nodded, trying to absorb her friend’s warmth and strength. Lily continued, “Are you going back home?”
“I’m leaving immediately.”
Lily nodded her head without any questions. “Do you need anything?”
“Ah no, I’m good.” That phrase seemed like the worst thing to say. She wasn’t okay. Severine now understood what pain to the heart really felt like. Problems with Macsen, stress of school, none of that mattered. She had lost someone who had been there her whole life.
Sometimes, she still felt like a young child of eight. She’d spend the summer break with her grandma and grandpa on their farm. The whole day was spent outside riding bikes from her mom’s childhood and playing dress up with her grandma’s heels.
Later on, when the sun was setting, they’d pick tomatoes. She’d help her grandma find the best ones. To her grandma, every one she picked out was the best. They’d gather them all, wash them off and sit at the kitchen table to talk. Her grandma would cut them apart and always share her half. She’d convince Severine to sprinkle salt on her half, telling her that it made it taste better.
She was right.
Severine discovered as she grew up, that Grandma was right about so much.
Those moments seemed small and probably little to most. When those memories were written down, when they created pages upon pages, it started to define part of Severine and who she was.
It became so much more than a simple loss.
Lily accepted Severine’s short answer and stepped away. “Call me later, my friend.”
Severine smiled sadly. “I will.”
The wind was bitter against Severine’s tear-stained cheeks. She slipped the coat on and stared down at her shadow on the ground. She felt alone. No one would be accepted into her tiny world right now.
A tall shadow took residence beside hers. Severine stared hard at the shoulders on the ground. Her tears trailed down her cheeks and dropped, landing on her jacket. Thayer stood tall beside her. He was alive and breathing.
She wanted to walk back inside and worry about things that were never really that important to begin with. Her feelings weighed her down. She wanted to collapse to the ground. Severine wasn’t ready to accept this news.
Thayer held his hand out between them. Severine stared at the shadow his hand made on the ground. She followed the path her own hand made as it gripped Thayer’s warmth. His lips were set in a firm line as he stood close to her, blocking her from the view of the doors and the wind. She felt protected from everything. Severine wanted to stay there, close to him.
“I heard you talk to Lily.” His voice was gruff as he spoke. “I’m really sorry, Severine.”
His words were spoken carefully. It made the progression of her tears speed up. She was done watching his shadow and turned into him. Severine looked at him fully. His face demanded that she didn’t hide her pain.
Thayer reached out to wipe one of her tears away. His touch felt supportive, and she stopped herself from leaning into his hands. On a rush, he pushed her to his chest. Severine crashed into him gratefully. His arms were solidly wrapped around her as she cried.
The one person in the world she never thought to console her was now holding her, trying to take away her pain. When she stopped, she looked up. His face wasn’t too far from her.
His mouth quirked up in a sad smile, “I can get Macsen for you, if you want.”
It seemed like the right thing to do. Severine nodded and leaned into Thayer.
His arm wrapped around her shoulders as they walked across campus toward Macsen. “Lily said you were close?”
Severine let go of a shaky sigh. “I’ve always been close to her. Mom and I spent a lot of time with her and Grandpa. She was always a part of my life.”
“I enjoyed my grandpa,” Thayer disclosed.
“Yeah?” Severine asked. He was trying. His efforts caused her heart to become pliable.
He looked down at her and smirked. “Yeah. He was tall and huge. But he was a complete softie around kids. I would always ride with him in the combine.”
“He farmed?” Severine asked.
“Blake, I grew up in Missouri. What else did you think he did?”
Severine smiled as they made their way closer to Macsen’s class.
“How long has he been gone?”
His arm tightened around her. “About eight years.”
“Oh.”
“I’m not trying to depress you. All I’m trying to say to you is that I know you’re sad. But you’ll be okay, Severine.” He shifted closer. Severine could see her reflection in his eyes. “Everything will be okay.”
“Thank you, Thayer,” Severine whispered. He nodded into her hair and inhaled deeply. If Severine let him, he’d probably hold her forever. Gradually, Thayer was making it impossible to stay away.
He moved away and wiped away the wetness from her cheeks. “I’m gonna leave you with Mac... you’re good, right?”
“I’m good,” Severine repeated back.
When he walked away, Severine wanted to follow after him. He made her feel better; he made her forget.
Severine made her way into the brick building in front of her and easily found Macsen. He sat in the front, as usual. It didn’t take long to capture his attention. He glanced at her once and did a double take. She motioned for him to come out, and he briskly nodded his head.
“Is everything okay?”
“I gotta go home for a few days.”
“What’s wrong?”
“My grandma died. I have to be with my mom.”
“Sev, I’m sorry. I wish there was something I could do.” He pulled her into a hug.
There was nothing he really could do.
His body shifted back. “I’ll call you later, okay?”
“You’re going back into class?”
“Do you want me to go back with you to your dorm?”
“No.” Severine backed away slowly. “I’ll see you soon. All right?”
“Severine!” Macsen called out her name. Severine looked behind her shoulder. “I’m sorry about all of this. I’m sorry.”
Severine had to wonder if he was sorry for reasons entirely different from her grandma.