I’ve experienced so many anxiety attacks this past year and I know that I am right at the beginning of one now. For me they start with a feeling of being too hot. Then my heart rate increases and I can’t speak or catch my breath. Then I get this strange sensation that starts in my toes and travels up my body. It’s sort of like a combination of pins and needles and ice travelling through my veins and that sensation is already starting in my toes now.
“Kitten, I know this is hard, moving on, moving forward. It’s always hard, but we’ve got this. I’ll be right there with you, every step, Kitten, every step of the way.”
A strange noise escapes my chest. It’s sort of a combination of a gasp and a sob and Cam pulls me into him, kissing my head and my hair, stroking my back and my arms.
“Fuck, Kitten, I hate that you’re hurting like this. If I could bring them back for you, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’d gladly take their place so you didn’t have to feel like this.”
I let out a sob and cling to him. I don’t deserve this man. He’s just told me he would die to make me happy. How do I respond to that? I breathe into his chest, and when the feeling disappears from my toes, my breathing has calmed and my ability to speak has returned. I whisper hoarsely, “I’m so lucky, Cam. I’m so lucky to have you. I don’t deserve you, but I’m so grateful and so lucky to have you in my life.”
“Kitten,” he breathes my name with his lips pressed against my head and his hot breath makes my scalp prickle, “don’t say that. Of course you deserve me. We deserve each other.” He lets out a long sigh. “We’ve got here, Kitten. We’ve arrived here, at this point, because of a lot of fucked-up circumstances.” He tilts my face up and leans back so he can look at me better. “It’s not our fault. We didn’t choose to live or for them to die. It’s just the way it’s happened, and I know it hurts and I know it’s hard, but we’ve got each other.” He brushes my tears from my cheek with his thumb. “I’ve had fifteen years to work my way through the grief and the guilt, but this is all still so new and so fresh for you, but I promise, I promise you, it does eventually become more bearable. And on the days when it’s not, and you will have them. However far down the path you are, there are still days where it all comes crashing down and feels like it’s all too much. On those days and every other day, Kitten, I’ll be there for you. Whether you need my shoulder to cry on, my arms around you or you just want me to fuck off and leave you alone, I’ll be there, with you and for you.”
My face is a mess of tears and snot bubbles. I wipe it on my sleeve as best I can and then lean in and kiss him. I kiss him with everything I am and with everything I have.
“I fucking love the fuck out of you, Tiger.” I expect a reprimand, but instead, he just wraps his arms around me tighter and holds me for a while. My breathing and my heart rate settle, all traces of my impending anxiety attack gone.
“My mum has invited you to dinner tonight.” He moves us both in the chair so we can look at each other.
“Me?” he asks with a frown.
“Yeah, you. Why? Is that a problem?” He shrugs slightly.
“What about you? Where will you be?” I can’t help but laugh out loud. He’s worried. My big, bad Tiger thinks I’m sending him to my parents, alone, for dinner.
“I’ll be there too, you div. I promised my mum I would go home today. I’ve not seen her for two months, and as soon as I got home, you turned up and whisked me away. I need to go home and get out of these clothes and I need to unpack my case.” He looks at me while rubbing his fingers up and down my arm and rocking the chair back and forth slightly.
“Move in here.”
“What?”
“Move in here. Until we can find somewhere we want to buy together, move in here. It’s safe and secure. The press will leave you alone and I get to see you every day.” It all makes sense when he says it. It sounds like the most logical thing to do, but in my head, in my head all I can see is that old tumble drier full of socks of my mum’s going around, every sock representing a different thought, feeling and emotion rolling around in my head, chest and belly. “Let’s not waste any more time, Kitten. Let’s just be together.” I smile up at him. He looks tired, his eyes glassy. They remind me of the colour of a beer bottle today; it must be the brightness of the room.
“When did you get so clever?”
He gives me a smile and a shrug. “I’ve always been this clever. You’ve just never paid enough attention.”
I smile back. “You’re probably right.” We look over each other’s faces silently for a few moments.
“Pack a case when we go to your mum’s later and we’ll go and fetch the rest of your stuff tomorrow.”
“I haven’t said yes yet.”
He gives a small shrug. “But you will.”
We spend the rest of the afternoon looking at houses online, Cam ringing the agents and making appointments to view five, two on Thursday and three on Friday, all of them within a half hour drive of my parents’ and each of my brothers’ homes. Now I just have to tell my family my plans, which should be interesting.
Chapter Twenty-Three