When the Heart Falls

Another song starts, and Rocco smiles a slimy smile. "Dance with me.”


I turn to leave but he grabs my hand and pulls me to him, moving his body in obscene ways against mine, close enough that I can feel his arousal through his pants, and it simultaneously disgusts me and terrifies me.

Sweat beads on my skin. My breathing comes in shallow gulps. I’m paralyzed. Somewhere in the back of my brain I know I should shove him away and get out of here, find Jenifer, leave the club and never return, but I can’t move. Can’t speak. His face changes and I see Rodney, the night it happened. Him holding me against my will, pinning me down as he tore my clothing off me. When Rocco presses up against me with his hard on, I feel Rodney pushing himself inside of me, ripping me, tearing me.

"This is fun, no?" His grip is so tight it hurts. How can he act like this is fun? Like I’m here of my own free will?

And how can I just stand here doing nothing?

The song ends. I try to leave, to disappear into the crowd, but his grip doesn’t let up as he pulls me across the dance floor. "I get you drink."

Okay, this is going to be okay. We’ll find Jenifer, and she’ll get me out of this mess.

He pushes me into a seat at a table by the band and scoots his chair close to me. His grip loosens, and my wrist pulses with pain as blood flow returns. When his arm slips around my shoulders I freeze. "What would you like?" he asks.

"Orange juice.” I force the words out of my dry throat, still too frozen to act. But if he goes to get us drinks, I’ll leave. I’ll run to the bathroom or find someone to help me. He can’t keep me here forever. We’re in public. He can’t hurt me. I tell myself these things through the haze of panic-induced paralysis that still grips me.

But he doesn’t leave. He signals the bartender and shouts out our order instead. I’m trapped.

With his free hand he pulls something out of the bag he carries. "Want a pastry?"

"No. No, thank you."

He shoves one in front of me. "Please, I insist. It good."

"It’s a once in a lifetime experience." Are we supposed to be playing the happy couple? I need to get out of here, need to move, what the hell is wrong with me?

He nods, knowingly. "You're right. Nothing better than the first time you taste these pastries."

"I'll remember that time forever."

"Me too," he says, a look of longing on his face. "They're just so good that first time."

I notice Jenifer by the bar and sigh in relief. “Jenifer! Jenifer!”

She looks around, trying to spot who called for her, then sees us and comes over.

"Hey, Jenifer.” I smile through gritted teeth and hope my eyes show my desperation. "You remember Rocco?"

It takes her a second, then her eyes widen. "You gave us those pastries!"

"Not again," he says. "Nothing beats that first taste."

Jenifer sits down with us. No. We have to leave. Not sit down with this guy.

"You never called my girl." She’s looking from him to me, a question in her eyes, but she’s oblivious. How can she not see that I need her help?

"Yet we meet here, and we dance," Rocco says. "I see now. It's destiny. We meant to be together." He squeezes me, his fingers digging into the bruise on my arm.

Jenifer downs a shot and has another one ready. "Good for you.” She’s already too wasted to notice anyone but herself.

A waitress brings our drinks and a chocolate cake for Rocco. He holds up his wine to me. "You want?"

I shake my head and kick myself for my own weakness.

A new song starts, and my heart cracks open, the pain now warring with my fear. It’s the song I danced to with Cade, the song we sang together, the song from his childhood. I want him so bad I lose my ability to breathe for a moment. It’s crushing, the fear, the pain, the longing and loneliness, the memories from the past.

Rocco breathes in deeply, as if breathing in the music. "I love this song. We must dance, Winter."

He grabs my hand and pulls me up. My eyes sting with unshed tears. I can’t dance to this song. Not with anyone and especially not with him. I have to do something, have to stop him. He won’t make a scene with Jenifer here will he? But then, she’s so drunk, she might encourage him to drag me out to the dance floor by my hair. She seems to like that kind of guy.

He nuzzles my neck from behind. "Maybe later we go back to my place, no? Your friend can come to."

"No.” My voice is too weak, too soft. The word breaks away from me like a leaf falling from a tree.

He misunderstands. "Yes? Good."

"No. I can't." This time my voice is louder, but still barely above a whisper. It’s physically painful to stand up to him, and I don’t understand why. Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I find the strength I used to have before Rodney broke me?